Monday, April 18, 2016

We’re Kinky, Not Crazy



Including “paraphilic disorders” in the DSM V is redundant, unscientific, and stigmatizing. 

By Jillian Keenan 

Pic-A woman is restrained in a device called "The Gate" 
at the DomConLA convention on May 18, 2012, in Los Angeles. 


Photo by David McNew/Getty Images 



The American Psychiatric Association has decided that people with kinky sexual interests (which—let’s just get this out of the way—includes me) don’t necessarily have mental disorders. That seems like good news, right? If we look up sexual masochism, fetishism, transvestism, or sadism in the forthcoming fifth edition of theDiagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, they won’t be there! In their place, we’ll find a new list of “paraphilic disorders”: sexual masochism disorder, fetishistic disorder, transvestic disorder, and so on. The difference? To be diagnosed with one of these noncriminal sexual disorders, the person must “feel personal distress about their interest.”

Simply put, the DSM V will say that happy kinksters don’t have a mental disorder. But unhappy kinksters do.

Some sexual minorities have applauded this diagnostic compromise as a step forward. It isn’t. This is just the same routine that the psychiatric community dragged homosexuality through decades ago, and adult, consensual (in other words, noncriminal) expressions of atypical sexuality should be removed from the DSMentirely for many of the same reasons that homosexuality was.

In 1952, the DSM I officially categorized homosexuality as a mental disorder. As the gay rights movement gathered momentum in the 1960s, however, the psychiatric community introduced a diagnostic compromise by saying that people who were comfortable with their sexual orientation did not have a mental disorder. The APA triumphantly removed general homosexuality from the DSM in 1973. But for people who were "in conflict with" their homosexuality, they introduced a new condition instead: “sexual orientation disturbance” (SOD). The 1980 DSM III replaced SOD with "ego-dystonic homosexuality," but the basic principle remained the same: Happy homosexuals did not have a mental disorder, while unhappy ones did.

The term paraphilia—which sexologist John Money defined as unusual sexual interests—first appeared in the DSM III. (Before that, the DSM II listed homosexuality, masochism, sadism, transvestism, fetishism, and other consensual minority sexualities alongside criminal pedophilia and frotteurism in the category of “sexual deviations.”) Although there were minor wording changes to the subsequent DSM IV and DSM IV-TR, psychiatric consensus continued to lump noncriminal paraphilias together with criminal paraphilias as mental disorders.

Thankfully, all forms of homosexuality (including ego-dystonic homosexuality) were finally removed from the DSM in 1987, after a long struggle and far too late. Noncriminal sexual paraphilias should also be removed for many of the same reasons that homosexuality was: People who are stigmatized and misunderstood, such as sexual minorities, might be unhappy—but the unhappiness itself is the problem that should be treated, not the person’s sexual identity or practice.

To be clear, I’m not comparing the experience of being kinky to the experience of being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender. No one is trying to stop kinky people from getting married or, with a few exceptions, threaten our physical safety. The LGBTQ community has serious human rights violations to contend with; most kinksters face nothing more serious than internal turmoil, awkward conversations with new partners, and cultural mockery.

That being said, DSM-based diagnoses do have real-life consequences for all sexual minorities. They have influenced employment decisions, child custody proceedings,security clearances, and health insurance coverage. Social stigma is no joke, either. A 2006 study found that of 1,017 self-identified BDSM practitioners, 36 percent had experienced violence or harassment because of their sexuality, and 30 percent had been the victim of job discrimination. (William Saletan’s recent Slate story, which incorrectly argued that “everything we condemn outside the world of kink is celebrated within it,” doesn’t help.)

The DSM has a profound impact on societal attitudes toward kinksters, which can in turn influence how we are perceived by our friends, sexual partners, and—most significantly for mental health—by ourselves.

It’s a bizarre cycle. According to the APA’s paraphilias fact sheet for the forthcomingDSM, I can be diagnosed with “sexual masochism disorder” if I feel “personal distress” about my sexuality. Usually, I don’t. But the moments when I do feel distressed (when I wonder if, perhaps, there might really be something wrong with me) occur when I receive unsolicited emails from psychiatrists who have read my public disclosuresabout my sexuality and reach out to offer their services.

Of course, some people are genuinely, consistently distressed by their atypical sexual urges and fantasies. A few psychiatrists have argued that by including the paraphilic disorders in the DSM, the door remains open for those individuals to seek treatment. I’m not convinced. In fact, I have nothing but faith that if someone genuinely wants psychiatric care, the mental health community will find a way to provide it.

A person who feels persistent personal distress about the shape of her nose, for example, can access psychiatric treatment despite the fact that “nose perception disorder” is not listed in the DSM—she can be treated for body dysmorphic disorder, depression, or a whole host of other broadly defined issues. Along the same lines, someone who is deeply dismayed by his masochistic sexual urges, for example, doesn’t need to be diagnosed with “sexual masochism disorder.” He could be treated for “sexual disorder not otherwise specified,” identity problems, or adjustment disorder—all of which are already listed in the DSM. Isolating specific paraphilias as potential “disorders” is redundant. Worse, that specificity suggests that there is something unique to people with certain atypical sexual urges that makes us more likely to be mentally disordered than anyone else.

