Worth keeping here.
Thursday, December 22, 2016
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
7 Things Men Can Learn From Fifty Shades Of Grey
by Jordan October 28, 2014
Jordan Gray says that there are seven things that men can learn from Christian Grey.
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Ever heard of Fifty Shades Of Grey?
It’s a recent cultural phenomenon loved (and hated) by people of all ages.
And before I dive into it…
Yes, the books are terribly written.
Yes, the books were written as Twilight fan fiction.
Yes, the books romanticize certain damaging relationship habits.
And yes, the books represent a laughably unrealistic viewpoint of what kink/BDSM relationships look like.
BUT… to not try and learn something from a book series that so clearly hit a nerve on such a massive scale would be silly.
So here’s what you need to know… a virginal 21 year old student (Anastasia Steele) meets a super sexy/successful 27 year old billionaire (Christian Grey) who happens to take a liking to her. Christian also happens to like kinky sex. They like each other, they fight, they make up, they have a lot of kinky sex, they fall in love, the end.
Here’s the thing that you actually need to know…
The book sold over 100 million copies and was one of the most purchased books in the history of human beings. Why? Because the book tapped into something about human sexuality at the right time. What exactly did it tap into? The fact that a lot of women are sexually frustrated and want to live out explorative sexual fantasies with a leading character who they respond to.
And this is the reason why I had a brain-boner throughout the entire book… the way that the author portrayed Christian Grey was brilliant. Having studied attraction, romantic love, and psychology for the past decade, seeing what the author was layering into Christian was just so smart and culturally well timed.
As much as some guys (I would assume that less than 10% of the original Fifty Shades readership was male) want to attribute Christian’s attractiveness to his money or ripped abs (hint: SO not those things), there is some pretty smart writing going on in terms of how the character was structured.
Enough mental masturbation…
So what is it exactly that makes Christian Grey so attractive to over a hundred million women?
Here are the seven things that you can learn from Christian Grey that will help you be a better boyfriend/husband/partner.
1. Single Minded Attention
Christian is supremely single minded when it comes to Anastasia. He’s focused on her, and only her.
He doesn’t squander his attention or sexual energy on other women in any way. If there is a gorgeous woman within sight, he doesn’t take his eyes off of Anastasia for a second.
While his character takes it a bit too far at times (she refers to his superior “stalking” abilities repeatedly in the first two books), this kind of laser-beamed attention is intoxicating to so many women who have never experienced anything close to it. Especially younger women who have grown up in a dating culture where the cultural narrative says that it’s alright for a guy to text message her a vague sign of interest in order to initiate a first date.
Christian wants Anastasia, and he is clear in his intent.
Action steps: stop looking at other women when you’re out on dates with your partner. Give solid eye contact to your partner when you’re talking to them. Remove distractions from your dates and bedroom when you’re engaging with your partner one on one. When you are away from them get on with your life, but give them your full attention whenever you are with them.
2. Unapologetic Sexual Desire
Christian unapologetically craves Anastasia. He is a calm, controlled man with a healthy relationship to his sexuality and he finds Anastasia absolutely captivating. He lusts after her like most women have never experienced in real life.
It’s an aphrodisiac to feel someone’s eyes on you from across the room (something that she does several times throughout the trilogy).
Christian is always in control of his sexual desire, but just barely. It is the line that he walks between being in control of his sexual beast, and her almost making him lose control of himself that she finds so erotic.
Action steps: dive into your relationship to your sexuality. Figure out exactly what it is you respond to in the bedroom. Don’t be afraid to experiment with new things that you think you might enjoy. Work through any mental or emotional blocks you have surrounding sexuality from past trauma or conditioning.
3. Driven
It’s not the fact that Christian has billions of dollars or a chiseled torso that women find attractive so much what those things say about him as a person. The external markers of success and health speak to his unrelenting drive and passion for what he does in his life.
It’s not that he has strong muscles, it’s the fact that he has a strong enough of a mind to have earned those muscles. And it is much the same in real life. Most women aren’t attracted to rich men because they have lots of money as much as they’re attracted to those kinds of men because those men are self-aware, driven, and actually care enough about something in their lives that they want to chase it down and conquer it.
Action steps: figure out what you’re passionate about and follow it with abandon. Don’t be afraid to chase down every single one of your dreams no matter how outlandish or socially out of the box they seem. Always be improving as a person.
4. Love and affection
If he was only ever sexually aggressive with her then it would get old fast. Predictability is death to sexual passion. It would be like if someone learned how to play one chord on a guitar and then only played that one chord over and over again (whereas knowing just four or five chords enables you to play entire songs that are much more emotionally engaging). Christian is the opposite of someone who knows how to play one chord. In fact, he is described as “mercurial” 17 times in the trilogy.
When Christian isn’t tying up/spanking/flogging Anastasia, he frequently holds her, caresses her, adores her, and kisses her on the forehead. He is strong, and soft. Aggressive and sweet. He is all things in an ever-changing hurricane of masculine energy.
Action steps: love and compliment your woman. Be sweet to her when she’s sick, grumpy, or having a rough day. Kiss her on the forehead, play with her hair, make dinner for her. Be a good partner.
5. Decisive
Christian knows who he is and what he wants out of life… so when he decides that he WANTS Anastasia… it actually means something. Most guys choose a woman because they choose him first or simply because of how they look.
Christian has standards. He has insanely strict standards in fact. He orders a simple gin and tonic with about 30 hyper detailed words of specificity. The man knows himself. So his decisions mean something. He does not have low standards in any area of his life.
Action steps: make firm decisions. Stop settling when it comes to matters of your integrity. Feel passionate about something and let it show. Don’t be afraid to lead your dates. Proactively communicate to your partner things that they can do to make you even happier, and strive to do the same for them.
6. Intentionality
Christian is always in control of himself. He is super capable because he decided early on in life to regularly invest time and effort into developing a wide range of abilities. Simply put, he is hyper intentional about his life. He believes in self-mastery and is always looking for ways to challenge himself and improve as a person.
And it would be so easy to scoff at this book and say “This is an impossible level of greatness to achieve… these kinds of guys don’t exist in real life.” And you’re probably 100% right. The number of 27 year old self-made billionaires in the world is next to non-existent. But I have several friends in my social circle that come very close to how Christian is described throughout the trilogy.
I have one friend who is under 35 and has completed over 10 IronMan competitions across the world while running a massively successful home based business and being one of the greatest husbands and fathers that anyone could ever hope for. I have another friend who wrote and published over 20 books by the time he was 25 years old (while living with his beautiful wife in Hawaii). And yet another friend who worked at Apple for over a decade, owns and flies his own aircraft (just like Christian Grey), is a former pro-surfer, and is one of the sweetest and most loyal men on the face of this planet.
These men exist. And I don’t say this to boast that I know them… I’m saying this to dispel the idea that someone can’t be successful, fit, and emotionally intelligent at a young age… or at any age.
Action steps: live your life on purpose. Commit to growing as a person every single day. Challenge your comfort zones by traveling as often as possible and taking on new skills.
7. Willingness To Be Vulnerable
Christian has a mean history of trauma and abuse in his early life. It’s part of what drove him to succeed to the extent that he did. And one of the most endearing qualities of Christian as a character is that he slowly lets Anastasia into his emotional world and he lets her help heal his emotional wounds.
Modern men are raised with such a shamed mentality around their emotions.
Boys don’t cry. Never let ‘em see you sweat. Feel less, achieve more, don’t complain about anything.
Because of socially conditioned ideas like these being hammered into us, we also tend to intuit the lesson that women will lose attraction to us if we ever DO let them see us sweat/suffer/have a moment of “weakness”.
In reality, a quality woman will genuinely want to be let into your emotional world. She knows that you have some cracks in your proverbial armour because everyone has emotional wounds in their past to be worked through. Holding her back from letting her see you is like repeatedly denying her something she desperately longs for. She wants to be let in. And not to judge you or think any less of you… but to help heal your heart with her feminine nurturing and love.
While Christian doesn’t dump his past and heavy emotional baggage on Anastasia upon first meeting her (as he shouldn’t), he slowly lets her know more about him as he grows to trust her more through their relationship. This is the essence of healthy, high-functioning boundaries… he lets her in because he trusts her, and women (like all people) want to feel like they are trusted.
Action steps: let your partner see you. Don’t be afraid to share your secrets with people you trust. Let your lover in to your world and trust that they have your best interest at heart.
Are There Any Christian Greys Out There?
You don’t need to be every single one of these things in order to attract a partner or maintain a thriving relationship. But if you found yourself thinking “I might have some work to do”, then you’re already on the right path.
Tuesday, December 13, 2016
How to suggest Kinky sex
By Anne Summers
Sex can be boring. We’ve all had those sessions. Dull-eyed missionary, obligatory birthday blow-jobs, positions that make your arms hurt, delayed orgasms, you know what I’m talking about. Life is too short for bad sex, and your kinks are the things you’ve discovered make it inexplicably incredible. Ann Summers recently asked the nation about their kinks, fetishes and fantasies. The results are in and we live on one kinky little island my friend…
75% of over two thousand respondents identified themselves as having a sexual fetish. That’s so many people you know have a secret kinky side. BUT, in a world where you can buy a trilogy of books about BDSM from a charity shop run by women old enough to be your nan, too many of us are ashamed of those things that get us going, store them away like a dirty little secret and never indulge in them – outside of watching porn. And that sucks. Because kinks are the greatest.
The majority of us may have some kind of sexual fetish, but we’re still very British about discussing them. 61% told us they feel kinks and fetishes are still a taboo. This is a shame, as you need to share them in order to explore your sexuality…most kinky acts are multi-player, after all. So I’m going to tell you how to own, embrace and share them with your partner the right way, with no danger that you’ll end up looking like a creep.
I have kinks, I know about this stuff. Time to speak up and explore yours.
Sharing your kinks, whether it’s with a long-time partner or a potential new one, is tricky and dudes are generally really bad at it. Seriously, we are, guys. It’s so easy to come off as a massive perv and scare off a vanilla partner. Even though you have nothing to be ashamed of, pay your taxes and are one of the nice guys.
