Tuesday, December 13, 2016

How to suggest Kinky sex



By Anne Summers

Sex can be boring. We’ve all had those sessions. Dull-eyed missionary, obligatory birthday blow-jobs, positions that make your arms hurt, delayed orgasms, you know what I’m talking about. Life is too short for bad sex, and your kinks are the things you’ve discovered make it inexplicably incredible. Ann Summers recently asked the nation about their kinks, fetishes and fantasies. The results are in and we live on one kinky little island my friend…

75% of over two thousand respondents identified themselves as having a sexual fetish. That’s so many people you know have a secret kinky side. BUT, in a world where you can buy a trilogy of books about BDSM from a charity shop run by women old enough to be your nan, too many of us are ashamed of those things that get us going, store them away like a dirty little secret and never indulge in them – outside of watching porn. And that sucks. Because kinks are the greatest.

The majority of us may have some kind of sexual fetish, but we’re still very British about discussing them. 61% told us they feel kinks and fetishes are still a taboo. This is a shame, as you need to share them in order to explore your sexuality…most kinky acts are multi-player, after all. So I’m going to tell you how to own, embrace and share them with your partner the right way, with no danger that you’ll end up looking like a creep.

I have kinks, I know about this stuff. Time to speak up and explore yours.

Sharing your kinks, whether it’s with a long-time partner or a potential new one, is tricky and dudes are generally really bad at it. Seriously, we are, guys. It’s so easy to come off as a massive perv and scare off a vanilla partner. Even though you have nothing to be ashamed of, pay your taxes and are one of the nice guys.

I get it. You’ve discovered this thing that sets your world alight but ‘Darling, I want you to gag and spank me’ sounds a little extreme on a Tuesday night. You have to tell your casual fling, lover or spouse about how much you love bondage/pegging/public sex/feet/being electrocuted/feederism/unboxing/wearing a rubber dog mask/watersports/orgasm denial/pulling people around in a carriage like a pony/however the heck you wanna do things, before you explode, goddamnit!

But there are so many wrong ways to do it. I have seriously failed to communicate my own kinks in the past and I’ve seen far, far, far worse behaviour from dudes in kink communities, online spaces and the real world. But I’ve learned a lot from my mistakes (and the glaringly obvious mistakes of others), and now kinks are as much of a part of my sex life as I want them to be. Which is pretty cool.

So, if you want to bring up your kinks with a partner, or find a potential kinky match amid the murky waters of the otherwise vanilla dating scene, you’ve come to the right place. Here’s my advice.



Where do guys go wrong?

So, first things first. Why are guys bad at bringing up their kinks? Mostly because human beings, emotionally closed-off males in particular, are really freaking bad at talking about sex in general.

Generally speaking, guys either go too far, rushing right in and pulling out a drawer full of implements straight away, or don’t go far enough, and are annoyingly coy about it, expecting their partner to read their minds while never actually having the nerve to say what they’re into out loud.

Tips on how to share your fetish and suggest kinky sex.

OK, here are some tips for talking about kinks to partners, that have actually served me well over the years:



· Save it: Rushing into your kinks can be a bad idea, particularly if you’re in a relationship with someone you actually like and want to stick with for a while. Let them get attached to you and your vanilla bedroom moves before revealing that you want them to wear thigh high boots while stepping on your balls. If you want some no-strings kink action with a stranger, then there are solutions for this too – scroll a little further down and I’ll hook you up. With advice.



· Talk about it: The best thing to do as an adult human is to talk to your sexual partners. If you’re dying to bring up your kinks, just ask if they have any first. Sample dialogue: “Hey, do you want to try anything different? Got any kinks I should know about?” Even if they say no, they’ll probably ask you if you do in return. If they don’t, it may be a warning sign that you’re never really going to find what you want with this person.



· Practise talking about it: This is where the being too coy thing comes in. You’re talking about kinks and you start in with the “yeah, you know, all sorts of stuff”. It’s difficult, I know – you can type it into PornHub, but you can’t actually say it out loud, because it’s too embarrassing to announce “I want you to tie me up and sit on my face” or “I want you to spank me with a hairbrush” or “I want you to dress me up in your clothes and f**k me from behind” to someone that you then have to make eye contact with. Practice saying this stuff out loud to yourself or in the mirror and it’ll be easier to say to someone else. Seriously, it helps.



· Think entry level: You’ve been into your kink for a while. Your partner may never have even heard of it, let alone tried it. Expose them to it slowly – suggest a pair of handcuffs before the full-on under-bed restraints. A slap on the bum before introducing them to your paddle collection. The collar and lead before the latex puppy costume.



· Sell them on the benefits: Getting too lost in your kinks can really leave the other person with a slightly disappointing experience. You’re having a whale of a time, getting spanked, spat on or gagged – and they’re not really sure what all the fuss is about. You’ve got to let them share in your enjoyment to the point that they’re loving it too. If they think it looks fun, share your toys (clean them first if they’ve, uh, been in you) and let them have a go. Tell them how good it makes you feel. Tell them what they’ll get in return. Tell them what’s in it for them.



