SOMETHING NOBODY WANTS TO TALK ABOUT

As a Dom/me your purpose is to lead. My favorite part of being a Domme is that you are there to help guide your sub and help them grow. It doesn’t mean that you want to changed them, you just want to bring out the best in them. You take cues from them as to what their needs are.

As a Dom/me, you feed on the need to be needed, so you keep a sub under you, in more ways than one. They do as you say, they follow you without question and trust your judgment. That is how it should be.

My first point I want to discuss is dependence. Does your sub end up depending on your guidance for everything? It feels great to have them need you for everything, to ask permission for different things. It is great to see them flourish and thrive under you. But what happens if for some reason the relationship fails? Will they be able to continue on without you? What happens if you end up with a serious illness, where your sub ends up being the one taking care of you? Is your sub ready to take charge when needed? What happens if you happen to pass away? Will your sub survive being without your guidance, and constant direction? Without your protection and care? This is more important when you are the one supporting the sub, and said sub doesn’t work outside the home. Will they have the skills necessary to take charge of the finances? Of their life?

It is a good idea to ponder all this and make plans. I met a Dom some time back, his sub was totally dependent on him for everything. He made sure his sub was protected. He married his sub, and prepared some legal documents. Those documents specified a person who would be designated as the sub’s caretaker in case of the Dom’s death. The life insurance would cover the finances, and the backup person would cover the rest. Not everyone can do all this, but it is good to think about it and be prepared. Make sure when you train your sub, you balance the control, so you don’t do them a dis-service by making them totally dependent on you.

And now for the other side of the coin. (kind of) When a sub has issues with standing on their own, and you train them accordingly; are you prepared for the sub to “outgrow “ you? It hurts to see that they don’t need you like they used to. People change, and when you help a sub grow and be strong, and they do, you’ve done a good job. But what now? You just lost your sub? No, you gained a person whom you love deeply, and have an incredible connection with. People change and grow; that is a wonderful thing. When a sub blossoms into themselves and stands beautifully, appreciate the beauty instead of dwelling on what you lost. Life is not about us, but about what we can do for others. You still have the sub’s love and devotion, but you should be able to adjust to life changes. We are all work in progress, and life is full of evolution and change.

Life brings us so many changes and surprises, we all must be able to adjust accordingly. The love, respect, trust and devotion to one another should never change.


~Sam

Rape Fantasy: How to Carry it Out Safely

TRIGGER WARNING.  IF YOU  HAVE ISSUES WITH ABUSE, RAPE OR VIOLENCE, PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE, SCROLL TO THE NEXT POST. THIS ARTICLE TALKS ABOUT CONSENT/NON-CONSENT AND ABOUT FANTASY RAPE SCENES.

Posted on June 12, 2014by Slut Lessons

Disclaimer: Though males and females can have these kinds of fantasies, the proclivity for women to have a masochistic streak in them (along with current societal constructs regarding rapes in general) means that the overwhelming majority of those who experience such fantasies are women. This article will be written from the perspective of a female as the “victim” and a male (or males) as the aggressors. It is appropriate, of course, to substitute any gender at any place in this discussion.

What do we mean by “rape fantasy?”

First and foremost, you need to understand that a rape fantasy is almost invariably more about forced sex and not a desire to actually BE raped by someone. Very few people have the desire to be put through the physical and emotional trauma of a real rape. This is the primary reason I personally usually refer to this as “forced sex fantasy,” rather than rape fantasy; it just gives the wrong impression to some people. Regardless, this is a common fantasy, with some studies suggesting that more than half of all women have some sort of these kinds of fantasies.

The basic idea behind a rape fantasy is that a person has a strong desire to be taken sexually by force. This typically includes a desire to be surprised or caught off guard, physically “captured” and restrained, roughly and aggressively physically attacked to one degree or another, and forced into allowing sexual penetration of the mouth, vagina, and/or anus.

Why do women have rape fantasies?

Rape fantasies are rather common, believe it or not. I’ve seen several sources use different figures, but the general consensus is that significantly more than half of all women have rape fantasies from time to time, and that’s just those willing to admit to it. There are a variety of reasons women have these. But since I am not a psychologist (and didn’t stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night), rather than me rehashing what others have said, I’ll just point you to a few articles written by those with experience in such matters. So read through THIS, THIS, and THIS. THIS, too.

So now that we’ve established that these are perfectly normative fantasies, you have to decide how to go about carrying one out safely and sanely. It’s important you lay out and play by a set of ground rules, for two reasons. First, you don’t want to injure your partner physically or emotionally (beyond what you mutually agree upon), and second, there are significant legal and life-changing consequences if your actions go beyond what you’ve agreed upon and escalate to the point of a true rape.

How Do We Go About Carrying Out a Rape Fantasy Scenario?

There are a variety of things to consider when you begin discussing how to carry out a rape fantasy. First and foremost in your mind should be communication with your partner. I’ll explain below how to bring this up with a partner, but assuming you have and wish to move to putting it into action, you need to work out some details. You therefore need to have a good line of emotional and communicative connectivity to your partner.

The first issue you’ll need to discuss is what I call scope of play. Decide what is off limits and what is not off limits. You’ll want to talk about safe words or safe actions that can be used to stop play (by either partner), as well as any safe sex practices you want to incorporate. Some women will want to be physically abused (e.g., being slapped, beaten, choked out, etc.), whereas others will simply want to be tied up and fucked. Here are some specifics you’ll need to consider:

§ Where will it be okay to play? Her house? Her office? You want to avoid using public spaces to do this kind of thing as a general rule. If someone calls the police, you’re going to have some explaining to do, and it’s going to be quite embarrassing for you. Even if you’re not charged with rape, you could be cited for disturbing the peace, indecent exposure, or any number of other crimes depending upon the jurisdiction. If a home is to be the scene, ensure there aren’t going to be any children around!

§ The times of day that are acceptable? Generally these are done at night, but that doesn’t have to be the case. If you’re going to “case” the victim’s house, you’ll want to be careful in that you don’t raise the suspicion of the neighbors (who might call the police about a prowler, etc.). One exciting element I’ve used is to provide a window within which the attack may occur, say from 8AM on Monday through midnight on Friday. This adds a greater element of surprise into it in that you never know when it’s going to occur.

§ What safe sex practices are going to be used, if any? A typical “real” rape won’t involve condoms or other safe sex practices, so you’ll need to discuss how much reality you’re willing to allow.

§ What other implements will you need? Handcuffs (I’d recommend the velcro kind, so she can escape if you keel over and die. Also, real cuffs can hurt the wrists as they’re pulled apart during a struggle); tape or a gag for the mouth (avoid duct tape – it’ll peel skin off when you try to remove it); a “weapon” of some kind if you want.

§ Safe words. You need a specific word, something other than “no” or “stop” or those kinds of words. The word needs to be easily remembered. You should also consider a visual sign in case the “victim” is gagged or has a cock shoved down her throat and can’t speak. Personally I use the Vulcan hand greeting (the two fingers by two fingers forming into a V), or three quick taps to the leg, butt, or back of whomever’s got his or her cock inside me. Perhaps the most critical thing to understand when you get to the point of carrying out one of these fantasies is that a safe word means a full, complete stop. Period. If the victim uses the safe word/sign and the attacker doesn’t stop, you’ve moved from fantasy into a real rape at that point.

One point to keep in mind is that it is possible to “over construct” a rape fantasy scenario. While “real” rapes are often planned out to an extent, to make the scenario more realistic, the attacker should improvise as he’s carrying out the rape, using whatever tools and implements he will have at his disposal in the environment within which the rape is carried out. For example, rather than carrying something specifically to gag her, use the panties you tear off her, blindfold her with her shirt, etc. It’s important to plan out the basics, but don’t overthink it. That eliminates much of the spontaneity and the “fun” of the whole ordeal.

What’s the Difference Between Rape Fantasy and a Standard BDSM Scenario?

There are quite a few differences, but basically BDSM is more about psychological dominance, whereas rape is mostly about physical dominance (though there can be a psychological component involved if desired). A typical BDSM scene has more of a rhythm and purpose to it than a rape does; a rape is spur of the moment, unplanned, overwhelmingly aggressive in a “mean” way whereas the standard BDSM activities just aren’t structured in that manner. BDSM scenes often involved ritualized rape, but that’s subject for a whole other conversation.

As a Woman, How Do I Tell My Partner I Have a Rape Fantasy?

