Always be prepared

By Sam Marie


This is mostly for the Dominants, but submissives should help as well. When you plan your playtime and set up your toys and implements before a play session, remember that you have more things to prepare. An aftercare basket should be nearby, and a first aid kit should be readily accessible.

After-care is essential after playtime.

After receiving such a rush of adrenaline and other chemicals rushing through you body, you need to be able to have the time and space to come down. The Dominant should be careful so he/she does not hit Dom/me-space, because they need to be in control all the time. But the submissive could have been in sub-space, or even hovering close to it. Dominant and submissive should know each other well by now, and have communicated all needs. So what should be in an aftercare basket? It depends on the specific needs. I usually will keep some cool, (not iced) water, a chocolate bar, (I like Lyndt dark; it is very pure) a light blanket, a towel and baby wipes. Water is great to have nearby. I suggest bottled water, so you don’t spill it like I do. It is easy to do, especially when working with floggers in a semi dark room).

Now as for the first aid kit.

You could have a regular one at hand. Remember to take in account and communicate any and all medical conditions. I am not a doctor, but I will tell you that when having intense play time, your blood sugar can drop suddenly. I had that happen once, and I it caught me by surprise. I was able to grab the chocolate I had in the basket. After that, I kept glucose tablets nearby. So think about what kind of supplies might be a good idea to keep nearby.



I suggest you keep emergency scissors, in case you need to cut through clothes or rope in a hurry. The Dominant should make sure that in case of an emergency; he/she can free the submissive immediately and help him/her escape to safety. Some places are prone to earthquakes, others to tornadoes; make sure you keep that in mind.

As a submissive, if your Dominant cannot take the time to provide aftercare for you, then he/she doesn’t need to be having playtime with you. You need someone that cares enough to tend to you afterwards.

After-care does not end there. If you do not live together, or if the Dominant has to be at work the next day, he/she needs to check on the sub by phone, text, or other type of message. Just knowing that they care helps. If the sub experiences drop after playtime, there are some things that can help. Here is a link to a document I wrote on drop. I didn’t specify if it is sub drop, or Dom drop. It’s drop either way. http://misssamsoffice.blogspot.com/2015/01/drop.html

Remember as with any BDSM activity, to keep it SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual)

Once you get all the basics covered and safety becomes habit, then you can focus more on the breathtaking experience.

What would you put in your after-care basket?

~Sam

7 Things Men Can Learn From Fifty Shades Of Grey

by Jordan October 28, 2014 

Jordan Gray says that there are seven things that men can learn from Christian Grey.

—–


Ever heard of Fifty Shades Of Grey?

It’s a recent cultural phenomenon loved (and hated) by people of all ages.

And before I dive into it…

Yes, the books are terribly written.

Yes, the books were written as Twilight fan fiction.

Yes, the books romanticize certain damaging relationship habits.

And yes, the books represent a laughably unrealistic viewpoint of what kink/BDSM relationships look like.

BUT… to not try and learn something from a book series that so clearly hit a nerve on such a massive scale would be silly.

So here’s what you need to know… a virginal 21 year old student (Anastasia Steele) meets a super sexy/successful 27 year old billionaire (Christian Grey) who happens to take a liking to her. Christian also happens to like kinky sex. They like each other, they fight, they make up, they have a lot of kinky sex, they fall in love, the end.

Here’s the thing that you actually need to know…

The book sold over 100 million copies and was one of the most purchased books in the history of human beings. Why? Because the book tapped into something about human sexuality at the right time. What exactly did it tap into? The fact that a lot of women are sexually frustrated and want to live out explorative sexual fantasies with a leading character who they respond to.

And this is the reason why I had a brain-boner throughout the entire book… the way that the author portrayed Christian Grey was brilliant. Having studied attraction, romantic love, and psychology for the past decade, seeing what the author was layering into Christian was just so smart and culturally well timed.

As much as some guys (I would assume that less than 10% of the original Fifty Shades readership was male) want to attribute Christian’s attractiveness to his money or ripped abs (hint: SO not those things), there is some pretty smart writing going on in terms of how the character was structured.

Enough mental masturbation…

So what is it exactly that makes Christian Grey so attractive to over a hundred million women?

Here are the seven things that you can learn from Christian Grey that will help you be a better boyfriend/husband/partner.
1. Single Minded Attention

Christian is supremely single minded when it comes to Anastasia. He’s focused on her, and only her.

He doesn’t squander his attention or sexual energy on other women in any way. If there is a gorgeous woman within sight, he doesn’t take his eyes off of Anastasia for a second.


While his character takes it a bit too far at times (she refers to his superior “stalking” abilities repeatedly in the first two books), this kind of laser-beamed attention is intoxicating to so many women who have never experienced anything close to it. Especially younger women who have grown up in a dating culture where the cultural narrative says that it’s alright for a guy to text message her a vague sign of interest in order to initiate a first date.

Christian wants Anastasia, and he is clear in his intent.

Action steps: stop looking at other women when you’re out on dates with your partner. Give solid eye contact to your partner when you’re talking to them. Remove distractions from your dates and bedroom when you’re engaging with your partner one on one. When you are away from them get on with your life, but give them your full attention whenever you are with them.

2. Unapologetic Sexual Desire

Christian unapologetically craves Anastasia. He is a calm, controlled man with a healthy relationship to his sexuality and he finds Anastasia absolutely captivating. He lusts after her like most women have never experienced in real life.

It’s an aphrodisiac to feel someone’s eyes on you from across the room (something that she does several times throughout the trilogy).

Christian is always in control of his sexual desire, but just barely. It is the line that he walks between being in control of his sexual beast, and her almost making him lose control of himself that she finds so erotic.

Action steps: dive into your relationship to your sexuality. Figure out exactly what it is you respond to in the bedroom. Don’t be afraid to experiment with new things that you think you might enjoy. Work through any mental or emotional blocks you have surrounding sexuality from past trauma or conditioning.

3. Driven

It’s not the fact that Christian has billions of dollars or a chiseled torso that women find attractive so much what those things say about him as a person. The external markers of success and health speak to his unrelenting drive and passion for what he does in his life.

It’s not that he has strong muscles, it’s the fact that he has a strong enough of a mind to have earned those muscles. And it is much the same in real life. Most women aren’t attracted to rich men because they have lots of money as much as they’re attracted to those kinds of men because those men are self-aware, driven, and actually care enough about something in their lives that they want to chase it down and conquer it.

Action steps: figure out what you’re passionate about and follow it with abandon. Don’t be afraid to chase down every single one of your dreams no matter how outlandish or socially out of the box they seem. Always be improving as a person.

4. Love and affection

If he was only ever sexually aggressive with her then it would get old fast. Predictability is death to sexual passion. It would be like if someone learned how to play one chord on a guitar and then only played that one chord over and over again (whereas knowing just four or five chords enables you to play entire songs that are much more emotionally engaging). Christian is the opposite of someone who knows how to play one chord. In fact, he is described as “mercurial” 17 times in the trilogy.

When Christian isn’t tying up/spanking/flogging Anastasia, he frequently holds her, caresses her, adores her, and kisses her on the forehead. He is strong, and soft. Aggressive and sweet. He is all things in an ever-changing hurricane of masculine energy.

Action steps: love and compliment your woman. Be sweet to her when she’s sick, grumpy, or having a rough day. Kiss her on the forehead, play with her hair, make dinner for her. Be a good partner.

5. Decisive

Christian knows who he is and what he wants out of life… so when he decides that he WANTS Anastasia… it actually means something. Most guys choose a woman because they choose him first or simply because of how they look.

Christian has standards. He has insanely strict standards in fact. He orders a simple gin and tonic with about 30 hyper detailed words of specificity. The man knows himself. So his decisions mean something. He does not have low standards in any area of his life.

