50's lifestyle

Flogging technique

ABOUT DUNGEONS

I have noticed that looking around in Facebook pages and groups, that most people like to be like everyone else.  When going into groups, I see that the subs are mostly women, who have this idea of a knight in shining armor that will come save them from themselves.  They will be the perfect loving couple, and he will make sure she is completely happy and taken care of.  Sorry to burst your bubble, that is not how it works.  Relationships take time to build, I already wrote an article on that, so I will not repeat myself.  BDSM can be experienced in more ways than that one way; it is not a cookie cutter thing.

It is sad then when I see the women who already are married; they look at the lifestyle longingly and suddenly thinking the grass is greener on the other side.  Yes cliché, but it is very common.  Always remember; the grass seems greener there, because it was covered with bullshit. 

When I first started going in the groups, I noticed most women think a romantic relationship is an essential part of BDSM.  In my opinion, a romantic relationship is not necessary.  You can have a romantic relationship completely independently of BDSM, and a BDSM relationship without sex or falling in love.  But then again I am very open to possibilities.  You can experience only the S&M (Sadism and Masochism)  part of BDSM, or only the D/s part.  (Dominant, submissive).  There are so many possibilities, you don’t have to be like everyone else!

I started going to a dungeon near home a few years ago, it had recently opened and I was thrilled.  I read online about it, and sent an e-mail to the owners.  They sent me some paperwork explaining the rules etiquette, and membership.  The first time I was there, I thought I was going to cry.  It was like Disneyland for me!  The place was so welcoming, and the people were amazing, open and down to earth.

I immediately could tell that the people there were so different than the ones on Facebook.  These people were there to have fun.  After a couple of visits, I had some people walk up to me and ask me for a session, which turned out to be so much fun.  As much as most people are nude, things don’t seem obscene, and there is no sex involved.  People walk around half nude or nude, because they feel free, and comfortable in their own skin.  Others don’t stare, or make them uncomfortable as it would be in any other place.  Everyone is respectful and grown up about things, which the way it should be.

I have met some great Dom/mes that I have learned so much from.  Every time I go to a play party I learn something new.  I have met great people and it is a truly enjoyable experience.

If you wonder what you will find there; it seems like a torture chamber, but in a fun way.  They have different BDSM furniture at your disposal.  You could look up BDSM furniture online and find out what it is used for so you can get an idea of what you are looking at when you go. There is certain etiquette to follow.  Each dungeon has their own way of making it work so everyone has fun.  The one I go to has a changing room, which comes in handy.  It also has a sitting room, and a main room, and separate themed rooms you can use.  Most dungeons do not allow alcoholic beverages, the one I go to allows you to bring your own; but if they see you drunk or unsafe you are booted.  Each dungeon has their own dress code.  Please do not show up in flip flops and shorts! 

When I find people online who want to try BDSM, I suggest going to a dungeon.   They can look around, and meet other people.  The person you have sessions with doesn’t have to be your sexual partner, or husband or anything.  It can be a casual pain session, a scene.   (I don’t suggest going there without informing your S.O.)  I also suggest you go a few times and observe first.  That way you can see who is well known, who seems knowledgeable, who is available.   You could also ask the people who run it if you want a session, who is ok to ask.

I think honesty in this case is the best option.  Talking to your S.O., and maybe even taking them along is a good idea, even if it is just to mingle and watch.  I have been to the dungeon with my husband, who doesn’t participate; and also with my slave, who does.  I also have gone with both. 

You can learn a lot, most people there are more than willing to talk and share what they can.  Dungeons often also offer classes and demonstrations.

To find a public dungeon near you, you can either Google it, or better yet, go into Fetlife, and look for events in your area.  When going into Fetlife, be very careful, many predators roam that place.  If strangers message you, just delete, you don’t owe them anything!  I like the anonymity of FB.  In Fetlife, people can figure out where I live and which dungeon I go to.  It would be so easy for some stalked to find you.  Please be safe above all.

Once you locate a public dungeon (I don’t recommend private ones.  You never know who is in running it or what happens in there).  Then look up their rules and etiquette, find out when they have classes, that is the best way to ask questions and meet people.

If you are concerned about people hitting on you, I can say, that doesn’t happen much in those places.  It is not a bar, people usually have manners.  Most dungeons have dungeon Masters who watch out for the guests.  Since most Dom/mes or Master/Mistress know etiquette, they will nor approach a collared sub/slave.  You can wear a collar if you would like to be left alone.  Some dungeons have protection collars available for nervous single people.  You can also talk to the people who run the dungeon, and explain that you are new, and nervous.  They usually will be happy to help guide you in the right direction.

*Note:  Don’t forget that if you are going to play with someone, you both need to sit some place and go over limits and safe words.  The Dom/me should show the sub the toys that will be used as well.  If you ever call your safe-word (loud please) and the Dom/me doesn’t stop, the Dungeon Masters or the other Dom/mes will stop the session and remove the Dom/me.  That is a huge infraction in the BDSM community and should never happen.   This is what makes it an ideal place to have BDSM fun, because you are not alone.

Get out there, look around learn, have fun, but please do not forget common sense.

~Sam

Be Yourself

Be Yourself

I suspect many men are submissive, but are afraid to accept it, because they think it makes them look weak. So they may try to experience some of it on the side, as if it doesn't really count. I think they should be more honest with themselves and others.

It is perfectly fine to be a submissive male; there is nothing to be ashamed of. I know that while I roam Facebook, I do not see male subs at all. I know they are around, because I have spoken to a few, but they don’t like to speak up. I am not speaking of switches in this case, switches are fortunate enough to be more flexible and adaptable.

Apparently the pressures of society for men to be strong, and be the dominant types, are strong enough to force the submissive ones into hiding.

