ABOUT DUNGEONS

I have noticed that looking around in Facebook pages and groups, that most people like to be like everyone else.  When going into groups, I see that the subs are mostly women, who have this idea of a knight in shining armor that will come save them from themselves.  They will be the perfect loving couple, and he will make sure she is completely happy and taken care of.  Sorry to burst your bubble, that is not how it works.  Relationships take time to build, I already wrote an article on that, so I will not repeat myself.  BDSM can be experienced in more ways than that one way; it is not a cookie cutter thing.

It is sad then when I see the women who already are married; they look at the lifestyle longingly and suddenly thinking the grass is greener on the other side.  Yes cliché, but it is very common.  Always remember; the grass seems greener there, because it was covered with bullshit. 

When I first started going in the groups, I noticed most women think a romantic relationship is an essential part of BDSM.  In my opinion, a romantic relationship is not necessary.  You can have a romantic relationship completely independently of BDSM, and a BDSM relationship without sex or falling in love.  But then again I am very open to possibilities.  You can experience only the S&M (Sadism and Masochism)  part of BDSM, or only the D/s part.  (Dominant, submissive).  There are so many possibilities, you don’t have to be like everyone else!

I started going to a dungeon near home a few years ago, it had recently opened and I was thrilled.  I read online about it, and sent an e-mail to the owners.  They sent me some paperwork explaining the rules etiquette, and membership.  The first time I was there, I thought I was going to cry.  It was like Disneyland for me!  The place was so welcoming, and the people were amazing, open and down to earth.

I immediately could tell that the people there were so different than the ones on Facebook.  These people were there to have fun.  After a couple of visits, I had some people walk up to me and ask me for a session, which turned out to be so much fun.  As much as most people are nude, things don’t seem obscene, and there is no sex involved.  People walk around half nude or nude, because they feel free, and comfortable in their own skin.  Others don’t stare, or make them uncomfortable as it would be in any other place.  Everyone is respectful and grown up about things, which the way it should be.

I have met some great Dom/mes that I have learned so much from.  Every time I go to a play party I learn something new.  I have met great people and it is a truly enjoyable experience.

If you wonder what you will find there; it seems like a torture chamber, but in a fun way.  They have different BDSM furniture at your disposal.  You could look up BDSM furniture online and find out what it is used for so you can get an idea of what you are looking at when you go. There is certain etiquette to follow.  Each dungeon has their own way of making it work so everyone has fun.  The one I go to has a changing room, which comes in handy.  It also has a sitting room, and a main room, and separate themed rooms you can use.  Most dungeons do not allow alcoholic beverages, the one I go to allows you to bring your own; but if they see you drunk or unsafe you are booted.  Each dungeon has their own dress code.  Please do not show up in flip flops and shorts! 

When I find people online who want to try BDSM, I suggest going to a dungeon.   They can look around, and meet other people.  The person you have sessions with doesn’t have to be your sexual partner, or husband or anything.  It can be a casual pain session, a scene.   (I don’t suggest going there without informing your S.O.)  I also suggest you go a few times and observe first.  That way you can see who is well known, who seems knowledgeable, who is available.   You could also ask the people who run it if you want a session, who is ok to ask.

I think honesty in this case is the best option.  Talking to your S.O., and maybe even taking them along is a good idea, even if it is just to mingle and watch.  I have been to the dungeon with my husband, who doesn’t participate; and also with my slave, who does.  I also have gone with both. 

You can learn a lot, most people there are more than willing to talk and share what they can.  Dungeons often also offer classes and demonstrations.

To find a public dungeon near you, you can either Google it, or better yet, go into Fetlife, and look for events in your area.  When going into Fetlife, be very careful, many predators roam that place.  If strangers message you, just delete, you don’t owe them anything!  I like the anonymity of FB.  In Fetlife, people can figure out where I live and which dungeon I go to.  It would be so easy for some stalked to find you.  Please be safe above all.

Once you locate a public dungeon (I don’t recommend private ones.  You never know who is in running it or what happens in there).  Then look up their rules and etiquette, find out when they have classes, that is the best way to ask questions and meet people.

If you are concerned about people hitting on you, I can say, that doesn’t happen much in those places.  It is not a bar, people usually have manners.  Most dungeons have dungeon Masters who watch out for the guests.  Since most Dom/mes or Master/Mistress know etiquette, they will nor approach a collared sub/slave.  You can wear a collar if you would like to be left alone.  Some dungeons have protection collars available for nervous single people.  You can also talk to the people who run the dungeon, and explain that you are new, and nervous.  They usually will be happy to help guide you in the right direction.

*Note:  Don’t forget that if you are going to play with someone, you both need to sit some place and go over limits and safe words.  The Dom/me should show the sub the toys that will be used as well.  If you ever call your safe-word (loud please) and the Dom/me doesn’t stop, the Dungeon Masters or the other Dom/mes will stop the session and remove the Dom/me.  That is a huge infraction in the BDSM community and should never happen.   This is what makes it an ideal place to have BDSM fun, because you are not alone.

Get out there, look around learn, have fun, but please do not forget common sense.

~Sam