A Happy Deviant

An abnormal psychology paper...

In this paper we will talk about what Abnormal Psychology is and how it works, it will also contain information explaining how some of the theoretical models advanced the study of abnormal psychology.

Abnormal Psychology studies abnormal behavior in people. We see people every day, some of their behaviors are common and others not so much. We as regular people can say a behavior is abnormal, if it is unlike ours, but there is a more precise definition. There are six core concepts in abnormal psychology: context, continuum, relativism, advantages and limitations of the diagnosis, multiple casualty, connection between body and mind. (Hansell, & Damour, 2008, Chap. 1). This all means that when inspecting a behavior we must consider some important points.

Let us look at the fact that the DSM-5 has updated the specifications for paraphilic disorders. It went through a 14 year revision and was printed last year. This portion encompasses many sexual disorders. The criteria for a sexual disorder now ways that

1) “(People with atypical sexual interest) feel personal distress about their interest, not

merely distress resulting from society’s disapproval; or

2) Have a sexual desire or behavior that involves another person’s psychological distress, injury, or death, or a desire for sexual behaviors involving unwilling persons or persons unable to give legal consent”. (American Psychiatric Publishing, 2013)

If a man, Frank, likes to wear women’s underwear and it gives him sexual pleasure to do so, how

do we determine if his behavior is abnormal? Well first we take in account context. What are the circumstances? Do they have a special meaning for him? Do they belong to someone he loves? If he was a woman would this behavior be abnormal? (Hansell, & Damour, 2008 Chap. 1, ).

Next we will look at the continuum between abnormal and normal behavior. When does his behavior become abnormal. People wear underwear, so does the frequency in which he wears women’s panties matter? We all wear underwear, but if we are aroused by wearing it, and talking about to our co-workers, then it has become inappropriate. So going from the scale of normal to abnormal, we can find where this fetish lies by asking Frank a few more questions.

Another point that we must consider is the cultural and historical relativism. Historically, women have been wearing dresses for centuries, and just in the last century, women started wearing men’s clothes: pants. It was unheard of in the 1800s that a woman would to that, and in the 1900s it was acceptable. So do present times allow the style of men wearing women’s underwear? According to Bryan Levandowsky, it is starting to become a trend.

The issue with abnormal Psychology is the reliability and validity of the processes used to diagnose patients. Now in the case of Frank, he might be happy with his fetish and enjoy it just fine at home and wearing panties under his dress suit to work, he is not affecting anyone. If he is diagnosed as having a sexual disorder, the label itself might cause some very real issues. He then may need therapy because now he would be worried about his sanity. The label placed on someone who would in that case be considered mentally ill is a heavy burden for most people. (Hansell, & Damour, 2008, Chap. 1).

The principle of multiple casualty tells us that there may be more than one thing causing this behavior. Meaning that it is possible that Frank was raised in a particular way that made him have a special affection for panties, and then some second reason, that could possibly be that they belong to his girlfriend and therefore smell like her. So there may be more than one cause to his behavior. (Hansell, & Damour, 2008 Chap. 1).

The concept of body and mind tells us that there are other issues that can be considered. Maybe Frank has a hormonal imbalance that makes him feel more feminine than he would if he didn’t have that. Maybe he is taking medication that changes his moods, or makes him feel the inclination towards wearing these type of clothes. (Hansell, & Damour, 2008 Chap. 1).

The concepts covered are the basics of abnormal psychology. These are all considered when diagnosing a mental illness based on a person’s abnormal behavior. The good news is that the DSM-V changed through time. It has been reviewed and evaluated very carefully. So that Frank’s love for women’s panties might now be more acceptable. In the past it is possible that he would have had to hide his love of panties in fear of being diagnosed as having a sexual deviance, and therefore a mental disorder. But now, things have changed, and the DSM-5 says that if Frank is happy with his fetish, and he is not feeling distress about it he is ok. And furthermore, he is not hurting anyone and nobody is being subjected to his fetish against their will. He is not breaking any law and he is happy. So according to the DSM-5, Frank is not mentally ill, and his behavior is not cause for a diagnosis of a sexual deviance. (American Psychiatric Publishing, 2013)

By Sam Marie
January 21, 2014


References

American Psychiatric Publishing (2013) “Paraphilic Disorders”, Obtained from:http://www.dsm5.org/Documents/Paraphilic%20Disorders%20Fact%20Sheet.pdf
Bryan Lewandowsky, (2012) The Underwear Expert, “Trend Report: Lace Underwear for Men?”, Obtained from:
http://www.underwearexpert.com/2012/07/trend-report-lace-underwear-for-men/
Meyer, R., Chapman, L. K., & Weaver, C. M. (2009). Case studies in abnormal behavior.(8th
ed.). Boston, MA: Pearson/Allyn & Bacon

50 Shades of Red

When we talk with people about pain, we usually learn that most people like to avoid it. It seems to be an unpleasant experience for most people. This paper will talk about the people who are wired differently and are actually attracted by experiencing pain. What motivates them to seek this extreme sensation? We will also explore what they seek to gain from the experience emotionally, physically and physiologically.

Motivation is very strong when you are looking for some type of activity that makes us feel good, especially the types that appeal to the Id. According to Freud this is the more basic instincts that functions on seeking pleasure. (Deckers, L (2010)) From this point on, will now refer to this pain experience as BDSM (Bondage, Dominance/Submission, Sadism, Masochism), because this activity encompasses the pain experience that I will speak of. We will explore what the effects of these activities have on the people practicing them. They can vary widely, but we will look into the emotional, physiological and physical and psychological aspects.