Action steps: make firm decisions. Stop settling when it comes to matters of your integrity. Feel passionate about something and let it show. Don’t be afraid to lead your dates. Proactively communicate to your partner things that they can do to make you even happier, and strive to do the same for them.

6. Intentionality

Christian is always in control of himself. He is super capable because he decided early on in life to regularly invest time and effort into developing a wide range of abilities. Simply put, he is hyper intentional about his life. He believes in self-mastery and is always looking for ways to challenge himself and improve as a person.

And it would be so easy to scoff at this book and say “This is an impossible level of greatness to achieve… these kinds of guys don’t exist in real life.” And you’re probably 100% right. The number of 27 year old self-made billionaires in the world is next to non-existent. But I have several friends in my social circle that come very close to how Christian is described throughout the trilogy.

I have one friend who is under 35 and has completed over 10 IronMan competitions across the world while running a massively successful home based business and being one of the greatest husbands and fathers that anyone could ever hope for. I have another friend who wrote and published over 20 books by the time he was 25 years old (while living with his beautiful wife in Hawaii). And yet another friend who worked at Apple for over a decade, owns and flies his own aircraft (just like Christian Grey), is a former pro-surfer, and is one of the sweetest and most loyal men on the face of this planet.

These men exist. And I don’t say this to boast that I know them… I’m saying this to dispel the idea that someone can’t be successful, fit, and emotionally intelligent at a young age… or at any age.

Action steps: live your life on purpose. Commit to growing as a person every single day. Challenge your comfort zones by traveling as often as possible and taking on new skills.

7. Willingness To Be Vulnerable

Christian has a mean history of trauma and abuse in his early life. It’s part of what drove him to succeed to the extent that he did. And one of the most endearing qualities of Christian as a character is that he slowly lets Anastasia into his emotional world and he lets her help heal his emotional wounds.

Modern men are raised with such a shamed mentality around their emotions.

Boys don’t cry. Never let ‘em see you sweat. Feel less, achieve more, don’t complain about anything.

Because of socially conditioned ideas like these being hammered into us, we also tend to intuit the lesson that women will lose attraction to us if we ever DO let them see us sweat/suffer/have a moment of “weakness”.

In reality, a quality woman will genuinely want to be let into your emotional world. She knows that you have some cracks in your proverbial armour because everyone has emotional wounds in their past to be worked through. Holding her back from letting her see you is like repeatedly denying her something she desperately longs for. She wants to be let in. And not to judge you or think any less of you… but to help heal your heart with her feminine nurturing and love.

While Christian doesn’t dump his past and heavy emotional baggage on Anastasia upon first meeting her (as he shouldn’t), he slowly lets her know more about him as he grows to trust her more through their relationship. This is the essence of healthy, high-functioning boundaries… he lets her in because he trusts her, and women (like all people) want to feel like they are trusted.

Action steps: let your partner see you. Don’t be afraid to share your secrets with people you trust. Let your lover in to your world and trust that they have your best interest at heart.
Are There Any Christian Greys Out There?

You don’t need to be every single one of these things in order to attract a partner or maintain a thriving relationship. But if you found yourself thinking “I might have some work to do”, then you’re already on the right path.

Anatomy of a Scene

Anatomy of a Scene

By Rev, November 10,2014

If you haven’t heard me say this yet, here goes again: being into BDSM doesn’t mean you have to be into sadomasochism or “scening” (engaging in “scenes”). Having scenes doesn’t mean you have to be into sadomasochism either. And finally, being into sadomasochism doesn’t mean you have to be into dominance and submission.

The acronym “BDSM” represents bondage, dominance, submission, sadism, masochism. You don’t have to do all the things to do some of the things. This stuff is for you and your partner(s)- you get to take what you want off the buffet line.

“Scene” is a common term in the BDSM world. It basically means interactions with someone that involve BDSM dynamics, dynamics that involve any of the above elements, in whatever combo or particular flavor you and your partner like. It can run the gamut from planned days in advance, written out in specifics, negotiated carefully with the person you’re interacting with, to on-the-spot, spontaneous BDSM interactions with someone that you speed-negotiate or play by ear. And everything in between.



There No Definitive Formula for How to Construct a Scene

It’s a question I certainly had when I was new and I know it’s on a lot of your minds. So consider this a very basic suggested outline. As always, take the ingredients, try the ones that appeal to you, tailor them to your own needs and desires, adjust as indicated as you go and after trying. This is your process, your interaction, that of you and your partner or partners. The bottom line is it’s about connecting, having a shared experience, creating the kind of interactions you want to have with people in an atmosphere of consent. That will change depending on the person, the timing, and your moods that day. If you get too hung up on trying to conform to some kind of recipe, you’ll feel awkward and stiff. That might be hard to avoid completely when you’re trying new things or playing with new people, but the more you can relax and enjoy, the better it’ll be for everyone.

And always remember: humor is good.



Basic Scene Elements
We’ll start from the point where you’ve met someone and decided you both want to play with each other. Remember that the scene can be aborted at any time if things start to feel wrong, unsafe or one of you calls “red” for any reason (“red” is the universal safe word for “scene over”, but feel free to make up your own- just make sure it’s clear to all parties).



Negotiation: This stage is essential. Depending on what you’re doing, it can be as simple as “I want to spank you” and “okay, let’s do that”. Or it can be a process that starts with exchanging emails, planning an elaborate rope bondage scene that entails floggers, a blindfold, Wagner’s “An Webers Grabe” and a rubber chicken. The point of negotiation is to figure out what you both want to do together, what you absolutely don’t want to do together, what your safe words will be, where you’ll play, get a feel for your personalities, how much experience you have, etc. It’s important, especially if you’re new to BDSM or each other. For more on this important step, check Norische’s post on it.

Prepare the space: The surroundings can have a powerful influence on the scene. Some things to think about: Music? Lighting? Toys? Aftercare? Water? Private or public? Safer sex supplies? You probably won’t always remember everything, but the more your prepared for, the less the distractions later. You can always send your bottom to fetch what you need. That can be particularly fun if they’re cuffed or tied or blindfolded or instructed to crawl.

Safety: Again, depending on what you’re doing, you want to think about safety supplies you might need. For example, if you’re playing with rope you’ll want to make sure you have some good safety scissors handy in case an emergency escape is needed. Ideally, you’ll have done a little homework on whatever type of play you have in mind and so you’ll know what you need to have nearby. A first aid kit is always a good idea.

(ps: Did you know that if you subscribe to the Dominant Guide by email, you get a free safety pamphlet that include first aid for a variety of minor things as well as sound advice in the case of (heaven forbid) a more serious injury or other risky situation. Check it out! Okay, onward and upward…)



Connection: This is a really important component of any scene for me, whether it’s a more casual service topping kind of thing or a deeper, intensely emotional scene with a beloved. If you’re playing with a partner you’re already close with, you’ll probably find this comes pretty easily. If you’re new to the idea of creating connection, you can try some different things and see what works. Things like eye gazing, breathing together, gently manipulating your partner’s body as though you were leading them in a dance- these are just a few ideas. Can you think of some others? Different things might work with different peope at different times. Find what works for you.



Warm up: Warm up isn’t totally necessary- it depends on how you like to play and the affect you want to have. Whether I’m playing with S/m or psychological Domination, I generally find that if I start slow and gradually ramp the play up, I can take my submissive deeper for longer. If I start in hard and heavy, then they tend to have more challenges processing the intensity and will experience more distress and may have to stop sooner. Not always, but generally.



Escalation: This is the process of ramping up the intensity after a good period of warm up. Commands may get fiercer, activities are edgier and sensation may be more intense. In other words, I can be meaner, hit harder, push farther. This will take us up to….



