Always be prepared

By Sam Marie


This is mostly for the Dominants, but submissives should help as well. When you plan your playtime and set up your toys and implements before a play session, remember that you have more things to prepare. An aftercare basket should be nearby, and a first aid kit should be readily accessible.

After-care is essential after playtime.

After receiving such a rush of adrenaline and other chemicals rushing through you body, you need to be able to have the time and space to come down. The Dominant should be careful so he/she does not hit Dom/me-space, because they need to be in control all the time. But the submissive could have been in sub-space, or even hovering close to it. Dominant and submissive should know each other well by now, and have communicated all needs. So what should be in an aftercare basket? It depends on the specific needs. I usually will keep some cool, (not iced) water, a chocolate bar, (I like Lyndt dark; it is very pure) a light blanket, a towel and baby wipes. Water is great to have nearby. I suggest bottled water, so you don’t spill it like I do. It is easy to do, especially when working with floggers in a semi dark room).

Now as for the first aid kit.

You could have a regular one at hand. Remember to take in account and communicate any and all medical conditions. I am not a doctor, but I will tell you that when having intense play time, your blood sugar can drop suddenly. I had that happen once, and I it caught me by surprise. I was able to grab the chocolate I had in the basket. After that, I kept glucose tablets nearby. So think about what kind of supplies might be a good idea to keep nearby.



I suggest you keep emergency scissors, in case you need to cut through clothes or rope in a hurry. The Dominant should make sure that in case of an emergency; he/she can free the submissive immediately and help him/her escape to safety. Some places are prone to earthquakes, others to tornadoes; make sure you keep that in mind.

As a submissive, if your Dominant cannot take the time to provide aftercare for you, then he/she doesn’t need to be having playtime with you. You need someone that cares enough to tend to you afterwards.

After-care does not end there. If you do not live together, or if the Dominant has to be at work the next day, he/she needs to check on the sub by phone, text, or other type of message. Just knowing that they care helps. If the sub experiences drop after playtime, there are some things that can help. Here is a link to a document I wrote on drop. I didn’t specify if it is sub drop, or Dom drop. It’s drop either way. http://misssamsoffice.blogspot.com/2015/01/drop.html

Remember as with any BDSM activity, to keep it SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual)

Once you get all the basics covered and safety becomes habit, then you can focus more on the breathtaking experience.

What would you put in your after-care basket?

~Sam

The "Underage Little" Myth.

I wish parents with teenagers would read this and keep an eye on their kids. We have as of lately had an alarming amount of children insisting on joining BDSM groups, claiming to be littles or daddies. How on earth is someone a "Daddy Dom" at 13? These kids still need parenting, they are still kids!
PARENTS, PLEASE INFORM YOURSELVES. If you have any questions on this subject, message me.
~Sam

The "Underage Little" Myth.
By Geneva Ballinger, shared with permission, on March 25, 2016

There has been much discussion recently on numerous social media sights outlining the "pros" and "cons" regarding allowance or denial of "Underage Littles" into the online BDSM communities. Some people believe that underage Littles should be allowed within the community, many believe underage Littles should only be allowed in the "Safe for Work" spaces of the community, while others, such as myself, believe there is no such thing as an underage Little.

A Little is an adult submissive who finds joy in embracing his or her inner child which may present itself by exhibiting behaviours or presenting with vernacular deemed younger than their biological age; however for the little it is imperative to that this dynamic is about the caregiving rather than the age-play which This dynamic often involves behaving, speaking, or dressing in a child-like manner or engaging in typical child-appropriate activities, and may or may not involve sex or other adult-appropriate themes and activities. While most Littles and their Mommy or Daddy Doms find age play to be sexually stimulating, there are also many who do not associate being a Little with sex at all". The first sentence of the description is paramount in understanding why a person who is under the legal age of consent cannot participate in the Little community on any level.

Littles are a sub category submissive within the community known as BDSM (Bondage-Discipline/Dominance-Submission/Sadism-Masochism) and as such a person is required to be of the legal age of consent before entering into any aspect of the community. Although I have given the above information to a multitude of people across the world, the message does not yet seem to have penetrated, so I will now outline a cornucopia of reasons why people under the age of consent cannot participate on any level within the BDSM scene, nor any sub categories thereof including Little-space or the Caregiving Paradigm.

Lets first look at the laws surrounding age of consent - for the purpose of transparency I am making it clear that I will only be referring to Australian Laws as they are the laws that govern myself and my local BDSM/DDLG community, these are the laws I have worked with at the Magistrates Court and at a variety of sexual health education and awareness organisations, as well as the laws that I refer to in my psychosexual therapy practice while running psychoeducational groups or during private consultations. The age of consent in Australia is 16 for oral or vaginal penetration (phallically (penis), digitally (fingers) or by use of an external object) and 18 for sodomy (same stipulations regarding penetration method) in QLd, however these ages vary from state to state;
ACT Crimes Act 1900 (Section 55)
The age of consent for sexual interactions is 16 years.
NSW Crimes Act 1900 (Section 66C)
The age of consent for sexual interactions is 16 years.
NT Criminal Code Act 1983 (Section 127)
The age of consent for sexual interactions is 16 years.
QLD Criminal Code Act 1899 (Sections 208 and 215)
The age of consent for anal sex (referred to as sodomy in legislation) is 18 years, and for all other sexual acts (referred to as carnal knowledge in legislation) is 16 years.
SA Criminal Law Consolidation Act 1935 (Section 49)
The age of consent for sexual interactions is 17 years.
TAS Criminal Code Act 1924 (Section 124)
The age of consent for sexual interactions is 17 years.
VIC Crimes Act 1958 (Section 45)
The age of consent for sexual interactions is 16 years.
WA Criminal Code Act
Compilation Act 1913 (Section 321)
The age of consent for sexual interactions is 16 years.
In Australia there are categories regarding children and the participation of sexual conduct, whether they are willing or not. The following list is taken directly from the Victorian sex-Offenders list;