The motivations are many. Newsweek magazine had an article on this and they said that many career women work too much. They have so much responsibility and many are in charge of other employees and therefore have more pressure, and stress. When they are done for the day, they like to unwind. But it has been found that they some of them like to go somewhere where they can relinquish all control to another person. So they go find someone who will dominate them for a set amount of time on an agreed set of experiences. We will discuss them in detail later (Roiphe 2012). Other people are motivated by feelings. The physical need for touch has been reported by many professional Dommes (Female dominants). They talk about how many of their clients are so touch starved in their daily lives and sometimes they just want to be touched a lot. Other Dommes report that the clients like to talk about things they can’t talk with their wives about, and they are happy to pay less than it would cost for therapy. Other clients like to be held. But for the most part, they like to feel pain, sometimes humiliation as well (Lindemann 2011). I personally found some information by talking to a group I belong to. This is a group of people who practice these activities in their own homes, and live this lifestyle. While talking with them, I found that being spanked as a child, or having other kind of trauma doesn’t make a difference in their preferences. Out of a group of about 75, I had equal responses as to who was spanked as a child or hit with other objects. Yes and no answers were just about the same. Therefore in this group, being spanked or punished as a child doesn’t seem to have an influence in their love for BDSM behavior in adulthood.

The emotional effects that “sessions” may have for people can be very different for each person. Some Dommes had reported that the clients ask to be punished for something they did. They want atonement, and this makes them feel better once they are done being punished. Punishment is administered in different forms. Sometimes it comes in the form of spankings or with a whip, a flogger, a switch or any of the many other tools available in a dungeon. Others clients report that feeling the pain helps them release much of stress and tension they carry with them, as if a great weight is lifted off of them. Sessions also help the clients discover more about themselves and learn more about their likes and dislikes. Sometimes they find they have certain fetishes. In the outside world they are expected to act a certain way and be a certain way. But in this setting they are allowed to be who they are and their likes, as strange as can be, are mostly accepted and even explored further. For example, an attorney wears a suit to work, and acts as it is expected by society. He would be able to go home and act as a husband and/or father would be expected to act. But on his time off, he may like to have the Domme dress him as a little boy and spank him. This would not be acceptable in the outside world, but in that setting it is perfectly fine. It has been reported that this acceptance of the person as is helps the person grow stronger and more self-accepting. (Lindemann, 2011).

It is easy to understand for people like the one in this example, how he has to be the one in charge all day at work. He has to be strong assertive and quick or lose out and get trampled. When he is home he is expected to be the head of the household (in most common cases) and take care of his family. He needs to be strong and be their rock, which means he spends his life showing no weaknesses for the most part. This can tire someone out, and wouldn’t it be just fine to relinquish control of everything? Leave his life on pause for an hour or two? Live in the moment, literally, feel something so extreme that it makes you feel like you are not even in this world anymore. It would be like taking a mini-vacation from life.

Physical effects are somewhat obvious: Pain in different parts of the body and different temporary marks from the tools used in the session. The Dommes who inflict this pain are trained to know how to inflict pain to the levels desired without causing real or permanent damage to the client. The pain levels vary from person to person and depend on pain tolerances of each individual. Sometimes as was mentioned above there is little or no pain involved, other times the pain requested may be intense. It is always something that is agreed upon before the beginning of the session.

Now the physiological effects are what attract people the most. The feeling of being totally helpless, not having control takes away the responsibility off the shoulders of the client (or in non-professional settings, the submissive) and puts it on the shoulders of the Dom/me. That leaves the submissive to focus on the feelings of the pain received. When they receive pain to a certain intensity, the brain will release endorphins that give that person the feeling of being “high”.

“Endorphins also cause the release of dopamine, so, here, we may have a pain-pleasure connection: although the endorphins would make getting the orgasm more difficult, the pleasure with or without orgasm would be greater.” (Zule, 2009)

In conclusion, with such powerful motivations that reach into our innermost animalistic
instincts of seeking pleasure, combined with other motivators, such as seeking stress release and sometimes just being able to live in the moment, it is easy to see why some people will participate in such activities. Once the person in a session as a submissive, and starts feeling the “rush” of adrenaline, the feeling of being high, all the while feeling that it is “OK” because they are not in charge anymore; it is then that they get “hooked”. They keep searching for that same “high”, that same feeling over and over. It defies logic but when you see the whole picture, and hopefully after reading this short paper, it will make some sense. After reviewing some research, it is evident that the Dommes interviewed have many happy returning clients. The Dommes themselves see that some of these clients, they have changed, they have become more assertive and secure within themselves, they grow with the experience. (Lindemann, 2011)



Written by, Sam Marie
November 23, 2013


References:

Deckers, L (2010) Motivation: Biological, Psychological and Environmental (3rd ed). Boston:
Pearson/Allyn & B
Lindemann, Danielle (2011) Sexualities, BDSM as therapy?, Sage Publications,
Retrieved from University of Phoenix Library with an online link:
http://sex.sagepub.com/content/14/2/151acon
Roiphe, Katie (April 23 &30, 2012) The Fantasy Life or Working Women, Newsweek (24-28)
Zule (November 4, 2009) Cuadernos de BDSM, BDSM Canarias.
Retrieved from: http://www.bdsmcanarias.es/cuadernos/CuadernosBDSM1.pdf
(English version) http://brainmeta.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=21395

Letter to those new to BDSM

I write to those of you in a hurry to fall into BDSM like you would fall into a comfy couch.  This is not a fit-all lifestyle and it is not instant.

A perfect Dom who is a gentleman with a streak of prince charming doesn't come in a cake mix box, ready to go.  And you cannot convert your husband or significant other into one by forcing it onto him either.  Don’t be in a hurry to follow the crowd. 

A collar is not something you go shopping for, and wear to show off to your friends like a fashion statement. 

These things are things that we in the lifestyle work hard for and cherish.  I want to tell you what it means to us when we see people rush into things.

If you don’t take the time to learn about the lifestyle, if you hop into it and throw yourself at a stranger, it makes the lifestyle look like a game to others.  And if taken as a game, it can be a dangerous one.

