7 Things Men Can Learn From Fifty Shades Of Grey

by Jordan October 28, 2014 

Jordan Gray says that there are seven things that men can learn from Christian Grey.

—–


Ever heard of Fifty Shades Of Grey?

It’s a recent cultural phenomenon loved (and hated) by people of all ages.

And before I dive into it…

Yes, the books are terribly written.

Yes, the books were written as Twilight fan fiction.

Yes, the books romanticize certain damaging relationship habits.

And yes, the books represent a laughably unrealistic viewpoint of what kink/BDSM relationships look like.

BUT… to not try and learn something from a book series that so clearly hit a nerve on such a massive scale would be silly.

So here’s what you need to know… a virginal 21 year old student (Anastasia Steele) meets a super sexy/successful 27 year old billionaire (Christian Grey) who happens to take a liking to her. Christian also happens to like kinky sex. They like each other, they fight, they make up, they have a lot of kinky sex, they fall in love, the end.

Here’s the thing that you actually need to know…

The book sold over 100 million copies and was one of the most purchased books in the history of human beings. Why? Because the book tapped into something about human sexuality at the right time. What exactly did it tap into? The fact that a lot of women are sexually frustrated and want to live out explorative sexual fantasies with a leading character who they respond to.

And this is the reason why I had a brain-boner throughout the entire book… the way that the author portrayed Christian Grey was brilliant. Having studied attraction, romantic love, and psychology for the past decade, seeing what the author was layering into Christian was just so smart and culturally well timed.

As much as some guys (I would assume that less than 10% of the original Fifty Shades readership was male) want to attribute Christian’s attractiveness to his money or ripped abs (hint: SO not those things), there is some pretty smart writing going on in terms of how the character was structured.

Enough mental masturbation…

So what is it exactly that makes Christian Grey so attractive to over a hundred million women?

Here are the seven things that you can learn from Christian Grey that will help you be a better boyfriend/husband/partner.
1. Single Minded Attention

Christian is supremely single minded when it comes to Anastasia. He’s focused on her, and only her.

He doesn’t squander his attention or sexual energy on other women in any way. If there is a gorgeous woman within sight, he doesn’t take his eyes off of Anastasia for a second.


While his character takes it a bit too far at times (she refers to his superior “stalking” abilities repeatedly in the first two books), this kind of laser-beamed attention is intoxicating to so many women who have never experienced anything close to it. Especially younger women who have grown up in a dating culture where the cultural narrative says that it’s alright for a guy to text message her a vague sign of interest in order to initiate a first date.

Christian wants Anastasia, and he is clear in his intent.

Action steps: stop looking at other women when you’re out on dates with your partner. Give solid eye contact to your partner when you’re talking to them. Remove distractions from your dates and bedroom when you’re engaging with your partner one on one. When you are away from them get on with your life, but give them your full attention whenever you are with them.

2. Unapologetic Sexual Desire

Christian unapologetically craves Anastasia. He is a calm, controlled man with a healthy relationship to his sexuality and he finds Anastasia absolutely captivating. He lusts after her like most women have never experienced in real life.

It’s an aphrodisiac to feel someone’s eyes on you from across the room (something that she does several times throughout the trilogy).

Christian is always in control of his sexual desire, but just barely. It is the line that he walks between being in control of his sexual beast, and her almost making him lose control of himself that she finds so erotic.

Action steps: dive into your relationship to your sexuality. Figure out exactly what it is you respond to in the bedroom. Don’t be afraid to experiment with new things that you think you might enjoy. Work through any mental or emotional blocks you have surrounding sexuality from past trauma or conditioning.

3. Driven

It’s not the fact that Christian has billions of dollars or a chiseled torso that women find attractive so much what those things say about him as a person. The external markers of success and health speak to his unrelenting drive and passion for what he does in his life.

It’s not that he has strong muscles, it’s the fact that he has a strong enough of a mind to have earned those muscles. And it is much the same in real life. Most women aren’t attracted to rich men because they have lots of money as much as they’re attracted to those kinds of men because those men are self-aware, driven, and actually care enough about something in their lives that they want to chase it down and conquer it.

Action steps: figure out what you’re passionate about and follow it with abandon. Don’t be afraid to chase down every single one of your dreams no matter how outlandish or socially out of the box they seem. Always be improving as a person.

4. Love and affection

If he was only ever sexually aggressive with her then it would get old fast. Predictability is death to sexual passion. It would be like if someone learned how to play one chord on a guitar and then only played that one chord over and over again (whereas knowing just four or five chords enables you to play entire songs that are much more emotionally engaging). Christian is the opposite of someone who knows how to play one chord. In fact, he is described as “mercurial” 17 times in the trilogy.

When Christian isn’t tying up/spanking/flogging Anastasia, he frequently holds her, caresses her, adores her, and kisses her on the forehead. He is strong, and soft. Aggressive and sweet. He is all things in an ever-changing hurricane of masculine energy.

Action steps: love and compliment your woman. Be sweet to her when she’s sick, grumpy, or having a rough day. Kiss her on the forehead, play with her hair, make dinner for her. Be a good partner.

5. Decisive

Christian knows who he is and what he wants out of life… so when he decides that he WANTS Anastasia… it actually means something. Most guys choose a woman because they choose him first or simply because of how they look.

Christian has standards. He has insanely strict standards in fact. He orders a simple gin and tonic with about 30 hyper detailed words of specificity. The man knows himself. So his decisions mean something. He does not have low standards in any area of his life.

Action steps: make firm decisions. Stop settling when it comes to matters of your integrity. Feel passionate about something and let it show. Don’t be afraid to lead your dates. Proactively communicate to your partner things that they can do to make you even happier, and strive to do the same for them.