This is going to be tricky, unless you and your partner are into “rape” or rough sex genres of porn. If that’s the case, it should only be a matter of discussing acting out what you’ve seen in the videos. The fact that you want to act out something you’ve seen in what you’ve been watching should come as no surprise to anyone except perhaps the most naive and clueless of partners.

If it’s not something you’ve discussed or hinted at (i.e., if this is going to come out of the clear blue), you need to be in a relationship configuration where you have a good line of communication with your partner. I would recommend starting out by discussing your desire to be a bit more rough or aggressive in your daily sex life, and then working your way through more and more aggressive scenarios until you’ve gone as far as you can without actually engaging in a rape play. That may take some time, but quite frankly (at least, in my opinion), you need to be well versed in rough sex play before you get into rape play anyway.

As a woman, you do need to be prepared for some pushback if you’re with a newer partner, or a partner who has certain types of philosophies about how men view and treat women. One guy I was seeing for a while couldn’t “go there” with rape play because he was taught to treat women with respect and so forth. Obviously, there’s nothing “wrong” with that, but if rape play is one of those things you crave (and let’s be honest, some of us do crave this kind of sex), then you’re going to find some compatibility problems. Only you can decide how serious those are. Bringing this up to a partner who finds it detestable may result in some damage to your relationship, to include an immediate termination thereof. This is one of those things where you just have to have a good read on the person you’re wanting to play with.

As a Man, How Do I Tell My Partner I Want to “Rape” Her as Fantasy Role Play?

This scenario is even more fraught with the potential to explode. You run the risk of alienating your partner if you just bring this up out of the clear blue. Again, if you have a sexual relationship that involves rough, aggressive sex, or if you watch porn involving that kind of sex or sexual rape fantasy scenarios, then it becomes a bit easier.

One of the main problems with a guy bringing this up is that you may not be aware of any past trauma your partner may have experienced. As many as 1/3 of all women have been raped or sexually assaulted in their lives, and many will never divulge this to their partners (for a variety of reasons). So your “out of the blue” bringing this subject up may open up some old wounds that are best left alone.

Perhaps the best way to guide a partner into this is similar to what I described above for woman – introduce her to some rougher or more aggressive flavors of sex. If she’s receptive to this, gradually increase the intensity (with her permission, of course), and incorporate some restraint(s) and “rapey” type behavior (again, do this very gradually). If she’s willingly engaging in this kind of sex, then you might consider bringing up the subject of a forced sex scenario. I’d avoid using the word “rape” initially, unless you guys have talked about the subject of rape and you know it’s not a trigger for her.

Rape Fantasy Play Involving Strangers/Random Hookups

An alternative to playing with a partner is through the cooperation of a stranger or random hookup. I don’t think I have to expend too much effort explaining all of he potential things that could go wrong here, and I hesitate to even bring it up. But I have seen people ask questions on forums and other social websites regarding how to find someone to “rape” them, so at least a cursory discussion is warranted.

Finding someone to do this will be hard, largely because anyone with any sense realizes that it could be a trap, or that, even if it’s not a trap, the “victim” could later recant and claim that it was an actual rape. I’d recommend using a dating or social site that verifies identities of those who use it if you elect to go this route.

If you and a stranger decide to go through with something like this, arrange a video chat and record it. As a part of this, discuss what you want to happen, the guidelines and limitations, and the fact that you’re both consenting to what’s about to take place. Keep in mind that in some places (especially in countries other than the U.S.), consent to being “raped” doesn’t exist. That means the person doing the attacking can be legally charged with a crime even if the “victim” tells the authorities that it was an arrangement and that she consented to everything that happened.

I highly, highly recommend against using a stranger to carry out this kind of scenario in the absence of some controls or verifications of authenticity of those involved (from both sides).

Possible Scenarios

Once you’ve decided to go through with this sort of thing, and have set the boundaries, you’ll want to discuss a specific scenario in some cases. Perhaps you wish to leave it open ended and allow the “rapist” to attack you whenever and wherever, and that’s fine. These scenarios are provided simply to foment discussion between you and your partner and to give you some ideas for things you might try.

§ Home Attack: This is perhaps the easiest to pull off and the least fraught with potential issues. This simply involved the rapist “breaking in” to the victim’s house and carrying out the attack. Unless you get really wild and noisy, or attract some undue attention while breaking in, you shouldn’t have to worry about causing yourself any problems as a result of neighbors or a random police patrol.

§ Work Attack: This is likely only feasible in a situation where the victim is the owner of a business or owns/works in a facility that doesn’t have security monitoring equipment or other people around. If you work in a typical office setting, it’s a safe bet that there are video cameras around that might capture anything you do, which could land you in trouble from an employment standpoint as well as a legal standpoint.

§ Jogging Attack: This involves authorizing the attack somewhere along a jogging route. Your attacker simply lies in wait for you to come by, then “abducts” you into the woods, rapes you, and leaves you there (be sure and work out how you’re going to get home). Again, this is one of those situations where some undue attention by a passerby might create legal issues for you, so if you elect to use this, do so where you know you’ll have some privacy.

§ Other Abduction Attacks: You can construct any number of possible scenarios using a public abduction. Perhaps a van parked next to the victim’s vehicle in a shop parking lot (park a good ways out so you won’t attract attention – keep in mind possible security cameras). This is a common method for carrying out real rapes, in fact. A rapist will park a van next to a woman’s driver’s side door and when she returns to the vehicle, she’s pulled into the van and driven off. This particular scenario is great for gang rapes.

After Care

If this is this first time you’ve engaged in rape play, it is possible you might need what those in the BDSM community call “after care.” After care is the process of comforting one another and taking care of any emotional or perhaps physical after effects of your sex play. This is especially important if it’s your first time engaging in this sort of activity with a significant other. Connect with each other, comfort one another, make sure both of you are okay, etc. When the adrenaline has worn off a day or two later, you’ll want to talk about how things went, whether or not you want to try it again (or something like it), what you’d want to do differently, etc. Again, communication with your partner is vital. If you’re doing rape play with a stranger or non-SO, you may wish to consider having a close friend in whom you can confide, and who can serve as a check for you afterward to make sure you’re okay.

Summary

Rape fantasies, or forced sex fantasies, can add a wildly fantastic new dimension to your sex life, especially if you’re already a big fan of rough, aggressive sex. If you elect to try this kind of thing, though, it is important to select a partner who’ll work with you and with whom you can communicate effectively to ensure that you don’t get hurt, and that your “rapist” doesn’t suffer any negative emotional issues from having taken you by force. Once you’ve made the decision to do it, it then becomes important to construct a scenario that is safe for both (or all) of you, and that doesn’t involve any potential legal pitfalls. Much of this is common sense, and hopefully this short how-to guide will assist you in exploring this aspect of your sexuality.


The Slut

"The Law, S/M and You"

by A. Spencer Bergstedt







This is a copy of "The Law, S/M and You" by A. Spencer Bergstedt, an Attorney at Law in Seattle, Washington.


The law has historically had a large role in how players go about doing S/M play. From police raids of both yesteryear and today to the effect that participation in S/M might have on issues like child custody, the law has always had an interest in that which society deems abnormal or immoral.


This article is designed to highlight some of the areas of the law that you as a leatherman or leatherwoman should be aware of. The actual laws of course will vary from state to state, county to county and city to city, but, hopefully, this article will help point you in the direction of finding more information about the laws where you live.


Law is divided into two categories - criminal and civil. Both have an impact on S/M.


CRIMINAL There are two aspects of criminal law that the S/M player should keep in mind: private and public activity. Private refers to actions that may take place in your home or other private place and public refers to public places, like bars, events, and outdoors.


PRIVATE There are a number of things that one should be aware of as the law relates to S/M in private. First and foremost is that the (minor) possibility always exists that you may be suspected of committing a crime if it becomes known that you engage in S/M and the cops take an interest.Types of crimes that you could potentially be charged with include (but are not limited to):
Assault
Indecent Exposure
Rape
Kidnapping
False imprisonment
Reckless endangerment
Possession of illegal weapons or substances (e.g., possession of needles for temporary piercing may be illegal in your state)
And in some states - the very act of sex and/or the presence of certain sex toys in a certain quantity may leave you open to prosecution under state laws that prohibit the sale of sex toys.


At the outset I should note that (depending on where you live) it is highly unlikely that you would ever have a problem with the cops. But the possibility does exist.


