ABOUT DUNGEONS

I have noticed that looking around in Facebook pages and groups, that most people like to be like everyone else.  When going into groups, I see that the subs are mostly women, who have this idea of a knight in shining armor that will come save them from themselves.  They will be the perfect loving couple, and he will make sure she is completely happy and taken care of.  Sorry to burst your bubble, that is not how it works.  Relationships take time to build, I already wrote an article on that, so I will not repeat myself.  BDSM can be experienced in more ways than that one way; it is not a cookie cutter thing.

It is sad then when I see the women who already are married; they look at the lifestyle longingly and suddenly thinking the grass is greener on the other side.  Yes cliché, but it is very common.  Always remember; the grass seems greener there, because it was covered with bullshit. 

When I first started going in the groups, I noticed most women think a romantic relationship is an essential part of BDSM.  In my opinion, a romantic relationship is not necessary.  You can have a romantic relationship completely independently of BDSM, and a BDSM relationship without sex or falling in love.  But then again I am very open to possibilities.  You can experience only the S&M (Sadism and Masochism)  part of BDSM, or only the D/s part.  (Dominant, submissive).  There are so many possibilities, you don’t have to be like everyone else!

I started going to a dungeon near home a few years ago, it had recently opened and I was thrilled.  I read online about it, and sent an e-mail to the owners.  They sent me some paperwork explaining the rules etiquette, and membership.  The first time I was there, I thought I was going to cry.  It was like Disneyland for me!  The place was so welcoming, and the people were amazing, open and down to earth.

I immediately could tell that the people there were so different than the ones on Facebook.  These people were there to have fun.  After a couple of visits, I had some people walk up to me and ask me for a session, which turned out to be so much fun.  As much as most people are nude, things don’t seem obscene, and there is no sex involved.  People walk around half nude or nude, because they feel free, and comfortable in their own skin.  Others don’t stare, or make them uncomfortable as it would be in any other place.  Everyone is respectful and grown up about things, which the way it should be.

I have met some great Dom/mes that I have learned so much from.  Every time I go to a play party I learn something new.  I have met great people and it is a truly enjoyable experience.

If you wonder what you will find there; it seems like a torture chamber, but in a fun way.  They have different BDSM furniture at your disposal.  You could look up BDSM furniture online and find out what it is used for so you can get an idea of what you are looking at when you go. There is certain etiquette to follow.  Each dungeon has their own way of making it work so everyone has fun.  The one I go to has a changing room, which comes in handy.  It also has a sitting room, and a main room, and separate themed rooms you can use.  Most dungeons do not allow alcoholic beverages, the one I go to allows you to bring your own; but if they see you drunk or unsafe you are booted.  Each dungeon has their own dress code.  Please do not show up in flip flops and shorts! 

When I find people online who want to try BDSM, I suggest going to a dungeon.   They can look around, and meet other people.  The person you have sessions with doesn’t have to be your sexual partner, or husband or anything.  It can be a casual pain session, a scene.   (I don’t suggest going there without informing your S.O.)  I also suggest you go a few times and observe first.  That way you can see who is well known, who seems knowledgeable, who is available.   You could also ask the people who run it if you want a session, who is ok to ask.

I think honesty in this case is the best option.  Talking to your S.O., and maybe even taking them along is a good idea, even if it is just to mingle and watch.  I have been to the dungeon with my husband, who doesn’t participate; and also with my slave, who does.  I also have gone with both. 

You can learn a lot, most people there are more than willing to talk and share what they can.  Dungeons often also offer classes and demonstrations.

To find a public dungeon near you, you can either Google it, or better yet, go into Fetlife, and look for events in your area.  When going into Fetlife, be very careful, many predators roam that place.  If strangers message you, just delete, you don’t owe them anything!  I like the anonymity of FB.  In Fetlife, people can figure out where I live and which dungeon I go to.  It would be so easy for some stalked to find you.  Please be safe above all.

Once you locate a public dungeon (I don’t recommend private ones.  You never know who is in running it or what happens in there).  Then look up their rules and etiquette, find out when they have classes, that is the best way to ask questions and meet people.

If you are concerned about people hitting on you, I can say, that doesn’t happen much in those places.  It is not a bar, people usually have manners.  Most dungeons have dungeon Masters who watch out for the guests.  Since most Dom/mes or Master/Mistress know etiquette, they will nor approach a collared sub/slave.  You can wear a collar if you would like to be left alone.  Some dungeons have protection collars available for nervous single people.  You can also talk to the people who run the dungeon, and explain that you are new, and nervous.  They usually will be happy to help guide you in the right direction.

*Note:  Don’t forget that if you are going to play with someone, you both need to sit some place and go over limits and safe words.  The Dom/me should show the sub the toys that will be used as well.  If you ever call your safe-word (loud please) and the Dom/me doesn’t stop, the Dungeon Masters or the other Dom/mes will stop the session and remove the Dom/me.  That is a huge infraction in the BDSM community and should never happen.   This is what makes it an ideal place to have BDSM fun, because you are not alone.