6. Intentionality

Christian is always in control of himself. He is super capable because he decided early on in life to regularly invest time and effort into developing a wide range of abilities. Simply put, he is hyper intentional about his life. He believes in self-mastery and is always looking for ways to challenge himself and improve as a person.

And it would be so easy to scoff at this book and say “This is an impossible level of greatness to achieve… these kinds of guys don’t exist in real life.” And you’re probably 100% right. The number of 27 year old self-made billionaires in the world is next to non-existent. But I have several friends in my social circle that come very close to how Christian is described throughout the trilogy.

I have one friend who is under 35 and has completed over 10 IronMan competitions across the world while running a massively successful home based business and being one of the greatest husbands and fathers that anyone could ever hope for. I have another friend who wrote and published over 20 books by the time he was 25 years old (while living with his beautiful wife in Hawaii). And yet another friend who worked at Apple for over a decade, owns and flies his own aircraft (just like Christian Grey), is a former pro-surfer, and is one of the sweetest and most loyal men on the face of this planet.

These men exist. And I don’t say this to boast that I know them… I’m saying this to dispel the idea that someone can’t be successful, fit, and emotionally intelligent at a young age… or at any age.

Action steps: live your life on purpose. Commit to growing as a person every single day. Challenge your comfort zones by traveling as often as possible and taking on new skills.

7. Willingness To Be Vulnerable

Christian has a mean history of trauma and abuse in his early life. It’s part of what drove him to succeed to the extent that he did. And one of the most endearing qualities of Christian as a character is that he slowly lets Anastasia into his emotional world and he lets her help heal his emotional wounds.

Modern men are raised with such a shamed mentality around their emotions.

Boys don’t cry. Never let ‘em see you sweat. Feel less, achieve more, don’t complain about anything.

Because of socially conditioned ideas like these being hammered into us, we also tend to intuit the lesson that women will lose attraction to us if we ever DO let them see us sweat/suffer/have a moment of “weakness”.

In reality, a quality woman will genuinely want to be let into your emotional world. She knows that you have some cracks in your proverbial armour because everyone has emotional wounds in their past to be worked through. Holding her back from letting her see you is like repeatedly denying her something she desperately longs for. She wants to be let in. And not to judge you or think any less of you… but to help heal your heart with her feminine nurturing and love.

While Christian doesn’t dump his past and heavy emotional baggage on Anastasia upon first meeting her (as he shouldn’t), he slowly lets her know more about him as he grows to trust her more through their relationship. This is the essence of healthy, high-functioning boundaries… he lets her in because he trusts her, and women (like all people) want to feel like they are trusted.

Action steps: let your partner see you. Don’t be afraid to share your secrets with people you trust. Let your lover in to your world and trust that they have your best interest at heart.
Are There Any Christian Greys Out There?

You don’t need to be every single one of these things in order to attract a partner or maintain a thriving relationship. But if you found yourself thinking “I might have some work to do”, then you’re already on the right path.

How to suggest Kinky sex

By Anne Summers

Sex can be boring. We’ve all had those sessions. Dull-eyed missionary, obligatory birthday blow-jobs, positions that make your arms hurt, delayed orgasms, you know what I’m talking about. Life is too short for bad sex, and your kinks are the things you’ve discovered make it inexplicably incredible. Ann Summers recently asked the nation about their kinks, fetishes and fantasies. The results are in and we live on one kinky little island my friend…

75% of over two thousand respondents identified themselves as having a sexual fetish. That’s so many people you know have a secret kinky side. BUT, in a world where you can buy a trilogy of books about BDSM from a charity shop run by women old enough to be your nan, too many of us are ashamed of those things that get us going, store them away like a dirty little secret and never indulge in them – outside of watching porn. And that sucks. Because kinks are the greatest.

The majority of us may have some kind of sexual fetish, but we’re still very British about discussing them. 61% told us they feel kinks and fetishes are still a taboo. This is a shame, as you need to share them in order to explore your sexuality…most kinky acts are multi-player, after all. So I’m going to tell you how to own, embrace and share them with your partner the right way, with no danger that you’ll end up looking like a creep.

I have kinks, I know about this stuff. Time to speak up and explore yours.

Sharing your kinks, whether it’s with a long-time partner or a potential new one, is tricky and dudes are generally really bad at it. Seriously, we are, guys. It’s so easy to come off as a massive perv and scare off a vanilla partner. Even though you have nothing to be ashamed of, pay your taxes and are one of the nice guys.

I get it. You’ve discovered this thing that sets your world alight but ‘Darling, I want you to gag and spank me’ sounds a little extreme on a Tuesday night. You have to tell your casual fling, lover or spouse about how much you love bondage/pegging/public sex/feet/being electrocuted/feederism/unboxing/wearing a rubber dog mask/watersports/orgasm denial/pulling people around in a carriage like a pony/however the heck you wanna do things, before you explode, goddamnit!

But there are so many wrong ways to do it. I have seriously failed to communicate my own kinks in the past and I’ve seen far, far, far worse behaviour from dudes in kink communities, online spaces and the real world. But I’ve learned a lot from my mistakes (and the glaringly obvious mistakes of others), and now kinks are as much of a part of my sex life as I want them to be. Which is pretty cool.

So, if you want to bring up your kinks with a partner, or find a potential kinky match amid the murky waters of the otherwise vanilla dating scene, you’ve come to the right place. Here’s my advice.



Where do guys go wrong?

So, first things first. Why are guys bad at bringing up their kinks? Mostly because human beings, emotionally closed-off males in particular, are really freaking bad at talking about sex in general.

Generally speaking, guys either go too far, rushing right in and pulling out a drawer full of implements straight away, or don’t go far enough, and are annoyingly coy about it, expecting their partner to read their minds while never actually having the nerve to say what they’re into out loud.

Tips on how to share your fetish and suggest kinky sex.