ASSAULT
Technically, assault is defined as a non-consensual touching of a person by another person. Therefore, if scenes are consensual, the likelihood of actual prosecution is slight. By that I mean that the police might arrest you to harass you BUT the prosecutor’s office would likely decide against filing charges against you because the "victim" consented to the activity. Since prosecutors are in the business of sending criminals to jail, if the "victim" insists there was no crime, the prosecutor generally won't push it.
HOWEVER - many states - including my state of Washington - have enacted domestic violence statutes which can change police and prosecutor protocol. Generally under these types of law, police and prosecutors are encouraged to dismiss the "victim's" statements about not wanting to press charges and move forward with the case. The law is designed to protect repeat victims of domestic violence/abuse who may be reluctant to press charges against their abusers. More often than not, police are instructed to arrest both parties if a domestic violence call is made.


Assault can be charged as either a misdemeanor or a felony depending on the circumstances. (There are 4 degrees of assault) E.g. the use of weapons, the infliction of great bodily harm, and the intent to inflict such great bodily harm. Depending on what you do with your play, you may very quickly jump into the felony category.


INDECENT EXPOSURE
In Washington, this is a misdemeanor crime unless you expose yourself to someone under the age of 14, in which case it becomes a felony.
You must expose yourself in an open and obscene manner to have committed this crime. Here it has been held sufficient to charge you with indecent exposure if you are in your own house/apartment and someone can see in to your house/apartment.


RAPE
Forced and/or non-consensual sexual intercourse or contact which includes any penetration, however slight, of the vagina or anus, with any object; touching of one person genitals to the anus or mouth of another; any touching of the sexual/intimate parts of another for sexual gratification.
Rape is a felony crime.
Consent is a defense to this crime.


KIDNAPPING / UNLAWFUL IMPRISONMENT
These are crimes of restraining another person without their consent and are felonies (in Washington - when in doubt, check your local and state laws).
SODOMY
Sodomy laws are still on the books in many states and the law generally applies to both gays and heterosexual sex that involves either anal-genital contact or oral-genital or oral-anal contact.


OTHER AREAS OF CRIMINAL LAW
Another area that questions come up in is for Pro Dommes. It is quite clear that the main focus of law enforcement in harassing or arresting Pro Dommes is prostitution and child pornography - NOT S/M. If you are a Pro Domme and you get raided or arrested - chances are the cops are going to bust you for prostitution. However, most prostitution laws limit the definition to engaging in sexual conduct in exchange for a fee. So as long as you're not doing that, you'll likely be OK. This does not mean that the cops won't arrest you to harass you - simply that the prosecutor won't be able to charge you with much of anything. HOWEVER, if arrested, you should get an attorney immediately.
Prostitution is generally a misdemeanor.


WHAT TO DO IF THE COPS COME KNOCKING ON MY DOOR
Stay calm.
You do not needto consent for the cops to come into your house. You can force them to come back with a search warrant. HOWEVER, if they believe someone is in immediate harm, they have probable cause to enter without a warrant.
Explain calmly to the cops what the noise was all about - E.g., just good loud sex.
If you are arrested, DON'T say anything. You are not under any obligation to make a statement without an attorney present. Keep track of the officers names, badge numbers, and whether or not they read you your rights.
Call a lawyer immediately.
Remember, if they book you, you'll likely have to remove all your piercing.
Stay calm.


WHAT TO DO IN CASE A SCENE BECOMES NON-CONSENSUAL OR ABUSIVE
Stay calm
Call the police
Call an attorney for yourself. The legal system can be hard to negotiate and the last thing you want is for the cops to treat you like the criminal
Do not shower or clean up if there has been physical damage or rape.Physical evidence - cuts, bruises, semen, blood, hair or skin samples, and even clothing fibers can be very important evidence. Take pictures if you can.
Get medical assistance if you need it. This should be done before step 2 if you need immediate assistance. Plus, the hospital can help get ahold of the police.
Tell the truth about what happened
Contact a friend who can either stay with you or that you can stay with.


PUBLIC LAW
What we're talking about here is what happens when you leave your house -in bars, at events, on the street.
The same laws that are discussed above still apply, but now we have some new things to contend with as well.
-Liquor control board rules
-Impersonating an officer (for you uniform enthusiasts)
-Carrying weapons
As to the crimes discussed above the main thing to remember is this - when you are out in public, not everyone is aware of the negotiations you and your partner have engage in and therefore, what you know to be consensual may not look very consensual from the outside. That 3rd party may decide to call the cops because what you are doing doesn't look consensual.


WEAPONS
If you carry a gun, make sure you have a concealed weapons permit and a licensed and registered weapon.
If you carry a knife, check to see what size blade your local law allows you to carry.


UNIFORMS
You may not impersonate a police or fire official. Basically what this means is don't wear an exact replica of a law/fire enforcement agency whose jurisdiction you are in and do not ever hold yourself out to be a police officer/fire fighter. Do not put any real or fake weapons in a gun holster if you are out and about. You might also choose to wear an overcoat/jacket when going from car to bar.


LIQUOR CONTROL BOARD
Please don't put our friendly bar owners out of business by doing something that violates the liquor control board rules. These rules are much stricter than you might imagine and the penalty's for violation are stiff.
In Washington, it is unlawful in a bar for staff to expose their nipples, any portion of pubic hair, anus, cleft of the buttocks, vulva or genitals.
To encourage or permit anyone on the premises to touch, caress or fondle the breasts, buttocks, anus or genitals or another person. (this rule has been used to fine a bar owner for two customers slow dancing together where the one person rubbed his hand over his partner's ass)
To permit anyone in the bar to wear a device which simulates any of the areas not allowed to be exposed. (This is why we don't see dildos involved in fantasy;s at contests here)
To permit anyone to perform acts of:
intercourse, masturbation, sodomy, oral copulation, flagellation (flogging), touching, caressing, etc.
UNLESS - the performance/entertainer is on a stage at least 18 inches in height and at least 6 feet from the nearest patron.
Definitely check the laws of your own state, county and city as well as administrative rules propagated by the state liquor control board to find out what's legal and not where you live.


CIVIL LAW AND S/M
Civil law applies to things that are not criminal in nature. It covers everything from contracts to divorce to personal injury suits. Here we'll cover:
Using civil law if something goes wrong
Are S/M contracts legally binding?
What can we do to protect ourselves?


IF SOMETHING GOES WRONG
If something goes wrong with a scene or the relationship and non-consensual activity/violence/abuse happen the victim can take two courses of action:
1. Talk to the police, file a report and press for criminal charges; and/or
2. File a civil lawsuit for damages.


CIVIL SUITS
Civil lawsuits can be an excellent way of seeking compensation for damages inflicted by someone who misuses S/M as an excuse for violence. Damages can be had for things like:
actual physical damage; emotional damage; psychological impairment; assault; false imprisonment; etc..
These cases should be handled only with the advice and assistance of an attorney.


ANTI-HARASSMENT/PROTECTIVE ORDERS
To be used if there is a threat of immediate danger/harm, protective orders are a means to keep someone away from you. They can be obtained either through superior or district court.


CONTRACTS
Contracts for sexual services are not legally binding. However, if your's is a service-oriented contract, it might be enforceable.
In any event, I believe written contracts are a great way to clearly communicate what it is that you've negotiated with your relationship or a scene. The contract could potentially be useful in a situation where one player steps over the line of what was negotiated and engages in non-consensual abusive bahavior.
Be prepared that if you want to make it legally binding that you must follow principles of contract. If you are unclear about what these are - you might wish to consult with a lawyer.


PROTECTIONS
Wills
Living wills
Powers of attorney
Authorizations for hospital visits
instructions on what to do with your S/M stuff if you get sick, hurt or die
**NOTE: With all of these documents it is important to execute them before serious injury or illness sets in as you may then be termed incompetent to execute them.


WILLS
A Will is a document by which you designate how you want your property distributed upon your death; who will act as your executor; whether you wish to be buried or cremated; if you desire funeral services; establish certain types of trusts; and establish a guardian for your child(ren).
If you die without a Will your estate will be divided according to the statute related to descent and distribution. What this statute says is that the first person in priority is your surviving legal spouse, then your children. If you have neither, then it goes to your parents, brothers and sisters, grandparents, etc.. Unless they can't find anybody, in which case it goes to the state.
The only way you can designate where your property goes is by doing estate planning. A Will, joint property agreement, payable on death accounts, beneficiary desginations in life insurance policies, and/or a trust are all ways that you can leave your estate. HOWEVER, a Will should almost always be used in conjunction with any of the other types of estate planning methods to ensure that certain details are handled.