I get it. You’ve discovered this thing that sets your world alight but ‘Darling, I want you to gag and spank me’ sounds a little extreme on a Tuesday night. You have to tell your casual fling, lover or spouse about how much you love bondage/pegging/public sex/feet/being electrocuted/feederism/unboxing/wearing a rubber dog mask/watersports/orgasm denial/pulling people around in a carriage like a pony/however the heck you wanna do things, before you explode, goddamnit!
But there are so many wrong ways to do it. I have seriously failed to communicate my own kinks in the past and I’ve seen far, far, far worse behaviour from dudes in kink communities, online spaces and the real world. But I’ve learned a lot from my mistakes (and the glaringly obvious mistakes of others), and now kinks are as much of a part of my sex life as I want them to be. Which is pretty cool.
So, if you want to bring up your kinks with a partner, or find a potential kinky match amid the murky waters of the otherwise vanilla dating scene, you’ve come to the right place. Here’s my advice.
Where do guys go wrong?
So, first things first. Why are guys bad at bringing up their kinks? Mostly because human beings, emotionally closed-off males in particular, are really freaking bad at talking about sex in general.
Generally speaking, guys either go too far, rushing right in and pulling out a drawer full of implements straight away, or don’t go far enough, and are annoyingly coy about it, expecting their partner to read their minds while never actually having the nerve to say what they’re into out loud.
Tips on how to share your fetish and suggest kinky sex.
OK, here are some tips for talking about kinks to partners, that have actually served me well over the years:
· Save it: Rushing into your kinks can be a bad idea, particularly if you’re in a relationship with someone you actually like and want to stick with for a while. Let them get attached to you and your vanilla bedroom moves before revealing that you want them to wear thigh high boots while stepping on your balls. If you want some no-strings kink action with a stranger, then there are solutions for this too – scroll a little further down and I’ll hook you up. With advice.
· Talk about it: The best thing to do as an adult human is to talk to your sexual partners. If you’re dying to bring up your kinks, just ask if they have any first. Sample dialogue: “Hey, do you want to try anything different? Got any kinks I should know about?” Even if they say no, they’ll probably ask you if you do in return. If they don’t, it may be a warning sign that you’re never really going to find what you want with this person.
· Practise talking about it: This is where the being too coy thing comes in. You’re talking about kinks and you start in with the “yeah, you know, all sorts of stuff”. It’s difficult, I know – you can type it into PornHub, but you can’t actually say it out loud, because it’s too embarrassing to announce “I want you to tie me up and sit on my face” or “I want you to spank me with a hairbrush” or “I want you to dress me up in your clothes and f**k me from behind” to someone that you then have to make eye contact with. Practice saying this stuff out loud to yourself or in the mirror and it’ll be easier to say to someone else. Seriously, it helps.
· Think entry level: You’ve been into your kink for a while. Your partner may never have even heard of it, let alone tried it. Expose them to it slowly – suggest a pair of handcuffs before the full-on under-bed restraints. A slap on the bum before introducing them to your paddle collection. The collar and lead before the latex puppy costume.
· Sell them on the benefits: Getting too lost in your kinks can really leave the other person with a slightly disappointing experience. You’re having a whale of a time, getting spanked, spat on or gagged – and they’re not really sure what all the fuss is about. You’ve got to let them share in your enjoyment to the point that they’re loving it too. If they think it looks fun, share your toys (clean them first if they’ve, uh, been in you) and let them have a go. Tell them how good it makes you feel. Tell them what they’ll get in return. Tell them what’s in it for them.
· Reciprocate: Kinda picking up on the point above. But it bears repeating. Kink isn’t one-sided. If someone’s been awesome enough to indulge you in your kinks, return the favour and indulge them in theirs. If they mention something you’re not into, never react negatively, never shame them for their kinks when they’ve been accepting of yours. Unless it’s something you seriously cannot get on board with (to be fair, what are the chances that you’ll meet someone who wants to poop on you? I can’t think of too many other hard limits that are not at least worth a go), you’ve got nothing to lose by at least giving it a taster session. Who knows, maybe you’ll be into it?
· Switch back to vanilla sometimes: Unless your admission of kink awakens something in your partner and they seriouslycannot get enough of it, it’s important to take a break from things every now and then. There’s always a time for Vanilla sex, getting too wrapped up in your kinks will make them become routine. If your partner’s even slightly doubtful about them, then they’re gonna get bored. Lifestyle kinks are a thing – some people really do have relationships in which submission or bondage or pet play or chastity plays a major role that never goes away. But it’s a rare thing, and it’s not for everyone.
You’ve got this. Just ease into talking about your kinks and find that balance. Of course, it’s impossible to know how someone’s going to react, but if you’re not rushing in then it’s easy to gauge reactions, pull things back, play comments off as a joke and try again another time. Before you have at it, though, there’s a few other things to keep in mind.
Consent is always – ALWAYS – the most important thing.
Can’t scream this loud enough. There’s an acronym in kink communities called RACK – it stands for risk-aware, consensual kink.
The risk aware part means that, when you’re indulging in kinky activities, you need to be fully aware of the risks so you’re being as safe as possible. This means safe words or gestures, something to quickly cut restraints in an emergency, adequate lubrication, and so on and so forth.
But the most important part is the “consensual”. For example, surprising someone with a spanking paddle is all well and good, but you seriously need to talk about whether it’s OK or not before that thing makes contact. Just so you know, “maybe” is not a yes. “I guess” is not really a yes either. And a “yes” that you’ve coerced is definitely not a yes. Make sure someone is definitely happy to go along with your kinks before getting started.
Also no one likes an over sharer. That applies to sharing too much information about your kinks on social media, or posting explicit comments on Instagram to people you don’t know. Yes, she looks amazing in that picture. Yes, she might be talking about kinks openly. But she didn’t ask you, so commenting to tell her that “Daddy’s here” is really invasive and unwelcome. And creepy.
It gets tricky because there are so many kinks around dominance and being forced to do things – but remember that it’s not real life. People have to consent to being forced to do things. If you think that takes the fun out of it then oh my god that is a serious red flag on your character, my friend.
Which brings me to…
Nobody owes you their submission.
Not all kinks are related to BDSM, but a whole lot of them are – 74% of people in our survey said they’re into it. Identifying as dominant does not give you the right to act dominant to anyone who has not agreed to be submissive to you.
D/s (dominant and submissive) relationships are built on trust, and if you’re expecting someone to submit to you and call you ‘Master’ within minutes of meeting you, then you’re living in a fantasy world. Submission has to be earned.
This is a real problem in online kink communities. People forget, with a screen to hide behind, that they’re talking to another human and that you actually have to get to know someone as a person – that kinks are a part of a relationship, not the whole basis for it.
There are dating sites for kinks. Keep it off Tinder.
Speaking of online kink communities: Yeah, they exist. So use them. I know plenty of women who’ve matched with someone on Tinder and expected to be asked about their day or their favourite food, and instead have been met with questions about how submissive they are and if they want to check out his dungeon. It’s a bit much.
If you seriously want to meet someone who’s into kink upfront, without bothering quite so much with the vanilla side of their personality, then there are dedicated sites for it where that sort of behaviour is a little more acceptable. Fetlife is the big one, but you could also try Whiplr if you want to go mobile. Still, remember these are regular people too. Don’t dive right in – get to know people before you get explicit.
But if someone’s in a vanilla space (i.e. most the real world), then there’s no way of knowing if they’re interested in kink, and assuming they are is springing it on them without consent. If you’re dying to talk kinks with someone you met on Tinder, then there’s no reason why you can’t bring it up after a while if you’re getting on. But don’t lead with it.
Don’t ask someone to do something you wouldn’t do.
Final point: a lot of kinks can place a serious burden on someone else. If, for example, you’re really into spanking other people, or being dominant, or being tied up, then that’s a seriously big ask to make of another person who might not be totally sure about it.
It’s OK if being spanked yourself isn’t your thing – but just think about it for a second. You’re expecting someone to accept pain for your pleasure, but you wouldn’t do the same for them. That’s not right, is it?
Kink is a two-way street, especially if you’re the one bringing it up. Basically, don’t be selfish. Don’t be creepy. Communicate. Share. And before you know it, your wildest dreams could be coming true. Now, go forth and embrace your kinky side…
Monday, December 12, 2016
Anatomy of a Scene
Anatomy of a Scene
By Rev, November 10,2014
If you haven’t heard me say this yet, here goes again: being into BDSM doesn’t mean you have to be into sadomasochism or “scening” (engaging in “scenes”). Having scenes doesn’t mean you have to be into sadomasochism either. And finally, being into sadomasochism doesn’t mean you have to be into dominance and submission.
The acronym “BDSM” represents bondage, dominance, submission, sadism, masochism. You don’t have to do all the things to do some of the things. This stuff is for you and your partner(s)- you get to take what you want off the buffet line.
“Scene” is a common term in the BDSM world. It basically means interactions with someone that involve BDSM dynamics, dynamics that involve any of the above elements, in whatever combo or particular flavor you and your partner like. It can run the gamut from planned days in advance, written out in specifics, negotiated carefully with the person you’re interacting with, to on-the-spot, spontaneous BDSM interactions with someone that you speed-negotiate or play by ear. And everything in between.
There No Definitive Formula for How to Construct a Scene
It’s a question I certainly had when I was new and I know it’s on a lot of your minds. So consider this a very basic suggested outline. As always, take the ingredients, try the ones that appeal to you, tailor them to your own needs and desires, adjust as indicated as you go and after trying. This is your process, your interaction, that of you and your partner or partners. The bottom line is it’s about connecting, having a shared experience, creating the kind of interactions you want to have with people in an atmosphere of consent. That will change depending on the person, the timing, and your moods that day. If you get too hung up on trying to conform to some kind of recipe, you’ll feel awkward and stiff. That might be hard to avoid completely when you’re trying new things or playing with new people, but the more you can relax and enjoy, the better it’ll be for everyone.