The Amber Zone: Which is my favorite place to play. For me this is the equivalent of the plateau zone right before orgasm. It’s not quite peaking, but it’s close. I love to work up to that place where my submissive is just occasionally wondering if they can take/do much more, then I’ll back off of it slowly, providing what’s essentially a pause (though activity doesn’t stop, it’s less intense and demanding), then I lean back into that edgy amber zone again. I will usually do this at least a few times. In between the more intense times, I might lean in and whisper in their ears, gently stroke the areas of their skin that I’ve been hard on, tell them I love them, ask how they are, etc. When I was new, I heard this refered to “refilling the spank bank”. In other words, if one is administering constant intense sensation (claws, biting, flogging, humiliation, etc), the human animal will find it harder and harder to process it and will soon need to stop altogether. If I instead let up after a few moments of intensity and do comfort, ease, connect with someone, then the pain/distress tolerance goes up again and I can get intense again. There seems to be a cumulative affect that will take us to the end of their tolerance eventually, but I can keep things going a lot longer if I create these pauses now and then. I love to dance around that line between easy/yummy and “oh my god… woah…”.

Everyone’s yellow/amber zone is different. It’s your job to pay attention and ask for feedback so you know where your submissive/bottom’s is. This will help you figure out how to work it in the way you want. Some people hit the yellow zone with much less stimulation, quicker when they’re playing with someone new or if they don’t feel well that day, etc. Some people can take a lot more to get there. Bottom line is, it will vary.



Peak/Crisis:

This isn’t a necessary part of a scene either. I just happen to like it. Meaning, I like to play until we reach a point where my submissive can’t do anymore. We don’t always get to that place, but most of the time we do. It can involve crying, yelling, asking for mercy, crying “red” or anything that really says “I’m done” including saying… “I’m done” or anything else that works as a safe word for you and your partner(s).



Resolution:

Again, the analogy with sexual response loosely applies. This is the time post peak when we move back into a connection phase. Typically it seems important for me to stay close as my submissive can feel very raw, emotional, vulnerable. It’s not usually a good time for me to walk away and make a phone call or start cleaning up my toys. They’re coming back to earth in a way, sometimes from a very deeply altered state. I need to keep the container intact until I know they’re fairly grounded again.



Aftercare:

Not everyone needs it all the time. It depends on the person, how deeply and hard you played, and what you’ve negotiated ahead of time. I think it’s important to include aftercare talk in the negotiations before you play. Some people don’t want it, some Dominants don’t want to provide it, some Dominants need it for themselves. Talk ahead of time and if you’re a Dominant who doesn’t like to give it and you’re considering playing with a submissive who must have it, then see if you can set up an alternate play so they get what they need and you don’t have to provide it. Same if you’re a Dominant who needs aftercare and your partner doesn’t want to give it. Can someone be a stand in? Can we take care of our own aftercare? If we can’t come up with a plan B, then we probably shouldn’t play. It can be really hard to navigate post play drop if you need aftercare and don’t get it.

Aftercare can include water, protein, snuggles, talking over the scene, a shoulder to cry on or any other activities that one finds helps to deal with any post play feelings.



Follow Up:

I like to check in anywhere from the next day to a few days later to see how my partner is doing. This can take the form of a phone call, an email exchange, a coffee date, whatever. Especially if I’m going to play with someone again, I want feedback on their experience- this helps me make our play more powerful down the road. If nothing else, it’s nice to say thanks for a great time. It’s also a good time to settle the question of next date? Or not.



There you have it, my very loose outline of a general approach. It really depends a lot on the person, on you, on what you’re doing, and the moment. So much of this process, I think, is about being in the moment and following your instincts, as well as listening to your partner, both words and body language. It’s not an exact science, anymore than sex or any other intimate activity is. The “right” ways to do it are as varied as the people doing it. Time, experience, attention to yourself and your partner at the things that will get you to the place you want to be. There are no shortcuts and mistakes happen, no matter how long you’ve been around.

But hopefully this will give you a peek into at least one way to think about scenes and how they might progress.

As always, mileage will vary.



Rev

SOMETHING NOBODY WANTS TO TALK ABOUT

As a Dom/me your purpose is to lead. My favorite part of being a Domme is that you are there to help guide your sub and help them grow. It doesn’t mean that you want to changed them, you just want to bring out the best in them. You take cues from them as to what their needs are.

As a Dom/me, you feed on the need to be needed, so you keep a sub under you, in more ways than one. They do as you say, they follow you without question and trust your judgment. That is how it should be.

My first point I want to discuss is dependence. Does your sub end up depending on your guidance for everything? It feels great to have them need you for everything, to ask permission for different things. It is great to see them flourish and thrive under you. But what happens if for some reason the relationship fails? Will they be able to continue on without you? What happens if you end up with a serious illness, where your sub ends up being the one taking care of you? Is your sub ready to take charge when needed? What happens if you happen to pass away? Will your sub survive being without your guidance, and constant direction? Without your protection and care? This is more important when you are the one supporting the sub, and said sub doesn’t work outside the home. Will they have the skills necessary to take charge of the finances? Of their life?

It is a good idea to ponder all this and make plans. I met a Dom some time back, his sub was totally dependent on him for everything. He made sure his sub was protected. He married his sub, and prepared some legal documents. Those documents specified a person who would be designated as the sub’s caretaker in case of the Dom’s death. The life insurance would cover the finances, and the backup person would cover the rest. Not everyone can do all this, but it is good to think about it and be prepared. Make sure when you train your sub, you balance the control, so you don’t do them a dis-service by making them totally dependent on you.

And now for the other side of the coin. (kind of) When a sub has issues with standing on their own, and you train them accordingly; are you prepared for the sub to “outgrow “ you? It hurts to see that they don’t need you like they used to. People change, and when you help a sub grow and be strong, and they do, you’ve done a good job. But what now? You just lost your sub? No, you gained a person whom you love deeply, and have an incredible connection with. People change and grow; that is a wonderful thing. When a sub blossoms into themselves and stands beautifully, appreciate the beauty instead of dwelling on what you lost. Life is not about us, but about what we can do for others. You still have the sub’s love and devotion, but you should be able to adjust to life changes. We are all work in progress, and life is full of evolution and change.

Life brings us so many changes and surprises, we all must be able to adjust accordingly. The love, respect, trust and devotion to one another should never change.


~Sam

Rape Fantasy: How to Carry it Out Safely

TRIGGER WARNING.  IF YOU  HAVE ISSUES WITH ABUSE, RAPE OR VIOLENCE, PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE, SCROLL TO THE NEXT POST. THIS ARTICLE TALKS ABOUT CONSENT/NON-CONSENT AND ABOUT FANTASY RAPE SCENES.

Posted on June 12, 2014by Slut Lessons

Disclaimer: Though males and females can have these kinds of fantasies, the proclivity for women to have a masochistic streak in them (along with current societal constructs regarding rapes in general) means that the overwhelming majority of those who experience such fantasies are women. This article will be written from the perspective of a female as the “victim” and a male (or males) as the aggressors. It is appropriate, of course, to substitute any gender at any place in this discussion.

What do we mean by “rape fantasy?”

First and foremost, you need to understand that a rape fantasy is almost invariably more about forced sex and not a desire to actually BE raped by someone. Very few people have the desire to be put through the physical and emotional trauma of a real rape. This is the primary reason I personally usually refer to this as “forced sex fantasy,” rather than rape fantasy; it just gives the wrong impression to some people. Regardless, this is a common fantasy, with some studies suggesting that more than half of all women have some sort of these kinds of fantasies.

The basic idea behind a rape fantasy is that a person has a strong desire to be taken sexually by force. This typically includes a desire to be surprised or caught off guard, physically “captured” and restrained, roughly and aggressively physically attacked to one degree or another, and forced into allowing sexual penetration of the mouth, vagina, and/or anus.