LIVING WILLS
These are technically referred to as Directives to Physicians. This document sets forth your desires to not be kept on life support systems if you are terminally ill. Provision can also be made for specific types of medical treatments and, although a right to die law currently only exists in Oregon, you can make your philosphy known in the document that assisted death might be an option for you once it becomes legally viable.


POWERS OF ATTORNEY
A Power of Attorney is a document in which you designate someone else to act on your behalf. They can be for specific acts like selling a house or more general. In terms of estate planning, we generally talk about 2 different - but similar - types.


FUTURE DURABLE POWER OF ATTORNEY
This POA goes into effect when the person executing the document (the principal)
becomes either incapacitated or incompetent and last during the period of incapactiation or incompetency.
The POA gives the attorney-in-fact the ability to handle business and financial affairs for the principal and can include making medical decisions.
The POA also nominates the attorney-in-fact to act as guardian if a guardianship should become necessary.


FUTURE DURABLE POWER OF ATTORNEY FOR HEALTH CARE
This is similar to the document above except that it is directed specifically toward health care and authorizes health care professionals to give information about you to your attorney-in-fact and authorizes your attorney-in-fact to make medical decisions for you


AUTHORIZATION FOR HOSPITAL VISITS
This document ensures that the person you designate can visit you in the hospital.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR WHAT TO DO WITH MY TOYS AND LEATHERS
This becomes critical if you are not out to your biological family about your S/M. Give a trusted friend or family member instructions on what to do with your toys and leathers in the event of a medical emergency or death.
The other way to handle these issues - if you are out or you don't care what your family thinks - is to include instructions for disposition of these items in your Will.


DISSOLUTION / CHILD CUSTODY
S/m play can impact on divorces and child custody actions as well. In the event that you are getting divorced and have children and the terms won't be mutually agreed upon, you should get the advise of an attorney if you think your spouse will use your S/M against you.
Similarly, in child custody modifications, you should hire an attorney at assist you if your ex brings up the issue of S/M as a reason to limit your access to your children.


A. Spencer Bergstedt



Admin note: Please note that this information may not be relevant in your specific country, please consult with a local attorney or legal advisor regarding any situation that you need assistance with.

Ball Gags

Ball Gag Safety for Beginners
Posted on September 12, 2012by scarletrosefox

Gags are rather fun to use, especially ball gags. They leave the mouth open and while the person wearing it can still make a slight bit of muffled noise, I have noticed its more about that humiliation that it causes. As when you talk it is unintelligible, distorts your features and causes the wearer to drool. Knowing that you cannot control it can be a turn on for both the wearer and the person who put it on you.

However, like any BDSM accessory you want to know how to use it safely. While I am mentioned ball gags the most here, these are things that can be remembered with all gags.

What is a Ball Gag?

A ball gag is a gag made specifically for gagging and usually includes a ball of some sort on a piece of some sort of fabric. The ball is slipped into your captive’s mouth then you fasten the straps around your partners head to keep the gag in place.

They provide a full feeling for the person wearing it as they fill up the mouth nicely. However because of their large size, many people’s jaws can tire quicker then they would with other gags. So it pays to take the time and do the research on the gags you plan to get. Find out measurements to make sure it is going to be comfortable but still do what it is that you want from your gag.

Also, keep in mind fabrics being used in the construction of the ball gag. I find that leather and suede tend to bite less into the skin they say one made with rubber straps. And a ball made from silicone or is best. Hard plastic ball gags have the worry that you may chip a tooth if you are biting down to hard on it. Rubber, while it does have give you do need to be careful in using because of chemicals that rubber can contain like phthalates.

Safeword?

Seeming you cannot be heard at least not very well, trying to use your safe word when you have a ball gag in your mouth is hard and at most, just downright unusable. So what is one to do instead so that they are able to inform their Dom/Top that they need to stop.

An Object in the Hand – Holding a ball that you can drop, a bell that you can ring or any other object that brings attention to itself.

Repeated Movement – Such as opening and closing your hands, snapping your fingers or moving the head up and down.

Repeated Sound – Making a number of rhythmic grunts or other pre-defined noises that can be made clearly with the gag in place.

Check in – Having your Dom/Top check in with you either verbally or if you have become nonverbal due to subspace placing a finger in the Sub/Bottoms hand to squeeze.

Clear Breathing

A gag does interfere with breathing, you never want to leave a gagged play partner unattended. Also, gags should not be used unless the nasal passage way is completely clear. In this case vented ball gags made with whiffle like balls can be much safer then solid balls. Though they can be harder to clean and sanitize due to getting saliva in the ball itself.

In the same vein, gags can sometimes induce vomiting because it may trigger the gag reflex. If they where to still be gagged when vomiting it could be fatal.

Position

On this one I speak more from personal experience, as it has happened to me. I have found that the best positions when using a ball gag are when you are in an upright position (sitting up, standing up) or when your head is pointing down. I found this allows for any saliva build up to be able to move in a way that isn’t back down the throat that could lead to more gagging.

Don’t forget your Jaw!

If you have any jaw injuries it can make wearing a ball gag slightly uncomfortable. You don’t have to avoid it, but you do what to modify your play slightly.

A ball gag shouldn’t be worn for more than 10 to 20 minutes at a time when you are starting out. Your muscles can become fatigued, and less resilient as you are playing with the muscles in your jaw and mouth. As soon as it becomes too painful, take it out. As you become more experienced with gags you can certainly wear them for longer periods of time. But remember, using gags too often can actually injure your jaw.

Furries

Furry Fandom Is More Than Furry Fetish
October 10, 2014
BY: KATY WILLIS

The world of furry fandom is shrouded in mystery. It’s dismissed, ridiculed, and, when it does get attention, portrayed as a community of dysfunctional sex addicts: people dressed as animals having weird sex in odd places.

But sex has little to do with the furry lifestyle. The thriving subculture is instead a community of men and women who have a fascination, obsession, or affinity with anthropomorphic animals—that is, animals that can walk, talk, and possess other human traits.

For many furries, the obsession begins and ends with furry-centric cartoons, literature, and art. They indulge their furdom online, creating avatars in MMORPGs or Second Life. Others, known as “fursuiters,” who account for no more than half of the furry population, wear costumes and congregate for meetings and conventions. The most devoted, though, develop “fursonas” and take on the mannerisms of their chosen animal, undergoing surgery to more accurately resemble their furry identity.

What exactly does that look like? According to Portland-based professor Dr. Martin Donohoe, “A person with a tiger for an alter ego may have stripes tattooed on their body, sharpened canines, and implanted whiskers.”

For some, it’s a way to truly express themselves. “You get to choose who and what you are,” says Mark Merlino, whose furry alter ego goes by Sylys Sable. “Imagination is okay, no matter what your age.”

Marshall Woods, who describes his alter ego Lenya as a “sort of space weasel,” says, “It’s simultaneously disorienting and exhilarating.”

Furries flock to the lifestyle for the freedom of expression, lessened inhibitions, and a sense of exhilaration—the same things that drive the everyday person. They just happen to manifest in a different way.

Pet Play and Human Pets: A Primer

By lunaKM on April 15, 2009

Today’s post comes from Skylerpet, a submissive pet in a D/s relationship who volunteered to write an essay for me after seeing the Weekly Tips on YouTube. Thank you Skylerpet! She has since written another short piece specifically onHuman Pets that you can read here.

Pet play is one of the most unique, one of the least known and in my opinion one of the most fun and entertaining sub-cultures in the BDSM, D/s and “kink” lifestyle. Now, I write this from the perspective of a submissive female, so please keep in mind that it can be changed around to any form you want.

Pet play involves one or more people acting as an animal with typically the submissive being the animal and the Dominant being the “Owner” and/or “Trainer.” I have heard of the Dominant being the animal and Dominating his/her submissive that way, such as holding the submissive down with a bite on the neck, but I am unfamiliar with this.

What animals are common for submissives to be? Most commonly you will see ponies, puppies and pigs. I myself have been a kitty and as of this writing am a puppy. Less frequently I have also seen bunnies, cows and once a seal, though I have no experience with these animals.

For me, one of the biggest reasons I enjoy pet play, aside from it simply being fun, is that it reinforces the Owner/owned relationship. Non-human pets are owned and completely dependent on their owner. They get fed when the owner decides and only then. Their toys and medical care is wholly dependent upon the owner remembering and doing. In a 24/7 D/s relationship this is often times also true. The slave is fed after their Owner has eaten. They wear what their Owner wishes, sleeps when and where their Owner tells them, and follows the rules their Owner dictates. So it is with non-human pets. The only difference is that your non-human pets didn’t consent. You choose them and bring them home upon your own whim. With D/s pet play, the submissive consents to be the property of their Owner. For me, being an animal, being “less than human” reinforces my Dom’s Domination of me. He is a Man and wholly human. I am a pup. His pup.