Imagine drinking with friends, and while you have been drinking vodka you want to impress your friends and decide to try and hop over a bon fire.  It’s not worth your life, your health or even your mental health.  You may end up with a broken heart, but it can be much worse.  You could end up chained in a basement somewhere, or worse, dead in some back alley.  I beg of you new ones to take this seriously, this is your life.

So, rant over, now I want to say that, first of all you should decide what you want.  If you want playtime, you can go do a dungeon, where you are safer, and there are dungeon masters watching.  It works well when all you want is pain for recreational purposes.  Yes pain is awesome, but you must find someone who is safe and knows what he/she is doing.  You should make sure to go over your limits and safe-words.  You should buy your own toys and bring them with you to the dungeon.  When I play with others, they usually bring their own floggers and canes or paddles.  It is unsanitary to use toys on different people unless you are certain they were disinfected.  No biggie if you are not drawing blood, but still safer.

            If you want a relationship with Kink, you can find someone with similar interests.  Build a relationship first, and go slow.   The relationship must be a strong one before jumping forward.  You could start with S&M first.  In this case there is no power exchange, just kinky sex.  You can take small steps.  This then may develop into BDSM later on.  But the best way to ensure this relationship lasts, you need to spend time reinforcing it.  I mean all aspects, not just kink.  Spend time getting to really know each other outside the bedroom.

Once you have some time within that relationship you can start worrying about a collar, but first you must build a strong foundation.  If you want to build a home, would you want it to have a strong foundation so it lasts? Or will you slap some plywood together and hope for the best?

Please cover all your bases and make sure you keep yourself safe.  Do not be afraid to say no to something that doesn't feel right.  Do not be afraid to back out of a situation that seems off for the fear of upsetting someone.  You need to take care of you, and not worry about other people’s feelings.  Because once you are bound, you can’t help yourself.  You might be screaming your safe word, but who will hear you?  Do you trust the so called Dom you found to stop when you call that word?  What makes you think he will?  What if he gets carried away?  Remember that you need immense trust in the other person to let them bind you.  Value yourself, do not just give yourself away to just anyone.

I strongly suggest you set up a safe call.  Have a friend on standby.  Leave the address where you will be at, with them.   Message them at the agreed at times with a code that tells them you are OK.  If they do not receive your message, they can call you.  But keep in mind that if you are bound, and possibly gagged, you won’t be able to answer.  If they feel you are in trouble they can send the police.  (In the worst case)  You can set this up with your friend as you see fits you best.

Research and  learn; never stop learning.  (Make sure you are learning from a good source though). Be patient and take it easy, please do not be overeager.  I know we live in a world of instant gratification, but this is not something to take lightly. 

Be safe, have fun.

~Sam

Knives

Within the BDSM world, there are many types of play.  You may need to sit down and think of things you never really considered, but would love to try.  One of my favorites is

knife play.

There are many types of ways to include knives in playtime. 

Always remember first and foremost that BDSM has to be Safe, Sane and Consensual.

When playing with knives, it is my choice to play it extra safe.  I take many precautions.  What I like about knife play is the psychological portion. 

In this case, I am writing about my way, my opinions.  Yours and others may differ.

A knife can cause shivers when it is flipped open right in front of your sub, after he/she is tied up and cannot move.  It is something that can cause a rush of adrenaline, just by the mere thought of what it might do. 

You can place the knife in ice for a moment, and it can give an amazing sensation to the sub when the tip is run up and down their skin.  When running the tip on them, I suggest holding the knife blade up or sideways, to avoid unwanted cuts.  Lightly running it over different and sensitive body parts can be a thrill.  Just keep reminding your sub to not move, they must trust you and not move at all. 

Now if you are more adventurous and want to try a rape scene for example; I suggest taping the sharp blade edge with some duct tape.  This is to avoid an accident while moving fast or if the sub struggles or moves suddenly.  When doing something like that, things can go wrong very fast if you do not take precautions.  If you flash the knife in half-light, they will not be able to tell there is duct tape on it.  Trust me, I used pink Hello Kitty duct tape on mine, and in the half-light, the sub is confused and doesn't notice the tape.  You can then either hold the dull end to their throat (do not press, because you can damage the vocal cords).  Or you can run the tip along the body, where you think would cause more shivers.  Remember, this is for psychological effect, not to cause real damage.

Always Please  keep a phone nearby and a first aid kit in case of an emergency.  Knives are fun, but can also cause unintended real harm.  Always negotiate things that will happen in a scene before you start, NEVER surprise someone with a knife without discussing it before the scene.

Have fun, stay safe.

~Sam

Bunny Surprise

I woke up this morning and found that my husband had left for work, but in the place he would be occupying on the bed was a small box wrapped in the comics section of the newspaper.  It had a piece of brown rope tied around it and a sticky note on the top of the box.

I looked at the note and saw that it was signed by hubby.  It said that, this is a new toy for us to have fun with.  He said I should try it, and then keep it nearby so he can use it on me that night when he returns from work.

I tore through the wrappings and was surprised by what I saw.  It was a glass dildo, shaped with a little curve that was sure to reach a G-spot and little bunny ears on the small end.  I took out the small bullet that came with it and placed in the loop under the ears.

I was still a little groggy, but this seemed to promise me a good wake up.  I turned on the remote and discovered that it had several settings.  It also had a little light that lights up as it vibrates and pulses depending on the speeds.

I got up, turned on some music to wake up to and grabbed the lube.  Settled in bed and tried this bunny out.  It was out of this world!

I had a great wake up moment, and could hardly wait to have hubby use it when he gets home.  I suggest taking out the bullet and placing it where it works best for you.

I believe I just found my best buddy, who would have thought a glass rabbit would get you hot, wet and

Sweaty?