Why do women have rape fantasies?

Rape fantasies are rather common, believe it or not. I’ve seen several sources use different figures, but the general consensus is that significantly more than half of all women have rape fantasies from time to time, and that’s just those willing to admit to it. There are a variety of reasons women have these. But since I am not a psychologist (and didn’t stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night), rather than me rehashing what others have said, I’ll just point you to a few articles written by those with experience in such matters. So read through THIS, THIS, and THIS. THIS, too.

So now that we’ve established that these are perfectly normative fantasies, you have to decide how to go about carrying one out safely and sanely. It’s important you lay out and play by a set of ground rules, for two reasons. First, you don’t want to injure your partner physically or emotionally (beyond what you mutually agree upon), and second, there are significant legal and life-changing consequences if your actions go beyond what you’ve agreed upon and escalate to the point of a true rape.

How Do We Go About Carrying Out a Rape Fantasy Scenario?

There are a variety of things to consider when you begin discussing how to carry out a rape fantasy. First and foremost in your mind should be communication with your partner. I’ll explain below how to bring this up with a partner, but assuming you have and wish to move to putting it into action, you need to work out some details. You therefore need to have a good line of emotional and communicative connectivity to your partner.

The first issue you’ll need to discuss is what I call scope of play. Decide what is off limits and what is not off limits. You’ll want to talk about safe words or safe actions that can be used to stop play (by either partner), as well as any safe sex practices you want to incorporate. Some women will want to be physically abused (e.g., being slapped, beaten, choked out, etc.), whereas others will simply want to be tied up and fucked. Here are some specifics you’ll need to consider:

§ Where will it be okay to play? Her house? Her office? You want to avoid using public spaces to do this kind of thing as a general rule. If someone calls the police, you’re going to have some explaining to do, and it’s going to be quite embarrassing for you. Even if you’re not charged with rape, you could be cited for disturbing the peace, indecent exposure, or any number of other crimes depending upon the jurisdiction. If a home is to be the scene, ensure there aren’t going to be any children around!

§ The times of day that are acceptable? Generally these are done at night, but that doesn’t have to be the case. If you’re going to “case” the victim’s house, you’ll want to be careful in that you don’t raise the suspicion of the neighbors (who might call the police about a prowler, etc.). One exciting element I’ve used is to provide a window within which the attack may occur, say from 8AM on Monday through midnight on Friday. This adds a greater element of surprise into it in that you never know when it’s going to occur.

§ What safe sex practices are going to be used, if any? A typical “real” rape won’t involve condoms or other safe sex practices, so you’ll need to discuss how much reality you’re willing to allow.

§ What other implements will you need? Handcuffs (I’d recommend the velcro kind, so she can escape if you keel over and die. Also, real cuffs can hurt the wrists as they’re pulled apart during a struggle); tape or a gag for the mouth (avoid duct tape – it’ll peel skin off when you try to remove it); a “weapon” of some kind if you want.

§ Safe words. You need a specific word, something other than “no” or “stop” or those kinds of words. The word needs to be easily remembered. You should also consider a visual sign in case the “victim” is gagged or has a cock shoved down her throat and can’t speak. Personally I use the Vulcan hand greeting (the two fingers by two fingers forming into a V), or three quick taps to the leg, butt, or back of whomever’s got his or her cock inside me. Perhaps the most critical thing to understand when you get to the point of carrying out one of these fantasies is that a safe word means a full, complete stop. Period. If the victim uses the safe word/sign and the attacker doesn’t stop, you’ve moved from fantasy into a real rape at that point.

One point to keep in mind is that it is possible to “over construct” a rape fantasy scenario. While “real” rapes are often planned out to an extent, to make the scenario more realistic, the attacker should improvise as he’s carrying out the rape, using whatever tools and implements he will have at his disposal in the environment within which the rape is carried out. For example, rather than carrying something specifically to gag her, use the panties you tear off her, blindfold her with her shirt, etc. It’s important to plan out the basics, but don’t overthink it. That eliminates much of the spontaneity and the “fun” of the whole ordeal.

What’s the Difference Between Rape Fantasy and a Standard BDSM Scenario?

There are quite a few differences, but basically BDSM is more about psychological dominance, whereas rape is mostly about physical dominance (though there can be a psychological component involved if desired). A typical BDSM scene has more of a rhythm and purpose to it than a rape does; a rape is spur of the moment, unplanned, overwhelmingly aggressive in a “mean” way whereas the standard BDSM activities just aren’t structured in that manner. BDSM scenes often involved ritualized rape, but that’s subject for a whole other conversation.

As a Woman, How Do I Tell My Partner I Have a Rape Fantasy?

This is going to be tricky, unless you and your partner are into “rape” or rough sex genres of porn. If that’s the case, it should only be a matter of discussing acting out what you’ve seen in the videos. The fact that you want to act out something you’ve seen in what you’ve been watching should come as no surprise to anyone except perhaps the most naive and clueless of partners.

If it’s not something you’ve discussed or hinted at (i.e., if this is going to come out of the clear blue), you need to be in a relationship configuration where you have a good line of communication with your partner. I would recommend starting out by discussing your desire to be a bit more rough or aggressive in your daily sex life, and then working your way through more and more aggressive scenarios until you’ve gone as far as you can without actually engaging in a rape play. That may take some time, but quite frankly (at least, in my opinion), you need to be well versed in rough sex play before you get into rape play anyway.

As a woman, you do need to be prepared for some pushback if you’re with a newer partner, or a partner who has certain types of philosophies about how men view and treat women. One guy I was seeing for a while couldn’t “go there” with rape play because he was taught to treat women with respect and so forth. Obviously, there’s nothing “wrong” with that, but if rape play is one of those things you crave (and let’s be honest, some of us do crave this kind of sex), then you’re going to find some compatibility problems. Only you can decide how serious those are. Bringing this up to a partner who finds it detestable may result in some damage to your relationship, to include an immediate termination thereof. This is one of those things where you just have to have a good read on the person you’re wanting to play with.

As a Man, How Do I Tell My Partner I Want to “Rape” Her as Fantasy Role Play?

This scenario is even more fraught with the potential to explode. You run the risk of alienating your partner if you just bring this up out of the clear blue. Again, if you have a sexual relationship that involves rough, aggressive sex, or if you watch porn involving that kind of sex or sexual rape fantasy scenarios, then it becomes a bit easier.

One of the main problems with a guy bringing this up is that you may not be aware of any past trauma your partner may have experienced. As many as 1/3 of all women have been raped or sexually assaulted in their lives, and many will never divulge this to their partners (for a variety of reasons). So your “out of the blue” bringing this subject up may open up some old wounds that are best left alone.

Perhaps the best way to guide a partner into this is similar to what I described above for woman – introduce her to some rougher or more aggressive flavors of sex. If she’s receptive to this, gradually increase the intensity (with her permission, of course), and incorporate some restraint(s) and “rapey” type behavior (again, do this very gradually). If she’s willingly engaging in this kind of sex, then you might consider bringing up the subject of a forced sex scenario. I’d avoid using the word “rape” initially, unless you guys have talked about the subject of rape and you know it’s not a trigger for her.

Rape Fantasy Play Involving Strangers/Random Hookups

An alternative to playing with a partner is through the cooperation of a stranger or random hookup. I don’t think I have to expend too much effort explaining all of he potential things that could go wrong here, and I hesitate to even bring it up. But I have seen people ask questions on forums and other social websites regarding how to find someone to “rape” them, so at least a cursory discussion is warranted.

Finding someone to do this will be hard, largely because anyone with any sense realizes that it could be a trap, or that, even if it’s not a trap, the “victim” could later recant and claim that it was an actual rape. I’d recommend using a dating or social site that verifies identities of those who use it if you elect to go this route.

