Submission

WHAT IS A DOMINANT?

I have been pondering something.  I have several documents, and seen so many more gong by, that explain what a sub is.  We all have our own ideas of it would be like.  Every relationship is different, but the basic idea is there. I want to discuss what a Dominantis and what he/she isn’t.

A Dominant is the person who has control in a D/s relationship.  The amount of control is given by the sub and agreed by both.  The sub has rights, and is not a pushover.  A sub can discuss limits and also the amount of control they will agree to.  A sub willingly gives this control to the Dominant.  Control is never taken, cohered or forced upon anyone; it has to be given freely. 

When the sub offers his/her submission to the Dominant, the Dominant can accept or reject such offer.  Once the Dominant accepts submission, he has a job to do.

A Dominant is to take the amount of control agreed to, and use it for the good of the sub.  He/she is to train the sub to serve him/her.   The Dominant should then help the sub grow, blossom, and thrive.   The Dominant is to look for the good of the sub. 

A sub is the Dominant’s most treasured possession.  Imagine that, you own a whole human being!  You are responsible for that sub.  They will follow you, look up to you, and trust you.  You are responsible for their well being, emotionally, physically. 

A Dom/me has also the responsibility of educating him/herself.  If their ego says they cannot learn from another more experienced Dom/me, or even from books or information available, they are not a Dom/me.  This kind of person can present a danger to a sub.  It used to be that a Dom/me became one, only after learning what it is to serve as a sub for a certain amount of time, and then trained by someone with more experience.  Now people just slap a title and go out announcing themselves as one; which is fine, if they educate themselves, and continue looking for learning opportunities.  How are they going to ask their sub to learn, if they do not lead by example?  Being a Dom/me, a person should know that they will need to invest a lot of time and energy into being the best they can be for their sub.  It is not something that comes easy, it is something the people involved need to work on constantly.  Like a garden, it needs to be tended all the time. It is more work than a vanilla relationship, but so much worth it.

While I am on the subject, I want to  talk about a pet peeve of mine.  I have seen in groups a big interest in training your sub to cum on command.  In my opinion, training to have a sub cum only on your command may in fact damage her for life.  If or when you get tired of that sub, or for any other reason the relationship ends, she may not be able to cum again without your voice.  The mind is a powerful thing, don’t underestimate conditioning. That, I believe is unfair, if you train her to do that just to give yourself an ego boost; if done for that reason, it is selfish and cruel.  Things like this should be reserved for people in more stable long term relationships, rather than new ones.

Also a reminder, just in case.  When working with humiliation, the Dominant should instill a ritual at the beginning of play and at the end, telling the sub exactly when it starts and ends.  So the sub doesn’t take any berating or humiliation with them in their hearts.  It is good to do this all the time, to be clear of begin and end of playtime, but in this case it is more important.

Now I will speak of what a Dom/me isn’t.  A Dominant using a sub only for sex on demand, only for his pleasure, is not a Dominant.  All terms should be discussed at the beginning of the relationship.  But mainly a Dom/me is to nurture and love their sub, to help them grow and feel safe and loved.  The sub in return will make it his/her priority to please their Dom/me. 

A Dom/me is not someone who demands nudes to consider you as a sub.  It is not someone who demands web cam time to see the sub entertain him with her body.  This may be part of it, but it also includes many other things.  There should be an emotional and mental connection, an interest in the sub as a whole person, heart mind, body.  This doesn’t necessarily mean there has to be a romantic connection, but a deep care and interest in the person, as a whole person.

I will say it again, animals can have sex, it takes not skill. BDSM is an art, and it is an art that is not dependant on, or focused on sex.  It is not an excuse to cheat on a spouse, or an excuse to use people.  It is not a way to get a Dominant what he/she wants on demand with no regards for the sub.  Subs are not just hanging around online (or in person) waiting for some stranger to pop up, talk pretty to them and then start demanding to be entertained.  That’s what porn sites are for.

Dom/mes, you are to have control over yourself, and treat others as you like to be treated.  I would also advise you try any toy on yourself, before using it on your sub. 

Subs, remind yourself that a sub is not a doormat, you can be submissive, but be careful who you submit to.  You always have a voice, you can always speak up.  You can always walk away.   If you walk away from an abusive situation, it will not make you less of a sub, it will make you a smart sub.  Submissives are not weak!  They are loving people who want to dedicate themselves to serving another, who in exchange, will cherish them as their love and their most prized possession.

~Sam