How is the animal chosen?

There are typically three ways.

· One way is the submissive acting upon his/her instincts to which animal they most identify with. If the submissive is loyal and playful perhaps they lean towards puppy. If they enjoy being led around and high protocol training perhaps it would be pony.

· One other common way for the animal to be chosen is for the Dominant to choose for the submissive. If S/He prefers a puppy to a kitty, the submissive will be molded into a puppy. As another example if the Dom is a farmer who enjoys breastfeeding from His submissive, perhaps He would like her to be a cow.

· The submissive can also switch animals from time to time if their pet play is temporary, if they simply enjoy experimentation or if they do not identify with one particular animal.

Why pet play?

· One large reason many D/s couples go into pet play is for the humiliation and dependence aspect. Restricting a submissive’s movement and vocalizations forces them to be that much more dependent on their Dom. Also, not being allowed on furniture or having to use a litter box instead of a toilet can be very humiliating for some.

· Another is because it is simply fun. It is a great psychological and emotional release to be able to come home and let loose the restrictions of humanity and what humans are “supposed to be like.” It is just plain fun to bat around a cat toy or play tricks and get treat rewards. It could also be described as a “de-stressing” process from the rigors of daily life, especially if the participants work outside the home.

· It can help with submission, as taking away some parts of the submissive’s humanity can help take away their sense of equality. It can help the submissive orient their mind to their Dom being their focus in life.

· Pet play could also be used as punishment. If the submissive misbehaves badly it could be punishment to be put out in the pig stalls with the pigs for a period of time, or whatever animal is available, and made to act like that animal as the punishment.

How does one engage in pet play?

· Restrict movement via bondage.

· Restrict verbal communication, perhaps to only certain words or animal sounds such as “woof!” or “mew!” or more child-like words such as “up!” or “potty!”.

· Training exercises such as tricks for puppies, walking on leads and leashes or for ponies pulling a cart/plow.

· Eating and drinking out of bowls without the use of hands and/or silverware.

· Learning to use a litter box instead of a toilet, or even going outside.

· Playing with toys, such as batting toys for kitties or tug-of-war toys for puppies.

· Begging in the manner of the animal you identify with, such as a puppy whining.

· Caging.

· Not being allowed on furniture without permission.

Also, safety is incredibly important!

So please keep these things in mind, and also any others that fit your lifestyle:

· When it comes to eating actual animal food, while it is okay for perhaps a short scene, it is not safe to do so on a regular basis. Humans have different nutritional needs than animals do, and it is incredibly important to get your nutritional needs met. There are many ways to simulate animal food and treats such as mashing up meatloaf with ketchup, using stews or even baking treats in the shapes of bones and such. However, for any long term play, Eukanuba, Purina and any other brand of animal food you use, are for canines and felines, not humans.

· If you choose to use training and/or shock collars, please, PLEASE read the instructions! On a personal level I am not into electric play, but it is out there. So please, be careful and safe.

· If you put your pup slave into a kennel, please keep in mind that they are very cramped. You do not want your pup slave to be damaged from being in that position for long periods of time.

· If the submissive has had their ability to move and speak restricted it is incredibly important that some form of communication is available to them so that they may communicate if something has happened and/or gone wrong, both physically and emotionally.

· Also, in my opinion having a human pet can add some responsibility to the Dom because when some of the submissive’s humanity is taken away and especially if their communication is restricted, the Dominant must that much more aware of the submissive’s frame of mind.

So that’s a very basic overview of pet play. It can get a lot more specific if one looks at each relationship and the animal(s) involved. A note though; pet play sometimes can be sexual, and sometimes can be completely non-sexual. It, as with everything else, simply depends on the couple involved. Please keep in mind that I am in no way speaking of bestiality. This is two or more human beings acting and role playing within the confines of their negotiated relationship.

Most importantly: Have fun and ask questions if you need or want to!!

In my opinion, pet play can deepen submission, but only if it’s right for you.

Of Dom/mes and Monsters

I could not stomach the 50 shades book; a friend had asked me to read it. I tried, but I just could not get past the girl’s blushing; it sounded like a love struck teenager wrote it. I did go watch the movie with my sub; I was curious. I totally understand the feelings portrayed ever so slightly by Christian; he seemed so repressed and miserable, but there was something that seemed familiar. I was hung up on one thing though. When Anastasia asked him if he gets off on beating women, and then asked why he can’t be normal. I felt like it hit a nerve. So if he is a sadist, and enjoys giving pain to another, that makes him a monster? There is a huge difference between consensual BDSM (where there is consensual pain), and abuse, (non-consensual pain).



I know many Dominants are not into pain, it is different in my case. So this explains part of my motivation. Since I was 12 I have been having fantasies that I thought would make me a monster. The things that turned me on always involved violence, but I never said a thing. I was going to catholic school, I didn’t even tell the priest at the confessional. I was terrified that someone may find out, I was afraid of my own drive at this point. I suppressed it for a long time, but my day dreams were always violent and about control over another person. I have a hard time even as I write it out now.



I was taught D/s when I was 18-19, but I didn’t get as far as pain was concerned. I still had my monster suppressed very securely in the dark recesses of my heart. I sometimes slipped up and hurt my partner during sex, but he seemed to not take notice much. We would usually be drinking, and I don’t think he remembers.



A few years ago, my best friend asked to become my sub. He submitted to me and it blew me away. We had been talking for years, and at some point I told him I had this monster. I told him about some of my fantasies. When he was receptive, so I let out all my secrets. He wanted to be mine, and receive the pain that I may give. I tried it once, and then switched to feel what he felt. I realized I loved every bit of it, except I am resistant to giving up control. But now I felt the other end of the stick, so to speak. Now I understood why he liked it, and it made me weak in the knees. We both found acceptance of our deepest desires, and it was amazing that we found our other puzzle piece.



I do not “get off” by beating people. What turns me on is feeling his fire. He enjoys the pain I give, he accepts me for who I am, a sadist. He doesn’t accept the pain only to make me happy; I can tell by his body language that he enjoys what I have to give. That feeds into me, and back into him. As I use implements to cause him pain, I often ask how he is doing. He has told me that he can tell if I am not giving my all, and controlling myself too much.



Sometimes playtime is like walking a tight rope; you have to walk that thin line between total control over yourself and your emotions, and loosing yourself. When you start losing yourself, that is called Dom-space. When you are about to “lose it” you need to stop immediately; your sub’s safety is now at risk. When I got there the first time, it frightened me. I felt like I was enjoying it too much, and about to lose control. I was flogging my sub, and was hitting harder and harder. He was sweating and had been feeling a lot of pain by now. Somehow between his body language and the music, I wanted so badly to let go. You know, like when a horse decides to ignore the rider and run wild with no control whatsoever. I heard my sub scream in pain, (he doesn’t do that often, this was probably the only time). That threw me over the edge, and I had to stop immediately. If I remember correctly I dropped to my knees, and put down the flogger. I had to breathe, and regain my control; it felt better than any sex, ever. It was a high like no other. So now what? Does that make me a monster? I stand on my belief that it would only make me one, if I was doing this to an unwilling victim. Once I regained my control I got up and started winding my sub down to cool down. We had a talk later about it.



What I am getting at, is that I agree that we all have a monster inside. Most people either block it out, or repress it. Some people hate that monster; others are terrified to even acknowledge it. I am grateful to be one of the few lucky ones who are able to control and embrace this monster. I have been so relieved to have found others like me, and find out I am not alone. I met some wonderful people at our local dungeon. I saw that we are not completely crazy, but fortunate to have found our other half to our puzzle. We have a deep understanding of ourselves and our submissives. Our subs are our most precious possession, and we treasure them accordingly. Our connection is so much deeper, because there is a great acceptance, and huge trust.



I have found myself circling my sub like a wild animal about to pounce on their prey, and it’s totally acceptable to us. I feel free to be myself, and I feel so alive at that precise moment. I am only telling you what I see and feel from my perspective, everyone’s experiences are different.



As excited as we all feel of being able to control our monster, and let it come out to play, unfortunately it’s not something we can be openly proud of. Some things need to be kept private; we can’t go out to buy groceries with a slave on a leash, but we can smile on the thought of them waiting for us when the time comes to be with them.