When hubby got home, I had dinner ready, but also was freshly showered and wearing only my lace panties.  He came in, gave me a once over glance, nodded and went to the bedroom.  He returned just to ask me to put dinner on hold, and get my butt in there.  I put the food in the oven and headed to the bedroom.  I had left the glass bunny on the bed, next to the box.

He had lit some candles and turned off the light, it gave the room a soft warm glow.  He then had me lay down and cuffed my wrists to the brass headboard, “click, click”.  Once I heard that, I started becoming wet in anticipation of what was to come. 

He then poured some warm oil and rubbed it all over me, it smelled delicious!  Then I saw the glimmer of the glass bunny in the dim glow of the candle light, as he held it up for me to see.  

This bunny is very well made, and the first vibrating glass toy made.  It is $72.00, I will ship for free if you tell me you saw it in this blog.  

If you would like to order a bunny of your own, message Sam Marie here:

E-mail

The Purpose

I have noticed lately in groups online that the purpose of a submissive has been lost.  It is sad to see advertisements in the Classifieds asking for a Dom.  Subs saying they need a Dom that can take care of them, pamper them, love them and take care of their needs.  Some even go as far as explaining that they don’t like to be told what to do and are not looking for a sadist.

Well I am saddened by it because they forget that the main purpose of a sub/slave is to serve their Master/Mistress.  Their goal is to please, and do as they are ordered.  Yes I said it, and I will go further, it took my vanilla husband to remind me that my slave is to OBEY me.  I also forgot that myself, because life gets in the way and we forget.  We do not live with a slave at our feet, and the slave isn’t always chained to a bed.  This is real life and we must adjust because we are not in a fantasy novel.

So what is this?  A sub is to obey, serve, please and be loyal.  A Master/Mistress is to help the sub grow and reach their potential.  They can reward the sub, but above all they will treat the sub as their most prized possession.  That doesn’t mean a Master/Mistress is there to wait on the sub hand and foot and pamper and coddle them.  A Master/Mistress will give the sub tasks to perform in order to help them.  And while we speak of tasks, an online “Dom” asking a sub to insert things in their various orifices and send pictures is not a task, it is a sad excuse of some dude trying to get off without going to a porn site.  How does that make a sub a better person?  Seriously, if you don’t believe me, try it.  A task maybe would be taking picture of a part of their body they dislike.  A task may be to say hello to a stranger, or buy someone coffee to help them with their shyness.  Or write a list of what she eats each day if she has issues with eating healthy.  Seeing the list may help her re evaluate her junk food habits.  Maybe she is overweight and needs motivation, so a Master/Mistress may have her post a picture of her goal size on the fridge, and go to the gym three times a week. 

What the sub does is what he/she is told to do, in order to please her Master/Mistress.  That may entail a wake up call in the mornings, checking in during the day.  It might be greeting him when he gets home, or reminding him of his meetings.  A submissive at heart would be more than happy to do things to please his/her Master/Mistress because it is in their nature. 

BDSM may or may not involve pain, the S & M part is optional, and many people adjust their settings when it comes to their individual relationships.  But what I see in those ads is someone is looking for a sugar daddy, and that is very different than a Daddy Dom.  If it is not in their heart to think of others, and is only thinking of herself and what she gets out of it, then it isn’t good.

A D/s relationship is a power exchange relationship.  One person relinquishes all or some power to another, depending on what they agreed on.  But even though it is that way, both the Dominant and the submissive reap benefits.  I just find it odd that a submissive would demand those benefits without even thinking of what she has to offer.  Both people are thinking of the other, the Dom looks for the best interest of the sub, and the sub takes care of their Dom/me’s needs.  It does go both ways even though the power has been exchanged.  This is when a contract comes in handy; everyone’s rights and responsibilities are listed there in black and white.

A submissive is a strong person, and can speak up, but in a respectful manner.  They don’t demand things or speak ill of their Master/Mistress.  The actions and behavior of a sub reflects on a Master/Mistress.  If you go to a dungeon with your Master/Mistress and do not act respectful or start whining, demanding things or acting a fool, it makes the Master/Mistress look like he/she failed to train the sub properly and can be terribly embarrassing.  That is just an example; this also means that when online a sub/slave should act in a way that makes their Master/Mistress proud.  They do this by showing that they are learning, improving themselves, not causing drama and gossip, and definitely not speaking ill of their Dominant.  This doesn’t mean they cannot ask for advice and ask questions, it can be done respectfully.  Asking questions is part of learning, when a person stops asking questions, it means they lost interest.

It is also a wise thing to do when just meeting a new Dominant, online or in person.  It is very important to ask questions about them and to them.  Do not trust anyone who says you cannot ask about them.  It would be ideal to meet or talk to their friends and make sure the person has a somewhat good reputation.  I know, it would be biased since they are friends, but it’s a start.  Remember, when starting up a D/s relationship, think of it as a regular relationship and take the same safety measures you would take.  If you are looking at someone to be your Dominant, you can research, he/she cannot tell you not to, you should not have offered your submission to them unless you know they are safe and you trust them.

I hope this explains at least the very basics of what the purpose of a sub/slave is.

~Sam

EDUCATION

I have been watching things go by online and I encountered something in one of my groups that got my feathers very ruffled. 

As the post was going by, I couldn’t believe what I read.  A sub was saying that his Dom seemed to have done something that she thought was odd, so we all started talking to her and it became clear to me that he didn’t know how to be a Dom.  I pointed that out, and kindly suggested that he try to educate himself on the subject of BDSM.   I also mentioned that it would be a good idea for him to find a mentor who could guide him.  Her response was that he is very likely not going to do that, he didn’t believe in learning, he thought he already knew what he needed to know.

Now seeing this from my point of view, I believe that in the case of BDSM, ignorance can be very dangerous, especially from someone who is supposed to be in charge of another person.