If you and a stranger decide to go through with something like this, arrange a video chat and record it. As a part of this, discuss what you want to happen, the guidelines and limitations, and the fact that you’re both consenting to what’s about to take place. Keep in mind that in some places (especially in countries other than the U.S.), consent to being “raped” doesn’t exist. That means the person doing the attacking can be legally charged with a crime even if the “victim” tells the authorities that it was an arrangement and that she consented to everything that happened.

I highly, highly recommend against using a stranger to carry out this kind of scenario in the absence of some controls or verifications of authenticity of those involved (from both sides).

Possible Scenarios

Once you’ve decided to go through with this sort of thing, and have set the boundaries, you’ll want to discuss a specific scenario in some cases. Perhaps you wish to leave it open ended and allow the “rapist” to attack you whenever and wherever, and that’s fine. These scenarios are provided simply to foment discussion between you and your partner and to give you some ideas for things you might try.

§ Home Attack: This is perhaps the easiest to pull off and the least fraught with potential issues. This simply involved the rapist “breaking in” to the victim’s house and carrying out the attack. Unless you get really wild and noisy, or attract some undue attention while breaking in, you shouldn’t have to worry about causing yourself any problems as a result of neighbors or a random police patrol.

§ Work Attack: This is likely only feasible in a situation where the victim is the owner of a business or owns/works in a facility that doesn’t have security monitoring equipment or other people around. If you work in a typical office setting, it’s a safe bet that there are video cameras around that might capture anything you do, which could land you in trouble from an employment standpoint as well as a legal standpoint.

§ Jogging Attack: This involves authorizing the attack somewhere along a jogging route. Your attacker simply lies in wait for you to come by, then “abducts” you into the woods, rapes you, and leaves you there (be sure and work out how you’re going to get home). Again, this is one of those situations where some undue attention by a passerby might create legal issues for you, so if you elect to use this, do so where you know you’ll have some privacy.

§ Other Abduction Attacks: You can construct any number of possible scenarios using a public abduction. Perhaps a van parked next to the victim’s vehicle in a shop parking lot (park a good ways out so you won’t attract attention – keep in mind possible security cameras). This is a common method for carrying out real rapes, in fact. A rapist will park a van next to a woman’s driver’s side door and when she returns to the vehicle, she’s pulled into the van and driven off. This particular scenario is great for gang rapes.

After Care

If this is this first time you’ve engaged in rape play, it is possible you might need what those in the BDSM community call “after care.” After care is the process of comforting one another and taking care of any emotional or perhaps physical after effects of your sex play. This is especially important if it’s your first time engaging in this sort of activity with a significant other. Connect with each other, comfort one another, make sure both of you are okay, etc. When the adrenaline has worn off a day or two later, you’ll want to talk about how things went, whether or not you want to try it again (or something like it), what you’d want to do differently, etc. Again, communication with your partner is vital. If you’re doing rape play with a stranger or non-SO, you may wish to consider having a close friend in whom you can confide, and who can serve as a check for you afterward to make sure you’re okay.

Summary

Rape fantasies, or forced sex fantasies, can add a wildly fantastic new dimension to your sex life, especially if you’re already a big fan of rough, aggressive sex. If you elect to try this kind of thing, though, it is important to select a partner who’ll work with you and with whom you can communicate effectively to ensure that you don’t get hurt, and that your “rapist” doesn’t suffer any negative emotional issues from having taken you by force. Once you’ve made the decision to do it, it then becomes important to construct a scenario that is safe for both (or all) of you, and that doesn’t involve any potential legal pitfalls. Much of this is common sense, and hopefully this short how-to guide will assist you in exploring this aspect of your sexuality.


The Slut

A Beginner's Guide to Submission

By CJ Edwards, March 20, 2014

Takeaway: Becoming a submissive is a very common sexual fantasy, but fulfilling it may take more time and energy than simply buying a set of cuffs.



A submissive is an individual who willingly relinquishes control to another person, usually to satisfy a sexual urge. If you're here reading this, chances are the thought of relinquishing control to another person has piqued your interest or has even gotten your sexual juices flowing, so to speak. Think you're odd?

Don't worry - you're not weird. Far from it, really. In fact becoming sexually submissive is one of the most common sexual fantasies. Just check out these statistics from the Kinsey Institute.



5-10 percent of Americans engages in sadism/masochism (S/M) practices for sexual pleasure at least occasionally.
12 percent of women and 22 percent of men reported erotic response to an S/M story.
55 percent of women and 50 percent of men reported having responded erotically to being bitten.
14 percent of men and 11 percent of women have had some sexual experience with sadomasochism.
11 percent of men and 17 percent of women reported trying bondage.

Clearly, for many peoples, the fantasy of being ordered around, spanked, and generally coerced to perform sexual acts can seem thrilling. The question for those who haven't actually done it, however, is where to start. And if you want to be a submissive, what do you really need to know? (Read more about BDSM in Why BDSM Might Be the Sanest Sex Out There.)

Read on, and find out...





Educate Yourself

Becoming a submissive is not a decision that should be made lightly. Before you decide to take the plunge and put yourself at the mercy of another, educate yourself on all things submission.

First, some excellent books have been written on the subject of submission and dominance, and there are some very valuable online communities that cater to both veterans and novices. ("The Ultimate Guide to Kink" by Tristan Taormino provides an educated look at the topic, while "SM 101" by Jay Wiseman provides the fundamentals of safe, sane S/M.)

Another way to learn more about what it's like to become a submissive is to attend a "munch". A "munch" (short for "burger munch") is a casual social gathering for individuals interested in the dominant/submissive lifestyle. Attending these gatherings is a great way to connect with experienced individuals and learn more about the lifestyle.



Determine If You're Really the Submissive Type

Not surprisingly, submissive behavior typically comes very naturally to true submissives. But how can you tell if you're a true submissive?

Generally, true submissives have a desire to please a more dominant person and may even be turned on by the thought of being humiliated or overpowered. But don't think for a second that all submissives bend to everyone's whims in their everyday lives. Some submissives are individuals in truly powerful positions who simply want a release from their responsibilities from time to time.

On the flip side, however, if submitting to another person turns you off, being a submissive probably isn't for you. Instead, you could look into becoming a dominant or even a switch (someone who participates in BDSM as both a dominant and a submissive).

Finally, ask yourself honestly why you want to become a submissive. Is it because you truly enjoy the idea of relinquishing power to a dominant person? Or is it because your partner wants to dominate you? Remember that dominant/submissive relationships must always be consensual. Never become a submissive if you feel that you're being pressured into it.



Determine Your Level of Submission

There are a few different distinct levels of dominance and submission. Some people, for instance, simply use dominance and submission to add a little spice to their sex lives. This typically includes fantasy role-playing in the bedroom from time to time, with some light spanking, dirty talk or bondage. (Read more about how to mix it up in Why Bondage Can Be So Much Fun.)

Part-time submissives find that the submissive lifestyle is a much more important part of their lives. They may transform into a submissive during certain times, such as during sex or when visiting a BDSM club. They will often invest in outfits and other props, but won't usually let their role interfere with other areas of their lives.

Full-time submissives, on the other hand, are usually the hard-core players in the BDSM game. These types of submissives may even be looking to live in a full-time dominant/submissive relationship. They will usually relinquish all control to their dominant in most - if not all - areas of their lives. Many of these relationships also involve signed contracts. In some ways, they are very similar to marriage - although, of course, most marriages these days have much less of a power imbalance.

As with all things in life, when it comes to dominance and submission, it's usually best to start small and work your way up. Maybe try a little fantasy role-playing before you completely submit to a full-time dominant, for example.