Class 1 offences
• Sexual penetration of a child
o Rape
o Incest
o Sexual penetration of a child under 16
o Sexual penetration of 16 or 17 year old
o Sexual penetration of a person with a cognitive impairment by providers of medical or therapeutic services
o Sexual penetration of person with a cognitive impairment by providers of special programs
• Compelling sexual penetration if the person who the offence is committed against is a child
• Persistent sexual abuse of a child under the age of 16
• Facilitating sexual offences against a child
• Aggravated sexual servitude
• Sexual intercourse or other sexual activity with a child outside Australia
• Persistent sexual abuse of a child outside Australia
• Sexual intercourse or other sexual activity with a young person outside Australia where the offender is in a position of trust or authority
Class 2 offences
• Sexual assault of a child
• Sexual assault by compelling sexual touching against a child
• Assault with intent to commit a sexual offence against a child
• Threat to commit a sexual offence against a child
• Indecent act with child under 16
• Indecent act with 16 or 17 year old child
• Grooming for sexual conduct with child under the age of 16
• Abduction or detention of a child
• Production of child pornography
• Procurement of a minor for child pornography
• Possession of child pornography
• Causing or inducing a child to take part in sex work

Please notice the language used by the Government, it states a person under the age of 18 is a child. This is because they are, in fact a child. There is no gray area here, no loophole, no "what-ifs" or "maybe's". A person who is biologically under the age of consent, is considered, by the Government, a child, and to partake in any form of sexual conduct with a child is an offense.

I now aim to address the notion some people hold regarding the law, the idea that it can be marginalising, or victimise certain groups of people, in this case "Underage Littles". I occasionally receive mail claiming that (direct quote from tumblr mail) "children can sometimes be old enough to decide what is best for them, not all children are actually 'children' in their minds or hearts, some know more than adults do, and because they are more mature-minded (sic) than adults then it should be OK for those certain, special children, to be allowed to be involved in the bdsm community on tumblr or facebook or wherever they decide to join".

While some children may seem more mature than others, the body doesn't stop developing until, approximately, the age of 25. While a person is under this age they are still growing, still learning, still developing - not only physically, but psychologically and emotionally. Children who are still developing do not yet have the mental capacity, the life experience, the knowledge, the ability, or the legal right to make a decision regarding consensual participation in sexual activities.

tThe frontal and prefrontal cortex are the parts of the brain that assist us in perceiving future consequences, and these parts of the brain are not fully developed in teenagers; this is one reason teenagers exhibit risk taking behaviour, because they literally cannot understand that actions they perform now will have repercussions in the future. This is another reason I disbelieve in the idea of "Underage Littles" - to be a Little you need to be an adult, you need to have experienced the difference between childhood, teenage years, and adulthood to be able to regress back to a state of inner-childness. Not only can it be unsafe for these children to be involved in a community which already has a minority of perpetrators, it can actually cloud their judgement on adulthood and may prevent them from continuing within the normal stages of human development.

Although some people disagree with this particular aspect of my opinion, I am sharing it because it is a very valid concern. By allowing children to view the activities that adults indulge in it can offer them a false sense of what it truly means to be a Little; I have seen teenagers on tumblr claiming that they are "Littles For Life" because they believe that being Little means having zero responsibility, zero consequences, zero interaction with adults outside of their immediate family or relationships, and finding a partner to do absolutely everything their parents currently do. Not only is this warping the views these children have on adulthood, it may impair their decision making, prevent proper development, make them incapable of completing mundane adult activities, and it may also actually harm the Caregiving paradigm in the future.

Imagine a new wave of young BDSM practitioners who integrate into the community thinking that the protocols, rituals and boundaries are only "guidelines" rather than a set procedure upheld by the majority of the community. Imagine a new wave of young BDSM practitioners who ignore procedures and act like indulgent children with no regard for what it means to truly be a Little. Imagine an influx of ill-informed young adults who cannot actively engage in adult conversation or understand things such as Safe-Sane-Consensual (SSC) or Risk-Aware-Consensual-Kink (RACK) because they are so emotionally and psychologically stunted. This is most definitely a pathway I wish to see our community avoid walking down.

Whenever I express my opinion in regards to “Underage Littles” staying out of this adult community until they are of legal age I am met with at least a quarter of responses claiming that “Underage Littles” should be allowed in the “Safe for Work” areas of the community. No. Littleness is part of the BDSM lifestyle which is an active community for adult participation. Furthermore, “Safe For Work” represents the non-sexualised side of kink – and kink is something a person needs to be of age to engage in legally. If I were to sit at my office with non-sexualised Little images I would still be engaging in kink-viewing; the vanillas in my workplace would see 40 year old men in diapers, or adults sucking pacifiers, or grown women dressed as infants sitting in cribs; these scenes have no sexual imagery however they are practices outside of the ‘normal paradigm’, they are encouraging age-play (another kink/BDSM practice), and the majority have an element of power exchange – remember that power exchange is the core of BDSM.