OK, here are some tips for talking about kinks to partners, that have actually served me well over the years:



· Save it: Rushing into your kinks can be a bad idea, particularly if you’re in a relationship with someone you actually like and want to stick with for a while. Let them get attached to you and your vanilla bedroom moves before revealing that you want them to wear thigh high boots while stepping on your balls. If you want some no-strings kink action with a stranger, then there are solutions for this too – scroll a little further down and I’ll hook you up. With advice.



· Talk about it: The best thing to do as an adult human is to talk to your sexual partners. If you’re dying to bring up your kinks, just ask if they have any first. Sample dialogue: “Hey, do you want to try anything different? Got any kinks I should know about?” Even if they say no, they’ll probably ask you if you do in return. If they don’t, it may be a warning sign that you’re never really going to find what you want with this person.



· Practise talking about it: This is where the being too coy thing comes in. You’re talking about kinks and you start in with the “yeah, you know, all sorts of stuff”. It’s difficult, I know – you can type it into PornHub, but you can’t actually say it out loud, because it’s too embarrassing to announce “I want you to tie me up and sit on my face” or “I want you to spank me with a hairbrush” or “I want you to dress me up in your clothes and f**k me from behind” to someone that you then have to make eye contact with. Practice saying this stuff out loud to yourself or in the mirror and it’ll be easier to say to someone else. Seriously, it helps.



· Think entry level: You’ve been into your kink for a while. Your partner may never have even heard of it, let alone tried it. Expose them to it slowly – suggest a pair of handcuffs before the full-on under-bed restraints. A slap on the bum before introducing them to your paddle collection. The collar and lead before the latex puppy costume.



· Sell them on the benefits: Getting too lost in your kinks can really leave the other person with a slightly disappointing experience. You’re having a whale of a time, getting spanked, spat on or gagged – and they’re not really sure what all the fuss is about. You’ve got to let them share in your enjoyment to the point that they’re loving it too. If they think it looks fun, share your toys (clean them first if they’ve, uh, been in you) and let them have a go. Tell them how good it makes you feel. Tell them what they’ll get in return. Tell them what’s in it for them.



· Reciprocate: Kinda picking up on the point above. But it bears repeating. Kink isn’t one-sided. If someone’s been awesome enough to indulge you in your kinks, return the favour and indulge them in theirs. If they mention something you’re not into, never react negatively, never shame them for their kinks when they’ve been accepting of yours. Unless it’s something you seriously cannot get on board with (to be fair, what are the chances that you’ll meet someone who wants to poop on you? I can’t think of too many other hard limits that are not at least worth a go), you’ve got nothing to lose by at least giving it a taster session. Who knows, maybe you’ll be into it?



· Switch back to vanilla sometimes: Unless your admission of kink awakens something in your partner and they seriouslycannot get enough of it, it’s important to take a break from things every now and then. There’s always a time for Vanilla sex, getting too wrapped up in your kinks will make them become routine. If your partner’s even slightly doubtful about them, then they’re gonna get bored. Lifestyle kinks are a thing – some people really do have relationships in which submission or bondage or pet play or chastity plays a major role that never goes away. But it’s a rare thing, and it’s not for everyone.



You’ve got this. Just ease into talking about your kinks and find that balance. Of course, it’s impossible to know how someone’s going to react, but if you’re not rushing in then it’s easy to gauge reactions, pull things back, play comments off as a joke and try again another time. Before you have at it, though, there’s a few other things to keep in mind.



Consent is always – ALWAYS – the most important thing.

Can’t scream this loud enough. There’s an acronym in kink communities called RACK – it stands for risk-aware, consensual kink.

The risk aware part means that, when you’re indulging in kinky activities, you need to be fully aware of the risks so you’re being as safe as possible. This means safe words or gestures, something to quickly cut restraints in an emergency, adequate lubrication, and so on and so forth.

But the most important part is the “consensual”. For example, surprising someone with a spanking paddle is all well and good, but you seriously need to talk about whether it’s OK or not before that thing makes contact. Just so you know, “maybe” is not a yes. “I guess” is not really a yes either. And a “yes” that you’ve coerced is definitely not a yes. Make sure someone is definitely happy to go along with your kinks before getting started.

Also no one likes an over sharer. That applies to sharing too much information about your kinks on social media, or posting explicit comments on Instagram to people you don’t know. Yes, she looks amazing in that picture. Yes, she might be talking about kinks openly. But she didn’t ask you, so commenting to tell her that “Daddy’s here” is really invasive and unwelcome. And creepy.

It gets tricky because there are so many kinks around dominance and being forced to do things – but remember that it’s not real life. People have to consent to being forced to do things. If you think that takes the fun out of it then oh my god that is a serious red flag on your character, my friend.

Which brings me to…



Nobody owes you their submission.

Not all kinks are related to BDSM, but a whole lot of them are – 74% of people in our survey said they’re into it. Identifying as dominant does not give you the right to act dominant to anyone who has not agreed to be submissive to you.

D/s (dominant and submissive) relationships are built on trust, and if you’re expecting someone to submit to you and call you ‘Master’ within minutes of meeting you, then you’re living in a fantasy world. Submission has to be earned.

This is a real problem in online kink communities. People forget, with a screen to hide behind, that they’re talking to another human and that you actually have to get to know someone as a person – that kinks are a part of a relationship, not the whole basis for it.

There are dating sites for kinks. Keep it off Tinder.

Speaking of online kink communities: Yeah, they exist. So use them. I know plenty of women who’ve matched with someone on Tinder and expected to be asked about their day or their favourite food, and instead have been met with questions about how submissive they are and if they want to check out his dungeon. It’s a bit much.