Know Your Limits

Does the thought of being caned make you want to cower in the corner? Do handcuffs andspreader bars raise your hackles? As you delve into the world of dominance and submission, you're bound to come across more than a few things that test your comfort zone. You know what we're talking about - the things that make you go "Yikes!" Don't let these things turn you off of submission completely, though. Keep in mind that just just because others enjoy something doesn't mean that you have to. Know your limits and stand firm!



Communicate

While communication is important in any relationship, it's absolutely essential in a dominant/submissive relationship. Now's not the time to be shy; if you're uncomfortable with the thought of sharing your innermost sexual desires and turn-offs it can really affect your safety - not to mention whether your enjoy your encounters. As a submissive, you must be willing and able to openly communicate with your partner or partners to ensure that all sex play is truly consensual. (Get some tips on sexual communication in Talk Dirty to Me: The Why and How of Hot Aural Sex.)

Before a scene or relationship begins, you and your partners should share your wants, desires, and sexual fantasies. However, it is equally important to make your partners aware of any turn-offs and limits you may have. Make your limits known and set boundaries as soon as possible.





Put Safety First

In recent years, the term "safe, sane and consensual" has become something of a motto for the BDSM community and BDSM play. If you're looking into BDSM play for the first time, or even if you're a hardened veteran, safety should be a No.1 priority.

To be clear, whether you're flogging someone or submitting them to some other delicious torture, there is an element of danger or potential harm in any BDSM activity. Always take the time to learn how to properly and safely use any toys and props, and always establish a safeword before beginning any BDSM play. This simple word or phrase can be spoken by a submissive at any time they want to slow down or stop a scene, no questions asked. Of course, words like "stop" and "no" should also be avoided when choosing a safeword, since they can often be used to heighten the excitement during a scene.



Distinguish Fantasy from Reality

If you're willing to take that first step into a dominant/submissive relationship, it's imperative that you're able to distinguish fantasy from reality. Unless you have another arrangement, you and your dominant should keep in mind that your role-playing is just that - playing.

Don't let your dominant's words and actions get to you, and maintain your self-respect. However, remember that unless you communicate with your dominant, he or she will simply assume that you're satisfied with how your relationship is going. Of course, if your partner doesn't respect you enough to stop overstepping your limits, respect yourself enough to end the relationship.



Cultivate Patience

Don't expect to read a few articles on the Internet and then be able to call yourself a submissive. No matter how eager you are to learn and experiment, you won't become a submissive overnight. Becoming a true submissive takes a great deal of time and patience. In fact, many submissives may even go through a formal "training" period, which can take months or even years.

And if you do decide to open this new chapter in your life, have fun with it. You may choose to close it in the future, or it may become a big part of who you are. Either way, learn what you can from the experience and, most importantly, enjoy it!

Ball Gags

Ball Gag Safety for Beginners
Posted on September 12, 2012by scarletrosefox

Gags are rather fun to use, especially ball gags. They leave the mouth open and while the person wearing it can still make a slight bit of muffled noise, I have noticed its more about that humiliation that it causes. As when you talk it is unintelligible, distorts your features and causes the wearer to drool. Knowing that you cannot control it can be a turn on for both the wearer and the person who put it on you.

However, like any BDSM accessory you want to know how to use it safely. While I am mentioned ball gags the most here, these are things that can be remembered with all gags.

What is a Ball Gag?

A ball gag is a gag made specifically for gagging and usually includes a ball of some sort on a piece of some sort of fabric. The ball is slipped into your captive’s mouth then you fasten the straps around your partners head to keep the gag in place.

They provide a full feeling for the person wearing it as they fill up the mouth nicely. However because of their large size, many people’s jaws can tire quicker then they would with other gags. So it pays to take the time and do the research on the gags you plan to get. Find out measurements to make sure it is going to be comfortable but still do what it is that you want from your gag.

Also, keep in mind fabrics being used in the construction of the ball gag. I find that leather and suede tend to bite less into the skin they say one made with rubber straps. And a ball made from silicone or is best. Hard plastic ball gags have the worry that you may chip a tooth if you are biting down to hard on it. Rubber, while it does have give you do need to be careful in using because of chemicals that rubber can contain like phthalates.

Safeword?

Seeming you cannot be heard at least not very well, trying to use your safe word when you have a ball gag in your mouth is hard and at most, just downright unusable. So what is one to do instead so that they are able to inform their Dom/Top that they need to stop.

An Object in the Hand – Holding a ball that you can drop, a bell that you can ring or any other object that brings attention to itself.

Repeated Movement – Such as opening and closing your hands, snapping your fingers or moving the head up and down.

Repeated Sound – Making a number of rhythmic grunts or other pre-defined noises that can be made clearly with the gag in place.

Check in – Having your Dom/Top check in with you either verbally or if you have become nonverbal due to subspace placing a finger in the Sub/Bottoms hand to squeeze.

Clear Breathing

A gag does interfere with breathing, you never want to leave a gagged play partner unattended. Also, gags should not be used unless the nasal passage way is completely clear. In this case vented ball gags made with whiffle like balls can be much safer then solid balls. Though they can be harder to clean and sanitize due to getting saliva in the ball itself.

In the same vein, gags can sometimes induce vomiting because it may trigger the gag reflex. If they where to still be gagged when vomiting it could be fatal.

Position

On this one I speak more from personal experience, as it has happened to me. I have found that the best positions when using a ball gag are when you are in an upright position (sitting up, standing up) or when your head is pointing down. I found this allows for any saliva build up to be able to move in a way that isn’t back down the throat that could lead to more gagging.

Don’t forget your Jaw!

If you have any jaw injuries it can make wearing a ball gag slightly uncomfortable. You don’t have to avoid it, but you do what to modify your play slightly.

A ball gag shouldn’t be worn for more than 10 to 20 minutes at a time when you are starting out. Your muscles can become fatigued, and less resilient as you are playing with the muscles in your jaw and mouth. As soon as it becomes too painful, take it out. As you become more experienced with gags you can certainly wear them for longer periods of time. But remember, using gags too often can actually injure your jaw.

Of Dom/mes and Monsters

I could not stomach the 50 shades book; a friend had asked me to read it. I tried, but I just could not get past the girl’s blushing; it sounded like a love struck teenager wrote it. I did go watch the movie with my sub; I was curious. I totally understand the feelings portrayed ever so slightly by Christian; he seemed so repressed and miserable, but there was something that seemed familiar. I was hung up on one thing though. When Anastasia asked him if he gets off on beating women, and then asked why he can’t be normal. I felt like it hit a nerve. So if he is a sadist, and enjoys giving pain to another, that makes him a monster? There is a huge difference between consensual BDSM (where there is consensual pain), and abuse, (non-consensual pain).



I know many Dominants are not into pain, it is different in my case. So this explains part of my motivation. Since I was 12 I have been having fantasies that I thought would make me a monster. The things that turned me on always involved violence, but I never said a thing. I was going to catholic school, I didn’t even tell the priest at the confessional. I was terrified that someone may find out, I was afraid of my own drive at this point. I suppressed it for a long time, but my day dreams were always violent and about control over another person. I have a hard time even as I write it out now.



I was taught D/s when I was 18-19, but I didn’t get as far as pain was concerned. I still had my monster suppressed very securely in the dark recesses of my heart. I sometimes slipped up and hurt my partner during sex, but he seemed to not take notice much. We would usually be drinking, and I don’t think he remembers.



A few years ago, my best friend asked to become my sub. He submitted to me and it blew me away. We had been talking for years, and at some point I told him I had this monster. I told him about some of my fantasies. When he was receptive, so I let out all my secrets. He wanted to be mine, and receive the pain that I may give. I tried it once, and then switched to feel what he felt. I realized I loved every bit of it, except I am resistant to giving up control. But now I felt the other end of the stick, so to speak. Now I understood why he liked it, and it made me weak in the knees. We both found acceptance of our deepest desires, and it was amazing that we found our other puzzle piece.