And always remember: humor is good.
Basic Scene Elements
We’ll start from the point where you’ve met someone and decided you both want to play with each other. Remember that the scene can be aborted at any time if things start to feel wrong, unsafe or one of you calls “red” for any reason (“red” is the universal safe word for “scene over”, but feel free to make up your own- just make sure it’s clear to all parties).
Negotiation: This stage is essential. Depending on what you’re doing, it can be as simple as “I want to spank you” and “okay, let’s do that”. Or it can be a process that starts with exchanging emails, planning an elaborate rope bondage scene that entails floggers, a blindfold, Wagner’s “An Webers Grabe” and a rubber chicken. The point of negotiation is to figure out what you both want to do together, what you absolutely don’t want to do together, what your safe words will be, where you’ll play, get a feel for your personalities, how much experience you have, etc. It’s important, especially if you’re new to BDSM or each other. For more on this important step, check Norische’s post on it.
Prepare the space: The surroundings can have a powerful influence on the scene. Some things to think about: Music? Lighting? Toys? Aftercare? Water? Private or public? Safer sex supplies? You probably won’t always remember everything, but the more your prepared for, the less the distractions later. You can always send your bottom to fetch what you need. That can be particularly fun if they’re cuffed or tied or blindfolded or instructed to crawl.
Safety: Again, depending on what you’re doing, you want to think about safety supplies you might need. For example, if you’re playing with rope you’ll want to make sure you have some good safety scissors handy in case an emergency escape is needed. Ideally, you’ll have done a little homework on whatever type of play you have in mind and so you’ll know what you need to have nearby. A first aid kit is always a good idea.
(ps: Did you know that if you subscribe to the Dominant Guide by email, you get a free safety pamphlet that include first aid for a variety of minor things as well as sound advice in the case of (heaven forbid) a more serious injury or other risky situation. Check it out! Okay, onward and upward…)
Connection: This is a really important component of any scene for me, whether it’s a more casual service topping kind of thing or a deeper, intensely emotional scene with a beloved. If you’re playing with a partner you’re already close with, you’ll probably find this comes pretty easily. If you’re new to the idea of creating connection, you can try some different things and see what works. Things like eye gazing, breathing together, gently manipulating your partner’s body as though you were leading them in a dance- these are just a few ideas. Can you think of some others? Different things might work with different peope at different times. Find what works for you.
Warm up: Warm up isn’t totally necessary- it depends on how you like to play and the affect you want to have. Whether I’m playing with S/m or psychological Domination, I generally find that if I start slow and gradually ramp the play up, I can take my submissive deeper for longer. If I start in hard and heavy, then they tend to have more challenges processing the intensity and will experience more distress and may have to stop sooner. Not always, but generally.
Escalation: This is the process of ramping up the intensity after a good period of warm up. Commands may get fiercer, activities are edgier and sensation may be more intense. In other words, I can be meaner, hit harder, push farther. This will take us up to….
The Amber Zone: Which is my favorite place to play. For me this is the equivalent of the plateau zone right before orgasm. It’s not quite peaking, but it’s close. I love to work up to that place where my submissive is just occasionally wondering if they can take/do much more, then I’ll back off of it slowly, providing what’s essentially a pause (though activity doesn’t stop, it’s less intense and demanding), then I lean back into that edgy amber zone again. I will usually do this at least a few times. In between the more intense times, I might lean in and whisper in their ears, gently stroke the areas of their skin that I’ve been hard on, tell them I love them, ask how they are, etc. When I was new, I heard this refered to “refilling the spank bank”. In other words, if one is administering constant intense sensation (claws, biting, flogging, humiliation, etc), the human animal will find it harder and harder to process it and will soon need to stop altogether. If I instead let up after a few moments of intensity and do comfort, ease, connect with someone, then the pain/distress tolerance goes up again and I can get intense again. There seems to be a cumulative affect that will take us to the end of their tolerance eventually, but I can keep things going a lot longer if I create these pauses now and then. I love to dance around that line between easy/yummy and “oh my god… woah…”.
Everyone’s yellow/amber zone is different. It’s your job to pay attention and ask for feedback so you know where your submissive/bottom’s is. This will help you figure out how to work it in the way you want. Some people hit the yellow zone with much less stimulation, quicker when they’re playing with someone new or if they don’t feel well that day, etc. Some people can take a lot more to get there. Bottom line is, it will vary.
Peak/Crisis:
This isn’t a necessary part of a scene either. I just happen to like it. Meaning, I like to play until we reach a point where my submissive can’t do anymore. We don’t always get to that place, but most of the time we do. It can involve crying, yelling, asking for mercy, crying “red” or anything that really says “I’m done” including saying… “I’m done” or anything else that works as a safe word for you and your partner(s).
Resolution:
Again, the analogy with sexual response loosely applies. This is the time post peak when we move back into a connection phase. Typically it seems important for me to stay close as my submissive can feel very raw, emotional, vulnerable. It’s not usually a good time for me to walk away and make a phone call or start cleaning up my toys. They’re coming back to earth in a way, sometimes from a very deeply altered state. I need to keep the container intact until I know they’re fairly grounded again.
Aftercare:
Not everyone needs it all the time. It depends on the person, how deeply and hard you played, and what you’ve negotiated ahead of time. I think it’s important to include aftercare talk in the negotiations before you play. Some people don’t want it, some Dominants don’t want to provide it, some Dominants need it for themselves. Talk ahead of time and if you’re a Dominant who doesn’t like to give it and you’re considering playing with a submissive who must have it, then see if you can set up an alternate play so they get what they need and you don’t have to provide it. Same if you’re a Dominant who needs aftercare and your partner doesn’t want to give it. Can someone be a stand in? Can we take care of our own aftercare? If we can’t come up with a plan B, then we probably shouldn’t play. It can be really hard to navigate post play drop if you need aftercare and don’t get it.
Aftercare can include water, protein, snuggles, talking over the scene, a shoulder to cry on or any other activities that one finds helps to deal with any post play feelings.
Follow Up:
I like to check in anywhere from the next day to a few days later to see how my partner is doing. This can take the form of a phone call, an email exchange, a coffee date, whatever. Especially if I’m going to play with someone again, I want feedback on their experience- this helps me make our play more powerful down the road. If nothing else, it’s nice to say thanks for a great time. It’s also a good time to settle the question of next date? Or not.
There you have it, my very loose outline of a general approach. It really depends a lot on the person, on you, on what you’re doing, and the moment. So much of this process, I think, is about being in the moment and following your instincts, as well as listening to your partner, both words and body language. It’s not an exact science, anymore than sex or any other intimate activity is. The “right” ways to do it are as varied as the people doing it. Time, experience, attention to yourself and your partner at the things that will get you to the place you want to be. There are no shortcuts and mistakes happen, no matter how long you’ve been around.
But hopefully this will give you a peek into at least one way to think about scenes and how they might progress.
As always, mileage will vary.
Rev
If you haven’t heard me say this yet, here goes again: being into BDSM doesn’t mean you have to be into sadomasochism or “scening” (engaging in “scenes”). Having scenes doesn’t mean you have to be into sadomasochism either. And finally, being into sadomasochism doesn’t mean you have to be into dominance and submission.
The acronym “BDSM” represents bondage, dominance, submission, sadism, masochism. You don’t have to do all the things to do some of the things. This stuff is for you and your partner(s)- you get to take what you want off the buffet line.
“Scene” is a common term in the BDSM world. It basically means interactions with someone that involve BDSM dynamics, dynamics that involve any of the above elements, in whatever combo or particular flavor you and your partner like. It can run the gamut from planned days in advance, written out in specifics, negotiated carefully with the person you’re interacting with, to on-the-spot, spontaneous BDSM interactions with someone that you speed-negotiate or play by ear. And everything in between.
There No Definitive Formula for How to Construct a Scene
It’s a question I certainly had when I was new and I know it’s on a lot of your minds. So consider this a very basic suggested outline. As always, take the ingredients, try the ones that appeal to you, tailor them to your own needs and desires, adjust as indicated as you go and after trying. This is your process, your interaction, that of you and your partner or partners. The bottom line is it’s about connecting, having a shared experience, creating the kind of interactions you want to have with people in an atmosphere of consent. That will change depending on the person, the timing, and your moods that day. If you get too hung up on trying to conform to some kind of recipe, you’ll feel awkward and stiff. That might be hard to avoid completely when you’re trying new things or playing with new people, but the more you can relax and enjoy, the better it’ll be for everyone.
And always remember: humor is good.
Basic Scene Elements
We’ll start from the point where you’ve met someone and decided you both want to play with each other. Remember that the scene can be aborted at any time if things start to feel wrong, unsafe or one of you calls “red” for any reason (“red” is the universal safe word for “scene over”, but feel free to make up your own- just make sure it’s clear to all parties).
Negotiation: This stage is essential. Depending on what you’re doing, it can be as simple as “I want to spank you” and “okay, let’s do that”. Or it can be a process that starts with exchanging emails, planning an elaborate rope bondage scene that entails floggers, a blindfold, Wagner’s “An Webers Grabe” and a rubber chicken. The point of negotiation is to figure out what you both want to do together, what you absolutely don’t want to do together, what your safe words will be, where you’ll play, get a feel for your personalities, how much experience you have, etc. It’s important, especially if you’re new to BDSM or each other. For more on this important step, check Norische’s post on it.
Prepare the space: The surroundings can have a powerful influence on the scene. Some things to think about: Music? Lighting? Toys? Aftercare? Water? Private or public? Safer sex supplies? You probably won’t always remember everything, but the more your prepared for, the less the distractions later. You can always send your bottom to fetch what you need. That can be particularly fun if they’re cuffed or tied or blindfolded or instructed to crawl.
Safety: Again, depending on what you’re doing, you want to think about safety supplies you might need. For example, if you’re playing with rope you’ll want to make sure you have some good safety scissors handy in case an emergency escape is needed. Ideally, you’ll have done a little homework on whatever type of play you have in mind and so you’ll know what you need to have nearby. A first aid kit is always a good idea.
