About Reliability

 You saw something or read something and now you want to look further into BDSM.  So, where do you start?  You google search just to find a ton of information and become overwhelmed.

There are endless sites, blogs, articles and such that tell you what BDSM is.  Most information sites have similarities, but which one to read?  How do you know which one is from a reputable source?  How do we know a person isn’t just making stuff up as they go? 

Take in account that BDSM is a lifestyle that people adopt; each person adopts it in a different way, so it fits their life better.  Some may want kinky sex, others may want extreme pain.  There are all different kinds of configurations for this lifestyle.

So, you could start by looking in Wikipedia, that seems like a good source.  Keep in mind that schools do not accept information from Wikipedia as a research source for schoolwork.  They require something more substantial, Wikipedia is not reliable as a source for research, but it is a start.

After that, you sort through different articles and blogs.  Those are written by someone who has adopted the lifestyle in their own way.  They tell you what it is about from their perspective, they are biased.  There is no way to avoid that, you just have to find what fits you best, and use common sense.

Then when you look through pictures, many of them are very sexualized, and some show you some quite frightening torture instruments.  Don’t be intimidated by all this, it is just someone’s idea, someone’s kink.  We all have our own, that may not be yours.  Also remember, most pictures you see on Facebook are pictures of models, posing.  Many people can’t get in some positions, or much less stay that way for a session.  It is unpractical, and unreal.

Then you eventually go looking in Facebook.  There is an endless parade of groups, and you now are seeing different terms being used, and still it seems all overwhelming.

When you pick a group to request to be let in.  I am suspecting you look for ones with higher numbers of members.  Once you come inside, please read the rules and follow them.

As you settle in and introduce yourself, you may get a barrage if instant messages of people claiming to be Dom/me.  Some may even try to intimidate or corner you.

Being a female in a BDSM Facebook group can be difficult, because inevitably there are many men who assume females must be submissive.  Which is not in my case, so I do resent generalizations.

But, seeing as you are new, and you have not found where you belong in this new world, people may try to tell you what you are.  Do not listen to just anyone.  The Dom you just met might be some teenager in their parent’s basement behind that keyboard.  Calling themselves Dom Doodlehead and trying to issue commands doesn’t make them a Dom.  Unfortunately many of the fakes immediately demand nude pictures or web cam “sessions”.

One thing to keep in mind is that if you send pictures, they will tell you how sexy you are and you believe them.  Then you may be inclined to send more, yes it’s an ego boost.  But remember; he can post those in porn sites, or worse, use them as blackmail to you later when you want to stop contact with them.

Web cam chat, many times it will end up with the dude asking you to get naked and play with yourself, with some lame excuse that he is helping you discover yourself.  I say run away!  They can record these sessions, and later use them for blackmail, or spread them all over the internet.  I have seen women, and men, crying later when they are threatened with sending such recordings to their spouses.  THINK before you do something like that. 

The best advice I can give, is when you come into a group, watch, read first.  See who is regular in there, who is respected by others.  If someone shows interest in you and you start talking, ask questions, even maybe message the Admins and ask about that person; something similar to checking references for a prospective job.  After that you can even ask that person that wanted to talk to you, if you can contact some of their friends and ask about them.

BDSM is about trust, about a power exchange, it is an art that requires dedication, love, balance.  It is something beautiful, and it is sad that people use it as an excuse to cheat on their spouses, or to obtain porn that they don’t want to pay for online.  It could be even worse, if you run into a psycho sadist that wants to hurt someone and possibly even kill someone, looking for a “foot in the door”.  You don’t want to be “it”.

Be safe, use common sense above all. 

~Sam