So although there may no nudity, no penetration, no overt sexualisation of these Little-scene depictions, they are still categorised as kink images. The next piece of mail I generally receive is “What about blogs that don’t actually have any age-play or cos-play or power play? What about Little-spaces online that are genuinely just about cute animals, Disney and the colour purple?”

My response is that these blogs are not defined as Little blogs, because Little is a subset of BDSM incorporating powerplay. Rather than SFW Kink blogs, these are “Interest Blogs”. These specific blogs are created for the purpose of enjoying cute objects and characters aimed at children – so of course children are welcome to enjoy child themed blogs – however I would suggest that they are found on sites other than tumblr, as within tumblr the lines are very blurry between interest blogs and SFW kink blogs – simply being because of the way certain photographs are tagged.

To summarise, a person under the legal age of consent cannot be a Little because:

-To be involved in any aspect of the BDSM lifestyle a person must be over the legal age of consent
-To be involved in any type of sexual relationship a person must meet the legal age requirements for consent
-A person under the age of consent does not yet have the biological tools necessary to make decisions regarding consent
-A person under the age of consent does not yet have the psychological or emotional tools required to make decisions regarding consent
-Allowing children into the Caregiving paradigm can offer them a false understanding of what it truly means to be a Little, and may actually psychologically harm them by preventing their emotional and psychological development into adulthood and cause emotional arrested development
-A person under the age of consent is legally considered a child, and including children - in any form - in the BDSM community or subsequent dynamics thereof including the caregiving paradigm, is not only amoral but an illegal offence
-Involving anyone under the legal age of consent within the BDSM or Caregiving Paradigm, rather than being 'supportive and all encompassing' is actually pedophilia as the Caregiving Paradigm is a subset of a community based upon the sexual and romantic relationships of adults
-The apparent "Safe for Work' Little-spaces online are majoritively kink-themed, and to be involved in any form of kink community, you must be of the legal age of consent
-A Little, by definition is an adult regressing to a safe emotional space wherein they can play out child like scenarios and engage in either sexual or nonsexual relationships with another person, or enjoy their Little-space in solitude, therefore to fit into this category a person must be of age

There is no such thing as an underage Little; the term for an underage person who enjoys child-like activities and exhibits child-like behaviours, who has child-like thoughts and expresses themselves in a child-like manner already has a term; CHILD.

Meeting a Dominatrix

This is a great article!
Worth keeping here.

So, a vanilla monogamist walks into a BDSM party

7 Things Men Can Learn From Fifty Shades Of Grey

by Jordan October 28, 2014 

Jordan Gray says that there are seven things that men can learn from Christian Grey.

—–


Ever heard of Fifty Shades Of Grey?

It’s a recent cultural phenomenon loved (and hated) by people of all ages.

And before I dive into it…

Yes, the books are terribly written.

Yes, the books were written as Twilight fan fiction.

Yes, the books romanticize certain damaging relationship habits.

And yes, the books represent a laughably unrealistic viewpoint of what kink/BDSM relationships look like.

BUT… to not try and learn something from a book series that so clearly hit a nerve on such a massive scale would be silly.

So here’s what you need to know… a virginal 21 year old student (Anastasia Steele) meets a super sexy/successful 27 year old billionaire (Christian Grey) who happens to take a liking to her. Christian also happens to like kinky sex. They like each other, they fight, they make up, they have a lot of kinky sex, they fall in love, the end.

Here’s the thing that you actually need to know…

The book sold over 100 million copies and was one of the most purchased books in the history of human beings. Why? Because the book tapped into something about human sexuality at the right time. What exactly did it tap into? The fact that a lot of women are sexually frustrated and want to live out explorative sexual fantasies with a leading character who they respond to.

And this is the reason why I had a brain-boner throughout the entire book… the way that the author portrayed Christian Grey was brilliant. Having studied attraction, romantic love, and psychology for the past decade, seeing what the author was layering into Christian was just so smart and culturally well timed.

As much as some guys (I would assume that less than 10% of the original Fifty Shades readership was male) want to attribute Christian’s attractiveness to his money or ripped abs (hint: SO not those things), there is some pretty smart writing going on in terms of how the character was structured.

Enough mental masturbation…

So what is it exactly that makes Christian Grey so attractive to over a hundred million women?

Here are the seven things that you can learn from Christian Grey that will help you be a better boyfriend/husband/partner.
1. Single Minded Attention

Christian is supremely single minded when it comes to Anastasia. He’s focused on her, and only her.

He doesn’t squander his attention or sexual energy on other women in any way. If there is a gorgeous woman within sight, he doesn’t take his eyes off of Anastasia for a second.


While his character takes it a bit too far at times (she refers to his superior “stalking” abilities repeatedly in the first two books), this kind of laser-beamed attention is intoxicating to so many women who have never experienced anything close to it. Especially younger women who have grown up in a dating culture where the cultural narrative says that it’s alright for a guy to text message her a vague sign of interest in order to initiate a first date.

Christian wants Anastasia, and he is clear in his intent.