How can someone put their life in the hands of another, if that other has no idea what he/she is doing Even though I didn’t know the rest of the story, this statement had frightened me. 

People may think, “this is easy, I can play too!”  But STOP and think first. 

-Did you know that choking someone by squeezing the neck can cause irreversible damage to the vocal cords?  You can crush the larynx, you could restrict the oxygen to the brain for too long and cause brain damage.  There are so many things that look fun, but can cause severe injuries if not done carefully and properly.  There is a way to choke someone for fun, in a safe way.  I had to learn that too at one point; but I would not have tried anything that extreme without knowing how to do it safely. 

-Did you know that by slapping someone on the face hard, you can cause brain bruising.  And that if you continue doing this, (day in, day out) you can cause brain damage?  You don’t believe me?  Talk to a retired boxer.

-Did you know that after flogging someone for some time, when they hit subspace and come down; if you throw cold water at them trying to force them back, you can send them into shock?

Here is an example of a date night with some dude you just met:

You can think you have your date with your new “Dom to be”.  You have met him and liked him. You have gone over limits and safe-words, you have set up a friend who you can call in case you need help.  You can take a lot of safety steps. 

Now think of the reality of it.  You are going out with a man you barely know, and you have no idea who taught him what he knows.  He told you he is a Dom, but do you know who mentored him?  Where did he learn BDSM from?  A reputable book? Porn movies? Fantasy Novels? 

You get to the hotel room, and he has you undress and starts using rope to tie you r wrists behind your back.  Do you know that if he ties you too tight or wrong, he can cause nerve damage or skin necrosis?  No, you won’t feel a thing, but later you can see the damage and it’s too late.  Well now your wrists are tied and your ankles are tied.  He blindfolds you and gags you.  He starts hurting you in miscellaneous ways, and then you find that he is trying to do something you didn’t agree upon.  Now, how do you call your friend?  How do you use your safe-word? How will you scream?  In the worst case, he gets on top of you, and your face is now buried in the pillow.  He has no way of knowing he needs to check on you and continues to have his fun while you begin suffocating.  You try to scream but all he hears is groans and figures you are having fun.  Then you stop breathing.   While it wasn’t his intention, the consequences can be terrible.

If he only would have taken the time to learn how to tie properly, how to use implements without causing real damage, how to make sure you are ok, how to use a safe-word when gagged.   If only he would have learned how to be safe, it could have been avoided.

I am just presenting this to illustrate in a simple way why education is so important. 

A Dom/me’s priority is his/her sub’s safety and well being. 

There is so much to being a Dom, slapping a title on yourself isn’t enough.  A Dom/me is what a sergeant is to a private.  What a father is to a child. He leads, helps guides, loves nurtures and protects the sub.  A Dom/me is not one of those men online that think that bullying people to do what he wants is all it takes.  A Dom/me should educate him/her self in order to be the best he/she can be for the sub.   A person who thinks they know it all is a dangerous person and should be avoided.

My slave is my precious possession.  I will always continue reading, learning, improving myself.  If I have no ambition, how can I expect him to have any?  If I don’t care enough for him to continue learning and growing as a person, then I have no business having a slave.  A slave looks up to their Dom/me; therefore the Dom/me should lead by example.  Nobody is perfect, but we can strive to improve.  We “Dom/mes” are not perfect, we are only human.  But we can be the best we can be because, trust is not demanded, it is earned. 

A Dom/me should act in a way that is deserving of a sub’s dedication, loyalty and service.  Just as much as a sub should work on being the best submissive he/she can be to make their Dom/me proud and reflect positively on him/her. 

My best advice when meeting someone new, is to meet at a public dungeon.  A fake Dom will stand out like a sore thumb in there, and you can tell how to proceed from there. If he is honest and says he is new and needs to learn, what better place.  Most people in dungeons are willing to help others, and teach them.  We don’t know it all, but we are glad to share what we have learned. 

Besides that, since sometimes it’s not possible to go to a dungeon.  It is good to introduce them to educational BDSM groups online, or ask others in the lifestyle with experience to help mentor. Maybe even ask for book recommendations, but I think talking to someone with experience is the best route.

I think that the best way of protecting ourselves is education, for subs, but most of all for the Dom/mes.  A Dom/me is the one holding the sub/slave’s life in their hands.  I have not even started to go into the sub’s psychological aspect.  All I will say now, and yes I am repeating it.  People are not toys!  You can seriously mess someone up, physically and psychologically by treating BDSM like a game and people as toys.

Have fun, play hard, stay safe.

~Sam

Conflict Resolution Options in BDSM

 I have been reading some posts online about conflict.  It seems some people have an issue in which their partner is not interested in the BDSM lifestyle, or is interested only in one portion of it.   I have seen it to the extreme in which someone wants to end their marriage because their partner is not “Dominant enough”, or “not submissive enough”.  In this article, I want to approach this issue from the angle of conflict resolution.

Conflict is what happens when two or more people have a disagreement.  When people come face to face with conflict, their reaction to it can be different depending on their personalities.  One path people take is fighting; they come across aggressively because they feel it’s the safer way to argue their point to get what they want.  Others take the opposite route and submit; they give up what they want to avoid conflict.  This may later lead to resentment towards their partner.  Others may choose to escape, maybe by watching TV or playing games online so they can forget about the issue, but the issue is still there, lurking unresolved.   It may sometimes happen that a person takes the Opossum attitude, and they freeze up, and cannot go forward to try to reach a resolution.  We commonly refer to this as “shutting down”.