If you seriously want to meet someone who’s into kink upfront, without bothering quite so much with the vanilla side of their personality, then there are dedicated sites for it where that sort of behaviour is a little more acceptable. Fetlife is the big one, but you could also try Whiplr if you want to go mobile. Still, remember these are regular people too. Don’t dive right in – get to know people before you get explicit.

But if someone’s in a vanilla space (i.e. most the real world), then there’s no way of knowing if they’re interested in kink, and assuming they are is springing it on them without consent. If you’re dying to talk kinks with someone you met on Tinder, then there’s no reason why you can’t bring it up after a while if you’re getting on. But don’t lead with it.


Don’t ask someone to do something you wouldn’t do.

Final point: a lot of kinks can place a serious burden on someone else. If, for example, you’re really into spanking other people, or being dominant, or being tied up, then that’s a seriously big ask to make of another person who might not be totally sure about it.

It’s OK if being spanked yourself isn’t your thing – but just think about it for a second. You’re expecting someone to accept pain for your pleasure, but you wouldn’t do the same for them. That’s not right, is it?

Kink is a two-way street, especially if you’re the one bringing it up. Basically, don’t be selfish. Don’t be creepy. Communicate. Share. And before you know it, your wildest dreams could be coming true. Now, go forth and embrace your kinky side…

SOMETHING NOBODY WANTS TO TALK ABOUT

As a Dom/me your purpose is to lead. My favorite part of being a Domme is that you are there to help guide your sub and help them grow. It doesn’t mean that you want to changed them, you just want to bring out the best in them. You take cues from them as to what their needs are.

As a Dom/me, you feed on the need to be needed, so you keep a sub under you, in more ways than one. They do as you say, they follow you without question and trust your judgment. That is how it should be.

My first point I want to discuss is dependence. Does your sub end up depending on your guidance for everything? It feels great to have them need you for everything, to ask permission for different things. It is great to see them flourish and thrive under you. But what happens if for some reason the relationship fails? Will they be able to continue on without you? What happens if you end up with a serious illness, where your sub ends up being the one taking care of you? Is your sub ready to take charge when needed? What happens if you happen to pass away? Will your sub survive being without your guidance, and constant direction? Without your protection and care? This is more important when you are the one supporting the sub, and said sub doesn’t work outside the home. Will they have the skills necessary to take charge of the finances? Of their life?

It is a good idea to ponder all this and make plans. I met a Dom some time back, his sub was totally dependent on him for everything. He made sure his sub was protected. He married his sub, and prepared some legal documents. Those documents specified a person who would be designated as the sub’s caretaker in case of the Dom’s death. The life insurance would cover the finances, and the backup person would cover the rest. Not everyone can do all this, but it is good to think about it and be prepared. Make sure when you train your sub, you balance the control, so you don’t do them a dis-service by making them totally dependent on you.

And now for the other side of the coin. (kind of) When a sub has issues with standing on their own, and you train them accordingly; are you prepared for the sub to “outgrow “ you? It hurts to see that they don’t need you like they used to. People change, and when you help a sub grow and be strong, and they do, you’ve done a good job. But what now? You just lost your sub? No, you gained a person whom you love deeply, and have an incredible connection with. People change and grow; that is a wonderful thing. When a sub blossoms into themselves and stands beautifully, appreciate the beauty instead of dwelling on what you lost. Life is not about us, but about what we can do for others. You still have the sub’s love and devotion, but you should be able to adjust to life changes. We are all work in progress, and life is full of evolution and change.

Life brings us so many changes and surprises, we all must be able to adjust accordingly. The love, respect, trust and devotion to one another should never change.


~Sam

Rape Fantasy: How to Carry it Out Safely

TRIGGER WARNING.  IF YOU  HAVE ISSUES WITH ABUSE, RAPE OR VIOLENCE, PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE, SCROLL TO THE NEXT POST. THIS ARTICLE TALKS ABOUT CONSENT/NON-CONSENT AND ABOUT FANTASY RAPE SCENES.

Posted on June 12, 2014by Slut Lessons

Disclaimer: Though males and females can have these kinds of fantasies, the proclivity for women to have a masochistic streak in them (along with current societal constructs regarding rapes in general) means that the overwhelming majority of those who experience such fantasies are women. This article will be written from the perspective of a female as the “victim” and a male (or males) as the aggressors. It is appropriate, of course, to substitute any gender at any place in this discussion.

What do we mean by “rape fantasy?”

First and foremost, you need to understand that a rape fantasy is almost invariably more about forced sex and not a desire to actually BE raped by someone. Very few people have the desire to be put through the physical and emotional trauma of a real rape. This is the primary reason I personally usually refer to this as “forced sex fantasy,” rather than rape fantasy; it just gives the wrong impression to some people. Regardless, this is a common fantasy, with some studies suggesting that more than half of all women have some sort of these kinds of fantasies.

The basic idea behind a rape fantasy is that a person has a strong desire to be taken sexually by force. This typically includes a desire to be surprised or caught off guard, physically “captured” and restrained, roughly and aggressively physically attacked to one degree or another, and forced into allowing sexual penetration of the mouth, vagina, and/or anus.

Why do women have rape fantasies?

Rape fantasies are rather common, believe it or not. I’ve seen several sources use different figures, but the general consensus is that significantly more than half of all women have rape fantasies from time to time, and that’s just those willing to admit to it. There are a variety of reasons women have these. But since I am not a psychologist (and didn’t stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night), rather than me rehashing what others have said, I’ll just point you to a few articles written by those with experience in such matters. So read through THIS, THIS, and THIS. THIS, too.

So now that we’ve established that these are perfectly normative fantasies, you have to decide how to go about carrying one out safely and sanely. It’s important you lay out and play by a set of ground rules, for two reasons. First, you don’t want to injure your partner physically or emotionally (beyond what you mutually agree upon), and second, there are significant legal and life-changing consequences if your actions go beyond what you’ve agreed upon and escalate to the point of a true rape.