· Reciprocate: Kinda picking up on the point above. But it bears repeating. Kink isn’t one-sided. If someone’s been awesome enough to indulge you in your kinks, return the favour and indulge them in theirs. If they mention something you’re not into, never react negatively, never shame them for their kinks when they’ve been accepting of yours. Unless it’s something you seriously cannot get on board with (to be fair, what are the chances that you’ll meet someone who wants to poop on you? I can’t think of too many other hard limits that are not at least worth a go), you’ve got nothing to lose by at least giving it a taster session. Who knows, maybe you’ll be into it?



· Switch back to vanilla sometimes: Unless your admission of kink awakens something in your partner and they seriouslycannot get enough of it, it’s important to take a break from things every now and then. There’s always a time for Vanilla sex, getting too wrapped up in your kinks will make them become routine. If your partner’s even slightly doubtful about them, then they’re gonna get bored. Lifestyle kinks are a thing – some people really do have relationships in which submission or bondage or pet play or chastity plays a major role that never goes away. But it’s a rare thing, and it’s not for everyone.



You’ve got this. Just ease into talking about your kinks and find that balance. Of course, it’s impossible to know how someone’s going to react, but if you’re not rushing in then it’s easy to gauge reactions, pull things back, play comments off as a joke and try again another time. Before you have at it, though, there’s a few other things to keep in mind.



Consent is always – ALWAYS – the most important thing.

Can’t scream this loud enough. There’s an acronym in kink communities called RACK – it stands for risk-aware, consensual kink.

The risk aware part means that, when you’re indulging in kinky activities, you need to be fully aware of the risks so you’re being as safe as possible. This means safe words or gestures, something to quickly cut restraints in an emergency, adequate lubrication, and so on and so forth.

But the most important part is the “consensual”. For example, surprising someone with a spanking paddle is all well and good, but you seriously need to talk about whether it’s OK or not before that thing makes contact. Just so you know, “maybe” is not a yes. “I guess” is not really a yes either. And a “yes” that you’ve coerced is definitely not a yes. Make sure someone is definitely happy to go along with your kinks before getting started.

Also no one likes an over sharer. That applies to sharing too much information about your kinks on social media, or posting explicit comments on Instagram to people you don’t know. Yes, she looks amazing in that picture. Yes, she might be talking about kinks openly. But she didn’t ask you, so commenting to tell her that “Daddy’s here” is really invasive and unwelcome. And creepy.

It gets tricky because there are so many kinks around dominance and being forced to do things – but remember that it’s not real life. People have to consent to being forced to do things. If you think that takes the fun out of it then oh my god that is a serious red flag on your character, my friend.

Which brings me to…



Nobody owes you their submission.

Not all kinks are related to BDSM, but a whole lot of them are – 74% of people in our survey said they’re into it. Identifying as dominant does not give you the right to act dominant to anyone who has not agreed to be submissive to you.

D/s (dominant and submissive) relationships are built on trust, and if you’re expecting someone to submit to you and call you ‘Master’ within minutes of meeting you, then you’re living in a fantasy world. Submission has to be earned.

This is a real problem in online kink communities. People forget, with a screen to hide behind, that they’re talking to another human and that you actually have to get to know someone as a person – that kinks are a part of a relationship, not the whole basis for it.

There are dating sites for kinks. Keep it off Tinder.

Speaking of online kink communities: Yeah, they exist. So use them. I know plenty of women who’ve matched with someone on Tinder and expected to be asked about their day or their favourite food, and instead have been met with questions about how submissive they are and if they want to check out his dungeon. It’s a bit much.

If you seriously want to meet someone who’s into kink upfront, without bothering quite so much with the vanilla side of their personality, then there are dedicated sites for it where that sort of behaviour is a little more acceptable. Fetlife is the big one, but you could also try Whiplr if you want to go mobile. Still, remember these are regular people too. Don’t dive right in – get to know people before you get explicit.

But if someone’s in a vanilla space (i.e. most the real world), then there’s no way of knowing if they’re interested in kink, and assuming they are is springing it on them without consent. If you’re dying to talk kinks with someone you met on Tinder, then there’s no reason why you can’t bring it up after a while if you’re getting on. But don’t lead with it.


Don’t ask someone to do something you wouldn’t do.

Final point: a lot of kinks can place a serious burden on someone else. If, for example, you’re really into spanking other people, or being dominant, or being tied up, then that’s a seriously big ask to make of another person who might not be totally sure about it.

It’s OK if being spanked yourself isn’t your thing – but just think about it for a second. You’re expecting someone to accept pain for your pleasure, but you wouldn’t do the same for them. That’s not right, is it?

Kink is a two-way street, especially if you’re the one bringing it up. Basically, don’t be selfish. Don’t be creepy. Communicate. Share. And before you know it, your wildest dreams could be coming true. Now, go forth and embrace your kinky side…



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