~Sam

We’re Kinky, Not Crazy

Including “paraphilic disorders” in the DSM V is redundant, unscientific, and stigmatizing. 

By Jillian Keenan 

Pic-A woman is restrained in a device called "The Gate" 
at the DomConLA convention on May 18, 2012, in Los Angeles. 


Photo by David McNew/Getty Images 



The American Psychiatric Association has decided that people with kinky sexual interests (which—let’s just get this out of the way—includes me) don’t necessarily have mental disorders. That seems like good news, right? If we look up sexual masochism, fetishism, transvestism, or sadism in the forthcoming fifth edition of theDiagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, they won’t be there! In their place, we’ll find a new list of “paraphilic disorders”: sexual masochism disorder, fetishistic disorder, transvestic disorder, and so on. The difference? To be diagnosed with one of these noncriminal sexual disorders, the person must “feel personal distress about their interest.”

Simply put, the DSM V will say that happy kinksters don’t have a mental disorder. But unhappy kinksters do.

Some sexual minorities have applauded this diagnostic compromise as a step forward. It isn’t. This is just the same routine that the psychiatric community dragged homosexuality through decades ago, and adult, consensual (in other words, noncriminal) expressions of atypical sexuality should be removed from the DSMentirely for many of the same reasons that homosexuality was.

In 1952, the DSM I officially categorized homosexuality as a mental disorder. As the gay rights movement gathered momentum in the 1960s, however, the psychiatric community introduced a diagnostic compromise by saying that people who were comfortable with their sexual orientation did not have a mental disorder. The APA triumphantly removed general homosexuality from the DSM in 1973. But for people who were "in conflict with" their homosexuality, they introduced a new condition instead: “sexual orientation disturbance” (SOD). The 1980 DSM III replaced SOD with "ego-dystonic homosexuality," but the basic principle remained the same: Happy homosexuals did not have a mental disorder, while unhappy ones did.

The term paraphilia—which sexologist John Money defined as unusual sexual interests—first appeared in the DSM III. (Before that, the DSM II listed homosexuality, masochism, sadism, transvestism, fetishism, and other consensual minority sexualities alongside criminal pedophilia and frotteurism in the category of “sexual deviations.”) Although there were minor wording changes to the subsequent DSM IV and DSM IV-TR, psychiatric consensus continued to lump noncriminal paraphilias together with criminal paraphilias as mental disorders.

Thankfully, all forms of homosexuality (including ego-dystonic homosexuality) were finally removed from the DSM in 1987, after a long struggle and far too late. Noncriminal sexual paraphilias should also be removed for many of the same reasons that homosexuality was: People who are stigmatized and misunderstood, such as sexual minorities, might be unhappy—but the unhappiness itself is the problem that should be treated, not the person’s sexual identity or practice.

To be clear, I’m not comparing the experience of being kinky to the experience of being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender. No one is trying to stop kinky people from getting married or, with a few exceptions, threaten our physical safety. The LGBTQ community has serious human rights violations to contend with; most kinksters face nothing more serious than internal turmoil, awkward conversations with new partners, and cultural mockery.

That being said, DSM-based diagnoses do have real-life consequences for all sexual minorities. They have influenced employment decisions, child custody proceedings,security clearances, and health insurance coverage. Social stigma is no joke, either. A 2006 study found that of 1,017 self-identified BDSM practitioners, 36 percent had experienced violence or harassment because of their sexuality, and 30 percent had been the victim of job discrimination. (William Saletan’s recent Slate story, which incorrectly argued that “everything we condemn outside the world of kink is celebrated within it,” doesn’t help.)

The DSM has a profound impact on societal attitudes toward kinksters, which can in turn influence how we are perceived by our friends, sexual partners, and—most significantly for mental health—by ourselves.

It’s a bizarre cycle. According to the APA’s paraphilias fact sheet for the forthcomingDSM, I can be diagnosed with “sexual masochism disorder” if I feel “personal distress” about my sexuality. Usually, I don’t. But the moments when I do feel distressed (when I wonder if, perhaps, there might really be something wrong with me) occur when I receive unsolicited emails from psychiatrists who have read my public disclosuresabout my sexuality and reach out to offer their services.

Of course, some people are genuinely, consistently distressed by their atypical sexual urges and fantasies. A few psychiatrists have argued that by including the paraphilic disorders in the DSM, the door remains open for those individuals to seek treatment. I’m not convinced. In fact, I have nothing but faith that if someone genuinely wants psychiatric care, the mental health community will find a way to provide it.

A person who feels persistent personal distress about the shape of her nose, for example, can access psychiatric treatment despite the fact that “nose perception disorder” is not listed in the DSM—she can be treated for body dysmorphic disorder, depression, or a whole host of other broadly defined issues. Along the same lines, someone who is deeply dismayed by his masochistic sexual urges, for example, doesn’t need to be diagnosed with “sexual masochism disorder.” He could be treated for “sexual disorder not otherwise specified,” identity problems, or adjustment disorder—all of which are already listed in the DSM. Isolating specific paraphilias as potential “disorders” is redundant. Worse, that specificity suggests that there is something unique to people with certain atypical sexual urges that makes us more likely to be mentally disordered than anyone else.

Despite its best efforts, the DSM still allows existing sexual stigmas and social norms to define whether a sexual practice is “healthy.” (After all, 20 years ago, it would have been very easy for bigots to describe homosexuality as an unhealthy urge akin to alcoholism.) That’s why social conventions can’t dictate “health”—that must be determined by clear and compelling medical evidence. Alcohol dependence, for example, is medically harmful. Homosexuality is not. Neither is a consensual expression of atypical sexuality. Even the more colorful aspects of BDSM aren't necessarily riskier than skiing, football, or even ballet. (Saletan’s examples of long-term harm come from the porn industry, which isn’t exactly known for protecting actors specializing in any genre. And as Dan Savage points out, the kinkster community has an ethic of safety and communication.)

The fundamental tenet of medicine is, “First, do no harm.” But every day, I receive emails from kinky men and women around the world who tell me about their incredible loneliness and shame. Many of them cite the psychiatric understanding of paraphilias—a de facto endorsement of social stigma—as a partial source of their isolation. The continued presence of the paraphilias (despite their superficial name change) in the forthcoming DSM V is redundant, unscientific, unnecessary, and harmful to millions of kinksters. The paraphilic disorders are also harmful to the field of psychiatry itself. Psychiatry is a noble profession, and I have no doubt that the members of the DSM paraphilias subworkgroup have nothing but the best and kindest intentions. I’m sure they just want to help. But continuing to pathologize noncriminal atypical sexualities only hurts all of us. (And not in the fun way.)

What is Primal Play?

By slavekathy on July 26, 2013






This post is part of an effort to provide a glossary for novice submissives of words commonly seen across this site and in theBDSM community.


Mr. Samsonite. Every group has one; you know, the guy who can’t show up to theplay party without enough luggage to go on a two-week European tour? He puts on his little kid gloves and unpacks hisembarrassment of kinky riches, and by the time he gets them all out, the party is halfway over. We all know this dominant, and his precise, measured method of play. It’s fine if it works for him. However, what if Mr. Mechanical isn’t what gets your juices flowing? Many slaves and submissives enjoy a more hands-on approach to play, and no expensive tools or toys are required.You were born with all the kink toys you need for playing primal: teeth, nails, hair and skin.






Pure and abject submission isn’t what’s called for here; the dominant who prefers primal play wants to fight. Primal play may be your perfect fit if you’re the bratty sub who yearns to be overwhelmed, conquered and forced to submit to a stronger, more powerful dominant.






A primal play scene may look like wrestling or even martial arts. There may be pressure points involved, and even rope bondage, but the thing that sets primal play apart from other types is raw, emotional, sexual feelings displayed. All of the labels, roles, and protocols go out the window during primal play, and the bottomcan become a snarling, growing, clawing animal hell-bent on getting away. More sensual types of primal play can look like two animals greeting each other. The top can sniff the submissive, growl in her ear, pull her hair back and bite her neck while holding her immobile.






One caveat: if you’re going to do some of the more edgy types of primal play in a public playspace, be sure to let the DM’s know what it is you are doing. Primal play is just that…primal, and it can be disturbing to observers who may not be familiar with the concept of a s-type actually fighting back in earnest.






References





Primal Play – The Animal Within (FetLife Group)

Ramping

So what is ramping? Ramping is a process some Dom/mes use in certain

activities. It is a slow build up to a peak, holding the sub at the peak for a while and then slowly coming back down so that the endorphins/high and the feeling of closeness, care and love aren't lost.