How Do We Go About Carrying Out a Rape Fantasy Scenario?

There are a variety of things to consider when you begin discussing how to carry out a rape fantasy. First and foremost in your mind should be communication with your partner. I’ll explain below how to bring this up with a partner, but assuming you have and wish to move to putting it into action, you need to work out some details. You therefore need to have a good line of emotional and communicative connectivity to your partner.

The first issue you’ll need to discuss is what I call scope of play. Decide what is off limits and what is not off limits. You’ll want to talk about safe words or safe actions that can be used to stop play (by either partner), as well as any safe sex practices you want to incorporate. Some women will want to be physically abused (e.g., being slapped, beaten, choked out, etc.), whereas others will simply want to be tied up and fucked. Here are some specifics you’ll need to consider:

§ Where will it be okay to play? Her house? Her office? You want to avoid using public spaces to do this kind of thing as a general rule. If someone calls the police, you’re going to have some explaining to do, and it’s going to be quite embarrassing for you. Even if you’re not charged with rape, you could be cited for disturbing the peace, indecent exposure, or any number of other crimes depending upon the jurisdiction. If a home is to be the scene, ensure there aren’t going to be any children around!

§ The times of day that are acceptable? Generally these are done at night, but that doesn’t have to be the case. If you’re going to “case” the victim’s house, you’ll want to be careful in that you don’t raise the suspicion of the neighbors (who might call the police about a prowler, etc.). One exciting element I’ve used is to provide a window within which the attack may occur, say from 8AM on Monday through midnight on Friday. This adds a greater element of surprise into it in that you never know when it’s going to occur.

§ What safe sex practices are going to be used, if any? A typical “real” rape won’t involve condoms or other safe sex practices, so you’ll need to discuss how much reality you’re willing to allow.

§ What other implements will you need? Handcuffs (I’d recommend the velcro kind, so she can escape if you keel over and die. Also, real cuffs can hurt the wrists as they’re pulled apart during a struggle); tape or a gag for the mouth (avoid duct tape – it’ll peel skin off when you try to remove it); a “weapon” of some kind if you want.

§ Safe words. You need a specific word, something other than “no” or “stop” or those kinds of words. The word needs to be easily remembered. You should also consider a visual sign in case the “victim” is gagged or has a cock shoved down her throat and can’t speak. Personally I use the Vulcan hand greeting (the two fingers by two fingers forming into a V), or three quick taps to the leg, butt, or back of whomever’s got his or her cock inside me. Perhaps the most critical thing to understand when you get to the point of carrying out one of these fantasies is that a safe word means a full, complete stop. Period. If the victim uses the safe word/sign and the attacker doesn’t stop, you’ve moved from fantasy into a real rape at that point.

One point to keep in mind is that it is possible to “over construct” a rape fantasy scenario. While “real” rapes are often planned out to an extent, to make the scenario more realistic, the attacker should improvise as he’s carrying out the rape, using whatever tools and implements he will have at his disposal in the environment within which the rape is carried out. For example, rather than carrying something specifically to gag her, use the panties you tear off her, blindfold her with her shirt, etc. It’s important to plan out the basics, but don’t overthink it. That eliminates much of the spontaneity and the “fun” of the whole ordeal.

What’s the Difference Between Rape Fantasy and a Standard BDSM Scenario?

There are quite a few differences, but basically BDSM is more about psychological dominance, whereas rape is mostly about physical dominance (though there can be a psychological component involved if desired). A typical BDSM scene has more of a rhythm and purpose to it than a rape does; a rape is spur of the moment, unplanned, overwhelmingly aggressive in a “mean” way whereas the standard BDSM activities just aren’t structured in that manner. BDSM scenes often involved ritualized rape, but that’s subject for a whole other conversation.

As a Woman, How Do I Tell My Partner I Have a Rape Fantasy?

This is going to be tricky, unless you and your partner are into “rape” or rough sex genres of porn. If that’s the case, it should only be a matter of discussing acting out what you’ve seen in the videos. The fact that you want to act out something you’ve seen in what you’ve been watching should come as no surprise to anyone except perhaps the most naive and clueless of partners.

If it’s not something you’ve discussed or hinted at (i.e., if this is going to come out of the clear blue), you need to be in a relationship configuration where you have a good line of communication with your partner. I would recommend starting out by discussing your desire to be a bit more rough or aggressive in your daily sex life, and then working your way through more and more aggressive scenarios until you’ve gone as far as you can without actually engaging in a rape play. That may take some time, but quite frankly (at least, in my opinion), you need to be well versed in rough sex play before you get into rape play anyway.

As a woman, you do need to be prepared for some pushback if you’re with a newer partner, or a partner who has certain types of philosophies about how men view and treat women. One guy I was seeing for a while couldn’t “go there” with rape play because he was taught to treat women with respect and so forth. Obviously, there’s nothing “wrong” with that, but if rape play is one of those things you crave (and let’s be honest, some of us do crave this kind of sex), then you’re going to find some compatibility problems. Only you can decide how serious those are. Bringing this up to a partner who finds it detestable may result in some damage to your relationship, to include an immediate termination thereof. This is one of those things where you just have to have a good read on the person you’re wanting to play with.

As a Man, How Do I Tell My Partner I Want to “Rape” Her as Fantasy Role Play?

This scenario is even more fraught with the potential to explode. You run the risk of alienating your partner if you just bring this up out of the clear blue. Again, if you have a sexual relationship that involves rough, aggressive sex, or if you watch porn involving that kind of sex or sexual rape fantasy scenarios, then it becomes a bit easier.

One of the main problems with a guy bringing this up is that you may not be aware of any past trauma your partner may have experienced. As many as 1/3 of all women have been raped or sexually assaulted in their lives, and many will never divulge this to their partners (for a variety of reasons). So your “out of the blue” bringing this subject up may open up some old wounds that are best left alone.