Action steps: stop looking at other women when you’re out on dates with your partner. Give solid eye contact to your partner when you’re talking to them. Remove distractions from your dates and bedroom when you’re engaging with your partner one on one. When you are away from them get on with your life, but give them your full attention whenever you are with them.

2. Unapologetic Sexual Desire

Christian unapologetically craves Anastasia. He is a calm, controlled man with a healthy relationship to his sexuality and he finds Anastasia absolutely captivating. He lusts after her like most women have never experienced in real life.

It’s an aphrodisiac to feel someone’s eyes on you from across the room (something that she does several times throughout the trilogy).

Christian is always in control of his sexual desire, but just barely. It is the line that he walks between being in control of his sexual beast, and her almost making him lose control of himself that she finds so erotic.

Action steps: dive into your relationship to your sexuality. Figure out exactly what it is you respond to in the bedroom. Don’t be afraid to experiment with new things that you think you might enjoy. Work through any mental or emotional blocks you have surrounding sexuality from past trauma or conditioning.

3. Driven

It’s not the fact that Christian has billions of dollars or a chiseled torso that women find attractive so much what those things say about him as a person. The external markers of success and health speak to his unrelenting drive and passion for what he does in his life.

It’s not that he has strong muscles, it’s the fact that he has a strong enough of a mind to have earned those muscles. And it is much the same in real life. Most women aren’t attracted to rich men because they have lots of money as much as they’re attracted to those kinds of men because those men are self-aware, driven, and actually care enough about something in their lives that they want to chase it down and conquer it.

Action steps: figure out what you’re passionate about and follow it with abandon. Don’t be afraid to chase down every single one of your dreams no matter how outlandish or socially out of the box they seem. Always be improving as a person.

4. Love and affection

If he was only ever sexually aggressive with her then it would get old fast. Predictability is death to sexual passion. It would be like if someone learned how to play one chord on a guitar and then only played that one chord over and over again (whereas knowing just four or five chords enables you to play entire songs that are much more emotionally engaging). Christian is the opposite of someone who knows how to play one chord. In fact, he is described as “mercurial” 17 times in the trilogy.

When Christian isn’t tying up/spanking/flogging Anastasia, he frequently holds her, caresses her, adores her, and kisses her on the forehead. He is strong, and soft. Aggressive and sweet. He is all things in an ever-changing hurricane of masculine energy.

Action steps: love and compliment your woman. Be sweet to her when she’s sick, grumpy, or having a rough day. Kiss her on the forehead, play with her hair, make dinner for her. Be a good partner.

5. Decisive

Christian knows who he is and what he wants out of life… so when he decides that he WANTS Anastasia… it actually means something. Most guys choose a woman because they choose him first or simply because of how they look.

Christian has standards. He has insanely strict standards in fact. He orders a simple gin and tonic with about 30 hyper detailed words of specificity. The man knows himself. So his decisions mean something. He does not have low standards in any area of his life.

Action steps: make firm decisions. Stop settling when it comes to matters of your integrity. Feel passionate about something and let it show. Don’t be afraid to lead your dates. Proactively communicate to your partner things that they can do to make you even happier, and strive to do the same for them.

6. Intentionality

Christian is always in control of himself. He is super capable because he decided early on in life to regularly invest time and effort into developing a wide range of abilities. Simply put, he is hyper intentional about his life. He believes in self-mastery and is always looking for ways to challenge himself and improve as a person.

And it would be so easy to scoff at this book and say “This is an impossible level of greatness to achieve… these kinds of guys don’t exist in real life.” And you’re probably 100% right. The number of 27 year old self-made billionaires in the world is next to non-existent. But I have several friends in my social circle that come very close to how Christian is described throughout the trilogy.

I have one friend who is under 35 and has completed over 10 IronMan competitions across the world while running a massively successful home based business and being one of the greatest husbands and fathers that anyone could ever hope for. I have another friend who wrote and published over 20 books by the time he was 25 years old (while living with his beautiful wife in Hawaii). And yet another friend who worked at Apple for over a decade, owns and flies his own aircraft (just like Christian Grey), is a former pro-surfer, and is one of the sweetest and most loyal men on the face of this planet.

These men exist. And I don’t say this to boast that I know them… I’m saying this to dispel the idea that someone can’t be successful, fit, and emotionally intelligent at a young age… or at any age.

Action steps: live your life on purpose. Commit to growing as a person every single day. Challenge your comfort zones by traveling as often as possible and taking on new skills.

7. Willingness To Be Vulnerable

Christian has a mean history of trauma and abuse in his early life. It’s part of what drove him to succeed to the extent that he did. And one of the most endearing qualities of Christian as a character is that he slowly lets Anastasia into his emotional world and he lets her help heal his emotional wounds.

Modern men are raised with such a shamed mentality around their emotions.

Boys don’t cry. Never let ‘em see you sweat. Feel less, achieve more, don’t complain about anything.

Because of socially conditioned ideas like these being hammered into us, we also tend to intuit the lesson that women will lose attraction to us if we ever DO let them see us sweat/suffer/have a moment of “weakness”.

In reality, a quality woman will genuinely want to be let into your emotional world. She knows that you have some cracks in your proverbial armour because everyone has emotional wounds in their past to be worked through. Holding her back from letting her see you is like repeatedly denying her something she desperately longs for. She wants to be let in. And not to judge you or think any less of you… but to help heal your heart with her feminine nurturing and love.