            The best way to deal with conflict is collaborative resolution.  This resolution contains three steps to be followed.  The first step is offering your suggestion.  Second step is examining the underlying concerns.  The third step is finding a mutually agreeable resolution (Heilter, 2012)

            Start by choosing  a good time to talk, you know your partner well, so you should be able to catch them in an approachable mood.  In my case, the best time is with some wine, soft music and a hot bath.  There is no distraction form TV or cell phone, no internet.  It mellows him out, and we can just talk.  When the time is right, present the issue at hand.  Make sure not to come across as accusing or cornering.  Instead of, “I want you to pay more attention to me.”  Or, “You never spend time with me!” Instead try, “I would like us to spend more time together because I love you, and I enjoy your company”.  The same issue was addressed, just in a different and less aggressive manner.  So state your suggestion on how to resolve the conflict and then ask him to do the same. 

            The second step:  Examine the underlying cause.  For example, the reason you want him to spend more time with you.  After that it is his turn, he can explain his side.  Listening is very important for both sides, and trying to understand the other side’s point of view.  The Third step is finding common ground.  What can you give up to help reach a nice middle ground, and what can he give up.  A little on each side can work wonders. (Heilter, 2012)

            And now we will take a look at the D/s side of things. I will present an example scenario:  You do everything around the house, make decisions and plan things. You want to be submissive, and be taken care of, or dominated completely, but your partner is not cooperating and seems un-interested.  Maybe you can make your plan on how to manage this.  Communication is very important; you can talk about how you feel, and ask him/her how he/she feels about it.  Living the lifestyle 24/7 is very difficult, especially when you may have a job and/or children.  We do not live in a Fairy Tale; this is real life, but there are so many ways you can still work it out. 

            Maybe you can take charge of all things in daily life during the day.  Plan a night on the weekend when you take a time out with your partner, and ask him/her to take charge for the evening.   This is much more manageable and less threatening or overwhelming.  D/s is hard work; it takes a lot to be dominant, even when it’s in your nature.  Takes time to learn and practice and plan, it also takes a lot of energy out of you.  Trying to do this all the time can be exhausting.

           

Take it slow in the beginning, he may like to tie you to the bed and cover you in baby oil, or he may want to use a violet wand on you, or other non-impact toys.  Floggers are awesome, but not for everyone, and might be intimidating for someone who is starting out.  If your partner wants to learn or see what it’s like, you both could find a dungeon nearby and visit.  Make sure to find out their rules and read about etiquette first, you both must read those before you attend.  When there, just walk around watch, learn and discuss what you see afterwards, to see what he likes and what he doesn’t like.   Talking to others also helps, online or at a munch.  Then you can find a compromise.  Keep in mind that if he is new to this, you might want to take baby steps.  Otherwise, you can overwhelm someone, and they will take the fleeing or Opossum options.

            Remember that we are all human.  When you take a vanilla person, and show them all the awesome things in books (or online) that dominants are supposed to do,  you may intimidate that person.   If that happened to me, I’d probably panic; I can’t transform myself into that awesome being! Keep in mind that a lot of what we read is exaggerated, some is fiction and a small portion is real life, and even then, it may be embellished.  Don’t believe all the things you read!   It is almost like a man showing his girl a porn film and asking her to be that.  She isn’t going to be very receptive because first of all, the girls in the films are models, and some of them can act.  It is not reality, and the expectations to measure up can make a girl run.  Please be reasonable on your expectations.

            Exercise patience and understanding.  Talk together and maybe you will discover that your partner might not start all out a Dom/me, but may start as a top by playing games in bed with you.  Like I had mentioned, baby oil, or maybe wax play, there are many fun options.  Even starting with tying your wrists with stockings, blindfolding you, then dusting you with honey dust and licking it all off.  These type of things may be a lot of fun and is less overwhelming for him/her.

            Then tailor the activities and the timing to your life and talk together.  You may have to take the initiative in communicating, suggesting, and planning initially.   I found a good way to find out what my sub wants, was by having him write in a blog.  He wrote a fictional short story about what he would like to experience in a play session.  He wrote it as if it was happening to him, and he did an amazing job.  It is a great way to communicate what you want.  Keep in mind that we Dominants can take what we like from it, and plan our playtime our way while keeping in mind the “wish list”.  I also ask him to write an “after action review” after playtime.  What went well, what needs improvement and what he might like to try next.

            I hope you all don’t give up too easy, try to communicate your wishes in the way that best works for you.  Don’t forget to ask your partner what his/her wishes are as well.  It is not about “what I want”, you have to take in account what he/she wants as well.  Listen to your partner and follow the three steps of collaborative conflict resolution. I wish you the best, and hope something good comes out of all of this.

            Now a personal question for those who have done this before: How did you get started?

Light spankings, a little bondage?

            For the new ones: Which activities do you think would be best for you to start with?

~Sam Marie

           

References:

Heitler, Susan, Ph.D., “Resolution Not Conflict, a Guide to Problem-Solving” (2012) from Psychology Today, Obtained from: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201211/what-makes-conflict-how-are-conflicts-resolved

SAFETY

I have been on Facebook for a while now, and what I see going by has me concerned.  It seems after people read some S&M novels or watched porn, they want a relationship involving BDSM. 

They are desperate to find a partner for this reason, and sometimes they will take whomever seems willing or resembles the picture they have in their mind.

People who are in a hurry to jump into a relationship with a stranger with a pretty screen name and a few good “Domly” lines are putting themselves in danger.  This is not a game, this is real life and the dangers are real.  An unprepared Dom/me can cause a lot of harm, physically and emotionally.

Just recently I saw a post in a group about a Domme (female dominant).  She calls herself a Domme, but she said she will never take in consideration what the sub wants.  She said it is all about her and her needs, not the sub’s.  She said she has been playing with subs for a while now and nobody has complained.  I wonder how much of that is true, being that people talk a lot of shit online, but seeing that made me cringe.  How many people will fall for someone with an abusive nature who just wants to use people as toys? 