I am not the one to follow the crowd or fit a mold, I am who I want to be. I noticed before I had my own group, that when I commented in BDSM groups, people cringe at the thought of me not being submissive like the other women. Each time I posted something about my sub, nobody would comment, seems they avoided me. Even now, I belong in a group that isn’t mine, there people argue with me, because they see me as cruel and unreasonable. They fail to understand that I don’t have to be whoever THEY expect me to be. I have been accused of emasculating, at least twice, once by a counselor I was going to. I do not see many Dominant women on Facebook, the ones I see seem fake and sometimes can’t even spell Domme. I have seen a few female switches that want to call themselves Dominant, but seem to do it for the title only.

What is going on is not right. We should all feel free to be who we are and be proud of who we are. A submissive is not weak; it takes so much strength, courage and self assurance to be able to trust someone else. It takes a lot of inner strength to let someone else have all control. It takes so much love and incredible trust.

It is big step for a man to confide in a woman (or man) they trust and tell them their deepest fantasies, talk about their dark side, and be honest about it.

I don’t like to read in some posts, that a man who starts out being Dominant in a relationship, and then starts sneaking up. They seem to ask their female sub to switch, just once. But then again and again, until the power exchange in the relationship is so skewed that is unrecognizable. It is sad, because sometimes the submissive is not happy being Dominant. Being a submissive, a Dominant, a switch, a little etc. It has to be in your heart, you cannot “make” a person into what you want them to be. And you should not let others make you into something you didn’t want to be in the first place.

Being something you are not takes a toll on you in the long run. In a D/s relationship, both Dom/me and sub are to grow, blossom, spread their wings and reach their potential. I believe that entering a relationship with the hidden agenda of trying to change the other person, is a bad way to begin. Honesty and integrity should be the basis for a relationship, not illusions and smoke screens. I understand that some people change with time, but I have a hard time believing that someone would be a Dominant at heart, and suddenly become a submissive. I am sure it can happen, but in that case, the person who changed cannot expect their partner to change as well, to fit them. This means changing your personality completely to the other extreme. You cannot strong-arm someone into changing their essence, their soul, their heart. It is unreasonable, and it could suffocate their spirit and crush their soul, even as they try their best to change to make you happy. That breeds resentment and cannot last.

I strongly suggest that you find yourself, come to terms with who you truly are, and ditch the preconceived notions of society. Do not worry about labels and what others think, they do not affect you unless you allow them. People on Facebook, people in society, they are not looking for your best interest, most will just see you as entertainment. The only people I do suggest you keep in mind, is your employer, you should just keep your private life private, away from the work place. Those people CAN affect your life. But be sure that the people you are trying to impress actually matter in your life. You should be trying to be the best you can be, for yourself and your loved ones. Who cares about labels! It is much more important to be honest, with yourself and your loved ones.

Be proud of being who you are, be honest, love yourself the way you are. That is a good start.

~Sam

Posting just for fun..

Posting just for fun..

Breath Play

By Sam Marie


I want to share something I learned. I acknowledge that I was wrong in the way I was doing this. It is fun and can give us an incredible rush. But it is a subject that is seldom talked about in detail, in regards to the technique.

Breath play doesn’t mean you can use a rope, a belt a stocking to choke someone, or just put your hands on their neck and squeeze. We can cause some serious damage to a person if we are not careful.

So, I asked someone knowledgeable on the subject to please explain to me how it is done correctly. He has years of experience in martial arts and in BDSM.

He showed me by demonstrating, and even trying it on me so I can see how it feels. Then I tried it on a volunteer.







The best way to explain one method is by showing a picture of something similar.

Place one arm around the neck, but the other arm won’t look like this, it will be behind the subject’s head in an angle, and gently pushing forward. Squeeze flexing the arm muscles, but keep an eye on your subject, make sure they are still doing ok. It should be a few seconds, you could count to 5 and release.

Later on in play you will be able to tell if you can extend the time in small increments. Be careful, because this is restricting the blood flow to the brain.

The arm that is not around the neck in the picture is the right arm, place it higher across, behind the head, in the same angle seen in the picture. Gently push the person forward with it.

I like to do it for the feeling of it, the power behind it. I am not trying to strangle my sub, I am trying to give him a quick rush, and I like to do it from the front. Looking at the neck, please observe where the arteries are, and where the airway is. You should not squeeze anything on the neck. You can grab the person upwards pressing more under the jaw. That will help give the person the feeling of being restrained by the neck, but in a safe manner.

So place the hand in this manner, but don’t squeeze the neck, push up, and most of the pressure should be along the top edge of your hand against the jaw and not on the neck.






Here is what NOT to do:

Strangulation

“A ligature such as a belt or rope around the neck, or hands or arm pressure on the neck compresses the internal carotid artery. Apart from the direct restriction of blood to the brain there are two other significant responses produced by pressing on the neck:

· Pressing on the carotid arteries also presses on baroreceptors. These bodies then cause vasodilatation (dilation (widening) of the blood vessels) in the brain leading to insufficient blood to perfuse the brain with oxygen and maintain consciousness.

· A message is also sent via the vagus nerve to the main pacemaker of the heart to decrease the rate and volume of the heartbeat, typically by a third.[7] In some cases there is evidence that this may escalate into asystole, a form of cardiac arrest that is difficult to treat.[8] There is a dissenting view on the full extent how and when a person reaches a stage of permanent injury, but it is agreed[by whom?] that pressure on the vagus nerve causes changes to pulse rate and blood pressure and is dangerous in cases ofcarotid sinus hypersensitivity.

This method is responsible for most, but not all, of the reported fatalities.

The method is especially dangerous when practiced alone. Involuntary movements can lead to head trauma and other injuries. If standing, loss of consciousness can result in substantial head trauma through falling. In the event that consciousness is not immediately regained, medical help cannot be sought by a third party, observer, or friend. If the administration of CPR or basic life support is needed due to respiratory or cardiac arrest, help would not be available or quickly summonable when unconscious or not breathing. Also this act could be mistaken for suicide when practiced alone, but accidentally observed by a stranger, to whom the motivation behind the apparent 'strangulation' is not known.