While Christian doesn’t dump his past and heavy emotional baggage on Anastasia upon first meeting her (as he shouldn’t), he slowly lets her know more about him as he grows to trust her more through their relationship. This is the essence of healthy, high-functioning boundaries… he lets her in because he trusts her, and women (like all people) want to feel like they are trusted.

Action steps: let your partner see you. Don’t be afraid to share your secrets with people you trust. Let your lover in to your world and trust that they have your best interest at heart.
Are There Any Christian Greys Out There?

You don’t need to be every single one of these things in order to attract a partner or maintain a thriving relationship. But if you found yourself thinking “I might have some work to do”, then you’re already on the right path.

How to suggest Kinky sex

By Anne Summers

Sex can be boring. We’ve all had those sessions. Dull-eyed missionary, obligatory birthday blow-jobs, positions that make your arms hurt, delayed orgasms, you know what I’m talking about. Life is too short for bad sex, and your kinks are the things you’ve discovered make it inexplicably incredible. Ann Summers recently asked the nation about their kinks, fetishes and fantasies. The results are in and we live on one kinky little island my friend…

75% of over two thousand respondents identified themselves as having a sexual fetish. That’s so many people you know have a secret kinky side. BUT, in a world where you can buy a trilogy of books about BDSM from a charity shop run by women old enough to be your nan, too many of us are ashamed of those things that get us going, store them away like a dirty little secret and never indulge in them – outside of watching porn. And that sucks. Because kinks are the greatest.

The majority of us may have some kind of sexual fetish, but we’re still very British about discussing them. 61% told us they feel kinks and fetishes are still a taboo. This is a shame, as you need to share them in order to explore your sexuality…most kinky acts are multi-player, after all. So I’m going to tell you how to own, embrace and share them with your partner the right way, with no danger that you’ll end up looking like a creep.

I have kinks, I know about this stuff. Time to speak up and explore yours.

Sharing your kinks, whether it’s with a long-time partner or a potential new one, is tricky and dudes are generally really bad at it. Seriously, we are, guys. It’s so easy to come off as a massive perv and scare off a vanilla partner. Even though you have nothing to be ashamed of, pay your taxes and are one of the nice guys.

I get it. You’ve discovered this thing that sets your world alight but ‘Darling, I want you to gag and spank me’ sounds a little extreme on a Tuesday night. You have to tell your casual fling, lover or spouse about how much you love bondage/pegging/public sex/feet/being electrocuted/feederism/unboxing/wearing a rubber dog mask/watersports/orgasm denial/pulling people around in a carriage like a pony/however the heck you wanna do things, before you explode, goddamnit!

But there are so many wrong ways to do it. I have seriously failed to communicate my own kinks in the past and I’ve seen far, far, far worse behaviour from dudes in kink communities, online spaces and the real world. But I’ve learned a lot from my mistakes (and the glaringly obvious mistakes of others), and now kinks are as much of a part of my sex life as I want them to be. Which is pretty cool.

So, if you want to bring up your kinks with a partner, or find a potential kinky match amid the murky waters of the otherwise vanilla dating scene, you’ve come to the right place. Here’s my advice.



Where do guys go wrong?

So, first things first. Why are guys bad at bringing up their kinks? Mostly because human beings, emotionally closed-off males in particular, are really freaking bad at talking about sex in general.

Generally speaking, guys either go too far, rushing right in and pulling out a drawer full of implements straight away, or don’t go far enough, and are annoyingly coy about it, expecting their partner to read their minds while never actually having the nerve to say what they’re into out loud.

Tips on how to share your fetish and suggest kinky sex.

OK, here are some tips for talking about kinks to partners, that have actually served me well over the years:



· Save it: Rushing into your kinks can be a bad idea, particularly if you’re in a relationship with someone you actually like and want to stick with for a while. Let them get attached to you and your vanilla bedroom moves before revealing that you want them to wear thigh high boots while stepping on your balls. If you want some no-strings kink action with a stranger, then there are solutions for this too – scroll a little further down and I’ll hook you up. With advice.



· Talk about it: The best thing to do as an adult human is to talk to your sexual partners. If you’re dying to bring up your kinks, just ask if they have any first. Sample dialogue: “Hey, do you want to try anything different? Got any kinks I should know about?” Even if they say no, they’ll probably ask you if you do in return. If they don’t, it may be a warning sign that you’re never really going to find what you want with this person.



· Practise talking about it: This is where the being too coy thing comes in. You’re talking about kinks and you start in with the “yeah, you know, all sorts of stuff”. It’s difficult, I know – you can type it into PornHub, but you can’t actually say it out loud, because it’s too embarrassing to announce “I want you to tie me up and sit on my face” or “I want you to spank me with a hairbrush” or “I want you to dress me up in your clothes and f**k me from behind” to someone that you then have to make eye contact with. Practice saying this stuff out loud to yourself or in the mirror and it’ll be easier to say to someone else. Seriously, it helps.



· Think entry level: You’ve been into your kink for a while. Your partner may never have even heard of it, let alone tried it. Expose them to it slowly – suggest a pair of handcuffs before the full-on under-bed restraints. A slap on the bum before introducing them to your paddle collection. The collar and lead before the latex puppy costume.