Perhaps the best way to guide a partner into this is similar to what I described above for woman – introduce her to some rougher or more aggressive flavors of sex. If she’s receptive to this, gradually increase the intensity (with her permission, of course), and incorporate some restraint(s) and “rapey” type behavior (again, do this very gradually). If she’s willingly engaging in this kind of sex, then you might consider bringing up the subject of a forced sex scenario. I’d avoid using the word “rape” initially, unless you guys have talked about the subject of rape and you know it’s not a trigger for her.

Rape Fantasy Play Involving Strangers/Random Hookups

An alternative to playing with a partner is through the cooperation of a stranger or random hookup. I don’t think I have to expend too much effort explaining all of he potential things that could go wrong here, and I hesitate to even bring it up. But I have seen people ask questions on forums and other social websites regarding how to find someone to “rape” them, so at least a cursory discussion is warranted.

Finding someone to do this will be hard, largely because anyone with any sense realizes that it could be a trap, or that, even if it’s not a trap, the “victim” could later recant and claim that it was an actual rape. I’d recommend using a dating or social site that verifies identities of those who use it if you elect to go this route.

If you and a stranger decide to go through with something like this, arrange a video chat and record it. As a part of this, discuss what you want to happen, the guidelines and limitations, and the fact that you’re both consenting to what’s about to take place. Keep in mind that in some places (especially in countries other than the U.S.), consent to being “raped” doesn’t exist. That means the person doing the attacking can be legally charged with a crime even if the “victim” tells the authorities that it was an arrangement and that she consented to everything that happened.

I highly, highly recommend against using a stranger to carry out this kind of scenario in the absence of some controls or verifications of authenticity of those involved (from both sides).

Possible Scenarios

Once you’ve decided to go through with this sort of thing, and have set the boundaries, you’ll want to discuss a specific scenario in some cases. Perhaps you wish to leave it open ended and allow the “rapist” to attack you whenever and wherever, and that’s fine. These scenarios are provided simply to foment discussion between you and your partner and to give you some ideas for things you might try.

§ Home Attack: This is perhaps the easiest to pull off and the least fraught with potential issues. This simply involved the rapist “breaking in” to the victim’s house and carrying out the attack. Unless you get really wild and noisy, or attract some undue attention while breaking in, you shouldn’t have to worry about causing yourself any problems as a result of neighbors or a random police patrol.

§ Work Attack: This is likely only feasible in a situation where the victim is the owner of a business or owns/works in a facility that doesn’t have security monitoring equipment or other people around. If you work in a typical office setting, it’s a safe bet that there are video cameras around that might capture anything you do, which could land you in trouble from an employment standpoint as well as a legal standpoint.

§ Jogging Attack: This involves authorizing the attack somewhere along a jogging route. Your attacker simply lies in wait for you to come by, then “abducts” you into the woods, rapes you, and leaves you there (be sure and work out how you’re going to get home). Again, this is one of those situations where some undue attention by a passerby might create legal issues for you, so if you elect to use this, do so where you know you’ll have some privacy.

§ Other Abduction Attacks: You can construct any number of possible scenarios using a public abduction. Perhaps a van parked next to the victim’s vehicle in a shop parking lot (park a good ways out so you won’t attract attention – keep in mind possible security cameras). This is a common method for carrying out real rapes, in fact. A rapist will park a van next to a woman’s driver’s side door and when she returns to the vehicle, she’s pulled into the van and driven off. This particular scenario is great for gang rapes.

After Care

If this is this first time you’ve engaged in rape play, it is possible you might need what those in the BDSM community call “after care.” After care is the process of comforting one another and taking care of any emotional or perhaps physical after effects of your sex play. This is especially important if it’s your first time engaging in this sort of activity with a significant other. Connect with each other, comfort one another, make sure both of you are okay, etc. When the adrenaline has worn off a day or two later, you’ll want to talk about how things went, whether or not you want to try it again (or something like it), what you’d want to do differently, etc. Again, communication with your partner is vital. If you’re doing rape play with a stranger or non-SO, you may wish to consider having a close friend in whom you can confide, and who can serve as a check for you afterward to make sure you’re okay.

Summary

Rape fantasies, or forced sex fantasies, can add a wildly fantastic new dimension to your sex life, especially if you’re already a big fan of rough, aggressive sex. If you elect to try this kind of thing, though, it is important to select a partner who’ll work with you and with whom you can communicate effectively to ensure that you don’t get hurt, and that your “rapist” doesn’t suffer any negative emotional issues from having taken you by force. Once you’ve made the decision to do it, it then becomes important to construct a scenario that is safe for both (or all) of you, and that doesn’t involve any potential legal pitfalls. Much of this is common sense, and hopefully this short how-to guide will assist you in exploring this aspect of your sexuality.


The Slut

"The Law, S/M and You"

by A. Spencer Bergstedt







This is a copy of "The Law, S/M and You" by A. Spencer Bergstedt, an Attorney at Law in Seattle, Washington.


The law has historically had a large role in how players go about doing S/M play. From police raids of both yesteryear and today to the effect that participation in S/M might have on issues like child custody, the law has always had an interest in that which society deems abnormal or immoral.


This article is designed to highlight some of the areas of the law that you as a leatherman or leatherwoman should be aware of. The actual laws of course will vary from state to state, county to county and city to city, but, hopefully, this article will help point you in the direction of finding more information about the laws where you live.


Law is divided into two categories - criminal and civil. Both have an impact on S/M.


CRIMINAL There are two aspects of criminal law that the S/M player should keep in mind: private and public activity. Private refers to actions that may take place in your home or other private place and public refers to public places, like bars, events, and outdoors.