"Self-induced hypocapnia


The second mechanism requires hyperventilation (forced overbreathing) until symptoms of hypocapnia such as tingling, light-headedness or dizziness are felt, followed by a breath-hold. This alone is enough to cause a blackout, but it is widely believed that the effect is enhanced if lung air pressure is increased by holding the breath "hard" or "bearing down" (tightening the diaphragm as in a forced exhalation while allowing no air to escape or having an assistant apply a bear-hug).[9] These latter actions may augment the effects of hypoxia by approximating the Valsalva maneuver, causing vagal stimulation.


The hyperventilation leads to an excessive elimination of carbon dioxide (CO2) whereas no significant additional amounts of oxygen can be stocked in the body. As only carbon dioxide is responsible for the breathing stimulus, after hyperventilation, breath can be held longer until cerebral hypoxia occurs. The blood also becomes abnormally alkaline as a result of the excessive elimination of carbon dioxide; this subsequent rise in blood pH is termed alkalosis. Alkalosis interferes with normal oxygen utilization by the brain. The symptoms of alkalosis are neuromuscular irritability, muscular spasms, tingling and numbness of the extremities and around the mouth, and a dizziness, or giddiness, often interpreted as a sense of euphoria.


In the body alkalosis generally induces vasodilatation (widening of the blood vessels) but in the brain alone it causes vasoconstriction (narrowing of the blood vessels). This vasoconstriction appears to be made even worse by a sudden increase in blood pressure caused by squeezing or holding the breath "hard". The alkalosis-induced euphoria can be followed rapidly by hypoxia-induced unconsciousness. The sequence of events leading to unconsciousness from hyperventilation is as follows[citation needed]:


1. Decrease in partial pressure of alveolar CO2.

2. Decrease in partial pressure of arterial CO2.

3. Increase in blood pH, (respiratory alkalosis).

4. Vasoconstriction of blood vessels supplying brain.

5. Pooling of the blood present in the brain at the time.

6. Brain rapidly uses up oxygen (O2) available in the pooled blood.

7. O2 concentration in the brain drops.

8. Unconsciousness from hypoxia of cerebral tissue.

Because the brain cannot store reserves of oxygen and, unlike other organs, has an exceedingly low tolerance of oxygen deprivation, it is highly vulnerable if vasoconstriction is not reversed. Normally, if the brain is hypoxic, autonomous systems in the body divert blood to the brain at the expense of other organs; because the brain is vasoconstricted this mechanism is not available. Vasoconstriction is only reversed by the build-up of carbon dioxide in the blood through suspension of breathing.

In some versions the bear-hug is replaced by pressure on the neck in which case blackout is a hybrid of strangulation and self-induced hypocapnia." (Wikipedia)

References:

Copied the portions about strangulation and self induced hypocapnia from Wikipedia.

A Happy Deviant

An abnormal psychology paper...

In this paper we will talk about what Abnormal Psychology is and how it works, it will also contain information explaining how some of the theoretical models advanced the study of abnormal psychology.

Abnormal Psychology studies abnormal behavior in people. We see people every day, some of their behaviors are common and others not so much. We as regular people can say a behavior is abnormal, if it is unlike ours, but there is a more precise definition. There are six core concepts in abnormal psychology: context, continuum, relativism, advantages and limitations of the diagnosis, multiple casualty, connection between body and mind. (Hansell, & Damour, 2008, Chap. 1). This all means that when inspecting a behavior we must consider some important points.

Let us look at the fact that the DSM-5 has updated the specifications for paraphilic disorders. It went through a 14 year revision and was printed last year. This portion encompasses many sexual disorders. The criteria for a sexual disorder now ways that

1) “(People with atypical sexual interest) feel personal distress about their interest, not

merely distress resulting from society’s disapproval; or

2) Have a sexual desire or behavior that involves another person’s psychological distress, injury, or death, or a desire for sexual behaviors involving unwilling persons or persons unable to give legal consent”. (American Psychiatric Publishing, 2013)

If a man, Frank, likes to wear women’s underwear and it gives him sexual pleasure to do so, how

do we determine if his behavior is abnormal? Well first we take in account context. What are the circumstances? Do they have a special meaning for him? Do they belong to someone he loves? If he was a woman would this behavior be abnormal? (Hansell, & Damour, 2008 Chap. 1, ).

Next we will look at the continuum between abnormal and normal behavior. When does his behavior become abnormal. People wear underwear, so does the frequency in which he wears women’s panties matter? We all wear underwear, but if we are aroused by wearing it, and talking about to our co-workers, then it has become inappropriate. So going from the scale of normal to abnormal, we can find where this fetish lies by asking Frank a few more questions.

Another point that we must consider is the cultural and historical relativism. Historically, women have been wearing dresses for centuries, and just in the last century, women started wearing men’s clothes: pants. It was unheard of in the 1800s that a woman would to that, and in the 1900s it was acceptable. So do present times allow the style of men wearing women’s underwear? According to Bryan Levandowsky, it is starting to become a trend.

The issue with abnormal Psychology is the reliability and validity of the processes used to diagnose patients. Now in the case of Frank, he might be happy with his fetish and enjoy it just fine at home and wearing panties under his dress suit to work, he is not affecting anyone. If he is diagnosed as having a sexual disorder, the label itself might cause some very real issues. He then may need therapy because now he would be worried about his sanity. The label placed on someone who would in that case be considered mentally ill is a heavy burden for most people. (Hansell, & Damour, 2008, Chap. 1).

The principle of multiple casualty tells us that there may be more than one thing causing this behavior. Meaning that it is possible that Frank was raised in a particular way that made him have a special affection for panties, and then some second reason, that could possibly be that they belong to his girlfriend and therefore smell like her. So there may be more than one cause to his behavior. (Hansell, & Damour, 2008 Chap. 1).

The concept of body and mind tells us that there are other issues that can be considered. Maybe Frank has a hormonal imbalance that makes him feel more feminine than he would if he didn’t have that. Maybe he is taking medication that changes his moods, or makes him feel the inclination towards wearing these type of clothes. (Hansell, & Damour, 2008 Chap. 1).