(ps: Did you know that if you subscribe to the Dominant Guide by email, you get a free safety pamphlet that include first aid for a variety of minor things as well as sound advice in the case of (heaven forbid) a more serious injury or other risky situation. Check it out! Okay, onward and upward…)
Connection: This is a really important component of any scene for me, whether it’s a more casual service topping kind of thing or a deeper, intensely emotional scene with a beloved. If you’re playing with a partner you’re already close with, you’ll probably find this comes pretty easily. If you’re new to the idea of creating connection, you can try some different things and see what works. Things like eye gazing, breathing together, gently manipulating your partner’s body as though you were leading them in a dance- these are just a few ideas. Can you think of some others? Different things might work with different peope at different times. Find what works for you.
Warm up: Warm up isn’t totally necessary- it depends on how you like to play and the affect you want to have. Whether I’m playing with S/m or psychological Domination, I generally find that if I start slow and gradually ramp the play up, I can take my submissive deeper for longer. If I start in hard and heavy, then they tend to have more challenges processing the intensity and will experience more distress and may have to stop sooner. Not always, but generally.
Escalation: This is the process of ramping up the intensity after a good period of warm up. Commands may get fiercer, activities are edgier and sensation may be more intense. In other words, I can be meaner, hit harder, push farther. This will take us up to….
The Amber Zone: Which is my favorite place to play. For me this is the equivalent of the plateau zone right before orgasm. It’s not quite peaking, but it’s close. I love to work up to that place where my submissive is just occasionally wondering if they can take/do much more, then I’ll back off of it slowly, providing what’s essentially a pause (though activity doesn’t stop, it’s less intense and demanding), then I lean back into that edgy amber zone again. I will usually do this at least a few times. In between the more intense times, I might lean in and whisper in their ears, gently stroke the areas of their skin that I’ve been hard on, tell them I love them, ask how they are, etc. When I was new, I heard this refered to “refilling the spank bank”. In other words, if one is administering constant intense sensation (claws, biting, flogging, humiliation, etc), the human animal will find it harder and harder to process it and will soon need to stop altogether. If I instead let up after a few moments of intensity and do comfort, ease, connect with someone, then the pain/distress tolerance goes up again and I can get intense again. There seems to be a cumulative affect that will take us to the end of their tolerance eventually, but I can keep things going a lot longer if I create these pauses now and then. I love to dance around that line between easy/yummy and “oh my god… woah…”.
Everyone’s yellow/amber zone is different. It’s your job to pay attention and ask for feedback so you know where your submissive/bottom’s is. This will help you figure out how to work it in the way you want. Some people hit the yellow zone with much less stimulation, quicker when they’re playing with someone new or if they don’t feel well that day, etc. Some people can take a lot more to get there. Bottom line is, it will vary.
Peak/Crisis:
This isn’t a necessary part of a scene either. I just happen to like it. Meaning, I like to play until we reach a point where my submissive can’t do anymore. We don’t always get to that place, but most of the time we do. It can involve crying, yelling, asking for mercy, crying “red” or anything that really says “I’m done” including saying… “I’m done” or anything else that works as a safe word for you and your partner(s).
Resolution:
Again, the analogy with sexual response loosely applies. This is the time post peak when we move back into a connection phase. Typically it seems important for me to stay close as my submissive can feel very raw, emotional, vulnerable. It’s not usually a good time for me to walk away and make a phone call or start cleaning up my toys. They’re coming back to earth in a way, sometimes from a very deeply altered state. I need to keep the container intact until I know they’re fairly grounded again.
Aftercare:
Not everyone needs it all the time. It depends on the person, how deeply and hard you played, and what you’ve negotiated ahead of time. I think it’s important to include aftercare talk in the negotiations before you play. Some people don’t want it, some Dominants don’t want to provide it, some Dominants need it for themselves. Talk ahead of time and if you’re a Dominant who doesn’t like to give it and you’re considering playing with a submissive who must have it, then see if you can set up an alternate play so they get what they need and you don’t have to provide it. Same if you’re a Dominant who needs aftercare and your partner doesn’t want to give it. Can someone be a stand in? Can we take care of our own aftercare? If we can’t come up with a plan B, then we probably shouldn’t play. It can be really hard to navigate post play drop if you need aftercare and don’t get it.
Aftercare can include water, protein, snuggles, talking over the scene, a shoulder to cry on or any other activities that one finds helps to deal with any post play feelings.
Follow Up:
I like to check in anywhere from the next day to a few days later to see how my partner is doing. This can take the form of a phone call, an email exchange, a coffee date, whatever. Especially if I’m going to play with someone again, I want feedback on their experience- this helps me make our play more powerful down the road. If nothing else, it’s nice to say thanks for a great time. It’s also a good time to settle the question of next date? Or not.
There you have it, my very loose outline of a general approach. It really depends a lot on the person, on you, on what you’re doing, and the moment. So much of this process, I think, is about being in the moment and following your instincts, as well as listening to your partner, both words and body language. It’s not an exact science, anymore than sex or any other intimate activity is. The “right” ways to do it are as varied as the people doing it. Time, experience, attention to yourself and your partner at the things that will get you to the place you want to be. There are no shortcuts and mistakes happen, no matter how long you’ve been around.
But hopefully this will give you a peek into at least one way to think about scenes and how they might progress.
As always, mileage will vary.
Rev
Monday, December 5, 2016
A little something about littles
By Amberlynn Peckham
November 2016
Since I was asked to give info about little girl / Daddy Doms relationships, or little boy / Mommy Domme relationships, I thought, “Hey I can give it a shot; I have a bit of experience.”
So first thing: a little is a adult who has characteristics of a child this can range in age and severity (some people have more little characteristics then others). For me it’s a very natural thing, and not something I was trained to do.
There is another thing I will not be getting into really it’s called adult diaper-wearers. That’s not really anything to do with littles, even though some littles are younger than others; diaper wearers are more a fetish or considered age play. Something completely different than “littles”.
Littles are in nature curious individuals (this does not mean in any way that they are sexual individuals; some are not). Littles are also very mischievous. For example, let me think. I have tied daddy up when he was asleep because he wouldn’t give me attention, drawn on daddy with a sharpie when he was asleep, turned his shoe into a flower pot, replaced the shampoo in the bottle with toothpaste you get the picture. We do this not necessarily to be cute but as a form of communication.
Communication is very different with littles; we are all very unique and different. Some may be super sweet and nice, some may be bratty and like to play games, but we do have things in common. We can be super needy, we usually act on impulse instead of thinking things through. We can be more emotional than most people, more sensitive, and we can be just annoying at times.
Some other things that are not true about littles. is that many people believe is that littles don’t work and are looking for someone to take care of them. This is not true at all littles in a relationship are not are usually very productive members of society.
Things that littles look for in a relationship usually are
1. Safety -Make us feel safe well like a parent makes a child feel safe.
2. Attention -Pay attention to us for several reasons. Because we are needy, and we can have problems with communication skills
3. Patience, patience and yet even more patience. If you don’t have patience, then yeah we will drive you nuts and probably giggle while we are doing it thinking it’s a game.
Being a little really has nothing to do with sex. Just because someone is a little does not mean they are interested in sex; it also means that they might not be into other forms of BDSM.
Added personal note:
Yeah, I love my coloring books, love feeding the ducks at the park, playing on the swings, and lots of games. Most littles do this and don’t even know it’s a thing; it’s literally just what they like. Maybe years later, they may discover themselves as a little.
Amberlynn
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
Munches
A Beginner's Guide to BDSM Munches
(Version 1.4, written 8/14/03)
Copyright 2003 by Jay Wiseman, JD
Author of "SM 101: A Realistic Introduction" and "Jay Wireman's Erotic Bondage Handbook" -- and other books published by Greenery Press.
Please contact the author at jaywiseman@yahoo.com or via his publisher for reprinting and reposting requests.
Hello and welcome to the munch! Perhaps this is your first munch. Perhaps this is your first BDSM event of any kind. Congratulations for contacting what many of us call the BDSM community (or, more simply, "the scene"). You are on the threshold of meeting many new people, having many new experiences, and both learning and growing a great deal. By the way, "BDSM" is a general, overall term for what we do. The term is pronounced just like its letters - B D S M - and represents a compression of the phrases "bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism."
1. What is a BDSM munch? In broad outline, a BDSM munch is an informal gathering of people with an interest in BDSM so that they can eat and socialize. Please note that munches tend to be social events, not educational events. If you'd like to learn more about BDSM, please see the end of this document. Most munches are held in restaurants, often in a special room or area of the restaurant. Munches tend to be informal affairs with relatively little structure or protocol. (If there is something special about a particular munch's structure or protocol, and you haven't already been informed of what it is, don't worry too much. You'll likely be told what you need to know about that before the gathering gets well underway.) Most munches are publicized primarily online, and the Internet figures prominently in their history and development.
2. How did munches get started? Munches were started in the early 1990s by people who had an interest in BDSM and who were also online. (The Internet had not yet gone really mainstream.) These people began meeting at local restaurants. On the west coast, the original gatherings were held in Palo Alto, California, and called "burger munches." After a while, particularly as the Internet grew in popularity, the idea caught on and similar gatherings began to be organized in other cities. Today, these "munches" as they are now called, are held in dozens of cities across the country and also in some foreign countries. Their number continues to grow. (Munches continue in Palo Alto to this day.)
3. What kinds of people attend BDSM munches? People who attend munches can vary widely, however as a group they tend to be highly intelligent, highly imaginative, and highly individualistic. Essentially all attendees have a personal interest in BDSM. Most munches have a designated host or hosts who are informally - but firmly, if need be - in overall charge of the event. Some munches are especially intended for certain types of people such as people of a certain age range or people with an interest in a particular aspect of BDSM play, and these are usually specifically advertised as such. While munches are definitely open to people of all sexual orientations, most have something of a mixed-gender, heterosexual/bisexual tone to them. People who cross-dress and transgendered people also sometimes attend. (If you have an interest in one-gender events, the munch hosts will likely be able to make a referral.) Munches are almost always "for adults only" and persons under 18 should not be brought unless the ground rules of the munch specifically state that they are welcome.