PRIVATE There are a number of things that one should be aware of as the law relates to S/M in private. First and foremost is that the (minor) possibility always exists that you may be suspected of committing a crime if it becomes known that you engage in S/M and the cops take an interest.Types of crimes that you could potentially be charged with include (but are not limited to):
Assault
Indecent Exposure
Rape
Kidnapping
False imprisonment
Reckless endangerment
Possession of illegal weapons or substances (e.g., possession of needles for temporary piercing may be illegal in your state)
And in some states - the very act of sex and/or the presence of certain sex toys in a certain quantity may leave you open to prosecution under state laws that prohibit the sale of sex toys.


At the outset I should note that (depending on where you live) it is highly unlikely that you would ever have a problem with the cops. But the possibility does exist.


ASSAULT
Technically, assault is defined as a non-consensual touching of a person by another person. Therefore, if scenes are consensual, the likelihood of actual prosecution is slight. By that I mean that the police might arrest you to harass you BUT the prosecutor’s office would likely decide against filing charges against you because the "victim" consented to the activity. Since prosecutors are in the business of sending criminals to jail, if the "victim" insists there was no crime, the prosecutor generally won't push it.
HOWEVER - many states - including my state of Washington - have enacted domestic violence statutes which can change police and prosecutor protocol. Generally under these types of law, police and prosecutors are encouraged to dismiss the "victim's" statements about not wanting to press charges and move forward with the case. The law is designed to protect repeat victims of domestic violence/abuse who may be reluctant to press charges against their abusers. More often than not, police are instructed to arrest both parties if a domestic violence call is made.


Assault can be charged as either a misdemeanor or a felony depending on the circumstances. (There are 4 degrees of assault) E.g. the use of weapons, the infliction of great bodily harm, and the intent to inflict such great bodily harm. Depending on what you do with your play, you may very quickly jump into the felony category.


INDECENT EXPOSURE
In Washington, this is a misdemeanor crime unless you expose yourself to someone under the age of 14, in which case it becomes a felony.
You must expose yourself in an open and obscene manner to have committed this crime. Here it has been held sufficient to charge you with indecent exposure if you are in your own house/apartment and someone can see in to your house/apartment.


RAPE
Forced and/or non-consensual sexual intercourse or contact which includes any penetration, however slight, of the vagina or anus, with any object; touching of one person genitals to the anus or mouth of another; any touching of the sexual/intimate parts of another for sexual gratification.
Rape is a felony crime.
Consent is a defense to this crime.


KIDNAPPING / UNLAWFUL IMPRISONMENT
These are crimes of restraining another person without their consent and are felonies (in Washington - when in doubt, check your local and state laws).
SODOMY
Sodomy laws are still on the books in many states and the law generally applies to both gays and heterosexual sex that involves either anal-genital contact or oral-genital or oral-anal contact.


OTHER AREAS OF CRIMINAL LAW
Another area that questions come up in is for Pro Dommes. It is quite clear that the main focus of law enforcement in harassing or arresting Pro Dommes is prostitution and child pornography - NOT S/M. If you are a Pro Domme and you get raided or arrested - chances are the cops are going to bust you for prostitution. However, most prostitution laws limit the definition to engaging in sexual conduct in exchange for a fee. So as long as you're not doing that, you'll likely be OK. This does not mean that the cops won't arrest you to harass you - simply that the prosecutor won't be able to charge you with much of anything. HOWEVER, if arrested, you should get an attorney immediately.
Prostitution is generally a misdemeanor.


WHAT TO DO IF THE COPS COME KNOCKING ON MY DOOR
Stay calm.
You do not needto consent for the cops to come into your house. You can force them to come back with a search warrant. HOWEVER, if they believe someone is in immediate harm, they have probable cause to enter without a warrant.
Explain calmly to the cops what the noise was all about - E.g., just good loud sex.
If you are arrested, DON'T say anything. You are not under any obligation to make a statement without an attorney present. Keep track of the officers names, badge numbers, and whether or not they read you your rights.
Call a lawyer immediately.
Remember, if they book you, you'll likely have to remove all your piercing.
Stay calm.


WHAT TO DO IN CASE A SCENE BECOMES NON-CONSENSUAL OR ABUSIVE
Stay calm
Call the police
Call an attorney for yourself. The legal system can be hard to negotiate and the last thing you want is for the cops to treat you like the criminal
Do not shower or clean up if there has been physical damage or rape.Physical evidence - cuts, bruises, semen, blood, hair or skin samples, and even clothing fibers can be very important evidence. Take pictures if you can.
Get medical assistance if you need it. This should be done before step 2 if you need immediate assistance. Plus, the hospital can help get ahold of the police.
Tell the truth about what happened
Contact a friend who can either stay with you or that you can stay with.


PUBLIC LAW
What we're talking about here is what happens when you leave your house -in bars, at events, on the street.
The same laws that are discussed above still apply, but now we have some new things to contend with as well.
-Liquor control board rules
-Impersonating an officer (for you uniform enthusiasts)
-Carrying weapons
As to the crimes discussed above the main thing to remember is this - when you are out in public, not everyone is aware of the negotiations you and your partner have engage in and therefore, what you know to be consensual may not look very consensual from the outside. That 3rd party may decide to call the cops because what you are doing doesn't look consensual.


WEAPONS
If you carry a gun, make sure you have a concealed weapons permit and a licensed and registered weapon.
If you carry a knife, check to see what size blade your local law allows you to carry.


UNIFORMS
You may not impersonate a police or fire official. Basically what this means is don't wear an exact replica of a law/fire enforcement agency whose jurisdiction you are in and do not ever hold yourself out to be a police officer/fire fighter. Do not put any real or fake weapons in a gun holster if you are out and about. You might also choose to wear an overcoat/jacket when going from car to bar.