Get out there, look around learn, have fun, but please do not forget common sense.

~Sam

Be Yourself

Be Yourself

I suspect many men are submissive, but are afraid to accept it, because they think it makes them look weak. So they may try to experience some of it on the side, as if it doesn't really count. I think they should be more honest with themselves and others.

It is perfectly fine to be a submissive male; there is nothing to be ashamed of. I know that while I roam Facebook, I do not see male subs at all. I know they are around, because I have spoken to a few, but they don’t like to speak up. I am not speaking of switches in this case, switches are fortunate enough to be more flexible and adaptable.

Apparently the pressures of society for men to be strong, and be the dominant types, are strong enough to force the submissive ones into hiding.

I am not the one to follow the crowd or fit a mold, I am who I want to be. I noticed before I had my own group, that when I commented in BDSM groups, people cringe at the thought of me not being submissive like the other women. Each time I posted something about my sub, nobody would comment, seems they avoided me. Even now, I belong in a group that isn’t mine, there people argue with me, because they see me as cruel and unreasonable. They fail to understand that I don’t have to be whoever THEY expect me to be. I have been accused of emasculating, at least twice, once by a counselor I was going to. I do not see many Dominant women on Facebook, the ones I see seem fake and sometimes can’t even spell Domme. I have seen a few female switches that want to call themselves Dominant, but seem to do it for the title only.

What is going on is not right. We should all feel free to be who we are and be proud of who we are. A submissive is not weak; it takes so much strength, courage and self assurance to be able to trust someone else. It takes a lot of inner strength to let someone else have all control. It takes so much love and incredible trust.

It is big step for a man to confide in a woman (or man) they trust and tell them their deepest fantasies, talk about their dark side, and be honest about it.

I don’t like to read in some posts, that a man who starts out being Dominant in a relationship, and then starts sneaking up. They seem to ask their female sub to switch, just once. But then again and again, until the power exchange in the relationship is so skewed that is unrecognizable. It is sad, because sometimes the submissive is not happy being Dominant. Being a submissive, a Dominant, a switch, a little etc. It has to be in your heart, you cannot “make” a person into what you want them to be. And you should not let others make you into something you didn’t want to be in the first place.

Being something you are not takes a toll on you in the long run. In a D/s relationship, both Dom/me and sub are to grow, blossom, spread their wings and reach their potential. I believe that entering a relationship with the hidden agenda of trying to change the other person, is a bad way to begin. Honesty and integrity should be the basis for a relationship, not illusions and smoke screens. I understand that some people change with time, but I have a hard time believing that someone would be a Dominant at heart, and suddenly become a submissive. I am sure it can happen, but in that case, the person who changed cannot expect their partner to change as well, to fit them. This means changing your personality completely to the other extreme. You cannot strong-arm someone into changing their essence, their soul, their heart. It is unreasonable, and it could suffocate their spirit and crush their soul, even as they try their best to change to make you happy. That breeds resentment and cannot last.

I strongly suggest that you find yourself, come to terms with who you truly are, and ditch the preconceived notions of society. Do not worry about labels and what others think, they do not affect you unless you allow them. People on Facebook, people in society, they are not looking for your best interest, most will just see you as entertainment. The only people I do suggest you keep in mind, is your employer, you should just keep your private life private, away from the work place. Those people CAN affect your life. But be sure that the people you are trying to impress actually matter in your life. You should be trying to be the best you can be, for yourself and your loved ones. Who cares about labels! It is much more important to be honest, with yourself and your loved ones.

Be proud of being who you are, be honest, love yourself the way you are. That is a good start.

~Sam

Posting just for fun..

Posting just for fun..

Breath Play

By Sam Marie


I want to share something I learned. I acknowledge that I was wrong in the way I was doing this. It is fun and can give us an incredible rush. But it is a subject that is seldom talked about in detail, in regards to the technique.

Breath play doesn’t mean you can use a rope, a belt a stocking to choke someone, or just put your hands on their neck and squeeze. We can cause some serious damage to a person if we are not careful.

So, I asked someone knowledgeable on the subject to please explain to me how it is done correctly. He has years of experience in martial arts and in BDSM.

He showed me by demonstrating, and even trying it on me so I can see how it feels. Then I tried it on a volunteer.







The best way to explain one method is by showing a picture of something similar.

Place one arm around the neck, but the other arm won’t look like this, it will be behind the subject’s head in an angle, and gently pushing forward. Squeeze flexing the arm muscles, but keep an eye on your subject, make sure they are still doing ok. It should be a few seconds, you could count to 5 and release.

Later on in play you will be able to tell if you can extend the time in small increments. Be careful, because this is restricting the blood flow to the brain.

The arm that is not around the neck in the picture is the right arm, place it higher across, behind the head, in the same angle seen in the picture. Gently push the person forward with it.