When looking for a Dominant, you need to ask the right questions, get to know them.  And if their first lines are “kneel before me”, run.  Beware of red flags, please.  I saw a “Dom” ask someone in a personal adds group, “Send me some nude pictures of you, and I will consider you as a sub”.  That is just rude, disrespectful and asinine!  If they want to see porn, go to a porn site.  People in that group are looking for relationships, for a partner, even at times for a play partner, they are not looking to be used and disrespected.  

 Always remember, Web cam sex is not a way to prove you are a “true sub”.  It can be recorded without your knowledge, and spread around the internet.  Nude pictures of you are not necessary for you to be considered for anything at all.  They do nothing but get the person who requested them something to use against you later.  These things can ruin your career, your family life, and possibly more.

Please take the time to read and educate yourself.  When getting to know a prospective partner, ask the right questions, take the time to get to know them.  Do not let a prospective Dom/me tell you that you are not allowed to ask him/her questions.  You are not theirs, always remember that.  They cannot order you to do anything; your safe word is the off button on the computer.  You are not obligated to answer to anyone, your safety always should come first.  Remember it is a submissive who willingly gives their submission to a Dominant, the submissive has control.  Submission is not taken, yanked or coerced; it is feely given by a submissive and it has to be out of their free will.   

I just came across a message in which a lady was concerned about her friend.  Her friend offered her submission to a man who claims to be a Dom.  There are many red flags in this case.  The sub doesn’t know the man’s real name, or where he lives or works.  She has not met him or know him well at all.  Just the online “persona”.  She blindly follows his orders and does tasks for him.  He orders her to drink her pee, among other useless and somewhat dangerous sexual tasks.  Drinking your own pee is not safe or sane.  I was so angry when I read that, he has her doing sexual tasks that can put her health in danger.  She may end up in the ER if she continues, but she protects him and follows him blindly. 

I had another friend post on a comment in a group of mine.  It was a story about a friend of his who went to a supposedly Professional Domme.  She had no idea what she was doing, hurt him so badly he has had 8 colon surgeries, and still is not back to normal. 

There are plenty of horror stories; I just wanted you all to see that this can end up in very bad ways if you are not careful.

I understand the urge some may have to be dominated and told what to do, but please use common sense.  We are all grown ass adults!  Please take care of your safety first and foremost.  He isn’t being responsible, and for all we know he has no knowledge of how to be a Dom.  A good Dominant puts his sub’s health, safety and well being first.  A good Dom takes care of their sub, discusses the sub’s limits and respects them.  Our subs are precious to us, we do not make them do things that have no value.  How is drinking her pee going to make her a better sub? How is taking pictures of herself inserting objects in her lady parts going to make her grow and blossom as a person?  How does he even justify these things?  It seems many self proclaimed Dominants roam on line trolling for unsuspecting subs so they can get their jollies at the sub’s expense.  It seems to me a cheesy way of avoiding paying for a porn site.  People are not toys and should not be used as such. 

Check their profile, if all they have in likes are porn sites and most their friends are female, run.  See if they are on Fetlife, check out what they have on that profile. 

Last notes:

Remember to look at your messenger settings and make sure the locator is off.  Never put your location information on your Facebook profile, it is not safe.  Also if using the profile to find a Dominant or partner, please keep your children’s pictures and family pictures locked safely.  Above all: NEVER go meet a stranger alone.

Write yourself a list on to what kinds of questions to ask when deciding on a prospective Dominant. Educate yourself so you can come up with relevant questions you would like answered.  Learn terms and basics of BDSM so you sound educated.  A fake Dom/me will not bother with a sub that knows what they are talking about.   If possible, find a mentor, a protector, a guide so you are not alone.

What kinds of questions do you think someone should ask a prospective Dom/me (or sub)?

~Sam

About Reliability

 You saw something or read something and now you want to look further into BDSM.  So, where do you start?  You google search just to find a ton of information and become overwhelmed.

There are endless sites, blogs, articles and such that tell you what BDSM is.  Most information sites have similarities, but which one to read?  How do you know which one is from a reputable source?  How do we know a person isn’t just making stuff up as they go? 

Take in account that BDSM is a lifestyle that people adopt; each person adopts it in a different way, so it fits their life better.  Some may want kinky sex, others may want extreme pain.  There are all different kinds of configurations for this lifestyle.

So, you could start by looking in Wikipedia, that seems like a good source.  Keep in mind that schools do not accept information from Wikipedia as a research source for schoolwork.  They require something more substantial, Wikipedia is not reliable as a source for research, but it is a start.

After that, you sort through different articles and blogs.  Those are written by someone who has adopted the lifestyle in their own way.  They tell you what it is about from their perspective, they are biased.  There is no way to avoid that, you just have to find what fits you best, and use common sense.

Then when you look through pictures, many of them are very sexualized, and some show you some quite frightening torture instruments.  Don’t be intimidated by all this, it is just someone’s idea, someone’s kink.  We all have our own, that may not be yours.  Also remember, most pictures you see on Facebook are pictures of models, posing.  Many people can’t get in some positions, or much less stay that way for a session.  It is unpractical, and unreal.

Then you eventually go looking in Facebook.  There is an endless parade of groups, and you now are seeing different terms being used, and still it seems all overwhelming.

When you pick a group to request to be let in.  I am suspecting you look for ones with higher numbers of members.  Once you come inside, please read the rules and follow them.

As you settle in and introduce yourself, you may get a barrage if instant messages of people claiming to be Dom/me.  Some may even try to intimidate or corner you.

Being a female in a BDSM Facebook group can be difficult, because inevitably there are many men who assume females must be submissive.  Which is not in my case, so I do resent generalizations.

But, seeing as you are new, and you have not found where you belong in this new world, people may try to tell you what you are.  Do not listen to just anyone.  The Dom you just met might be some teenager in their parent’s basement behind that keyboard.  Calling themselves Dom Doodlehead and trying to issue commands doesn’t make them a Dom.  Unfortunately many of the fakes immediately demand nude pictures or web cam “sessions”.