LIQUOR CONTROL BOARD
Please don't put our friendly bar owners out of business by doing something that violates the liquor control board rules. These rules are much stricter than you might imagine and the penalty's for violation are stiff.
In Washington, it is unlawful in a bar for staff to expose their nipples, any portion of pubic hair, anus, cleft of the buttocks, vulva or genitals.
To encourage or permit anyone on the premises to touch, caress or fondle the breasts, buttocks, anus or genitals or another person. (this rule has been used to fine a bar owner for two customers slow dancing together where the one person rubbed his hand over his partner's ass)
To permit anyone in the bar to wear a device which simulates any of the areas not allowed to be exposed. (This is why we don't see dildos involved in fantasy;s at contests here)
To permit anyone to perform acts of:
intercourse, masturbation, sodomy, oral copulation, flagellation (flogging), touching, caressing, etc.
UNLESS - the performance/entertainer is on a stage at least 18 inches in height and at least 6 feet from the nearest patron.
Definitely check the laws of your own state, county and city as well as administrative rules propagated by the state liquor control board to find out what's legal and not where you live.


CIVIL LAW AND S/M
Civil law applies to things that are not criminal in nature. It covers everything from contracts to divorce to personal injury suits. Here we'll cover:
Using civil law if something goes wrong
Are S/M contracts legally binding?
What can we do to protect ourselves?


IF SOMETHING GOES WRONG
If something goes wrong with a scene or the relationship and non-consensual activity/violence/abuse happen the victim can take two courses of action:
1. Talk to the police, file a report and press for criminal charges; and/or
2. File a civil lawsuit for damages.


CIVIL SUITS
Civil lawsuits can be an excellent way of seeking compensation for damages inflicted by someone who misuses S/M as an excuse for violence. Damages can be had for things like:
actual physical damage; emotional damage; psychological impairment; assault; false imprisonment; etc..
These cases should be handled only with the advice and assistance of an attorney.


ANTI-HARASSMENT/PROTECTIVE ORDERS
To be used if there is a threat of immediate danger/harm, protective orders are a means to keep someone away from you. They can be obtained either through superior or district court.


CONTRACTS
Contracts for sexual services are not legally binding. However, if your's is a service-oriented contract, it might be enforceable.
In any event, I believe written contracts are a great way to clearly communicate what it is that you've negotiated with your relationship or a scene. The contract could potentially be useful in a situation where one player steps over the line of what was negotiated and engages in non-consensual abusive bahavior.
Be prepared that if you want to make it legally binding that you must follow principles of contract. If you are unclear about what these are - you might wish to consult with a lawyer.


PROTECTIONS
Wills
Living wills
Powers of attorney
Authorizations for hospital visits
instructions on what to do with your S/M stuff if you get sick, hurt or die
**NOTE: With all of these documents it is important to execute them before serious injury or illness sets in as you may then be termed incompetent to execute them.


WILLS
A Will is a document by which you designate how you want your property distributed upon your death; who will act as your executor; whether you wish to be buried or cremated; if you desire funeral services; establish certain types of trusts; and establish a guardian for your child(ren).
If you die without a Will your estate will be divided according to the statute related to descent and distribution. What this statute says is that the first person in priority is your surviving legal spouse, then your children. If you have neither, then it goes to your parents, brothers and sisters, grandparents, etc.. Unless they can't find anybody, in which case it goes to the state.
The only way you can designate where your property goes is by doing estate planning. A Will, joint property agreement, payable on death accounts, beneficiary desginations in life insurance policies, and/or a trust are all ways that you can leave your estate. HOWEVER, a Will should almost always be used in conjunction with any of the other types of estate planning methods to ensure that certain details are handled.


LIVING WILLS
These are technically referred to as Directives to Physicians. This document sets forth your desires to not be kept on life support systems if you are terminally ill. Provision can also be made for specific types of medical treatments and, although a right to die law currently only exists in Oregon, you can make your philosphy known in the document that assisted death might be an option for you once it becomes legally viable.


POWERS OF ATTORNEY
A Power of Attorney is a document in which you designate someone else to act on your behalf. They can be for specific acts like selling a house or more general. In terms of estate planning, we generally talk about 2 different - but similar - types.


FUTURE DURABLE POWER OF ATTORNEY
This POA goes into effect when the person executing the document (the principal)
becomes either incapacitated or incompetent and last during the period of incapactiation or incompetency.
The POA gives the attorney-in-fact the ability to handle business and financial affairs for the principal and can include making medical decisions.
The POA also nominates the attorney-in-fact to act as guardian if a guardianship should become necessary.


FUTURE DURABLE POWER OF ATTORNEY FOR HEALTH CARE
This is similar to the document above except that it is directed specifically toward health care and authorizes health care professionals to give information about you to your attorney-in-fact and authorizes your attorney-in-fact to make medical decisions for you


AUTHORIZATION FOR HOSPITAL VISITS
This document ensures that the person you designate can visit you in the hospital.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR WHAT TO DO WITH MY TOYS AND LEATHERS
This becomes critical if you are not out to your biological family about your S/M. Give a trusted friend or family member instructions on what to do with your toys and leathers in the event of a medical emergency or death.
The other way to handle these issues - if you are out or you don't care what your family thinks - is to include instructions for disposition of these items in your Will.


DISSOLUTION / CHILD CUSTODY
S/m play can impact on divorces and child custody actions as well. In the event that you are getting divorced and have children and the terms won't be mutually agreed upon, you should get the advise of an attorney if you think your spouse will use your S/M against you.
Similarly, in child custody modifications, you should hire an attorney at assist you if your ex brings up the issue of S/M as a reason to limit your access to your children.


A. Spencer Bergstedt



Admin note: Please note that this information may not be relevant in your specific country, please consult with a local attorney or legal advisor regarding any situation that you need assistance with.