I do not “get off” by beating people. What turns me on is feeling his fire. He enjoys the pain I give, he accepts me for who I am, a sadist. He doesn’t accept the pain only to make me happy; I can tell by his body language that he enjoys what I have to give. That feeds into me, and back into him. As I use implements to cause him pain, I often ask how he is doing. He has told me that he can tell if I am not giving my all, and controlling myself too much.



Sometimes playtime is like walking a tight rope; you have to walk that thin line between total control over yourself and your emotions, and loosing yourself. When you start losing yourself, that is called Dom-space. When you are about to “lose it” you need to stop immediately; your sub’s safety is now at risk. When I got there the first time, it frightened me. I felt like I was enjoying it too much, and about to lose control. I was flogging my sub, and was hitting harder and harder. He was sweating and had been feeling a lot of pain by now. Somehow between his body language and the music, I wanted so badly to let go. You know, like when a horse decides to ignore the rider and run wild with no control whatsoever. I heard my sub scream in pain, (he doesn’t do that often, this was probably the only time). That threw me over the edge, and I had to stop immediately. If I remember correctly I dropped to my knees, and put down the flogger. I had to breathe, and regain my control; it felt better than any sex, ever. It was a high like no other. So now what? Does that make me a monster? I stand on my belief that it would only make me one, if I was doing this to an unwilling victim. Once I regained my control I got up and started winding my sub down to cool down. We had a talk later about it.



What I am getting at, is that I agree that we all have a monster inside. Most people either block it out, or repress it. Some people hate that monster; others are terrified to even acknowledge it. I am grateful to be one of the few lucky ones who are able to control and embrace this monster. I have been so relieved to have found others like me, and find out I am not alone. I met some wonderful people at our local dungeon. I saw that we are not completely crazy, but fortunate to have found our other half to our puzzle. We have a deep understanding of ourselves and our submissives. Our subs are our most precious possession, and we treasure them accordingly. Our connection is so much deeper, because there is a great acceptance, and huge trust.



I have found myself circling my sub like a wild animal about to pounce on their prey, and it’s totally acceptable to us. I feel free to be myself, and I feel so alive at that precise moment. I am only telling you what I see and feel from my perspective, everyone’s experiences are different.



As excited as we all feel of being able to control our monster, and let it come out to play, unfortunately it’s not something we can be openly proud of. Some things need to be kept private; we can’t go out to buy groceries with a slave on a leash, but we can smile on the thought of them waiting for us when the time comes to be with them.





~Sam

We’re Kinky, Not Crazy

Including “paraphilic disorders” in the DSM V is redundant, unscientific, and stigmatizing. 

By Jillian Keenan 

Pic-A woman is restrained in a device called "The Gate" 
at the DomConLA convention on May 18, 2012, in Los Angeles. 


Photo by David McNew/Getty Images 



The American Psychiatric Association has decided that people with kinky sexual interests (which—let’s just get this out of the way—includes me) don’t necessarily have mental disorders. That seems like good news, right? If we look up sexual masochism, fetishism, transvestism, or sadism in the forthcoming fifth edition of theDiagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, they won’t be there! In their place, we’ll find a new list of “paraphilic disorders”: sexual masochism disorder, fetishistic disorder, transvestic disorder, and so on. The difference? To be diagnosed with one of these noncriminal sexual disorders, the person must “feel personal distress about their interest.”

Simply put, the DSM V will say that happy kinksters don’t have a mental disorder. But unhappy kinksters do.

Some sexual minorities have applauded this diagnostic compromise as a step forward. It isn’t. This is just the same routine that the psychiatric community dragged homosexuality through decades ago, and adult, consensual (in other words, noncriminal) expressions of atypical sexuality should be removed from the DSMentirely for many of the same reasons that homosexuality was.

In 1952, the DSM I officially categorized homosexuality as a mental disorder. As the gay rights movement gathered momentum in the 1960s, however, the psychiatric community introduced a diagnostic compromise by saying that people who were comfortable with their sexual orientation did not have a mental disorder. The APA triumphantly removed general homosexuality from the DSM in 1973. But for people who were "in conflict with" their homosexuality, they introduced a new condition instead: “sexual orientation disturbance” (SOD). The 1980 DSM III replaced SOD with "ego-dystonic homosexuality," but the basic principle remained the same: Happy homosexuals did not have a mental disorder, while unhappy ones did.

The term paraphilia—which sexologist John Money defined as unusual sexual interests—first appeared in the DSM III. (Before that, the DSM II listed homosexuality, masochism, sadism, transvestism, fetishism, and other consensual minority sexualities alongside criminal pedophilia and frotteurism in the category of “sexual deviations.”) Although there were minor wording changes to the subsequent DSM IV and DSM IV-TR, psychiatric consensus continued to lump noncriminal paraphilias together with criminal paraphilias as mental disorders.

Thankfully, all forms of homosexuality (including ego-dystonic homosexuality) were finally removed from the DSM in 1987, after a long struggle and far too late. Noncriminal sexual paraphilias should also be removed for many of the same reasons that homosexuality was: People who are stigmatized and misunderstood, such as sexual minorities, might be unhappy—but the unhappiness itself is the problem that should be treated, not the person’s sexual identity or practice.

To be clear, I’m not comparing the experience of being kinky to the experience of being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender. No one is trying to stop kinky people from getting married or, with a few exceptions, threaten our physical safety. The LGBTQ community has serious human rights violations to contend with; most kinksters face nothing more serious than internal turmoil, awkward conversations with new partners, and cultural mockery.

That being said, DSM-based diagnoses do have real-life consequences for all sexual minorities. They have influenced employment decisions, child custody proceedings,security clearances, and health insurance coverage. Social stigma is no joke, either. A 2006 study found that of 1,017 self-identified BDSM practitioners, 36 percent had experienced violence or harassment because of their sexuality, and 30 percent had been the victim of job discrimination. (William Saletan’s recent Slate story, which incorrectly argued that “everything we condemn outside the world of kink is celebrated within it,” doesn’t help.)

The DSM has a profound impact on societal attitudes toward kinksters, which can in turn influence how we are perceived by our friends, sexual partners, and—most significantly for mental health—by ourselves.

It’s a bizarre cycle. According to the APA’s paraphilias fact sheet for the forthcomingDSM, I can be diagnosed with “sexual masochism disorder” if I feel “personal distress” about my sexuality. Usually, I don’t. But the moments when I do feel distressed (when I wonder if, perhaps, there might really be something wrong with me) occur when I receive unsolicited emails from psychiatrists who have read my public disclosuresabout my sexuality and reach out to offer their services.

Of course, some people are genuinely, consistently distressed by their atypical sexual urges and fantasies. A few psychiatrists have argued that by including the paraphilic disorders in the DSM, the door remains open for those individuals to seek treatment. I’m not convinced. In fact, I have nothing but faith that if someone genuinely wants psychiatric care, the mental health community will find a way to provide it.

A person who feels persistent personal distress about the shape of her nose, for example, can access psychiatric treatment despite the fact that “nose perception disorder” is not listed in the DSM—she can be treated for body dysmorphic disorder, depression, or a whole host of other broadly defined issues. Along the same lines, someone who is deeply dismayed by his masochistic sexual urges, for example, doesn’t need to be diagnosed with “sexual masochism disorder.” He could be treated for “sexual disorder not otherwise specified,” identity problems, or adjustment disorder—all of which are already listed in the DSM. Isolating specific paraphilias as potential “disorders” is redundant. Worse, that specificity suggests that there is something unique to people with certain atypical sexual urges that makes us more likely to be mentally disordered than anyone else.