4. What should I wear? Most munches do not have a specific dress code so, in general, "reasonably presentable" clothing appropriate to the season will be fine. "A bit of black" will usually go over well. Dressing up in "high fetish" clothing is not necessary and may be inappropriate for the event unless you have been told otherwise beforehand. On the other hand, showing up in highly informal clothing may not make the best first impression either. Don't be too surprised if you see people wearing items of black leather clothing or footwear, and please try to not look too shocked if you see someone happily eating and chatting away while wearing a collar of leather or steel locked around their neck.
5. Confidentiality. There is a strong rule in this community, sometimes spoken and sometimes not but always there, that the privacy of event attendees is protected. Please remember that people are here to interact regarding a highly personal aspect of themselves, so once you leave keep your mouth shut about the identities of who you saw there, what they said and did, and so forth. For example, if you saw a co-worker at a munch, keep quiet about that when you return to work. (Although you may find that you and the co-worker will want to arrange a private lunch or after-work coffee date, or at least trade the occasional knowing smile.) Violating the confidentiality rule can get you shunned and banned. Be advised that some people use "scene names" instead of their legal name, so please don't feel too surprised to learn that someone calls themselves "Master Tom," "Slave Pat," or "Cruella." By the way, titles are often omitted in direct personal conversation, so you are not expected to address him as " Master Tom" unless he is _your_ master. (And until you've _both_ agreed that he's your master, he isn't.)
6. Special Terminology. BDSM people often use scene-related jargon to let others know what activities they enjoy. For example, if a woman were to refer to herself as a "bi poly switch" this would indicate that she was, to a greater or lesser degree 1) bisexual, 2) poly amorous (basically, someone who has intimate relationships, which can include sex, with more than one person) and 3) enjoyed at least some aspects of both the dominant and the submissive roles. People who prefer the "dominant" role may refer to themselves as dominants, masters, daddies, or tops. People who prefer the "submissive" role may refer to themselves as submissives, slaves, or bottoms. (I put "dominant" and "submissive" in quotes because the scope of these terms is subject to lots of debate within our community.) By the way, don't be surprised if you're asked if you're a top or a bottom, or something similar. If you're not sure yet, it's fine to reply that you're still exploring that question. Consider asking what those terms mean to them.
7. Behavior Tips. Because protecting the privacy of attendees is so important, it can be discourteous to ask someone direct, specific questions about what they do for a living, what company they work for, details about where they live, if they're in a committed relationship, and so forth. It's fine if they volunteer such information (some people are very "out" and forthright, a few almost too much so [grin]), but don't probe. If someone asks you a direct question that you don't feel comfortable answering, a simple reply of "I'd rather not say just now" is entirely appropriate. (They shouldn't ask again, at least at that event.) It's generally fine to have some beer or wine with your food if you wish, but make sure you don't drink alcohol to the point where your behavior becomes a problem. By the way, given that non-BDSM people, including children, are probably also at the restaurant and may be able to see into the room where the munch is being held, explicit BDSM behavior is generally frowned upon.
8. Dealing with the restaurant staff. Be exceptionally courteous and friendly to the staff. Violating this rule can make a seriously bad impression on the munch hosts. When it comes time to pay, be sure to pay your full share plus a generous tip. You can score a few extra points as a team player if you bring along some one-dollar and five-dollar bills to help the other attendees make change.
9. The etiquette of touching and personal space. The BDSM community is a bit "touchy" about when, where, and why it's OK for one person to touch another. While ordinary social handshakes are usually fine (some "old school" men observe the etiquette rule that a gentleman never offers his hand to a lady but rather waits for her to offer hers, if she chooses to) more intimate touching such as hugging and so forth is reserved for people who already know each other well. (Because a lot of the people attending already know each other well, you may see a lot of hugging.) A good general rule is to not touch another person's body, clothing, or BDSM equipment without first obtaining their specific permission - and don't be too aggressive about asking for that permission. It's especially wise for men to be cautious regarding touching women that they don't already know very well. Whatever you do, don't touch another person in a "dominant" manner unless you're very certain that you have permission. (If the person is wearing a collar, there's a good chance that they are in an ongoing dominant/submissive relationship and that the person they are collared to is also at the event, so it's wise to get explicit and specific permission from that person beforehand as well.)
Also, if another person touches you in a dominant manner without your permission, it is entirely appropriate to let them clearly know that you didn't appreciate that, and also to notify the munch hosts about this. This is true even if this is your first event and the other person seems to be well-known and prominent. If they are making you feel uncomfortable with their behavior, there is a very good chance that they are also making other attendees uncomfortable as well and the hosts need to know about that.
Make sure that you keep a respectful distance from the other attendees. Men need to be especially mindful on this point. Sitting too close to a woman whom you don't know well, "friendly" hugs or other touching, and looming over a woman in a "dominant" manner can quickly get you a bad reputation that is hard to shake. (Women in the community tend to be somewhat close-knit. Offend one of them with boorish behavior and many other women will quickly learn about it.)
10. Munches are not highly screened. Munches are often publicly advertised and are generally open to all attendees who can observe a few basic rules of social conduct. What this means is that very little can be certain about a person's level of knowledge, experience, or trustworthiness from the mere fact that they are at a munch. While most attendees are fine in this regard, every now and then someone attends that you most definitely do not want to find yourself alone with - particularly if you're tied up! An excellent way to deal with this is simply to give things time. There is certainly no need to go back to somebody's house and engage in BDSM play with them on the same day that you meet them. Doing so can be especially risky. Remember this saying because it's very important: Time is your best friend. Take your time, give it time, and let time do its work on your behalf. With enough time - and often a surprisingly short amount of it - the right thing to do usually becomes clear. Never let anybody rush you.
11. Exchanging personal information. Because preserving the privacy of attendees is so important, if you'd like to have further contact with someone after a munch a good general rule is to offer your telephone number or email address to them instead of asking them to give you that information about themselves. (Ladies, this means that if you meet a man that you'd like to see again and he gives you such information about himself, you'll have to make the next move and contact him.) Some people have special email addresses created to handle scene-related emails. (YourRealName@YourWorkplace.com might not be the best email address to give to someone until you get to know them really well.) Some people create special business-type cards that contain contact information that they're willing to have fairly widely available, such as their scene name and their special email address. You can either have these printed in quantity or use your word processor to print them out in small batches. (Your local office supply store will have "business card" paper.)
12. Reputations, references, warnings, and politics. If you meet someone and you're thinking about engaging in BDSM play with them, perhaps particularly if you're thinking about taking the submissive or bottom role when you play, you might want to ask around a bit to see how this person is generally regarded. Because genuinely dangerous predators are usually spotted and driven from the mainstream community fairly quickly, if someone is well-known and generally well thought of, the probability that they are genuinely dangerous is fairly low (but not non-existent). The BDSM community is somewhat known for attracting people with strong personalities and strong opinions. (Some of the people with the strongest personalities and opinions usually take the submissive role during BDSM play.) Therefore, a certain amount of social/political feuding is something of the norm. This is usually very low-key at a munch, but there may be good reasons why two people are sitting on opposite sides of the room from each other. How this pertains to you is that if someone comes up to you and gives you an unsolicited warning bout another person, you might want to keep in mind that your "helpful friend" may have an agenda regarding that other person that they are not being candid about. Once again, time is your best friend.
13. Getting together after the munch. Munches are social affairs, and it is not at all uncommon for people who meet at a munch to wish to get together later on. This can be for further socializing, for a private meal, or even for the purpose of a BDSM play date. This can be, and usually is, just fine. However, remember that munch attendees are not highly screened so take your time in getting to know this person (that "time" thing again) before meeting them for a BDSM play date, particularly in private. Note: a standard safety precaution, especially recommended when doing BDSM play with someone new in private, is to tell a trusted person where you'll be, who you'll be with, and when you'll be back in touch, and then before you play to politely let your potential partner know that you've done so. This is known as a "silent alarm" or "safe call" and you should be taught the details of how to set one up very early in your BDSM education. Reputable players should have little problem with this and may even take the initiative in telling you that you should set one up. (Don't be surprised, or offended, if they do so as well. Such a device is a standard safety precaution.)
14. Special symbols. Sometimes people wear their keys on their left hip to show that hey prefer the top or dominant role or wear their keys on their right hip to show that they prefer the bottom or submissive role. If you see someone wearing a collar of metal, leather, or some other material, there is a pretty good chance that they are the submissive or slave in an ongoing BDSM relationship. Sometimes people wear colored handkerchiefs in their left or right hip pockets to indicate an interest in a particular activity. For example, a gray handkerchief often indicates an interest in bondage. In general, wearing the handkerchief in the left hip pocket indicates an interest in being the dominant or active partner during the activity and in the right hip pocket often indicates an interest in being the submissive or passive partner. Note: sometimes a handkerchief is just a handkerchief. If you're not sure, it's fine to ask someone if their handkerchief has some sort of special significance.
15. Cruising and Aggressive Cruising. Munches are social events, and one of the main reasons people attend munches is to meet new people. Their goal regarding meeting new people can range from socializing together, attending events together, playing together, some of the above, all of the above, and even more. Indeed, it is not particularly unusual for people to meet at a munch and eventually end up in a long-term, committed relationship. "Cruising" is a term describing the behavior of people who are making special efforts to meet new people. "Aggressive cruising" is a term for people who come on so strongly, especially to new attendees, that the other person becomes uncomfortable. You don't want to get a reputation for doing this. There is no sharp distinction between cruising and aggressive cruising, but there is an old joke about how anybody (particularly somebody that you don't like) who gets the phone number or email address of a person that you're attracted to before you get that information is guilty of aggressive cruising.