Example of what could occur if ramping is used:


The Dom/me might take their doeskin flogger and begin the flogging with a slow steady rhythm. When they feel you have reached the plateau they wish, they would then switch to a light suede flogger. Once again when you reach a point they feel is right, they would then switch to a heavy suede flogger. Again another level is reached and they switch to a braided elephant hide flogger. Then a stingy rubber whip gets added as the sub flies/floats to another level. Now to get to that peak a single tail or cane is used. They hold you there till you think you can't take another stroke. The sensation changes its the stingy rubber whip again, then after a time the elephant flogger, now you can't put your finger on it, ahhhhh a knotted rope flogger. Slowly the sub is coming down but the high is continuing. Such a balance the Dom/me must use not to jar you out of the floating wonderful subbie high you have going. The heavy suede flogger, yummmmmm, now the light suede flogger, soft moans and sighs....the doeskin flogger.....feels like you are melting into a puddle on the floor, the room looks like it is filled with fog. Oh ah, yum bunny fur being rubbed over your flogged body, OH MY!, fingernails on freshly flogged body, yum bunny fur again. Ah my Dom/me pressing themselves into me, holding me. I feel so close, it feels so right, it feels so loving, so safe, so warm. I never want to go without this in my life, never want to be without my Dom/me. I love you Sir/Ma'am/Master/Mistress. <soft content smile> They love me too.





By: BDSM for beginners

Flogging tutorial (Florentine and other types)

I find that this tutorial is excellent, it explains not only the technique, but ways to change the way you deliver.  I highly suggest watching, and then reading on the document "Ramping".  

Dipping in the Pool of Reality

I want to share this article, in my opinion, it's one of the best I have seen out there.
Author unknown
Shared By David Coates in 2013
in BDSM support and Info

You do have rights, and you have the right to walk away. If you believe otherwise, it is time for a dip in the reality pool.

No man has an erection continuously, unless they are experiencing priapism, in which case, a doctor's visit is in order.

There is such a thing as premenstrual syndrome (PMS), and no amount of dominance is going to make it go away.

A chainsaw is not a sex toy.

Your cyber safe-word is the off button on the front of your computer. Use it!

There is going to be a time when you do not feel like having sex. It does happen, so prepare yourself mentally for it.

24/7 is not a myth. 24/7 in chains, naked and kneeling is.

There will come a time when you see your Dominant or sub scratching themselves, belching, and in need of a shower. Prepare yourself for that as well.

No one understands your collar but you. Showing it off at Wal-Mart is not exactly a statement.

The distance is not insurmountable, it is inconvenient and irritating, and it will grate on your nerves unless you fill your time with other things.

Eventually, you are going to have to take those cuffs off to take the kids to the doctor. Get used to it.
Speaking of doctors, tell yours what you are into currently, or possibly be prepared to deal with social services on a regular basis.

You really do not need another flogger. What you need is a new microwave and a pair of hundred-dollar tennis shoes for your teenager. Know when to say when to the toy bag.

People get sick. People die. Use a condom, please, unless you have been tested twice in the last year, and so has your partner.

Do not walk away from your friends. You might well need them later, when your dream Dominant turns into a frog, or your submissive into to a Decepticunt.

If you want something, ask. Ask respectfully, ask in role, ask in good faith, but ask. If you do not, chances are, you are not going get it.

Just because you call yourself a slave or Master does not mean that others will agree with your definition. Be prepared to defend your views, but do not bark at others for their opinions. They have a right to them, same as you do.

Find a way to orgasm without BDSM. You may need that someday.

There are things you will not do. Trust me. Maybe you just have not been asked to do them yet.

This is not always all about sex. Do not expect to get a nut every time you play, then you won't be disappointed when it happens to you. Orgasms are nice, but not mandatory.

Your Dominant is not clairvoyant.

Forever is not as long as you might think. Sometimes, it is just until she changes her mind again.

The Mistress is not always dressed in thigh-highs and hose. The Dominant does not always have his flogger nearby. Sometimes, it is time for sweat pants and hot cocoa.

An argument is not the end of the world. Not resolving it, however, might be.

Sometimes, a fuck is just a fuck, a beating is just a beating, and a kiss is just a kiss. Enjoy it, remember it, and move along.

I hope you have enjoyed your dip in the reality pool. Wipe your feet before going back in the house, and do not drip jism on my new wooden floors.

Author: Unknown

"Drop"

Drop is the feeling people get after an intense BDSM play session. It feels like you are inexplicably sad, tired, worn out.  Drop feels like depression, with no explanation and no relief in sight. It baffles us because we have no idea how to prevent it, almost like we can’t prevent a hangover if we choose to drink too much.  We should accept that if we choose to continue with play sessions and enjoy the intensity, we may be paying for that later.  The good news is, there are ways to reduce the chances of having it, and help our bodies recover faster.

Drop happens to subs/slaves often, but there are also times when it happens to Dom/mes.  They sometimes reach “Dom/me space”, or feel a high.  This means their bodies are reacting to intense excitement.  I will write more on that later. 

Just as a side note, a Dom/me who feels that they are reaching Dom space needs to take a step back and come back to reality; because they need to be in control of themselves and their subs AT ALL TIMES during a play session.

My slave Daniel and I have been having play sessions for years now.  I have had a drop here and there since, but lately I have had one each time, and sometimes it lasts a whole day.  It was becoming difficult to manage.

All that I have been able to gather from others who are more experienced is that it happens to us because we had an adrenaline rush and now we are coming down.  I also know that what we can do is eat some chocolate, pamper ourselves, maybe a warm bath or a good movie.
 
Since it was worse this last time, and the chocolate and ice cream didn't work, I asked my psychology professor about it.  I explained the situation in general terms and asked if there was a better way to deal with Dom drop.

He explained it this way:

All drops may not be all physical-biological.  There is always a psychological aspect to it; and if there is a problem we must pay attention to it. 

Cognitive dissonance is the principle culprit, because it is possible that even though we think that what we are doing is OK, that in the back of our mind there may be some contradictions.  Our playtime includes hurting someone we care about deeply.  We have been raised to do the opposite, and at this moment we are breaking that set of beliefs in our mind.  This means that at the moment we feel it’s all right; we understand that they like pain, but later in our subconscious it may be troublesome.

If we must continue in BDSM and having playtime, then we need to remind ourselves that this activity is acceptable.  One of the ways to deal with this is communication, talk to our sub and ask how they feel.  Just hearing that they were OK with the session will help our minds settle.  Having a mini “after action review” is good for both.  And also checking on them the next day is very important; if you don’t see them, you should call and ask them how they feel.   Talking about it helps both Dom and sub/slave as well.

I told my instructor that I went through that Dom-guilt last year, but now I feel over it, I have come to terms with myself over that portion.
 
So, he continued:  If it is not the guilt issue, it could be other psychological issues.  The chemicals in our bodies change, yes but they get back to normal after a little time.  By the next day we certainly would feel a little tired, but not as blue as the time right after play.  It only takes a few hours, if at all to “come down”.  Our bodies recover fast, and the chemicals that needed to be replaced should have been replaced the by next day, after some rest.

Now what would Freud say?  That we need to find the root of the problem, and we are just looking at the tip of the iceberg.  Our subconscious holds the key.  (yes I like Freud, he made some very good points)

When we are in a play session, sometimes issues we had buried for many years come back.  We may not realize it, but they do.  You may be in a session, and you decide to use a belt on your sub for example.  It may be that there is a memory buried deep inside of you that says: “I had my dad use a belt on me that one time when I got bad grades; I hated that punishment.  Why would I use the belt on someone else if it was such a bad experience?”  You may not recognize that this thought came up, it may be sitting around, lurking in some dark corner of your mind, waiting to start nibbling at you.

It may be other issues inside, like the fear that your family would not accept you for who you are if they found out what you like.  Or maybe guilt issues because you think the Church would frown upon it.  You may have told yourself you don’t care, or that it’s OK.  But it might be your subconscious self is not agreeing with you.

If you have Drop, and it lingers for too long.   If chocolate and comfort doesn't help, you may want to look inside yourself and come to terms with what is lurking inside.

Sometimes talking it out with a good friend helps.  It is like looking in a mirror, you can see things you didn't see before.  And may I recommend a friend who is not too close to us, someone we are comfortable with, it just works better because we open up more.

This is also why it is so important to have good after care after a play session.  It also helps with recovery.  Well, we cannot fix a recurring drop with chocolate.  But chocolate won’t hurt as long as we don’t eat the whole box. 