Despite its best efforts, the DSM still allows existing sexual stigmas and social norms to define whether a sexual practice is “healthy.” (After all, 20 years ago, it would have been very easy for bigots to describe homosexuality as an unhealthy urge akin to alcoholism.) That’s why social conventions can’t dictate “health”—that must be determined by clear and compelling medical evidence. Alcohol dependence, for example, is medically harmful. Homosexuality is not. Neither is a consensual expression of atypical sexuality. Even the more colorful aspects of BDSM aren't necessarily riskier than skiing, football, or even ballet. (Saletan’s examples of long-term harm come from the porn industry, which isn’t exactly known for protecting actors specializing in any genre. And as Dan Savage points out, the kinkster community has an ethic of safety and communication.)

The fundamental tenet of medicine is, “First, do no harm.” But every day, I receive emails from kinky men and women around the world who tell me about their incredible loneliness and shame. Many of them cite the psychiatric understanding of paraphilias—a de facto endorsement of social stigma—as a partial source of their isolation. The continued presence of the paraphilias (despite their superficial name change) in the forthcoming DSM V is redundant, unscientific, unnecessary, and harmful to millions of kinksters. The paraphilic disorders are also harmful to the field of psychiatry itself. Psychiatry is a noble profession, and I have no doubt that the members of the DSM paraphilias subworkgroup have nothing but the best and kindest intentions. I’m sure they just want to help. But continuing to pathologize noncriminal atypical sexualities only hurts all of us. (And not in the fun way.)

What is Primal Play?

By slavekathy on July 26, 2013






This post is part of an effort to provide a glossary for novice submissives of words commonly seen across this site and in theBDSM community.


Mr. Samsonite. Every group has one; you know, the guy who can’t show up to theplay party without enough luggage to go on a two-week European tour? He puts on his little kid gloves and unpacks hisembarrassment of kinky riches, and by the time he gets them all out, the party is halfway over. We all know this dominant, and his precise, measured method of play. It’s fine if it works for him. However, what if Mr. Mechanical isn’t what gets your juices flowing? Many slaves and submissives enjoy a more hands-on approach to play, and no expensive tools or toys are required.You were born with all the kink toys you need for playing primal: teeth, nails, hair and skin.






Pure and abject submission isn’t what’s called for here; the dominant who prefers primal play wants to fight. Primal play may be your perfect fit if you’re the bratty sub who yearns to be overwhelmed, conquered and forced to submit to a stronger, more powerful dominant.






A primal play scene may look like wrestling or even martial arts. There may be pressure points involved, and even rope bondage, but the thing that sets primal play apart from other types is raw, emotional, sexual feelings displayed. All of the labels, roles, and protocols go out the window during primal play, and the bottomcan become a snarling, growing, clawing animal hell-bent on getting away. More sensual types of primal play can look like two animals greeting each other. The top can sniff the submissive, growl in her ear, pull her hair back and bite her neck while holding her immobile.






One caveat: if you’re going to do some of the more edgy types of primal play in a public playspace, be sure to let the DM’s know what it is you are doing. Primal play is just that…primal, and it can be disturbing to observers who may not be familiar with the concept of a s-type actually fighting back in earnest.






References





Primal Play – The Animal Within (FetLife Group)

Ramping

So what is ramping? Ramping is a process some Dom/mes use in certain

activities. It is a slow build up to a peak, holding the sub at the peak for a while and then slowly coming back down so that the endorphins/high and the feeling of closeness, care and love aren't lost.


Example of what could occur if ramping is used:


The Dom/me might take their doeskin flogger and begin the flogging with a slow steady rhythm. When they feel you have reached the plateau they wish, they would then switch to a light suede flogger. Once again when you reach a point they feel is right, they would then switch to a heavy suede flogger. Again another level is reached and they switch to a braided elephant hide flogger. Then a stingy rubber whip gets added as the sub flies/floats to another level. Now to get to that peak a single tail or cane is used. They hold you there till you think you can't take another stroke. The sensation changes its the stingy rubber whip again, then after a time the elephant flogger, now you can't put your finger on it, ahhhhh a knotted rope flogger. Slowly the sub is coming down but the high is continuing. Such a balance the Dom/me must use not to jar you out of the floating wonderful subbie high you have going. The heavy suede flogger, yummmmmm, now the light suede flogger, soft moans and sighs....the doeskin flogger.....feels like you are melting into a puddle on the floor, the room looks like it is filled with fog. Oh ah, yum bunny fur being rubbed over your flogged body, OH MY!, fingernails on freshly flogged body, yum bunny fur again. Ah my Dom/me pressing themselves into me, holding me. I feel so close, it feels so right, it feels so loving, so safe, so warm. I never want to go without this in my life, never want to be without my Dom/me. I love you Sir/Ma'am/Master/Mistress. <soft content smile> They love me too.





By: BDSM for beginners

Flogging tutorial (Florentine and other types)

I find that this tutorial is excellent, it explains not only the technique, but ways to change the way you deliver.  I highly suggest watching, and then reading on the document "Ramping".  

Dipping in the Pool of Reality

I want to share this article, in my opinion, it's one of the best I have seen out there.
Author unknown
Shared By David Coates in 2013
in BDSM support and Info

You do have rights, and you have the right to walk away. If you believe otherwise, it is time for a dip in the reality pool.

No man has an erection continuously, unless they are experiencing priapism, in which case, a doctor's visit is in order.

There is such a thing as premenstrual syndrome (PMS), and no amount of dominance is going to make it go away.

A chainsaw is not a sex toy.

Your cyber safe-word is the off button on the front of your computer. Use it!

There is going to be a time when you do not feel like having sex. It does happen, so prepare yourself mentally for it.

24/7 is not a myth. 24/7 in chains, naked and kneeling is.

There will come a time when you see your Dominant or sub scratching themselves, belching, and in need of a shower. Prepare yourself for that as well.

No one understands your collar but you. Showing it off at Wal-Mart is not exactly a statement.

The distance is not insurmountable, it is inconvenient and irritating, and it will grate on your nerves unless you fill your time with other things.

Eventually, you are going to have to take those cuffs off to take the kids to the doctor. Get used to it.
Speaking of doctors, tell yours what you are into currently, or possibly be prepared to deal with social services on a regular basis.

You really do not need another flogger. What you need is a new microwave and a pair of hundred-dollar tennis shoes for your teenager. Know when to say when to the toy bag.

People get sick. People die. Use a condom, please, unless you have been tested twice in the last year, and so has your partner.

Do not walk away from your friends. You might well need them later, when your dream Dominant turns into a frog, or your submissive into to a Decepticunt.

If you want something, ask. Ask respectfully, ask in role, ask in good faith, but ask. If you do not, chances are, you are not going get it.

Just because you call yourself a slave or Master does not mean that others will agree with your definition. Be prepared to defend your views, but do not bark at others for their opinions. They have a right to them, same as you do.

Find a way to orgasm without BDSM. You may need that someday.

There are things you will not do. Trust me. Maybe you just have not been asked to do them yet.

This is not always all about sex. Do not expect to get a nut every time you play, then you won't be disappointed when it happens to you. Orgasms are nice, but not mandatory.

Your Dominant is not clairvoyant.

Forever is not as long as you might think. Sometimes, it is just until she changes her mind again.

The Mistress is not always dressed in thigh-highs and hose. The Dominant does not always have his flogger nearby. Sometimes, it is time for sweat pants and hot cocoa.

An argument is not the end of the world. Not resolving it, however, might be.

Sometimes, a fuck is just a fuck, a beating is just a beating, and a kiss is just a kiss. Enjoy it, remember it, and move along.

I hope you have enjoyed your dip in the reality pool. Wipe your feet before going back in the house, and do not drip jism on my new wooden floors.

Author: Unknown

Measuring for cock rings

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