16. "Swarming" and "Chopped Liver." "Swarming" is a condition in which a newcomer gets a lot of "welcoming" attention. It happens with some frequency to women who attend by themselves. In such a situation, the woman may be approached by numerous men, and even some women or couples, for conversation and may leave the event with a large handful of phone numbers and email addresses in their possession. If you're a woman and are concerned about this, you might want to attend your first munch with a companion.
"Chopped liver," on the other hand, is a condition in which someone attends a munch and receives very little attention. Sadly, this often happens to single men who are not yet well known. Fortunately, if such men continue to attend munches and other events, they should make friends before too long. There is always room in the BDSM community for another ethical, friendly single man.
17. Introductions and announcements. Many munches have a special time period, usually shortly after the starting time, where people are asked in turn to say something about themselves to the group. This is usually a short statement about their name and their general interests. For example, I might stand up and say, "My name is Jay, I'm a switch, and I really enjoy rope bondage." Someone else might say, "My name is Patricia, I'm a dominant, and I'm really into giving spankings." A third person might say, "My name is Kelly. I'm a submissive and a pain slut, and I'm a slave to Master John." You get the idea. When your turn comes, if you're not sure what to say, simply state either your first name or the name that you'd like to be called by, and that you're a novice. If you're attending your first munch, it's fine to mention that as well. There may also be a period where people announce various BDSM-related events, workshops, and so forth.
18. Arrive on Time. Munches tend to operate on something of a timetable. For example, food is often mostly ordered by a certain time, announcements are given at a particular time, and so forth. Therefore, arriving "fashionably late" may not work out well at all. Arriving no later than about 15 minutes after the official starting time usually works better.
19. Don't make up your mind too quickly about a particular munch. If you attended a munch, had a good time, and plan to return, that's great. If you attended and didn't have such a good time, and are not sure about returning, please don't feel too discouraged. Consider coming back at least another time or two before writing off a particular munch forever. Given their highly variable nature, you can have a very good experience at a munch that you previously didn't have all that good an experience at. However, if you've attended three times and not enjoyed yourself or connected with the people to any significant degree, it may be time to seek another munch or other activity.
20. Where to learn more about BDSM. Munches are not educational events, however there is almost an embarrassment of riches available to people wanting to learn more about BDSM. Literature regarding some of these resources may be on hand at the munch. Available resources include websites, books and videos (ahem), classes, workshops, parties, socials, and private lessons. Excellent resources exist in every major city, and also in quite a few smaller-sized cities. Some cities have events especially intended for BDSM newcomers, so you might want to be especially alert for information about those events. To get you started, I will refer you to two excellent "gateway resources" - one on the east coast and one on the west coast. (These are called "gateway resources" because they will quickly lead you to numerous other equally excellent resources, all over the country, including resources near you.) On the east coast, check out the website of TES in New York City. On the west coast, check out the website of the Society of Janus in San Francisco. By the time you've spent half an hour on each website exploring its content and links, you should have a good overall idea of what educational resources are available to you.
My best wishes to you in your explorations. Please remember that time is your best friend. See you at the munch!
Note # 1: This document is always a work in progress. Feedback is welcome and may be sent to jaywiseman@yahoo.com..
Note # 2: This document may be freely posted on websites that do not require payment to access. Please contact me regarding reprinting or reposting in other venues.
Note # 3: I'm the author of several books pertaining to health, relationships, and sexuality, especially BDSM. My best known book is "SM 101: A Realistic Introduction." I've also produced a how-to video regarding basic rope bondage. My books and videos are fairly widely available.
Friday, November 25, 2016
Beginning Bondage
What you need to know before you begin bondage...
Author unknown
Safety First
Like any other sport or hobby, bondage is best practiced with an awareness of safety. If the game is played right, every participant wins!
In all sports, there is the possibility of accidents, so here are some recommended "don'ts" for bondage.
· Don't play when you're not alert.
· Don't play when tired or under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
· Don't try things you aren't sure about.
· The front of the neck should never receive pressure of any kind .
· Don't leave a bondaged person alone.
The Two Ways limbs "fall asleep"
· Circulation
Poorly done bondage, particularly at the wrists or ankles, will inhibit circulation. The submissive will feel numbness or slight tingling. Sometimes it will feel uncomfortable, sometimes not. Temporary inhibition of circulation is not a problem unless the submissive is feeling pain. Ask the submissive whether they want the bondage adjusted or removed. Their decision is law.
· Nerve endings
If bondage is pinching nerve paths, the submissive will feel shooting pains or focused pain. Never interfere with nerve paths. If the submissive believes the bondage is blocking a nerve path, remove the bondage immediately.
Binding the wrists behind the back pulls breathing muscles taut. For submissive’s lacking flexibility, the reduced supply of oxygen can cause headaches or fainting. Be alert to the submissive's physical limitations and reactions.
Time Limits
Healthy participants can enjoy a position for about an hour. If you're not in prime health, try about 20 minutes to a half hour for any given position. If you're trying something new, limit the first exposure to 15 minutes.
To prolong your bondage sessions, vary hand placement, for example, start with hands behind the back, then after a half hour, switch to a hands front position, etc.
Safewords
A “Safeword”is a word, sound or action that is used to communicate during a scene. If you are not playing "roles" during a scene, you can just tell each other when you want something, but if you're gagged or "in role," communication can be more difficult.
Common Safewords are "red," "mercy," the word" safeword," or humming a specific tune. Safeword actions can be things like snapping your fingers, raising your foot, or dropping car keys from your hand.
Quick Release
You will need safety scissors when doing bondage. Designed for removing bandages, the scissors have a flat outer side to protect skin when cutting binds. These are perfect for completing saran wrap scenes.
If you use thick bondage equipment such as leather or fat ropes, keep industrial scissors or EMT scissors on hand too.
Extended Bondage
Many people have seen pictures or films of bondage and read about bondage and even experienced bondage. But have you ever been restrained or thought about being restrained for a very long time for hours perhaps?
There are few things to consider:
· Position
You can't hold a strenuous position hour after hour no matter what it looked like in some BDSM porn video. You've got to make sure that the position is one that you can hold for a long time without pulling a muscle or ligament or worse. So 24 hours in suspension is a myth. You just can't do that without ending up with dislocated shoulders or much, much worse.
· Safety
Even though you may intend for this bondage to go on all day or all night, you've got to be prepared to get the
submissive out of this bondage in an instant if something goes wrong.
(For example imagine your submissive having a seizure while in bondage and imagine for a moment how fast you'll want them released). It should go without saying that you don't leave someone in bondage unattended
but in case this hasn't occurred to you, DON'T LEAVE SOMEONE IN BONDAGE UNATTENDED!
· Restraint
What are you going to use? Cuffs? Ropes? Harness? You've got to think long term here. What will avoid chafing or
injury to the sensitive tissues? If you're experienced with rope, you might be able to use it for this kind of bondage
if not, think padded cuffs such as medical Posey Restraints with sheepskin padding. This is what hospitals use to restrain patients long term.
· Circulation
In short bondage scenes, circulation is still important but not nearly as critical as it is in a long duration scene. You've got to make sure that circulation isn't cutoff. If you cut off circulation to a limb for several hours, the limb will first get nerve damage and then ultimately gangrene can set in and you may be looking at an amputated limb. You have to make sure that circulation is something you keep constant attention on!
· The bathroom
In a 2 hour scene where you're going to do 5 or 10 different things, this is no big deal. But,if you're talking hours
how will you deal with her (or him) having to get to the toilet? Not figuring this out in advance makes for a messy scene possibly on the very bed you'd been thinking about sleeping on. Long duration bondage can be a huge turn on and is a potentially exciting aspect of play. The mind plays games with itself when it's got no other stimulus, so this can result in an intense session for both dominant and submissive even though there might not be as many
"intense" moments per hour as there are in other scenes. The mind effect is cumulative, but you've got to think ahead if you're the dominant and plan out what will happen so you can ensure everyone's safety.
How to Establish a Safety Word for Bondage
· Establish a red, yellow and green system. Like a traffic signal saying red means stop immediately, yellow means to pause to check in with each other and green means you're okay and it's safe to proceed. Use these words in whatever way works for you and your partner, as long as you both know what action each word should provoke.
· Come out of character during role play and use your partner's real name. Instead of saying "Mistress" or calling your partner "Doctor Dominant," for example, you simply say his or her real name and they will know to stop and untie you immediately.
· Establish a visual signal when verbal words aren't possible. If you are gagging your submissive or otherwise obstructing the ability to speak, have him or her hold something during bondage and
drop it if they need to stop the scene.
· Make up a word or phrase that only you and your partner know. Use it for a safety word and agree to stop the scene immediately if your submissive utters it. Then check with him or her to find out what went wrong and if they want to continue the scene or end it for the night.
· Use a weird word or one that you most likely would not use during sex. A word like "aardvark" or the name of your town is not something you normally yell at the peak of ecstasy. Choose something you don't say everyday and make its meaning during bondage clear.
Tips &Warnings
· When one is thinking of binding a partner, you need to be very aware of the position you want to put your partner into. Standing, kneeling, suspended and complex bondage becomes very uncomfortable, causing the person to fatigue very quickly. If you are thinking of doing any of these, watch the time, as 15-20 minutes is the maximum a person’s body can tolerate in an uncomfortable position.
· Bearing in mind that when any part of the body is overhead (i.e. arms spread eagled above the head, legs raised higher than rest of the body)the limbs lose feeling very quickly, due to lack of blood circulation. Ask your partner constantly whether that tingly feeling has started. Once it starts, you need to move them into another position.
· Also keep in mind that body temperatures drop drastically, when one is immobile. Please pay special attention to keeping your bound partner warm.
· Bear in mind that any material made out of a synthetic fiber (i.e. silk scarves, nylon stockings and the like) are very dangerous to use in bondage. The first reason being that they pull tight, making it almost impossible to release the bondage in a hurry. You generally have to cut it lose. Secondly, when pulled tight, the bondage starts to pinch the skin, cutting of circulation. The best bondage materials to use are leather (i.e. belts, cuffs) and cotton rope.
