EDUCATION

I have been watching things go by online and I encountered something in one of my groups that got my feathers very ruffled. 

As the post was going by, I couldn’t believe what I read.  A sub was saying that his Dom seemed to have done something that she thought was odd, so we all started talking to her and it became clear to me that he didn’t know how to be a Dom.  I pointed that out, and kindly suggested that he try to educate himself on the subject of BDSM.   I also mentioned that it would be a good idea for him to find a mentor who could guide him.  Her response was that he is very likely not going to do that, he didn’t believe in learning, he thought he already knew what he needed to know.

Now seeing this from my point of view, I believe that in the case of BDSM, ignorance can be very dangerous, especially from someone who is supposed to be in charge of another person.

How can someone put their life in the hands of another, if that other has no idea what he/she is doing Even though I didn’t know the rest of the story, this statement had frightened me. 

People may think, “this is easy, I can play too!”  But STOP and think first. 

-Did you know that choking someone by squeezing the neck can cause irreversible damage to the vocal cords?  You can crush the larynx, you could restrict the oxygen to the brain for too long and cause brain damage.  There are so many things that look fun, but can cause severe injuries if not done carefully and properly.  There is a way to choke someone for fun, in a safe way.  I had to learn that too at one point; but I would not have tried anything that extreme without knowing how to do it safely. 

-Did you know that by slapping someone on the face hard, you can cause brain bruising.  And that if you continue doing this, (day in, day out) you can cause brain damage?  You don’t believe me?  Talk to a retired boxer.

-Did you know that after flogging someone for some time, when they hit subspace and come down; if you throw cold water at them trying to force them back, you can send them into shock?

Here is an example of a date night with some dude you just met:

You can think you have your date with your new “Dom to be”.  You have met him and liked him. You have gone over limits and safe-words, you have set up a friend who you can call in case you need help.  You can take a lot of safety steps. 

Now think of the reality of it.  You are going out with a man you barely know, and you have no idea who taught him what he knows.  He told you he is a Dom, but do you know who mentored him?  Where did he learn BDSM from?  A reputable book? Porn movies? Fantasy Novels? 

You get to the hotel room, and he has you undress and starts using rope to tie you r wrists behind your back.  Do you know that if he ties you too tight or wrong, he can cause nerve damage or skin necrosis?  No, you won’t feel a thing, but later you can see the damage and it’s too late.  Well now your wrists are tied and your ankles are tied.  He blindfolds you and gags you.  He starts hurting you in miscellaneous ways, and then you find that he is trying to do something you didn’t agree upon.  Now, how do you call your friend?  How do you use your safe-word? How will you scream?  In the worst case, he gets on top of you, and your face is now buried in the pillow.  He has no way of knowing he needs to check on you and continues to have his fun while you begin suffocating.  You try to scream but all he hears is groans and figures you are having fun.  Then you stop breathing.   While it wasn’t his intention, the consequences can be terrible.

If he only would have taken the time to learn how to tie properly, how to use implements without causing real damage, how to make sure you are ok, how to use a safe-word when gagged.   If only he would have learned how to be safe, it could have been avoided.

I am just presenting this to illustrate in a simple way why education is so important. 

A Dom/me’s priority is his/her sub’s safety and well being. 

There is so much to being a Dom, slapping a title on yourself isn’t enough.  A Dom/me is what a sergeant is to a private.  What a father is to a child. He leads, helps guides, loves nurtures and protects the sub.  A Dom/me is not one of those men online that think that bullying people to do what he wants is all it takes.  A Dom/me should educate him/her self in order to be the best he/she can be for the sub.   A person who thinks they know it all is a dangerous person and should be avoided.

My slave is my precious possession.  I will always continue reading, learning, improving myself.  If I have no ambition, how can I expect him to have any?  If I don’t care enough for him to continue learning and growing as a person, then I have no business having a slave.  A slave looks up to their Dom/me; therefore the Dom/me should lead by example.  Nobody is perfect, but we can strive to improve.  We “Dom/mes” are not perfect, we are only human.  But we can be the best we can be because, trust is not demanded, it is earned. 

A Dom/me should act in a way that is deserving of a sub’s dedication, loyalty and service.  Just as much as a sub should work on being the best submissive he/she can be to make their Dom/me proud and reflect positively on him/her. 

My best advice when meeting someone new, is to meet at a public dungeon.  A fake Dom will stand out like a sore thumb in there, and you can tell how to proceed from there. If he is honest and says he is new and needs to learn, what better place.  Most people in dungeons are willing to help others, and teach them.  We don’t know it all, but we are glad to share what we have learned. 

Besides that, since sometimes it’s not possible to go to a dungeon.  It is good to introduce them to educational BDSM groups online, or ask others in the lifestyle with experience to help mentor. Maybe even ask for book recommendations, but I think talking to someone with experience is the best route.

I think that the best way of protecting ourselves is education, for subs, but most of all for the Dom/mes.  A Dom/me is the one holding the sub/slave’s life in their hands.  I have not even started to go into the sub’s psychological aspect.  All I will say now, and yes I am repeating it.  People are not toys!  You can seriously mess someone up, physically and psychologically by treating BDSM like a game and people as toys.

Have fun, play hard, stay safe.

~Sam