The concepts covered are the basics of abnormal psychology. These are all considered when diagnosing a mental illness based on a person’s abnormal behavior. The good news is that the DSM-V changed through time. It has been reviewed and evaluated very carefully. So that Frank’s love for women’s panties might now be more acceptable. In the past it is possible that he would have had to hide his love of panties in fear of being diagnosed as having a sexual deviance, and therefore a mental disorder. But now, things have changed, and the DSM-5 says that if Frank is happy with his fetish, and he is not feeling distress about it he is ok. And furthermore, he is not hurting anyone and nobody is being subjected to his fetish against their will. He is not breaking any law and he is happy. So according to the DSM-5, Frank is not mentally ill, and his behavior is not cause for a diagnosis of a sexual deviance. (American Psychiatric Publishing, 2013)

By Sam Marie
January 21, 2014


References

American Psychiatric Publishing (2013) “Paraphilic Disorders”, Obtained from:http://www.dsm5.org/Documents/Paraphilic%20Disorders%20Fact%20Sheet.pdf
Bryan Lewandowsky, (2012) The Underwear Expert, “Trend Report: Lace Underwear for Men?”, Obtained from:
http://www.underwearexpert.com/2012/07/trend-report-lace-underwear-for-men/
Meyer, R., Chapman, L. K., & Weaver, C. M. (2009). Case studies in abnormal behavior.(8th
ed.). Boston, MA: Pearson/Allyn & Bacon

50 Shades of Red

When we talk with people about pain, we usually learn that most people like to avoid it. It seems to be an unpleasant experience for most people. This paper will talk about the people who are wired differently and are actually attracted by experiencing pain. What motivates them to seek this extreme sensation? We will also explore what they seek to gain from the experience emotionally, physically and physiologically.

Motivation is very strong when you are looking for some type of activity that makes us feel good, especially the types that appeal to the Id. According to Freud this is the more basic instincts that functions on seeking pleasure. (Deckers, L (2010)) From this point on, will now refer to this pain experience as BDSM (Bondage, Dominance/Submission, Sadism, Masochism), because this activity encompasses the pain experience that I will speak of. We will explore what the effects of these activities have on the people practicing them. They can vary widely, but we will look into the emotional, physiological and physical and psychological aspects.

The motivations are many. Newsweek magazine had an article on this and they said that many career women work too much. They have so much responsibility and many are in charge of other employees and therefore have more pressure, and stress. When they are done for the day, they like to unwind. But it has been found that they some of them like to go somewhere where they can relinquish all control to another person. So they go find someone who will dominate them for a set amount of time on an agreed set of experiences. We will discuss them in detail later (Roiphe 2012). Other people are motivated by feelings. The physical need for touch has been reported by many professional Dommes (Female dominants). They talk about how many of their clients are so touch starved in their daily lives and sometimes they just want to be touched a lot. Other Dommes report that the clients like to talk about things they can’t talk with their wives about, and they are happy to pay less than it would cost for therapy. Other clients like to be held. But for the most part, they like to feel pain, sometimes humiliation as well (Lindemann 2011). I personally found some information by talking to a group I belong to. This is a group of people who practice these activities in their own homes, and live this lifestyle. While talking with them, I found that being spanked as a child, or having other kind of trauma doesn’t make a difference in their preferences. Out of a group of about 75, I had equal responses as to who was spanked as a child or hit with other objects. Yes and no answers were just about the same. Therefore in this group, being spanked or punished as a child doesn’t seem to have an influence in their love for BDSM behavior in adulthood.

The emotional effects that “sessions” may have for people can be very different for each person. Some Dommes had reported that the clients ask to be punished for something they did. They want atonement, and this makes them feel better once they are done being punished. Punishment is administered in different forms. Sometimes it comes in the form of spankings or with a whip, a flogger, a switch or any of the many other tools available in a dungeon. Others clients report that feeling the pain helps them release much of stress and tension they carry with them, as if a great weight is lifted off of them. Sessions also help the clients discover more about themselves and learn more about their likes and dislikes. Sometimes they find they have certain fetishes. In the outside world they are expected to act a certain way and be a certain way. But in this setting they are allowed to be who they are and their likes, as strange as can be, are mostly accepted and even explored further. For example, an attorney wears a suit to work, and acts as it is expected by society. He would be able to go home and act as a husband and/or father would be expected to act. But on his time off, he may like to have the Domme dress him as a little boy and spank him. This would not be acceptable in the outside world, but in that setting it is perfectly fine. It has been reported that this acceptance of the person as is helps the person grow stronger and more self-accepting. (Lindemann, 2011).

It is easy to understand for people like the one in this example, how he has to be the one in charge all day at work. He has to be strong assertive and quick or lose out and get trampled. When he is home he is expected to be the head of the household (in most common cases) and take care of his family. He needs to be strong and be their rock, which means he spends his life showing no weaknesses for the most part. This can tire someone out, and wouldn’t it be just fine to relinquish control of everything? Leave his life on pause for an hour or two? Live in the moment, literally, feel something so extreme that it makes you feel like you are not even in this world anymore. It would be like taking a mini-vacation from life.

Physical effects are somewhat obvious: Pain in different parts of the body and different temporary marks from the tools used in the session. The Dommes who inflict this pain are trained to know how to inflict pain to the levels desired without causing real or permanent damage to the client. The pain levels vary from person to person and depend on pain tolerances of each individual. Sometimes as was mentioned above there is little or no pain involved, other times the pain requested may be intense. It is always something that is agreed upon before the beginning of the session.

Now the physiological effects are what attract people the most. The feeling of being totally helpless, not having control takes away the responsibility off the shoulders of the client (or in non-professional settings, the submissive) and puts it on the shoulders of the Dom/me. That leaves the submissive to focus on the feelings of the pain received. When they receive pain to a certain intensity, the brain will release endorphins that give that person the feeling of being “high”.