· Please don’t buy the gimmicky handcuffs found in most adult shops. They do not have a “double lock”, which means that they tend to get tighter and tighter through movement. The best kinds of handcuffs to buy are the real police handcuffs, which have a double locking system. These can be found almost anywhere.
· Do not leave a restrained person alone for any reason.
· If you use a gag on the submissive your responsibility for observing increases. Remember, that the risk also always increases with a gag and make sure your submissive can breathe properly through their nose.
· Another general rule is that you should be able to free abound person within one minute of an emergency occurs, even if they have fainted. Wise BDSM players keep special "paramedic scissors" or similar items handy to help with this.
· During bondage scenes it is the duty of the dominant to take care of the submissive. It’s your responsibility to watch for any breathing problems or signs of circulation problems. Watch not only for lack of breathing but hyperventilation.
· Practice tying and untying the knots you are going to use and never use rope of a smaller diameter than 0.5cm or thicker than 0.7cm on the body.
· Never obstruct the throat with a rope by crossing a rope across the front of the neck. Figure out how to make the rope cross on the backside of the neck. Never tie a rope around the neck.
· Take care in the amount of strain on joints (wrists, knees, back, neck, elbows, shoulders, etc.)
· There is never any need to tie some part of your partner's body so tightly that it "goes to sleep."
Watch out for constriction of nerves and blood vessels. Watch for signs of tingling, numbness, abnormal color, or coldness in extremities. If any of these symptoms occur, loosen the bondage immediately.
· Check the ropes as you are tying for tightness. Always leave it loose enough to get one finger between the rope and the submissive’s skin. Check ropes often to insure they don’t tighten because of body swelling or twisting.
· Communicate with the bound submissive from time to time to ensure he/ she is okay. Use a safe signal to allow him/ her to alert you of a problem.
· With more coils of rope used around the body or extremities there is less chance of cutting off circulation because there is more surface area used.
· Avoid relying solely on safe words for communication. A safety word is no substitute for responsible BDSM play. Knowing your partner and his or her facial expressions, physical limitations and tolerances for pain and being bound is more effective than any safe word. Pay attention to each other and combine caring with safety words to ensure a safe and fulfilling time together.
· Bondage creates dangerous vulnerability. It is recommended that you let someone tie you up, blindfold you, or gag you only after you have first done at least two successful BDSM scenes with them that involved no bondage.
This is how you clean me...
There is always the possibility that bodily fluids will be transferred onto your ropes. Your ropes therefore should be thoroughly disinfected after each and every “play” session to avoid the transfer of AIDS and Hepatitis. You should also try and avoid using your rope on more than one person at a time.
The best way to clean your rope is to place them in a pillow slip, tie an elastic band around the entrance of the pillow slip so that your rope can’t fall out. Place this pillow slip in your washing machine (along with the necessary washing detergent), and machine wash at 30 degrees Celsius. To make your ropes softer for the skin, add a little
fabric softener to the wash load. Once the wash cycle is complete, hang your rope indirect sunlight to air dry.
Have fun! Play safe
Monday, August 8, 2016
Cupping Therapy Basics
April 27, 2013
The ancient art of cupping therapy uses the creation of a vacuum, or suction, to facilitate healing in the body. The suction is believed to draw blood to the tissues and muscles needing treatment, facilitating health and restoring energy.
This therapeutic technique can be traced back to ancient Egyptian, Middle Eastern, and Chinese cultures and is still popular today in Eastern medicine. Not surprisingly, cupping is looked upon with skepticism by conventional Western medicine but cupping practitioners are available and can be found via the Internet.
The Cupping Procedure
There are two types of stationary cupping therapy, dry cupping and wet cupping. In both forms, something flammable such as an alcohol drenched cotton ball or paper, is put into the cup (glass, silicone, plastic, or bamboo) and lit. When the fire goes out, the mouth of the cup is placed on the skin. As the cup cools, the vacuum forms. Some practitioners forgo the use of fire and use a pump to create the vacuum.
During dry cupping, the cups are left in place for five to fifteen minutes. Wet cupping is a bit more dramatic. The cup(s) is left on the skin for about three minutes and then a small incision is made. Another cupping, placed over the incision, draws toxins out of the body.
The British Cupping Society recommends cupping for a variety of illnesses, including:
anxiety and depression
migraines
high blood pressure
acne, eczema
arthritis, fibromyalgia
chest congestion owned to allergies
Massage Therapy Cupping
Massage therapists use cupping to induce relaxation and reduce physical and emotional stress. Instead of leaving the cups stationary, massage therapists move the cups across the skin. To facilitate this movement, oil is applied to the mouth of the cup.
As the cups travel over the body, tension and knots in the muscles relax and loosen. Cups may be left stationary over stubborn areas to soften them. Massage cupping is not only soothing, but is believed to draw inflammation and toxins out of the body’s tissues.
source: Cupping Therapy
source: An Introduction to Cupping for Massage Therapists
Fire cupping
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8ntyHPvRnw
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
SOMETHING NOBODY WANTS TO TALK ABOUT
As a Dom/me your purpose is to lead. My favorite part of being a Domme is that you are there to help guide your sub and help them grow. It doesn’t mean that you want to changed them, you just want to bring out the best in them. You take cues from them as to what their needs are.
As a Dom/me, you feed on the need to be needed, so you keep a sub under you, in more ways than one. They do as you say, they follow you without question and trust your judgment. That is how it should be.
My first point I want to discuss is dependence. Does your sub end up depending on your guidance for everything? It feels great to have them need you for everything, to ask permission for different things. It is great to see them flourish and thrive under you. But what happens if for some reason the relationship fails? Will they be able to continue on without you? What happens if you end up with a serious illness, where your sub ends up being the one taking care of you? Is your sub ready to take charge when needed? What happens if you happen to pass away? Will your sub survive being without your guidance, and constant direction? Without your protection and care? This is more important when you are the one supporting the sub, and said sub doesn’t work outside the home. Will they have the skills necessary to take charge of the finances? Of their life?
It is a good idea to ponder all this and make plans. I met a Dom some time back, his sub was totally dependent on him for everything. He made sure his sub was protected. He married his sub, and prepared some legal documents. Those documents specified a person who would be designated as the sub’s caretaker in case of the Dom’s death. The life insurance would cover the finances, and the backup person would cover the rest. Not everyone can do all this, but it is good to think about it and be prepared. Make sure when you train your sub, you balance the control, so you don’t do them a dis-service by making them totally dependent on you.
And now for the other side of the coin. (kind of) When a sub has issues with standing on their own, and you train them accordingly; are you prepared for the sub to “outgrow “ you? It hurts to see that they don’t need you like they used to. People change, and when you help a sub grow and be strong, and they do, you’ve done a good job. But what now? You just lost your sub? No, you gained a person whom you love deeply, and have an incredible connection with. People change and grow; that is a wonderful thing. When a sub blossoms into themselves and stands beautifully, appreciate the beauty instead of dwelling on what you lost. Life is not about us, but about what we can do for others. You still have the sub’s love and devotion, but you should be able to adjust to life changes. We are all work in progress, and life is full of evolution and change.
Life brings us so many changes and surprises, we all must be able to adjust accordingly. The love, respect, trust and devotion to one another should never change.
~Sam
Friday, June 24, 2016
Rape Fantasy: How to Carry it Out Safely
TRIGGER WARNING. IF YOU HAVE ISSUES WITH ABUSE, RAPE OR VIOLENCE, PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE, SCROLL TO THE NEXT POST. THIS ARTICLE TALKS ABOUT CONSENT/NON-CONSENT AND ABOUT FANTASY RAPE SCENES.
Posted on June 12, 2014by Slut Lessons
Disclaimer: Though males and females can have these kinds of fantasies, the proclivity for women to have a masochistic streak in them (along with current societal constructs regarding rapes in general) means that the overwhelming majority of those who experience such fantasies are women. This article will be written from the perspective of a female as the “victim” and a male (or males) as the aggressors. It is appropriate, of course, to substitute any gender at any place in this discussion.
What do we mean by “rape fantasy?”
First and foremost, you need to understand that a rape fantasy is almost invariably more about forced sex and not a desire to actually BE raped by someone. Very few people have the desire to be put through the physical and emotional trauma of a real rape. This is the primary reason I personally usually refer to this as “forced sex fantasy,” rather than rape fantasy; it just gives the wrong impression to some people. Regardless, this is a common fantasy, with some studies suggesting that more than half of all women have some sort of these kinds of fantasies.
The basic idea behind a rape fantasy is that a person has a strong desire to be taken sexually by force. This typically includes a desire to be surprised or caught off guard, physically “captured” and restrained, roughly and aggressively physically attacked to one degree or another, and forced into allowing sexual penetration of the mouth, vagina, and/or anus.
Why do women have rape fantasies?
Rape fantasies are rather common, believe it or not. I’ve seen several sources use different figures, but the general consensus is that significantly more than half of all women have rape fantasies from time to time, and that’s just those willing to admit to it. There are a variety of reasons women have these. But since I am not a psychologist (and didn’t stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night), rather than me rehashing what others have said, I’ll just point you to a few articles written by those with experience in such matters. So read through THIS, THIS, and THIS. THIS, too.
So now that we’ve established that these are perfectly normative fantasies, you have to decide how to go about carrying one out safely and sanely. It’s important you lay out and play by a set of ground rules, for two reasons. First, you don’t want to injure your partner physically or emotionally (beyond what you mutually agree upon), and second, there are significant legal and life-changing consequences if your actions go beyond what you’ve agreed upon and escalate to the point of a true rape.
How Do We Go About Carrying Out a Rape Fantasy Scenario?
There are a variety of things to consider when you begin discussing how to carry out a rape fantasy. First and foremost in your mind should be communication with your partner. I’ll explain below how to bring this up with a partner, but assuming you have and wish to move to putting it into action, you need to work out some details. You therefore need to have a good line of emotional and communicative connectivity to your partner.
