I
have been reading some posts online about conflict. It seems some people have an issue in which
their partner is not interested in the BDSM lifestyle, or is interested only in
one portion of it. I have seen it to
the extreme in which someone wants to end their marriage because their partner
is not “Dominant enough”, or “not submissive enough”. In this article, I want to approach this
issue from the angle of conflict resolution.
Conflict is what happens when two or
more people have a disagreement. When
people come face to face with conflict, their reaction to it can be different
depending on their personalities. One
path people take is fighting; they come across aggressively because they feel
it’s the safer way to argue their point to get what they want. Others take the opposite route and submit;
they give up what they want to avoid conflict.
This may later lead to resentment towards their partner. Others may choose to escape, maybe by
watching TV or playing games online so they can forget about the issue, but the
issue is still there, lurking unresolved.
It may sometimes happen that a person takes the Opossum attitude, and
they freeze up, and cannot go forward to try to reach a resolution. We commonly refer to this as “shutting down”.
The best way to deal with conflict
is collaborative resolution. This
resolution contains three steps to be followed.
The first step is offering your suggestion. Second step is examining the underlying
concerns. The third step is finding a
mutually agreeable resolution (Heilter, 2012)
Start by choosing a good time to talk, you know your partner
well, so you should be able to catch them in an approachable mood. In my case, the best time is with some wine,
soft music and a hot bath. There is no
distraction form TV or cell phone, no internet.
It mellows him out, and we can just talk. When the time is right, present the issue at
hand. Make sure not to come across as
accusing or cornering. Instead of, “I
want you to pay more attention to me.”
Or, “You never spend time with me!” Instead try, “I would like us to
spend more time together because I love you, and I enjoy your company”. The same issue was addressed, just in a
different and less aggressive manner. So
state your suggestion on how to resolve the conflict and then ask him to do the
same.
The second step: Examine the underlying cause. For example, the reason you want him to spend
more time with you. After that it is his
turn, he can explain his side. Listening
is very important for both sides, and trying to understand the other side’s
point of view. The Third step is finding
common ground. What can you give up to
help reach a nice middle ground, and what can he give up. A little on each side can work wonders. (Heilter,
2012)
And now we will take a look at the
D/s side of things. I will present an example scenario: You do everything around the house, make
decisions and plan things. You want to be submissive, and be taken care of, or
dominated completely, but your partner is not cooperating and seems un-interested. Maybe you can make your plan on how to manage
this. Communication is very important;
you can talk about how you feel, and ask him/her how he/she feels about
it. Living the lifestyle 24/7 is very
difficult, especially when you may have a job and/or children. We do not live in a Fairy Tale; this is real
life, but there are so many ways you can still work it out.
Maybe you can take charge of all
things in daily life during the day.
Plan a night on the weekend when you take a time out with your partner,
and ask him/her to take charge for the evening. This is much more manageable and less
threatening or overwhelming. D/s is hard
work; it takes a lot to be dominant, even when it’s in your nature. Takes time to learn and practice and plan, it
also takes a lot of energy out of you.
Trying to do this all the time can be exhausting.
Take it slow in the beginning, he may
like to tie you to the bed and cover you in baby oil, or he may want to use a
violet wand on you, or other non-impact toys.
Floggers are awesome, but not for everyone, and might be intimidating
for someone who is starting out. If your
partner wants to learn or see what it’s like, you both could find a dungeon
nearby and visit. Make sure to find out their
rules and read about etiquette first, you both must read those before you
attend. When there, just walk around
watch, learn and discuss what you see afterwards, to see what he likes and what
he doesn’t like. Talking to others also
helps, online or at a munch. Then you
can find a compromise. Keep in mind that
if he is new to this, you might want to take baby steps. Otherwise, you can overwhelm someone, and
they will take the fleeing or Opossum options.
Remember that we are all human. When you take a vanilla person, and show them
all the awesome things in books (or online) that dominants are supposed to do, you may intimidate that person. If that happened to me, I’d probably panic;
I can’t transform myself into that awesome being! Keep in mind that a lot of
what we read is exaggerated, some is fiction and a small portion is real life,
and even then, it may be embellished.
Don’t believe all the things you read!
It is almost like a man showing his girl a porn film and asking her to
be that. She isn’t going to be very receptive
because first of all, the girls in the films are models, and some of them can
act. It is not reality, and the
expectations to measure up can make a girl run.
Please be reasonable on your expectations.
Exercise patience and
understanding. Talk together and maybe
you will discover that your partner might not start all out a Dom/me, but may
start as a top by playing games in bed with you. Like I had mentioned, baby oil, or maybe wax
play, there are many fun options. Even
starting with tying your wrists with stockings, blindfolding you, then dusting
you with honey dust and licking it all off.
These type of things may be a lot of fun and is less overwhelming for
him/her.
Then tailor the activities and the
timing to your life and talk together.
You may have to take the initiative in communicating, suggesting, and
planning initially. I found a good way
to find out what my sub wants, was by having him write in a blog. He wrote a fictional short story about what
he would like to experience in a play session.
He wrote it as if it was happening to him, and he did an amazing
job. It is a great way to communicate
what you want. Keep in mind that we Dominants
can take what we like from it, and plan our playtime our way while keeping in
mind the “wish list”. I also ask him to
write an “after action review” after playtime.
What went well, what needs improvement and what he might like to try
next.
I hope you all don’t give up too
easy, try to communicate your wishes in the way that best works for you. Don’t forget to ask your partner what his/her
wishes are as well. It is not about
“what I want”, you have to take in account what he/she wants as well. Listen to your partner and follow the three
steps of collaborative conflict resolution. I wish you the best, and hope
something good comes out of all of this.
Now a personal question for those
who have done this before: How did you get started?
Light
spankings, a little bondage?
For the new ones: Which activities
do you think would be best for you to start with?
~Sam
Marie
References:
Heitler, Susan, Ph.D., “Resolution Not Conflict, a Guide to Problem-Solving” (2012) from
Psychology Today, Obtained from: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201211/what-makes-conflict-how-are-conflicts-resolved
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