“Endorphins also cause the release of dopamine, so, here, we may have a pain-pleasure connection: although the endorphins would make getting the orgasm more difficult, the pleasure with or without orgasm would be greater.” (Zule, 2009)

In conclusion, with such powerful motivations that reach into our innermost animalistic
instincts of seeking pleasure, combined with other motivators, such as seeking stress release and sometimes just being able to live in the moment, it is easy to see why some people will participate in such activities. Once the person in a session as a submissive, and starts feeling the “rush” of adrenaline, the feeling of being high, all the while feeling that it is “OK” because they are not in charge anymore; it is then that they get “hooked”. They keep searching for that same “high”, that same feeling over and over. It defies logic but when you see the whole picture, and hopefully after reading this short paper, it will make some sense. After reviewing some research, it is evident that the Dommes interviewed have many happy returning clients. The Dommes themselves see that some of these clients, they have changed, they have become more assertive and secure within themselves, they grow with the experience. (Lindemann, 2011)



Written by, Sam Marie
November 23, 2013


References:

Deckers, L (2010) Motivation: Biological, Psychological and Environmental (3rd ed). Boston:
Pearson/Allyn & B
Lindemann, Danielle (2011) Sexualities, BDSM as therapy?, Sage Publications,
Retrieved from University of Phoenix Library with an online link:
http://sex.sagepub.com/content/14/2/151acon
Roiphe, Katie (April 23 &30, 2012) The Fantasy Life or Working Women, Newsweek (24-28)
Zule (November 4, 2009) Cuadernos de BDSM, BDSM Canarias.
Retrieved from: http://www.bdsmcanarias.es/cuadernos/CuadernosBDSM1.pdf
(English version) http://brainmeta.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=21395

Letter to those new to BDSM

I write to those of you in a hurry to fall into BDSM like you would fall into a comfy couch.  This is not a fit-all lifestyle and it is not instant.

A perfect Dom who is a gentleman with a streak of prince charming doesn't come in a cake mix box, ready to go.  And you cannot convert your husband or significant other into one by forcing it onto him either.  Don’t be in a hurry to follow the crowd. 

A collar is not something you go shopping for, and wear to show off to your friends like a fashion statement. 

These things are things that we in the lifestyle work hard for and cherish.  I want to tell you what it means to us when we see people rush into things.

If you don’t take the time to learn about the lifestyle, if you hop into it and throw yourself at a stranger, it makes the lifestyle look like a game to others.  And if taken as a game, it can be a dangerous one.

Imagine drinking with friends, and while you have been drinking vodka you want to impress your friends and decide to try and hop over a bon fire.  It’s not worth your life, your health or even your mental health.  You may end up with a broken heart, but it can be much worse.  You could end up chained in a basement somewhere, or worse, dead in some back alley.  I beg of you new ones to take this seriously, this is your life.

So, rant over, now I want to say that, first of all you should decide what you want.  If you want playtime, you can go do a dungeon, where you are safer, and there are dungeon masters watching.  It works well when all you want is pain for recreational purposes.  Yes pain is awesome, but you must find someone who is safe and knows what he/she is doing.  You should make sure to go over your limits and safe-words.  You should buy your own toys and bring them with you to the dungeon.  When I play with others, they usually bring their own floggers and canes or paddles.  It is unsanitary to use toys on different people unless you are certain they were disinfected.  No biggie if you are not drawing blood, but still safer.

            If you want a relationship with Kink, you can find someone with similar interests.  Build a relationship first, and go slow.   The relationship must be a strong one before jumping forward.  You could start with S&M first.  In this case there is no power exchange, just kinky sex.  You can take small steps.  This then may develop into BDSM later on.  But the best way to ensure this relationship lasts, you need to spend time reinforcing it.  I mean all aspects, not just kink.  Spend time getting to really know each other outside the bedroom.

Once you have some time within that relationship you can start worrying about a collar, but first you must build a strong foundation.  If you want to build a home, would you want it to have a strong foundation so it lasts? Or will you slap some plywood together and hope for the best?

Please cover all your bases and make sure you keep yourself safe.  Do not be afraid to say no to something that doesn't feel right.  Do not be afraid to back out of a situation that seems off for the fear of upsetting someone.  You need to take care of you, and not worry about other people’s feelings.  Because once you are bound, you can’t help yourself.  You might be screaming your safe word, but who will hear you?  Do you trust the so called Dom you found to stop when you call that word?  What makes you think he will?  What if he gets carried away?  Remember that you need immense trust in the other person to let them bind you.  Value yourself, do not just give yourself away to just anyone.

I strongly suggest you set up a safe call.  Have a friend on standby.  Leave the address where you will be at, with them.   Message them at the agreed at times with a code that tells them you are OK.  If they do not receive your message, they can call you.  But keep in mind that if you are bound, and possibly gagged, you won’t be able to answer.  If they feel you are in trouble they can send the police.  (In the worst case)  You can set this up with your friend as you see fits you best.

Research and  learn; never stop learning.  (Make sure you are learning from a good source though). Be patient and take it easy, please do not be overeager.  I know we live in a world of instant gratification, but this is not something to take lightly. 

Be safe, have fun.

~Sam

Knives

Within the BDSM world, there are many types of play.  You may need to sit down and think of things you never really considered, but would love to try.  One of my favorites is

knife play.

There are many types of ways to include knives in playtime. 

Always remember first and foremost that BDSM has to be Safe, Sane and Consensual.

When playing with knives, it is my choice to play it extra safe.  I take many precautions.  What I like about knife play is the psychological portion. 

In this case, I am writing about my way, my opinions.  Yours and others may differ.

A knife can cause shivers when it is flipped open right in front of your sub, after he/she is tied up and cannot move.  It is something that can cause a rush of adrenaline, just by the mere thought of what it might do. 

You can place the knife in ice for a moment, and it can give an amazing sensation to the sub when the tip is run up and down their skin.  When running the tip on them, I suggest holding the knife blade up or sideways, to avoid unwanted cuts.  Lightly running it over different and sensitive body parts can be a thrill.  Just keep reminding your sub to not move, they must trust you and not move at all. 