· Sell them on the benefits: Getting too lost in your kinks can really leave the other person with a slightly disappointing experience. You’re having a whale of a time, getting spanked, spat on or gagged – and they’re not really sure what all the fuss is about. You’ve got to let them share in your enjoyment to the point that they’re loving it too. If they think it looks fun, share your toys (clean them first if they’ve, uh, been in you) and let them have a go. Tell them how good it makes you feel. Tell them what they’ll get in return. Tell them what’s in it for them.



· Reciprocate: Kinda picking up on the point above. But it bears repeating. Kink isn’t one-sided. If someone’s been awesome enough to indulge you in your kinks, return the favour and indulge them in theirs. If they mention something you’re not into, never react negatively, never shame them for their kinks when they’ve been accepting of yours. Unless it’s something you seriously cannot get on board with (to be fair, what are the chances that you’ll meet someone who wants to poop on you? I can’t think of too many other hard limits that are not at least worth a go), you’ve got nothing to lose by at least giving it a taster session. Who knows, maybe you’ll be into it?



· Switch back to vanilla sometimes: Unless your admission of kink awakens something in your partner and they seriouslycannot get enough of it, it’s important to take a break from things every now and then. There’s always a time for Vanilla sex, getting too wrapped up in your kinks will make them become routine. If your partner’s even slightly doubtful about them, then they’re gonna get bored. Lifestyle kinks are a thing – some people really do have relationships in which submission or bondage or pet play or chastity plays a major role that never goes away. But it’s a rare thing, and it’s not for everyone.



You’ve got this. Just ease into talking about your kinks and find that balance. Of course, it’s impossible to know how someone’s going to react, but if you’re not rushing in then it’s easy to gauge reactions, pull things back, play comments off as a joke and try again another time. Before you have at it, though, there’s a few other things to keep in mind.



Consent is always – ALWAYS – the most important thing.

Can’t scream this loud enough. There’s an acronym in kink communities called RACK – it stands for risk-aware, consensual kink.

The risk aware part means that, when you’re indulging in kinky activities, you need to be fully aware of the risks so you’re being as safe as possible. This means safe words or gestures, something to quickly cut restraints in an emergency, adequate lubrication, and so on and so forth.

But the most important part is the “consensual”. For example, surprising someone with a spanking paddle is all well and good, but you seriously need to talk about whether it’s OK or not before that thing makes contact. Just so you know, “maybe” is not a yes. “I guess” is not really a yes either. And a “yes” that you’ve coerced is definitely not a yes. Make sure someone is definitely happy to go along with your kinks before getting started.

Also no one likes an over sharer. That applies to sharing too much information about your kinks on social media, or posting explicit comments on Instagram to people you don’t know. Yes, she looks amazing in that picture. Yes, she might be talking about kinks openly. But she didn’t ask you, so commenting to tell her that “Daddy’s here” is really invasive and unwelcome. And creepy.

It gets tricky because there are so many kinks around dominance and being forced to do things – but remember that it’s not real life. People have to consent to being forced to do things. If you think that takes the fun out of it then oh my god that is a serious red flag on your character, my friend.

Which brings me to…



Nobody owes you their submission.

Not all kinks are related to BDSM, but a whole lot of them are – 74% of people in our survey said they’re into it. Identifying as dominant does not give you the right to act dominant to anyone who has not agreed to be submissive to you.

D/s (dominant and submissive) relationships are built on trust, and if you’re expecting someone to submit to you and call you ‘Master’ within minutes of meeting you, then you’re living in a fantasy world. Submission has to be earned.

This is a real problem in online kink communities. People forget, with a screen to hide behind, that they’re talking to another human and that you actually have to get to know someone as a person – that kinks are a part of a relationship, not the whole basis for it.

There are dating sites for kinks. Keep it off Tinder.

Speaking of online kink communities: Yeah, they exist. So use them. I know plenty of women who’ve matched with someone on Tinder and expected to be asked about their day or their favourite food, and instead have been met with questions about how submissive they are and if they want to check out his dungeon. It’s a bit much.

If you seriously want to meet someone who’s into kink upfront, without bothering quite so much with the vanilla side of their personality, then there are dedicated sites for it where that sort of behaviour is a little more acceptable. Fetlife is the big one, but you could also try Whiplr if you want to go mobile. Still, remember these are regular people too. Don’t dive right in – get to know people before you get explicit.

But if someone’s in a vanilla space (i.e. most the real world), then there’s no way of knowing if they’re interested in kink, and assuming they are is springing it on them without consent. If you’re dying to talk kinks with someone you met on Tinder, then there’s no reason why you can’t bring it up after a while if you’re getting on. But don’t lead with it.


Don’t ask someone to do something you wouldn’t do.

Final point: a lot of kinks can place a serious burden on someone else. If, for example, you’re really into spanking other people, or being dominant, or being tied up, then that’s a seriously big ask to make of another person who might not be totally sure about it.

It’s OK if being spanked yourself isn’t your thing – but just think about it for a second. You’re expecting someone to accept pain for your pleasure, but you wouldn’t do the same for them. That’s not right, is it?

Kink is a two-way street, especially if you’re the one bringing it up. Basically, don’t be selfish. Don’t be creepy. Communicate. Share. And before you know it, your wildest dreams could be coming true. Now, go forth and embrace your kinky side…

Anatomy of a Scene

Anatomy of a Scene

By Rev, November 10,2014

If you haven’t heard me say this yet, here goes again: being into BDSM doesn’t mean you have to be into sadomasochism or “scening” (engaging in “scenes”). Having scenes doesn’t mean you have to be into sadomasochism either. And finally, being into sadomasochism doesn’t mean you have to be into dominance and submission.

