I could not stomach the 50 shades book; a friend had asked me to read it. I tried, but I just could not get past the girl’s blushing; it sounded like a love struck teenager wrote it. I did go watch the movie with my sub; I was curious. I totally understand the feelings portrayed ever so slightly by Christian; he seemed so repressed and miserable, but there was something that seemed familiar. I was hung up on one thing though. When Anastasia asked him if he gets off on beating women, and then asked why he can’t be normal. I felt like it hit a nerve. So if he is a sadist, and enjoys giving pain to another, that makes him a monster? There is a huge difference between consensual BDSM (where there is consensual pain), and abuse, (non-consensual pain).
I know many Dominants are not into pain, it is different in my case. So this explains part of my motivation. Since I was 12 I have been having fantasies that I thought would make me a monster. The things that turned me on always involved violence, but I never said a thing. I was going to catholic school, I didn’t even tell the priest at the confessional. I was terrified that someone may find out, I was afraid of my own drive at this point. I suppressed it for a long time, but my day dreams were always violent and about control over another person. I have a hard time even as I write it out now.
I was taught D/s when I was 18-19, but I didn’t get as far as pain was concerned. I still had my monster suppressed very securely in the dark recesses of my heart. I sometimes slipped up and hurt my partner during sex, but he seemed to not take notice much. We would usually be drinking, and I don’t think he remembers.
A few years ago, my best friend asked to become my sub. He submitted to me and it blew me away. We had been talking for years, and at some point I told him I had this monster. I told him about some of my fantasies. When he was receptive, so I let out all my secrets. He wanted to be mine, and receive the pain that I may give. I tried it once, and then switched to feel what he felt. I realized I loved every bit of it, except I am resistant to giving up control. But now I felt the other end of the stick, so to speak. Now I understood why he liked it, and it made me weak in the knees. We both found acceptance of our deepest desires, and it was amazing that we found our other puzzle piece.
I do not “get off” by beating people. What turns me on is feeling his fire. He enjoys the pain I give, he accepts me for who I am, a sadist. He doesn’t accept the pain only to make me happy; I can tell by his body language that he enjoys what I have to give. That feeds into me, and back into him. As I use implements to cause him pain, I often ask how he is doing. He has told me that he can tell if I am not giving my all, and controlling myself too much.
Sometimes playtime is like walking a tight rope; you have to walk that thin line between total control over yourself and your emotions, and loosing yourself. When you start losing yourself, that is called Dom-space. When you are about to “lose it” you need to stop immediately; your sub’s safety is now at risk. When I got there the first time, it frightened me. I felt like I was enjoying it too much, and about to lose control. I was flogging my sub, and was hitting harder and harder. He was sweating and had been feeling a lot of pain by now. Somehow between his body language and the music, I wanted so badly to let go. You know, like when a horse decides to ignore the rider and run wild with no control whatsoever. I heard my sub scream in pain, (he doesn’t do that often, this was probably the only time). That threw me over the edge, and I had to stop immediately. If I remember correctly I dropped to my knees, and put down the flogger. I had to breathe, and regain my control; it felt better than any sex, ever. It was a high like no other. So now what? Does that make me a monster? I stand on my belief that it would only make me one, if I was doing this to an unwilling victim. Once I regained my control I got up and started winding my sub down to cool down. We had a talk later about it.
What I am getting at, is that I agree that we all have a monster inside. Most people either block it out, or repress it. Some people hate that monster; others are terrified to even acknowledge it. I am grateful to be one of the few lucky ones who are able to control and embrace this monster. I have been so relieved to have found others like me, and find out I am not alone. I met some wonderful people at our local dungeon. I saw that we are not completely crazy, but fortunate to have found our other half to our puzzle. We have a deep understanding of ourselves and our submissives. Our subs are our most precious possession, and we treasure them accordingly. Our connection is so much deeper, because there is a great acceptance, and huge trust.
I have found myself circling my sub like a wild animal about to pounce on their prey, and it’s totally acceptable to us. I feel free to be myself, and I feel so alive at that precise moment. I am only telling you what I see and feel from my perspective, everyone’s experiences are different.
As excited as we all feel of being able to control our monster, and let it come out to play, unfortunately it’s not something we can be openly proud of. Some things need to be kept private; we can’t go out to buy groceries with a slave on a leash, but we can smile on the thought of them waiting for us when the time comes to be with them.
~Sam
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