Submission

WHAT IS A DOMINANT?

I have been pondering something.  I have several documents, and seen so many more gong by, that explain what a sub is.  We all have our own ideas of it would be like.  Every relationship is different, but the basic idea is there. I want to discuss what a Dominantis and what he/she isn’t.

A Dominant is the person who has control in a D/s relationship.  The amount of control is given by the sub and agreed by both.  The sub has rights, and is not a pushover.  A sub can discuss limits and also the amount of control they will agree to.  A sub willingly gives this control to the Dominant.  Control is never taken, cohered or forced upon anyone; it has to be given freely. 

When the sub offers his/her submission to the Dominant, the Dominant can accept or reject such offer.  Once the Dominant accepts submission, he has a job to do.

A Dominant is to take the amount of control agreed to, and use it for the good of the sub.  He/she is to train the sub to serve him/her.   The Dominant should then help the sub grow, blossom, and thrive.   The Dominant is to look for the good of the sub. 

A sub is the Dominant’s most treasured possession.  Imagine that, you own a whole human being!  You are responsible for that sub.  They will follow you, look up to you, and trust you.  You are responsible for their well being, emotionally, physically. 

A Dom/me has also the responsibility of educating him/herself.  If their ego says they cannot learn from another more experienced Dom/me, or even from books or information available, they are not a Dom/me.  This kind of person can present a danger to a sub.  It used to be that a Dom/me became one, only after learning what it is to serve as a sub for a certain amount of time, and then trained by someone with more experience.  Now people just slap a title and go out announcing themselves as one; which is fine, if they educate themselves, and continue looking for learning opportunities.  How are they going to ask their sub to learn, if they do not lead by example?  Being a Dom/me, a person should know that they will need to invest a lot of time and energy into being the best they can be for their sub.  It is not something that comes easy, it is something the people involved need to work on constantly.  Like a garden, it needs to be tended all the time. It is more work than a vanilla relationship, but so much worth it.

While I am on the subject, I want to  talk about a pet peeve of mine.  I have seen in groups a big interest in training your sub to cum on command.  In my opinion, training to have a sub cum only on your command may in fact damage her for life.  If or when you get tired of that sub, or for any other reason the relationship ends, she may not be able to cum again without your voice.  The mind is a powerful thing, don’t underestimate conditioning. That, I believe is unfair, if you train her to do that just to give yourself an ego boost; if done for that reason, it is selfish and cruel.  Things like this should be reserved for people in more stable long term relationships, rather than new ones.

Also a reminder, just in case.  When working with humiliation, the Dominant should instill a ritual at the beginning of play and at the end, telling the sub exactly when it starts and ends.  So the sub doesn’t take any berating or humiliation with them in their hearts.  It is good to do this all the time, to be clear of begin and end of playtime, but in this case it is more important.

Now I will speak of what a Dom/me isn’t.  A Dominant using a sub only for sex on demand, only for his pleasure, is not a Dominant.  All terms should be discussed at the beginning of the relationship.  But mainly a Dom/me is to nurture and love their sub, to help them grow and feel safe and loved.  The sub in return will make it his/her priority to please their Dom/me. 

A Dom/me is not someone who demands nudes to consider you as a sub.  It is not someone who demands web cam time to see the sub entertain him with her body.  This may be part of it, but it also includes many other things.  There should be an emotional and mental connection, an interest in the sub as a whole person, heart mind, body.  This doesn’t necessarily mean there has to be a romantic connection, but a deep care and interest in the person, as a whole person.

I will say it again, animals can have sex, it takes not skill. BDSM is an art, and it is an art that is not dependant on, or focused on sex.  It is not an excuse to cheat on a spouse, or an excuse to use people.  It is not a way to get a Dominant what he/she wants on demand with no regards for the sub.  Subs are not just hanging around online (or in person) waiting for some stranger to pop up, talk pretty to them and then start demanding to be entertained.  That’s what porn sites are for.

Dom/mes, you are to have control over yourself, and treat others as you like to be treated.  I would also advise you try any toy on yourself, before using it on your sub. 

Subs, remind yourself that a sub is not a doormat, you can be submissive, but be careful who you submit to.  You always have a voice, you can always speak up.  You can always walk away.   If you walk away from an abusive situation, it will not make you less of a sub, it will make you a smart sub.  Submissives are not weak!  They are loving people who want to dedicate themselves to serving another, who in exchange, will cherish them as their love and their most prized possession.