The acronym “BDSM” represents bondage, dominance, submission, sadism, masochism. You don’t have to do all the things to do some of the things. This stuff is for you and your partner(s)- you get to take what you want off the buffet line.

“Scene” is a common term in the BDSM world. It basically means interactions with someone that involve BDSM dynamics, dynamics that involve any of the above elements, in whatever combo or particular flavor you and your partner like. It can run the gamut from planned days in advance, written out in specifics, negotiated carefully with the person you’re interacting with, to on-the-spot, spontaneous BDSM interactions with someone that you speed-negotiate or play by ear. And everything in between.



There No Definitive Formula for How to Construct a Scene

It’s a question I certainly had when I was new and I know it’s on a lot of your minds. So consider this a very basic suggested outline. As always, take the ingredients, try the ones that appeal to you, tailor them to your own needs and desires, adjust as indicated as you go and after trying. This is your process, your interaction, that of you and your partner or partners. The bottom line is it’s about connecting, having a shared experience, creating the kind of interactions you want to have with people in an atmosphere of consent. That will change depending on the person, the timing, and your moods that day. If you get too hung up on trying to conform to some kind of recipe, you’ll feel awkward and stiff. That might be hard to avoid completely when you’re trying new things or playing with new people, but the more you can relax and enjoy, the better it’ll be for everyone.

And always remember: humor is good.



Basic Scene Elements
We’ll start from the point where you’ve met someone and decided you both want to play with each other. Remember that the scene can be aborted at any time if things start to feel wrong, unsafe or one of you calls “red” for any reason (“red” is the universal safe word for “scene over”, but feel free to make up your own- just make sure it’s clear to all parties).



Negotiation: This stage is essential. Depending on what you’re doing, it can be as simple as “I want to spank you” and “okay, let’s do that”. Or it can be a process that starts with exchanging emails, planning an elaborate rope bondage scene that entails floggers, a blindfold, Wagner’s “An Webers Grabe” and a rubber chicken. The point of negotiation is to figure out what you both want to do together, what you absolutely don’t want to do together, what your safe words will be, where you’ll play, get a feel for your personalities, how much experience you have, etc. It’s important, especially if you’re new to BDSM or each other. For more on this important step, check Norische’s post on it.

Prepare the space: The surroundings can have a powerful influence on the scene. Some things to think about: Music? Lighting? Toys? Aftercare? Water? Private or public? Safer sex supplies? You probably won’t always remember everything, but the more your prepared for, the less the distractions later. You can always send your bottom to fetch what you need. That can be particularly fun if they’re cuffed or tied or blindfolded or instructed to crawl.

Safety: Again, depending on what you’re doing, you want to think about safety supplies you might need. For example, if you’re playing with rope you’ll want to make sure you have some good safety scissors handy in case an emergency escape is needed. Ideally, you’ll have done a little homework on whatever type of play you have in mind and so you’ll know what you need to have nearby. A first aid kit is always a good idea.

(ps: Did you know that if you subscribe to the Dominant Guide by email, you get a free safety pamphlet that include first aid for a variety of minor things as well as sound advice in the case of (heaven forbid) a more serious injury or other risky situation. Check it out! Okay, onward and upward…)



Connection: This is a really important component of any scene for me, whether it’s a more casual service topping kind of thing or a deeper, intensely emotional scene with a beloved. If you’re playing with a partner you’re already close with, you’ll probably find this comes pretty easily. If you’re new to the idea of creating connection, you can try some different things and see what works. Things like eye gazing, breathing together, gently manipulating your partner’s body as though you were leading them in a dance- these are just a few ideas. Can you think of some others? Different things might work with different peope at different times. Find what works for you.



Warm up: Warm up isn’t totally necessary- it depends on how you like to play and the affect you want to have. Whether I’m playing with S/m or psychological Domination, I generally find that if I start slow and gradually ramp the play up, I can take my submissive deeper for longer. If I start in hard and heavy, then they tend to have more challenges processing the intensity and will experience more distress and may have to stop sooner. Not always, but generally.



Escalation: This is the process of ramping up the intensity after a good period of warm up. Commands may get fiercer, activities are edgier and sensation may be more intense. In other words, I can be meaner, hit harder, push farther. This will take us up to….



The Amber Zone: Which is my favorite place to play. For me this is the equivalent of the plateau zone right before orgasm. It’s not quite peaking, but it’s close. I love to work up to that place where my submissive is just occasionally wondering if they can take/do much more, then I’ll back off of it slowly, providing what’s essentially a pause (though activity doesn’t stop, it’s less intense and demanding), then I lean back into that edgy amber zone again. I will usually do this at least a few times. In between the more intense times, I might lean in and whisper in their ears, gently stroke the areas of their skin that I’ve been hard on, tell them I love them, ask how they are, etc. When I was new, I heard this refered to “refilling the spank bank”. In other words, if one is administering constant intense sensation (claws, biting, flogging, humiliation, etc), the human animal will find it harder and harder to process it and will soon need to stop altogether. If I instead let up after a few moments of intensity and do comfort, ease, connect with someone, then the pain/distress tolerance goes up again and I can get intense again. There seems to be a cumulative affect that will take us to the end of their tolerance eventually, but I can keep things going a lot longer if I create these pauses now and then. I love to dance around that line between easy/yummy and “oh my god… woah…”.