Now if you are more adventurous and want to try a rape scene for example; I suggest taping the sharp blade edge with some duct tape.  This is to avoid an accident while moving fast or if the sub struggles or moves suddenly.  When doing something like that, things can go wrong very fast if you do not take precautions.  If you flash the knife in half-light, they will not be able to tell there is duct tape on it.  Trust me, I used pink Hello Kitty duct tape on mine, and in the half-light, the sub is confused and doesn't notice the tape.  You can then either hold the dull end to their throat (do not press, because you can damage the vocal cords).  Or you can run the tip along the body, where you think would cause more shivers.  Remember, this is for psychological effect, not to cause real damage.

Always Please  keep a phone nearby and a first aid kit in case of an emergency.  Knives are fun, but can also cause unintended real harm.  Always negotiate things that will happen in a scene before you start, NEVER surprise someone with a knife without discussing it before the scene.

Have fun, stay safe.

~Sam

Bunny Surprise

I woke up this morning and found that my husband had left for work, but in the place he would be occupying on the bed was a small box wrapped in the comics section of the newspaper.  It had a piece of brown rope tied around it and a sticky note on the top of the box.

I looked at the note and saw that it was signed by hubby.  It said that, this is a new toy for us to have fun with.  He said I should try it, and then keep it nearby so he can use it on me that night when he returns from work.

I tore through the wrappings and was surprised by what I saw.  It was a glass dildo, shaped with a little curve that was sure to reach a G-spot and little bunny ears on the small end.  I took out the small bullet that came with it and placed in the loop under the ears.

I was still a little groggy, but this seemed to promise me a good wake up.  I turned on the remote and discovered that it had several settings.  It also had a little light that lights up as it vibrates and pulses depending on the speeds.

I got up, turned on some music to wake up to and grabbed the lube.  Settled in bed and tried this bunny out.  It was out of this world!

I had a great wake up moment, and could hardly wait to have hubby use it when he gets home.  I suggest taking out the bullet and placing it where it works best for you.

I believe I just found my best buddy, who would have thought a glass rabbit would get you hot, wet and

Sweaty?

When hubby got home, I had dinner ready, but also was freshly showered and wearing only my lace panties.  He came in, gave me a once over glance, nodded and went to the bedroom.  He returned just to ask me to put dinner on hold, and get my butt in there.  I put the food in the oven and headed to the bedroom.  I had left the glass bunny on the bed, next to the box.

He had lit some candles and turned off the light, it gave the room a soft warm glow.  He then had me lay down and cuffed my wrists to the brass headboard, “click, click”.  Once I heard that, I started becoming wet in anticipation of what was to come. 

He then poured some warm oil and rubbed it all over me, it smelled delicious!  Then I saw the glimmer of the glass bunny in the dim glow of the candle light, as he held it up for me to see.  

This bunny is very well made, and the first vibrating glass toy made.  It is $72.00, I will ship for free if you tell me you saw it in this blog.  

If you would like to order a bunny of your own, message Sam Marie here:

E-mail

The Purpose

I have noticed lately in groups online that the purpose of a submissive has been lost.  It is sad to see advertisements in the Classifieds asking for a Dom.  Subs saying they need a Dom that can take care of them, pamper them, love them and take care of their needs.  Some even go as far as explaining that they don’t like to be told what to do and are not looking for a sadist.

Well I am saddened by it because they forget that the main purpose of a sub/slave is to serve their Master/Mistress.  Their goal is to please, and do as they are ordered.  Yes I said it, and I will go further, it took my vanilla husband to remind me that my slave is to OBEY me.  I also forgot that myself, because life gets in the way and we forget.  We do not live with a slave at our feet, and the slave isn’t always chained to a bed.  This is real life and we must adjust because we are not in a fantasy novel.

So what is this?  A sub is to obey, serve, please and be loyal.  A Master/Mistress is to help the sub grow and reach their potential.  They can reward the sub, but above all they will treat the sub as their most prized possession.  That doesn’t mean a Master/Mistress is there to wait on the sub hand and foot and pamper and coddle them.  A Master/Mistress will give the sub tasks to perform in order to help them.  And while we speak of tasks, an online “Dom” asking a sub to insert things in their various orifices and send pictures is not a task, it is a sad excuse of some dude trying to get off without going to a porn site.  How does that make a sub a better person?  Seriously, if you don’t believe me, try it.  A task maybe would be taking picture of a part of their body they dislike.  A task may be to say hello to a stranger, or buy someone coffee to help them with their shyness.  Or write a list of what she eats each day if she has issues with eating healthy.  Seeing the list may help her re evaluate her junk food habits.  Maybe she is overweight and needs motivation, so a Master/Mistress may have her post a picture of her goal size on the fridge, and go to the gym three times a week. 

What the sub does is what he/she is told to do, in order to please her Master/Mistress.  That may entail a wake up call in the mornings, checking in during the day.  It might be greeting him when he gets home, or reminding him of his meetings.  A submissive at heart would be more than happy to do things to please his/her Master/Mistress because it is in their nature. 

BDSM may or may not involve pain, the S & M part is optional, and many people adjust their settings when it comes to their individual relationships.  But what I see in those ads is someone is looking for a sugar daddy, and that is very different than a Daddy Dom.  If it is not in their heart to think of others, and is only thinking of herself and what she gets out of it, then it isn’t good.

A D/s relationship is a power exchange relationship.  One person relinquishes all or some power to another, depending on what they agreed on.  But even though it is that way, both the Dominant and the submissive reap benefits.  I just find it odd that a submissive would demand those benefits without even thinking of what she has to offer.  Both people are thinking of the other, the Dom looks for the best interest of the sub, and the sub takes care of their Dom/me’s needs.  It does go both ways even though the power has been exchanged.  This is when a contract comes in handy; everyone’s rights and responsibilities are listed there in black and white.

A submissive is a strong person, and can speak up, but in a respectful manner.  They don’t demand things or speak ill of their Master/Mistress.  The actions and behavior of a sub reflects on a Master/Mistress.  If you go to a dungeon with your Master/Mistress and do not act respectful or start whining, demanding things or acting a fool, it makes the Master/Mistress look like he/she failed to train the sub properly and can be terribly embarrassing.  That is just an example; this also means that when online a sub/slave should act in a way that makes their Master/Mistress proud.  They do this by showing that they are learning, improving themselves, not causing drama and gossip, and definitely not speaking ill of their Dominant.  This doesn’t mean they cannot ask for advice and ask questions, it can be done respectfully.  Asking questions is part of learning, when a person stops asking questions, it means they lost interest.