One thing to keep in mind is that if you send pictures, they will tell you how sexy you are and you believe them.  Then you may be inclined to send more, yes it’s an ego boost.  But remember; he can post those in porn sites, or worse, use them as blackmail to you later when you want to stop contact with them.

Web cam chat, many times it will end up with the dude asking you to get naked and play with yourself, with some lame excuse that he is helping you discover yourself.  I say run away!  They can record these sessions, and later use them for blackmail, or spread them all over the internet.  I have seen women, and men, crying later when they are threatened with sending such recordings to their spouses.  THINK before you do something like that. 

The best advice I can give, is when you come into a group, watch, read first.  See who is regular in there, who is respected by others.  If someone shows interest in you and you start talking, ask questions, even maybe message the Admins and ask about that person; something similar to checking references for a prospective job.  After that you can even ask that person that wanted to talk to you, if you can contact some of their friends and ask about them.

BDSM is about trust, about a power exchange, it is an art that requires dedication, love, balance.  It is something beautiful, and it is sad that people use it as an excuse to cheat on their spouses, or to obtain porn that they don’t want to pay for online.  It could be even worse, if you run into a psycho sadist that wants to hurt someone and possibly even kill someone, looking for a “foot in the door”.  You don’t want to be “it”.

Be safe, use common sense above all. 

~Sam

Instant Gratification

I wanted to share this because I want you all to understand. BDSM is not a game, and people are not toys. I have seen it one too many times; men who pretend to be a Dom, to take advantage of an unsuspecting sub. They use BDSM as a way to get laid and that is it. They use and dump people and have no regards for them. That is just the small stuff, trusting a stranger to tie you up and use weapons on you is not smart, use common sense!. I have also seen women string along the men and sweet talk them telling them they are a new sub, and have no idea how this works, please teach the helpless scared little girl. They play the men either for attention or for money. I know, it happens all the time, but it doesn’t make it right.



I also have seen many people that want an instant D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship. They want to just have it magically appear. How many times have we seen it on Facebook “I want a Dom, and I want one now!” I can almost see the women stomping their little feet and whining about it not being fair. They see someone who resembles a Dom, has the lines down pat, and they throw themselves at him. Sadly, a few weeks later, you see them back on Facebook, hurt, sad, broken. Sometimes yes, the “dating” (sexy fun) lasts a few months.



I also see Doms come into a group and ask “Where can I get a sub?” What? They sell them at some pet store I don’t know about? Are they in some unknown waiting room ready to serve you? First of all, people are not items to be “gotten”. Next, How about you tell people what makes you attractive to them? Maybe we should just start at the beginning.



The key is that, when you are going into D/s, it is no different than regular dating. You should in fact build a regular relationship before jumping into D/s. If you want a good relationship that lasts, you should first get to know each other, see if you are compatible. And yes, some old fashioned courting should be part of it. Once you have established a good relationship, then you could move on to add D/s. This takes work, and it takes time. Things that last, and are real, are worth the time and effort invested in it.



In this day and age, people want immediate satisfaction. So we have fast food, fast internet, fast everything. Let’s not lower out standards by having our D/s be the same. Fast, fun, and then gone like a shooting star.



When you plant a tree, you take the time to pick the seed you want; you plant the seed, raise and nurture it until it becomes a strong tree. Yes it takes time and effort, but in the end, you have a good tree, that has grown strong roots and lasts for many years. If you instead shortcut, and go rip a tree out of your neighbor’s yard and stick it in your front yard, chances are the first strong wind will take it down. Chances are, it could be infested, and you just brought an infestation to your home. Chances are it was dying inside, and you had no idea. It was a cheap and fast way to get a tree, but now you regret it, because it didn’t last.



I am not saying all relationships built fast won’t last. I am just saying that you are dealing with other people; treat them as such, get to know them. Women in the Personals Classifieds are not a piece of meat! Men in the Classifieds are not a source of free income, gifts and attention. We are all people, even if we are online, treat each other with respect, and use common sense. Seems with the internet age we want things now, and many people cannot distinguish the fantasy of Facebook and the reality of people’s lives clearly. Don’t get frustrated seeing your friends’ “perfect” lives. They only tell you the good parts, and embellish them to make it sound amazing. Relationships take work and they are not perfect; be patient.



Even if you are not in search for a partner, it is good to slow down and smell the roses.

~Sam

Who are you?

I am writing this for the curious about BDSM I would like to explore which role better suits you.   BDSM is a lifestyle that can be adapted to anyone.  We all have different lives and different relationships, and the BDSM lifestyle can be modified to fit.

First, I will tell you the basic personality types. 

A Dominant type is the kind of person who likes to take the lead.  Always leads by example and is usually outgoing and likes to take care of others.

A submissive type is the kind of personality in which a person loves to be of service to others.  This type of person likes someone else to take the lead, they are happy following.  Sometimes they need to be told what to do to gain direction.

BDSM is a power exchange based on trust.  Meaning that the person who takes the role as submissive would give control to the Dominant.  Of course, there is much more to this as well; these are just the bare basics.

There are people who in their daily lives have to be in control at home and or at work.  But there are times in which they desire to relinquish control to another and take a break.  Not everyone who has a dominant personality takes on the role as a Dominant in BDSM. 

There are people who are submissive all day in their lives and are shy, but they would love to take control for just a while, doing something they feel safe doing and empowering themselves.

Besides those two roles, there is also a third one: a switch.  This person is one who is flexible and can take on either role. 

So which role fits you best?  Are you the type to take on responsibility? Are you the type to lead and others follow?  How do you feel about doing that in the bedroom as well?

Are you the type who would like to take orders and be happy fulfilling them?  Are you the type who has the urge to please others?  How about in the bedroom?

Where do you think you fit naturally?

 ~Sam