I like to do it for the feeling of it, the power behind it. I am not trying to strangle my sub, I am trying to give him a quick rush, and I like to do it from the front. Looking at the neck, please observe where the arteries are, and where the airway is. You should not squeeze anything on the neck. You can grab the person upwards pressing more under the jaw. That will help give the person the feeling of being restrained by the neck, but in a safe manner.

So place the hand in this manner, but don’t squeeze the neck, push up, and most of the pressure should be along the top edge of your hand against the jaw and not on the neck.






Here is what NOT to do:

Strangulation

“A ligature such as a belt or rope around the neck, or hands or arm pressure on the neck compresses the internal carotid artery. Apart from the direct restriction of blood to the brain there are two other significant responses produced by pressing on the neck:

· Pressing on the carotid arteries also presses on baroreceptors. These bodies then cause vasodilatation (dilation (widening) of the blood vessels) in the brain leading to insufficient blood to perfuse the brain with oxygen and maintain consciousness.

· A message is also sent via the vagus nerve to the main pacemaker of the heart to decrease the rate and volume of the heartbeat, typically by a third.[7] In some cases there is evidence that this may escalate into asystole, a form of cardiac arrest that is difficult to treat.[8] There is a dissenting view on the full extent how and when a person reaches a stage of permanent injury, but it is agreed[by whom?] that pressure on the vagus nerve causes changes to pulse rate and blood pressure and is dangerous in cases ofcarotid sinus hypersensitivity.

This method is responsible for most, but not all, of the reported fatalities.

The method is especially dangerous when practiced alone. Involuntary movements can lead to head trauma and other injuries. If standing, loss of consciousness can result in substantial head trauma through falling. In the event that consciousness is not immediately regained, medical help cannot be sought by a third party, observer, or friend. If the administration of CPR or basic life support is needed due to respiratory or cardiac arrest, help would not be available or quickly summonable when unconscious or not breathing. Also this act could be mistaken for suicide when practiced alone, but accidentally observed by a stranger, to whom the motivation behind the apparent 'strangulation' is not known.






"Self-induced hypocapnia


The second mechanism requires hyperventilation (forced overbreathing) until symptoms of hypocapnia such as tingling, light-headedness or dizziness are felt, followed by a breath-hold. This alone is enough to cause a blackout, but it is widely believed that the effect is enhanced if lung air pressure is increased by holding the breath "hard" or "bearing down" (tightening the diaphragm as in a forced exhalation while allowing no air to escape or having an assistant apply a bear-hug).[9] These latter actions may augment the effects of hypoxia by approximating the Valsalva maneuver, causing vagal stimulation.


The hyperventilation leads to an excessive elimination of carbon dioxide (CO2) whereas no significant additional amounts of oxygen can be stocked in the body. As only carbon dioxide is responsible for the breathing stimulus, after hyperventilation, breath can be held longer until cerebral hypoxia occurs. The blood also becomes abnormally alkaline as a result of the excessive elimination of carbon dioxide; this subsequent rise in blood pH is termed alkalosis. Alkalosis interferes with normal oxygen utilization by the brain. The symptoms of alkalosis are neuromuscular irritability, muscular spasms, tingling and numbness of the extremities and around the mouth, and a dizziness, or giddiness, often interpreted as a sense of euphoria.


In the body alkalosis generally induces vasodilatation (widening of the blood vessels) but in the brain alone it causes vasoconstriction (narrowing of the blood vessels). This vasoconstriction appears to be made even worse by a sudden increase in blood pressure caused by squeezing or holding the breath "hard". The alkalosis-induced euphoria can be followed rapidly by hypoxia-induced unconsciousness. The sequence of events leading to unconsciousness from hyperventilation is as follows[citation needed]:


1. Decrease in partial pressure of alveolar CO2.

2. Decrease in partial pressure of arterial CO2.

3. Increase in blood pH, (respiratory alkalosis).

4. Vasoconstriction of blood vessels supplying brain.

5. Pooling of the blood present in the brain at the time.

6. Brain rapidly uses up oxygen (O2) available in the pooled blood.

7. O2 concentration in the brain drops.

8. Unconsciousness from hypoxia of cerebral tissue.

Because the brain cannot store reserves of oxygen and, unlike other organs, has an exceedingly low tolerance of oxygen deprivation, it is highly vulnerable if vasoconstriction is not reversed. Normally, if the brain is hypoxic, autonomous systems in the body divert blood to the brain at the expense of other organs; because the brain is vasoconstricted this mechanism is not available. Vasoconstriction is only reversed by the build-up of carbon dioxide in the blood through suspension of breathing.

In some versions the bear-hug is replaced by pressure on the neck in which case blackout is a hybrid of strangulation and self-induced hypocapnia." (Wikipedia)

References:

Copied the portions about strangulation and self induced hypocapnia from Wikipedia.