It is also a wise thing to do when just meeting a new Dominant, online or in person.  It is very important to ask questions about them and to them.  Do not trust anyone who says you cannot ask about them.  It would be ideal to meet or talk to their friends and make sure the person has a somewhat good reputation.  I know, it would be biased since they are friends, but it’s a start.  Remember, when starting up a D/s relationship, think of it as a regular relationship and take the same safety measures you would take.  If you are looking at someone to be your Dominant, you can research, he/she cannot tell you not to, you should not have offered your submission to them unless you know they are safe and you trust them.

I hope this explains at least the very basics of what the purpose of a sub/slave is.

~Sam

EDUCATION

I have been watching things go by online and I encountered something in one of my groups that got my feathers very ruffled. 

As the post was going by, I couldn’t believe what I read.  A sub was saying that his Dom seemed to have done something that she thought was odd, so we all started talking to her and it became clear to me that he didn’t know how to be a Dom.  I pointed that out, and kindly suggested that he try to educate himself on the subject of BDSM.   I also mentioned that it would be a good idea for him to find a mentor who could guide him.  Her response was that he is very likely not going to do that, he didn’t believe in learning, he thought he already knew what he needed to know.

Now seeing this from my point of view, I believe that in the case of BDSM, ignorance can be very dangerous, especially from someone who is supposed to be in charge of another person.

How can someone put their life in the hands of another, if that other has no idea what he/she is doing Even though I didn’t know the rest of the story, this statement had frightened me. 

People may think, “this is easy, I can play too!”  But STOP and think first. 

-Did you know that choking someone by squeezing the neck can cause irreversible damage to the vocal cords?  You can crush the larynx, you could restrict the oxygen to the brain for too long and cause brain damage.  There are so many things that look fun, but can cause severe injuries if not done carefully and properly.  There is a way to choke someone for fun, in a safe way.  I had to learn that too at one point; but I would not have tried anything that extreme without knowing how to do it safely. 

-Did you know that by slapping someone on the face hard, you can cause brain bruising.  And that if you continue doing this, (day in, day out) you can cause brain damage?  You don’t believe me?  Talk to a retired boxer.

-Did you know that after flogging someone for some time, when they hit subspace and come down; if you throw cold water at them trying to force them back, you can send them into shock?

Here is an example of a date night with some dude you just met:

You can think you have your date with your new “Dom to be”.  You have met him and liked him. You have gone over limits and safe-words, you have set up a friend who you can call in case you need help.  You can take a lot of safety steps. 

Now think of the reality of it.  You are going out with a man you barely know, and you have no idea who taught him what he knows.  He told you he is a Dom, but do you know who mentored him?  Where did he learn BDSM from?  A reputable book? Porn movies? Fantasy Novels? 

You get to the hotel room, and he has you undress and starts using rope to tie you r wrists behind your back.  Do you know that if he ties you too tight or wrong, he can cause nerve damage or skin necrosis?  No, you won’t feel a thing, but later you can see the damage and it’s too late.  Well now your wrists are tied and your ankles are tied.  He blindfolds you and gags you.  He starts hurting you in miscellaneous ways, and then you find that he is trying to do something you didn’t agree upon.  Now, how do you call your friend?  How do you use your safe-word? How will you scream?  In the worst case, he gets on top of you, and your face is now buried in the pillow.  He has no way of knowing he needs to check on you and continues to have his fun while you begin suffocating.  You try to scream but all he hears is groans and figures you are having fun.  Then you stop breathing.   While it wasn’t his intention, the consequences can be terrible.

If he only would have taken the time to learn how to tie properly, how to use implements without causing real damage, how to make sure you are ok, how to use a safe-word when gagged.   If only he would have learned how to be safe, it could have been avoided.

I am just presenting this to illustrate in a simple way why education is so important. 

A Dom/me’s priority is his/her sub’s safety and well being. 

There is so much to being a Dom, slapping a title on yourself isn’t enough.  A Dom/me is what a sergeant is to a private.  What a father is to a child. He leads, helps guides, loves nurtures and protects the sub.  A Dom/me is not one of those men online that think that bullying people to do what he wants is all it takes.  A Dom/me should educate him/her self in order to be the best he/she can be for the sub.   A person who thinks they know it all is a dangerous person and should be avoided.

My slave is my precious possession.  I will always continue reading, learning, improving myself.  If I have no ambition, how can I expect him to have any?  If I don’t care enough for him to continue learning and growing as a person, then I have no business having a slave.  A slave looks up to their Dom/me; therefore the Dom/me should lead by example.  Nobody is perfect, but we can strive to improve.  We “Dom/mes” are not perfect, we are only human.  But we can be the best we can be because, trust is not demanded, it is earned. 

A Dom/me should act in a way that is deserving of a sub’s dedication, loyalty and service.  Just as much as a sub should work on being the best submissive he/she can be to make their Dom/me proud and reflect positively on him/her. 

My best advice when meeting someone new, is to meet at a public dungeon.  A fake Dom will stand out like a sore thumb in there, and you can tell how to proceed from there. If he is honest and says he is new and needs to learn, what better place.  Most people in dungeons are willing to help others, and teach them.  We don’t know it all, but we are glad to share what we have learned. 

Besides that, since sometimes it’s not possible to go to a dungeon.  It is good to introduce them to educational BDSM groups online, or ask others in the lifestyle with experience to help mentor. Maybe even ask for book recommendations, but I think talking to someone with experience is the best route.

I think that the best way of protecting ourselves is education, for subs, but most of all for the Dom/mes.  A Dom/me is the one holding the sub/slave’s life in their hands.  I have not even started to go into the sub’s psychological aspect.  All I will say now, and yes I am repeating it.  People are not toys!  You can seriously mess someone up, physically and psychologically by treating BDSM like a game and people as toys.

Have fun, play hard, stay safe.