~Sam

50's lifestyle

Flogging technique

ABOUT DUNGEONS

I have noticed that looking around in Facebook pages and groups, that most people like to be like everyone else.  When going into groups, I see that the subs are mostly women, who have this idea of a knight in shining armor that will come save them from themselves.  They will be the perfect loving couple, and he will make sure she is completely happy and taken care of.  Sorry to burst your bubble, that is not how it works.  Relationships take time to build, I already wrote an article on that, so I will not repeat myself.  BDSM can be experienced in more ways than that one way; it is not a cookie cutter thing.

It is sad then when I see the women who already are married; they look at the lifestyle longingly and suddenly thinking the grass is greener on the other side.  Yes cliché, but it is very common.  Always remember; the grass seems greener there, because it was covered with bullshit. 

When I first started going in the groups, I noticed most women think a romantic relationship is an essential part of BDSM.  In my opinion, a romantic relationship is not necessary.  You can have a romantic relationship completely independently of BDSM, and a BDSM relationship without sex or falling in love.  But then again I am very open to possibilities.  You can experience only the S&M (Sadism and Masochism)  part of BDSM, or only the D/s part.  (Dominant, submissive).  There are so many possibilities, you don’t have to be like everyone else!

I started going to a dungeon near home a few years ago, it had recently opened and I was thrilled.  I read online about it, and sent an e-mail to the owners.  They sent me some paperwork explaining the rules etiquette, and membership.  The first time I was there, I thought I was going to cry.  It was like Disneyland for me!  The place was so welcoming, and the people were amazing, open and down to earth.

I immediately could tell that the people there were so different than the ones on Facebook.  These people were there to have fun.  After a couple of visits, I had some people walk up to me and ask me for a session, which turned out to be so much fun.  As much as most people are nude, things don’t seem obscene, and there is no sex involved.  People walk around half nude or nude, because they feel free, and comfortable in their own skin.  Others don’t stare, or make them uncomfortable as it would be in any other place.  Everyone is respectful and grown up about things, which the way it should be.

I have met some great Dom/mes that I have learned so much from.  Every time I go to a play party I learn something new.  I have met great people and it is a truly enjoyable experience.

If you wonder what you will find there; it seems like a torture chamber, but in a fun way.  They have different BDSM furniture at your disposal.  You could look up BDSM furniture online and find out what it is used for so you can get an idea of what you are looking at when you go. There is certain etiquette to follow.  Each dungeon has their own way of making it work so everyone has fun.  The one I go to has a changing room, which comes in handy.  It also has a sitting room, and a main room, and separate themed rooms you can use.  Most dungeons do not allow alcoholic beverages, the one I go to allows you to bring your own; but if they see you drunk or unsafe you are booted.  Each dungeon has their own dress code.  Please do not show up in flip flops and shorts! 

When I find people online who want to try BDSM, I suggest going to a dungeon.   They can look around, and meet other people.  The person you have sessions with doesn’t have to be your sexual partner, or husband or anything.  It can be a casual pain session, a scene.   (I don’t suggest going there without informing your S.O.)  I also suggest you go a few times and observe first.  That way you can see who is well known, who seems knowledgeable, who is available.   You could also ask the people who run it if you want a session, who is ok to ask.

I think honesty in this case is the best option.  Talking to your S.O., and maybe even taking them along is a good idea, even if it is just to mingle and watch.  I have been to the dungeon with my husband, who doesn’t participate; and also with my slave, who does.  I also have gone with both. 

You can learn a lot, most people there are more than willing to talk and share what they can.  Dungeons often also offer classes and demonstrations.

To find a public dungeon near you, you can either Google it, or better yet, go into Fetlife, and look for events in your area.  When going into Fetlife, be very careful, many predators roam that place.  If strangers message you, just delete, you don’t owe them anything!  I like the anonymity of FB.  In Fetlife, people can figure out where I live and which dungeon I go to.  It would be so easy for some stalked to find you.  Please be safe above all.

Once you locate a public dungeon (I don’t recommend private ones.  You never know who is in running it or what happens in there).  Then look up their rules and etiquette, find out when they have classes, that is the best way to ask questions and meet people.