The first issue you’ll need to discuss is what I call scope of play. Decide what is off limits and what is not off limits. You’ll want to talk about safe words or safe actions that can be used to stop play (by either partner), as well as any safe sex practices you want to incorporate. Some women will want to be physically abused (e.g., being slapped, beaten, choked out, etc.), whereas others will simply want to be tied up and fucked. Here are some specifics you’ll need to consider:
§ Where will it be okay to play? Her house? Her office? You want to avoid using public spaces to do this kind of thing as a general rule. If someone calls the police, you’re going to have some explaining to do, and it’s going to be quite embarrassing for you. Even if you’re not charged with rape, you could be cited for disturbing the peace, indecent exposure, or any number of other crimes depending upon the jurisdiction. If a home is to be the scene, ensure there aren’t going to be any children around!
§ The times of day that are acceptable? Generally these are done at night, but that doesn’t have to be the case. If you’re going to “case” the victim’s house, you’ll want to be careful in that you don’t raise the suspicion of the neighbors (who might call the police about a prowler, etc.). One exciting element I’ve used is to provide a window within which the attack may occur, say from 8AM on Monday through midnight on Friday. This adds a greater element of surprise into it in that you never know when it’s going to occur.
§ What safe sex practices are going to be used, if any? A typical “real” rape won’t involve condoms or other safe sex practices, so you’ll need to discuss how much reality you’re willing to allow.
§ What other implements will you need? Handcuffs (I’d recommend the velcro kind, so she can escape if you keel over and die. Also, real cuffs can hurt the wrists as they’re pulled apart during a struggle); tape or a gag for the mouth (avoid duct tape – it’ll peel skin off when you try to remove it); a “weapon” of some kind if you want.
§ Safe words. You need a specific word, something other than “no” or “stop” or those kinds of words. The word needs to be easily remembered. You should also consider a visual sign in case the “victim” is gagged or has a cock shoved down her throat and can’t speak. Personally I use the Vulcan hand greeting (the two fingers by two fingers forming into a V), or three quick taps to the leg, butt, or back of whomever’s got his or her cock inside me. Perhaps the most critical thing to understand when you get to the point of carrying out one of these fantasies is that a safe word means a full, complete stop. Period. If the victim uses the safe word/sign and the attacker doesn’t stop, you’ve moved from fantasy into a real rape at that point.
One point to keep in mind is that it is possible to “over construct” a rape fantasy scenario. While “real” rapes are often planned out to an extent, to make the scenario more realistic, the attacker should improvise as he’s carrying out the rape, using whatever tools and implements he will have at his disposal in the environment within which the rape is carried out. For example, rather than carrying something specifically to gag her, use the panties you tear off her, blindfold her with her shirt, etc. It’s important to plan out the basics, but don’t overthink it. That eliminates much of the spontaneity and the “fun” of the whole ordeal.
What’s the Difference Between Rape Fantasy and a Standard BDSM Scenario?
There are quite a few differences, but basically BDSM is more about psychological dominance, whereas rape is mostly about physical dominance (though there can be a psychological component involved if desired). A typical BDSM scene has more of a rhythm and purpose to it than a rape does; a rape is spur of the moment, unplanned, overwhelmingly aggressive in a “mean” way whereas the standard BDSM activities just aren’t structured in that manner. BDSM scenes often involved ritualized rape, but that’s subject for a whole other conversation.
As a Woman, How Do I Tell My Partner I Have a Rape Fantasy?
This is going to be tricky, unless you and your partner are into “rape” or rough sex genres of porn. If that’s the case, it should only be a matter of discussing acting out what you’ve seen in the videos. The fact that you want to act out something you’ve seen in what you’ve been watching should come as no surprise to anyone except perhaps the most naive and clueless of partners.
If it’s not something you’ve discussed or hinted at (i.e., if this is going to come out of the clear blue), you need to be in a relationship configuration where you have a good line of communication with your partner. I would recommend starting out by discussing your desire to be a bit more rough or aggressive in your daily sex life, and then working your way through more and more aggressive scenarios until you’ve gone as far as you can without actually engaging in a rape play. That may take some time, but quite frankly (at least, in my opinion), you need to be well versed in rough sex play before you get into rape play anyway.
As a woman, you do need to be prepared for some pushback if you’re with a newer partner, or a partner who has certain types of philosophies about how men view and treat women. One guy I was seeing for a while couldn’t “go there” with rape play because he was taught to treat women with respect and so forth. Obviously, there’s nothing “wrong” with that, but if rape play is one of those things you crave (and let’s be honest, some of us do crave this kind of sex), then you’re going to find some compatibility problems. Only you can decide how serious those are. Bringing this up to a partner who finds it detestable may result in some damage to your relationship, to include an immediate termination thereof. This is one of those things where you just have to have a good read on the person you’re wanting to play with.
As a Man, How Do I Tell My Partner I Want to “Rape” Her as Fantasy Role Play?
This scenario is even more fraught with the potential to explode. You run the risk of alienating your partner if you just bring this up out of the clear blue. Again, if you have a sexual relationship that involves rough, aggressive sex, or if you watch porn involving that kind of sex or sexual rape fantasy scenarios, then it becomes a bit easier.
One of the main problems with a guy bringing this up is that you may not be aware of any past trauma your partner may have experienced. As many as 1/3 of all women have been raped or sexually assaulted in their lives, and many will never divulge this to their partners (for a variety of reasons). So your “out of the blue” bringing this subject up may open up some old wounds that are best left alone.
Perhaps the best way to guide a partner into this is similar to what I described above for woman – introduce her to some rougher or more aggressive flavors of sex. If she’s receptive to this, gradually increase the intensity (with her permission, of course), and incorporate some restraint(s) and “rapey” type behavior (again, do this very gradually). If she’s willingly engaging in this kind of sex, then you might consider bringing up the subject of a forced sex scenario. I’d avoid using the word “rape” initially, unless you guys have talked about the subject of rape and you know it’s not a trigger for her.
Rape Fantasy Play Involving Strangers/Random Hookups
An alternative to playing with a partner is through the cooperation of a stranger or random hookup. I don’t think I have to expend too much effort explaining all of he potential things that could go wrong here, and I hesitate to even bring it up. But I have seen people ask questions on forums and other social websites regarding how to find someone to “rape” them, so at least a cursory discussion is warranted.
Finding someone to do this will be hard, largely because anyone with any sense realizes that it could be a trap, or that, even if it’s not a trap, the “victim” could later recant and claim that it was an actual rape. I’d recommend using a dating or social site that verifies identities of those who use it if you elect to go this route.
If you and a stranger decide to go through with something like this, arrange a video chat and record it. As a part of this, discuss what you want to happen, the guidelines and limitations, and the fact that you’re both consenting to what’s about to take place. Keep in mind that in some places (especially in countries other than the U.S.), consent to being “raped” doesn’t exist. That means the person doing the attacking can be legally charged with a crime even if the “victim” tells the authorities that it was an arrangement and that she consented to everything that happened.
I highly, highly recommend against using a stranger to carry out this kind of scenario in the absence of some controls or verifications of authenticity of those involved (from both sides).
Possible Scenarios
Once you’ve decided to go through with this sort of thing, and have set the boundaries, you’ll want to discuss a specific scenario in some cases. Perhaps you wish to leave it open ended and allow the “rapist” to attack you whenever and wherever, and that’s fine. These scenarios are provided simply to foment discussion between you and your partner and to give you some ideas for things you might try.
§ Home Attack: This is perhaps the easiest to pull off and the least fraught with potential issues. This simply involved the rapist “breaking in” to the victim’s house and carrying out the attack. Unless you get really wild and noisy, or attract some undue attention while breaking in, you shouldn’t have to worry about causing yourself any problems as a result of neighbors or a random police patrol.
§ Work Attack: This is likely only feasible in a situation where the victim is the owner of a business or owns/works in a facility that doesn’t have security monitoring equipment or other people around. If you work in a typical office setting, it’s a safe bet that there are video cameras around that might capture anything you do, which could land you in trouble from an employment standpoint as well as a legal standpoint.
§ Jogging Attack: This involves authorizing the attack somewhere along a jogging route. Your attacker simply lies in wait for you to come by, then “abducts” you into the woods, rapes you, and leaves you there (be sure and work out how you’re going to get home). Again, this is one of those situations where some undue attention by a passerby might create legal issues for you, so if you elect to use this, do so where you know you’ll have some privacy.
§ Other Abduction Attacks: You can construct any number of possible scenarios using a public abduction. Perhaps a van parked next to the victim’s vehicle in a shop parking lot (park a good ways out so you won’t attract attention – keep in mind possible security cameras). This is a common method for carrying out real rapes, in fact. A rapist will park a van next to a woman’s driver’s side door and when she returns to the vehicle, she’s pulled into the van and driven off. This particular scenario is great for gang rapes.
After Care
If this is this first time you’ve engaged in rape play, it is possible you might need what those in the BDSM community call “after care.” After care is the process of comforting one another and taking care of any emotional or perhaps physical after effects of your sex play. This is especially important if it’s your first time engaging in this sort of activity with a significant other. Connect with each other, comfort one another, make sure both of you are okay, etc. When the adrenaline has worn off a day or two later, you’ll want to talk about how things went, whether or not you want to try it again (or something like it), what you’d want to do differently, etc. Again, communication with your partner is vital. If you’re doing rape play with a stranger or non-SO, you may wish to consider having a close friend in whom you can confide, and who can serve as a check for you afterward to make sure you’re okay.
Summary
Rape fantasies, or forced sex fantasies, can add a wildly fantastic new dimension to your sex life, especially if you’re already a big fan of rough, aggressive sex. If you elect to try this kind of thing, though, it is important to select a partner who’ll work with you and with whom you can communicate effectively to ensure that you don’t get hurt, and that your “rapist” doesn’t suffer any negative emotional issues from having taken you by force. Once you’ve made the decision to do it, it then becomes important to construct a scenario that is safe for both (or all) of you, and that doesn’t involve any potential legal pitfalls. Much of this is common sense, and hopefully this short how-to guide will assist you in exploring this aspect of your sexuality.
The Slut
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