~Sam

Conflict Resolution Options in BDSM

 I have been reading some posts online about conflict.  It seems some people have an issue in which their partner is not interested in the BDSM lifestyle, or is interested only in one portion of it.   I have seen it to the extreme in which someone wants to end their marriage because their partner is not “Dominant enough”, or “not submissive enough”.  In this article, I want to approach this issue from the angle of conflict resolution.

Conflict is what happens when two or more people have a disagreement.  When people come face to face with conflict, their reaction to it can be different depending on their personalities.  One path people take is fighting; they come across aggressively because they feel it’s the safer way to argue their point to get what they want.  Others take the opposite route and submit; they give up what they want to avoid conflict.  This may later lead to resentment towards their partner.  Others may choose to escape, maybe by watching TV or playing games online so they can forget about the issue, but the issue is still there, lurking unresolved.   It may sometimes happen that a person takes the Opossum attitude, and they freeze up, and cannot go forward to try to reach a resolution.  We commonly refer to this as “shutting down”.

            The best way to deal with conflict is collaborative resolution.  This resolution contains three steps to be followed.  The first step is offering your suggestion.  Second step is examining the underlying concerns.  The third step is finding a mutually agreeable resolution (Heilter, 2012)

            Start by choosing  a good time to talk, you know your partner well, so you should be able to catch them in an approachable mood.  In my case, the best time is with some wine, soft music and a hot bath.  There is no distraction form TV or cell phone, no internet.  It mellows him out, and we can just talk.  When the time is right, present the issue at hand.  Make sure not to come across as accusing or cornering.  Instead of, “I want you to pay more attention to me.”  Or, “You never spend time with me!” Instead try, “I would like us to spend more time together because I love you, and I enjoy your company”.  The same issue was addressed, just in a different and less aggressive manner.  So state your suggestion on how to resolve the conflict and then ask him to do the same. 

            The second step:  Examine the underlying cause.  For example, the reason you want him to spend more time with you.  After that it is his turn, he can explain his side.  Listening is very important for both sides, and trying to understand the other side’s point of view.  The Third step is finding common ground.  What can you give up to help reach a nice middle ground, and what can he give up.  A little on each side can work wonders. (Heilter, 2012)

            And now we will take a look at the D/s side of things. I will present an example scenario:  You do everything around the house, make decisions and plan things. You want to be submissive, and be taken care of, or dominated completely, but your partner is not cooperating and seems un-interested.  Maybe you can make your plan on how to manage this.  Communication is very important; you can talk about how you feel, and ask him/her how he/she feels about it.  Living the lifestyle 24/7 is very difficult, especially when you may have a job and/or children.  We do not live in a Fairy Tale; this is real life, but there are so many ways you can still work it out. 

            Maybe you can take charge of all things in daily life during the day.  Plan a night on the weekend when you take a time out with your partner, and ask him/her to take charge for the evening.   This is much more manageable and less threatening or overwhelming.  D/s is hard work; it takes a lot to be dominant, even when it’s in your nature.  Takes time to learn and practice and plan, it also takes a lot of energy out of you.  Trying to do this all the time can be exhausting.

           

Take it slow in the beginning, he may like to tie you to the bed and cover you in baby oil, or he may want to use a violet wand on you, or other non-impact toys.  Floggers are awesome, but not for everyone, and might be intimidating for someone who is starting out.  If your partner wants to learn or see what it’s like, you both could find a dungeon nearby and visit.  Make sure to find out their rules and read about etiquette first, you both must read those before you attend.  When there, just walk around watch, learn and discuss what you see afterwards, to see what he likes and what he doesn’t like.   Talking to others also helps, online or at a munch.  Then you can find a compromise.  Keep in mind that if he is new to this, you might want to take baby steps.  Otherwise, you can overwhelm someone, and they will take the fleeing or Opossum options.

            Remember that we are all human.  When you take a vanilla person, and show them all the awesome things in books (or online) that dominants are supposed to do,  you may intimidate that person.   If that happened to me, I’d probably panic; I can’t transform myself into that awesome being! Keep in mind that a lot of what we read is exaggerated, some is fiction and a small portion is real life, and even then, it may be embellished.  Don’t believe all the things you read!   It is almost like a man showing his girl a porn film and asking her to be that.  She isn’t going to be very receptive because first of all, the girls in the films are models, and some of them can act.  It is not reality, and the expectations to measure up can make a girl run.  Please be reasonable on your expectations.

            Exercise patience and understanding.  Talk together and maybe you will discover that your partner might not start all out a Dom/me, but may start as a top by playing games in bed with you.  Like I had mentioned, baby oil, or maybe wax play, there are many fun options.  Even starting with tying your wrists with stockings, blindfolding you, then dusting you with honey dust and licking it all off.  These type of things may be a lot of fun and is less overwhelming for him/her.

            Then tailor the activities and the timing to your life and talk together.  You may have to take the initiative in communicating, suggesting, and planning initially.   I found a good way to find out what my sub wants, was by having him write in a blog.  He wrote a fictional short story about what he would like to experience in a play session.  He wrote it as if it was happening to him, and he did an amazing job.  It is a great way to communicate what you want.  Keep in mind that we Dominants can take what we like from it, and plan our playtime our way while keeping in mind the “wish list”.  I also ask him to write an “after action review” after playtime.  What went well, what needs improvement and what he might like to try next.

            I hope you all don’t give up too easy, try to communicate your wishes in the way that best works for you.  Don’t forget to ask your partner what his/her wishes are as well.  It is not about “what I want”, you have to take in account what he/she wants as well.  Listen to your partner and follow the three steps of collaborative conflict resolution. I wish you the best, and hope something good comes out of all of this.

            Now a personal question for those who have done this before: How did you get started?

Light spankings, a little bondage?

            For the new ones: Which activities do you think would be best for you to start with?

~Sam Marie

           

References:

Heitler, Susan, Ph.D., “Resolution Not Conflict, a Guide to Problem-Solving” (2012) from Psychology Today, Obtained from: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201211/what-makes-conflict-how-are-conflicts-resolved