~Sam

Jun2013

Anal training

This is just in case someone needs it. Sorry, I only have it geared towards females.


The Female Submissive Anal Training Guide


Anal, The Big A, Ass Fucking call it what you will a large percentage of men love the idea of it, often trying it once with many a girl proclaiming that “It’s herts” and “We’re never doing that again”.


This was the case for me and KW during our vanilla period, when trying anal I rushed it and caused some issue for some time.


When entering a D/s as Dom it’s within your power (and agreed limits) to do what ever you want, often this meaning training your sub both physically and mentally.


So given my love for anal like most (In the UK 31 percent have tried it) one of my main goals was to train my sub anally, but more importantly to do it the right way, so we could both enjoy anal in the long term.


What To Do Before You Start Anal Training

Discus It:

Most women don’t like the idea of anal, some may even hate it due to a bad previous experience, so explain your goals and gain consent from your submissive.


Understand the Mechanics.

Simple put an arse is are tight, after all that’s why you want fuck it! This tightness means building up to the porn star anal sex you desire takes time (Not days or weeks but months in some cases). The anus is made up of two strong mussels which actually have to to stretched slowly and incrementally to achieve results. If you go too fast you risk tearing the anus, mean potentials long term problems for sub, that can even lead to surgery in extreme cases.


Tool Up.

With anal play having the right equipment is critical, in my opinion it can be the difference between success and failure so what do you need?


Flavoured Lube.

Best practice anal sex includes rimming (Licking the anus) as this helps relax your partners outer anus. You can make this task a lot easier and enjoyable by using flavoured lubes such as Drurex’s Range, my favourite is Cherry or Strawberry.


Anal Relaxants.

Making the ass as stretchy as possible is key to anal training and sex and its worth going beyond mental relaxation. For me and KW Pjur’s Analyse Me Spray has made a real difference. What It does is make the anal tissues stretchy and lowers sensitivity making anal play more pleasurable for your partner. I’ll explain later how to use it best.


Anal Lubes

Now an import physical aspect about the anus is that unlike a pussy it doesn’t produce it’s own lube. Due to this fact choosing the right lube makes all the difference, for anal sex and play its best to use silicone lubes like my favourite Pjur’s Silicone Lube called Back Door Glide. Silicone lubes work because unlike their water based alternative they can’t get absorbed in the skin, because if this you need a lot less. Three important points about silicone lube: 1 – it’s more expensive, however it’s well worth it if you want regular anal fun. 2 – you CAN’T use it with silicone sex toys as it cause a reaction make it ineffective. So make sure you understand what the toys you buy are made of, personally I find high grade rubber the best. 3 – Some people have allergies to silicone, so make sure you test it on different part of skin first.


Anal Toys (Butt Plugs, Beads and Dildos)


Now this part comes down to personal preference and what you sub/partner has used previously. Personally my sub had never used any anal toys before, so I decided to take the approach of you using various sizes of butt plugs.


If your dealing with a sub new to anal play and training I recommend a butt plug with about a 3.5″ circumference (its about the width of a large finger at its widest point). Once you sub is comfortable with that size you buy larger or you can buy a butt plug kit.


Hemroid/Piles Cream: Good anal training is a much about after care as any other facet of BDSM. Once you’ve finish your scene make sure you apply some high quality hemroid cream to your subs anus (Inside and out) to aid recovery.


How to Carry Out Anal Training

The above guide is for those in a non 24/7 D/s relationship where training may be less extreme or regular.


I’ve split the below training guide into two parts, first part details a single training session. The second part details how to carry out multi session training


Training Session Guide:

Through all of the below steps I suggest stimulating your sub’s pussy or clit to help associate a strong link between pleasure and anal play/sex.


Get Your Sub Relaxed. You want to get your sub as relaxed as possible, focus on music and light. If it helps a single glass of wine can help relax a nervous sub further, how ever don’t let them get to drunk as they will be able to tell when anal play goes from uncomfortable to painful.

Rimming: If you want anal expect to rim. Get your sub in your favoured position (My preference is Face Down, Ass Up) Then apply some flavoured lube to her anus and rim away, using your tong to penetrate where possible.

Apply Relaxing Spray. Relaxant Sprays can several minutes to work effectively, so apply your spray of choice directly to arse hole and work it in as part of step 4.

Thumb and Finger Play. With the spay applied start playing with your subs arse, push on the hole to help get your sub comfortable with the pressure. Now is also a great time to instruct you sub suck you while you play.

Butt Plug Training: This is ware anal training really starts. Once your subs arse is fully felling the effects of the relaxant, it’s time to start plug training, follow the below steps.

Apply silicone lube to your subs arse and the butt plug

Get your sub to tense and then relax their anus, just after th relax push in the plug a little. This exercise really helps relax the anus further. Also get your sub to breath deeply through each push.

Repeat step 2 above till the plug is ether completely in or a far as the sub can cope with.

With plug at it maximum depth (Ether fully inserted to the based or at the maximum depth your sub can cope with) leave it there for several minutes. Aim to increase this time each anal training session

If your sub very comfortable with a specific plug size I suggest pushing them a little by fucking the arse at their at the plugs widest point


So How Do You So Fuck a Girls Arse?


Personally I would only move onto anal sex until after your sub is comfortable with a basic butt plug over several minutes, if she’s still having difficulty wait till another session.


How successful you are depends on your length and girth, so if you’ve small dick your in luck, if you have a big dick it’s going to take longer to achieve results.


Personally I always have anal sex after training, however it’s also a slow process. As with butt plugs make sure you use silicone lube before starting, if your anal training is going well your sub arse should gape a little after removing the plug and when you ask them to pull their cheeks apart.


6 Steps to Ass Fucking

Carry out anal training first, this will help get her as stretch and ready your subs ass you.

Find the right position, the easiest for anal initially is with your sub on her back holding her legs to raise her ass to your dick.

Now try the head of your cock first and take the same time as you would with plug.

Only increase depth gradually, it takes time get full penetration. It may take many sessions to get that full porn star anal you want.

Anal After Care: After a session (In non 24/7 D/s context) it’s best to leave 1-2 Day till you carry out further anal training. This is especially true once when pushing your sub’s physical limits with large plugs and deeper anal sex.

In addition to the above point I also suggest applying hemorrhoid (piles) cream to your subs arse after most anal sessions. Unless there very comfortable with that size plug/depth. This ether speeds up recover or ensure any damage done is minimized.

Carrying Out Anal Training in the Long Run

So you had your first session, your submissive recovered well and your ready to go further and carry out Anal Training over multiple session?


In my opinion you should only graduate to the next session when your sub is easily coping with her current session.


For example you may need to repeat a session several times till your sub an easily handle a specific size of butt plug.


So here you go my multi session guide to anal training for non 24/7 D/s relationships .


Session 1: Rimming and Finger Play. Get your sub used to you playing with her arse my favorite way to this is to have her rub her pussy while on all fours while I eat her ass out. I suggest repeating this session twice and judge her feedback, although you should have already discussed anal play when agreeing limits.

Session 2: As above, but try using the tip of a 3.5″ (Circumference) butt plug. Just pushing in the top in while monitoring your subs reaction. Leave a 2 day gap for recovery.

Session 3: Follow session 1, but aim to get the plug inserted fully into your subs arse, take your time doing this getting your sub to breathe through it and don’t rush. Aim to leave plug fully for 2 minutes before removal. Repeat this session till its in for 10 minutes. Leaving 1-2 days between session not forgetting aftercare.

Session 4: As above, but try to start fuck her ass with the widest part of the plug. Repeat session twice, again leaving recover days between sessions.

Session 5: As above, but when you remove the plug try pushing just the tip of your cock head in her ass. After 10 minutes of plug play her ass should gap a little, a good sign for further play.

Session 6: Follow all the steps as normal with a 3.5″ plug, but after removal graduate to a 4.5″ plug, again as with a 3.5″ plug it make take several repeats of this session to get the plug fully inserted.

Session 7: Moving on from session 6, you should be able to achieve gentle ass fucking with a little more depth.

Session 8: Going through all the steps, move up to 5.5″ circumference butt plug (Provide your sub can easily handle a 4.5″ plug), taking your time and sessions to achieve full insertion of the plug.

Session 9: If you sub can easily handle the 5.5″ plug you should be able after a full training session (Rimming, 3.5-5.5″ training) be able to start achieve deeper and in some cases slight harder ass fucking.


~Nick N.

(BDSM International)

Compiled by Sam Marie

2Nov15