Everyone’s yellow/amber zone is different. It’s your job to pay attention and ask for feedback so you know where your submissive/bottom’s is. This will help you figure out how to work it in the way you want. Some people hit the yellow zone with much less stimulation, quicker when they’re playing with someone new or if they don’t feel well that day, etc. Some people can take a lot more to get there. Bottom line is, it will vary.



Peak/Crisis:

This isn’t a necessary part of a scene either. I just happen to like it. Meaning, I like to play until we reach a point where my submissive can’t do anymore. We don’t always get to that place, but most of the time we do. It can involve crying, yelling, asking for mercy, crying “red” or anything that really says “I’m done” including saying… “I’m done” or anything else that works as a safe word for you and your partner(s).



Resolution:

Again, the analogy with sexual response loosely applies. This is the time post peak when we move back into a connection phase. Typically it seems important for me to stay close as my submissive can feel very raw, emotional, vulnerable. It’s not usually a good time for me to walk away and make a phone call or start cleaning up my toys. They’re coming back to earth in a way, sometimes from a very deeply altered state. I need to keep the container intact until I know they’re fairly grounded again.



Aftercare:

Not everyone needs it all the time. It depends on the person, how deeply and hard you played, and what you’ve negotiated ahead of time. I think it’s important to include aftercare talk in the negotiations before you play. Some people don’t want it, some Dominants don’t want to provide it, some Dominants need it for themselves. Talk ahead of time and if you’re a Dominant who doesn’t like to give it and you’re considering playing with a submissive who must have it, then see if you can set up an alternate play so they get what they need and you don’t have to provide it. Same if you’re a Dominant who needs aftercare and your partner doesn’t want to give it. Can someone be a stand in? Can we take care of our own aftercare? If we can’t come up with a plan B, then we probably shouldn’t play. It can be really hard to navigate post play drop if you need aftercare and don’t get it.

Aftercare can include water, protein, snuggles, talking over the scene, a shoulder to cry on or any other activities that one finds helps to deal with any post play feelings.



Follow Up:

I like to check in anywhere from the next day to a few days later to see how my partner is doing. This can take the form of a phone call, an email exchange, a coffee date, whatever. Especially if I’m going to play with someone again, I want feedback on their experience- this helps me make our play more powerful down the road. If nothing else, it’s nice to say thanks for a great time. It’s also a good time to settle the question of next date? Or not.



There you have it, my very loose outline of a general approach. It really depends a lot on the person, on you, on what you’re doing, and the moment. So much of this process, I think, is about being in the moment and following your instincts, as well as listening to your partner, both words and body language. It’s not an exact science, anymore than sex or any other intimate activity is. The “right” ways to do it are as varied as the people doing it. Time, experience, attention to yourself and your partner at the things that will get you to the place you want to be. There are no shortcuts and mistakes happen, no matter how long you’ve been around.

But hopefully this will give you a peek into at least one way to think about scenes and how they might progress.

As always, mileage will vary.



Rev

A little something about littles

By Amberlynn Peckham
November 2016


Since I was asked to give info about little girl / Daddy Doms relationships, or little boy / Mommy Domme relationships, I thought, “Hey I can give it a shot; I have a bit of experience.”

So first thing: a little is a adult who has characteristics of a child this can range in age and severity (some people have more little characteristics then others). For me it’s a very natural thing, and not something I was trained to do.

There is another thing I will not be getting into really it’s called adult diaper-wearers. That’s not really anything to do with littles, even though some littles are younger than others; diaper wearers are more a fetish or considered age play. Something completely different than “littles”.

Littles are in nature curious individuals (this does not mean in any way that they are sexual individuals; some are not). Littles are also very mischievous. For example, let me think. I have tied daddy up when he was asleep because he wouldn’t give me attention, drawn on daddy with a sharpie when he was asleep, turned his shoe into a flower pot, replaced the shampoo in the bottle with toothpaste you get the picture. We do this not necessarily to be cute but as a form of communication.

Communication is very different with littles; we are all very unique and different. Some may be super sweet and nice, some may be bratty and like to play games, but we do have things in common. We can be super needy, we usually act on impulse instead of thinking things through. We can be more emotional than most people, more sensitive, and we can be just annoying at times.

Some other things that are not true about littles. is that many people believe is that littles don’t work and are looking for someone to take care of them. This is not true at all littles in a relationship are not are usually very productive members of society.

Things that littles look for in a relationship usually are

1. Safety -Make us feel safe well like a parent makes a child feel safe.

2. Attention -Pay attention to us for several reasons. Because we are needy, and we can have problems with communication skills

3. Patience, patience and yet even more patience. If you don’t have patience, then yeah we will drive you nuts and probably giggle while we are doing it thinking it’s a game.

Being a little really has nothing to do with sex. Just because someone is a little does not mean they are interested in sex; it also means that they might not be into other forms of BDSM.



Added personal note:


Yeah, I love my coloring books, love feeding the ducks at the park, playing on the swings, and lots of games. Most littles do this and don’t even know it’s a thing; it’s literally just what they like. Maybe years later, they may discover themselves as a little.

                                                                                       Amberlynn