If you are concerned about people hitting on you, I can say, that doesn’t happen much in those places.  It is not a bar, people usually have manners.  Most dungeons have dungeon Masters who watch out for the guests.  Since most Dom/mes or Master/Mistress know etiquette, they will nor approach a collared sub/slave.  You can wear a collar if you would like to be left alone.  Some dungeons have protection collars available for nervous single people.  You can also talk to the people who run the dungeon, and explain that you are new, and nervous.  They usually will be happy to help guide you in the right direction.

*Note:  Don’t forget that if you are going to play with someone, you both need to sit some place and go over limits and safe words.  The Dom/me should show the sub the toys that will be used as well.  If you ever call your safe-word (loud please) and the Dom/me doesn’t stop, the Dungeon Masters or the other Dom/mes will stop the session and remove the Dom/me.  That is a huge infraction in the BDSM community and should never happen.   This is what makes it an ideal place to have BDSM fun, because you are not alone.

Get out there, look around learn, have fun, but please do not forget common sense.

~Sam

Be Yourself

Be Yourself

I suspect many men are submissive, but are afraid to accept it, because they think it makes them look weak. So they may try to experience some of it on the side, as if it doesn't really count. I think they should be more honest with themselves and others.

It is perfectly fine to be a submissive male; there is nothing to be ashamed of. I know that while I roam Facebook, I do not see male subs at all. I know they are around, because I have spoken to a few, but they don’t like to speak up. I am not speaking of switches in this case, switches are fortunate enough to be more flexible and adaptable.

Apparently the pressures of society for men to be strong, and be the dominant types, are strong enough to force the submissive ones into hiding.

I am not the one to follow the crowd or fit a mold, I am who I want to be. I noticed before I had my own group, that when I commented in BDSM groups, people cringe at the thought of me not being submissive like the other women. Each time I posted something about my sub, nobody would comment, seems they avoided me. Even now, I belong in a group that isn’t mine, there people argue with me, because they see me as cruel and unreasonable. They fail to understand that I don’t have to be whoever THEY expect me to be. I have been accused of emasculating, at least twice, once by a counselor I was going to. I do not see many Dominant women on Facebook, the ones I see seem fake and sometimes can’t even spell Domme. I have seen a few female switches that want to call themselves Dominant, but seem to do it for the title only.

What is going on is not right. We should all feel free to be who we are and be proud of who we are. A submissive is not weak; it takes so much strength, courage and self assurance to be able to trust someone else. It takes a lot of inner strength to let someone else have all control. It takes so much love and incredible trust.

It is big step for a man to confide in a woman (or man) they trust and tell them their deepest fantasies, talk about their dark side, and be honest about it.

I don’t like to read in some posts, that a man who starts out being Dominant in a relationship, and then starts sneaking up. They seem to ask their female sub to switch, just once. But then again and again, until the power exchange in the relationship is so skewed that is unrecognizable. It is sad, because sometimes the submissive is not happy being Dominant. Being a submissive, a Dominant, a switch, a little etc. It has to be in your heart, you cannot “make” a person into what you want them to be. And you should not let others make you into something you didn’t want to be in the first place.

Being something you are not takes a toll on you in the long run. In a D/s relationship, both Dom/me and sub are to grow, blossom, spread their wings and reach their potential. I believe that entering a relationship with the hidden agenda of trying to change the other person, is a bad way to begin. Honesty and integrity should be the basis for a relationship, not illusions and smoke screens. I understand that some people change with time, but I have a hard time believing that someone would be a Dominant at heart, and suddenly become a submissive. I am sure it can happen, but in that case, the person who changed cannot expect their partner to change as well, to fit them. This means changing your personality completely to the other extreme. You cannot strong-arm someone into changing their essence, their soul, their heart. It is unreasonable, and it could suffocate their spirit and crush their soul, even as they try their best to change to make you happy. That breeds resentment and cannot last.

I strongly suggest that you find yourself, come to terms with who you truly are, and ditch the preconceived notions of society. Do not worry about labels and what others think, they do not affect you unless you allow them. People on Facebook, people in society, they are not looking for your best interest, most will just see you as entertainment. The only people I do suggest you keep in mind, is your employer, you should just keep your private life private, away from the work place. Those people CAN affect your life. But be sure that the people you are trying to impress actually matter in your life. You should be trying to be the best you can be, for yourself and your loved ones. Who cares about labels! It is much more important to be honest, with yourself and your loved ones.

Be proud of being who you are, be honest, love yourself the way you are. That is a good start.

~Sam