Despite its best efforts, the DSM still allows existing sexual stigmas and social norms to define whether a sexual practice is “healthy.” (After all, 20 years ago, it would have been very easy for bigots to describe homosexuality as an unhealthy urge akin to alcoholism.) That’s why social conventions can’t dictate “health”—that must be determined by clear and compelling medical evidence. Alcohol dependence, for example, is medically harmful. Homosexuality is not. Neither is a consensual expression of atypical sexuality. Even the more colorful aspects of BDSM aren't necessarily riskier than skiing, football, or even ballet. (Saletan’s examples of long-term harm come from the porn industry, which isn’t exactly known for protecting actors specializing in any genre. And as Dan Savage points out, the kinkster community has an ethic of safety and communication.)

The fundamental tenet of medicine is, “First, do no harm.” But every day, I receive emails from kinky men and women around the world who tell me about their incredible loneliness and shame. Many of them cite the psychiatric understanding of paraphilias—a de facto endorsement of social stigma—as a partial source of their isolation. The continued presence of the paraphilias (despite their superficial name change) in the forthcoming DSM V is redundant, unscientific, unnecessary, and harmful to millions of kinksters. The paraphilic disorders are also harmful to the field of psychiatry itself. Psychiatry is a noble profession, and I have no doubt that the members of the DSM paraphilias subworkgroup have nothing but the best and kindest intentions. I’m sure they just want to help. But continuing to pathologize noncriminal atypical sexualities only hurts all of us. (And not in the fun way.)

Thursday, April 14, 2016

What is Primal Play?



By slavekathy on July 26, 2013






This post is part of an effort to provide a glossary for novice submissives of words commonly seen across this site and in theBDSM community.


Mr. Samsonite. Every group has one; you know, the guy who can’t show up to theplay party without enough luggage to go on a two-week European tour? He puts on his little kid gloves and unpacks hisembarrassment of kinky riches, and by the time he gets them all out, the party is halfway over. We all know this dominant, and his precise, measured method of play. It’s fine if it works for him. However, what if Mr. Mechanical isn’t what gets your juices flowing? Many slaves and submissives enjoy a more hands-on approach to play, and no expensive tools or toys are required.You were born with all the kink toys you need for playing primal: teeth, nails, hair and skin.






Pure and abject submission isn’t what’s called for here; the dominant who prefers primal play wants to fight. Primal play may be your perfect fit if you’re the bratty sub who yearns to be overwhelmed, conquered and forced to submit to a stronger, more powerful dominant.






A primal play scene may look like wrestling or even martial arts. There may be pressure points involved, and even rope bondage, but the thing that sets primal play apart from other types is raw, emotional, sexual feelings displayed. All of the labels, roles, and protocols go out the window during primal play, and the bottomcan become a snarling, growing, clawing animal hell-bent on getting away. More sensual types of primal play can look like two animals greeting each other. The top can sniff the submissive, growl in her ear, pull her hair back and bite her neck while holding her immobile.






One caveat: if you’re going to do some of the more edgy types of primal play in a public playspace, be sure to let the DM’s know what it is you are doing. Primal play is just that…primal, and it can be disturbing to observers who may not be familiar with the concept of a s-type actually fighting back in earnest.






References





Primal Play – The Animal Within (FetLife Group)

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Ramping



So what is ramping? Ramping is a process some Dom/mes use in certain

activities. It is a slow build up to a peak, holding the sub at the peak for a while and then slowly coming back down so that the endorphins/high and the feeling of closeness, care and love aren't lost.


Example of what could occur if ramping is used:


The Dom/me might take their doeskin flogger and begin the flogging with a slow steady rhythm. When they feel you have reached the plateau they wish, they would then switch to a light suede flogger. Once again when you reach a point they feel is right, they would then switch to a heavy suede flogger. Again another level is reached and they switch to a braided elephant hide flogger. Then a stingy rubber whip gets added as the sub flies/floats to another level. Now to get to that peak a single tail or cane is used. They hold you there till you think you can't take another stroke. The sensation changes its the stingy rubber whip again, then after a time the elephant flogger, now you can't put your finger on it, ahhhhh a knotted rope flogger. Slowly the sub is coming down but the high is continuing. Such a balance the Dom/me must use not to jar you out of the floating wonderful subbie high you have going. The heavy suede flogger, yummmmmm, now the light suede flogger, soft moans and sighs....the doeskin flogger.....feels like you are melting into a puddle on the floor, the room looks like it is filled with fog. Oh ah, yum bunny fur being rubbed over your flogged body, OH MY!, fingernails on freshly flogged body, yum bunny fur again. Ah my Dom/me pressing themselves into me, holding me. I feel so close, it feels so right, it feels so loving, so safe, so warm. I never want to go without this in my life, never want to be without my Dom/me. I love you Sir/Ma'am/Master/Mistress. <soft content smile> They love me too.





By: BDSM for beginners

Flogging tutorial (Florentine and other types)


I find that this tutorial is excellent, it explains not only the technique, but ways to change the way you deliver.  I highly suggest watching, and then reading on the document "Ramping".  






Dipping in the Pool of Reality



I want to share this article, in my opinion, it's one of the best I have seen out there.
Author unknown
Shared By David Coates in 2013
in BDSM support and Info

You do have rights, and you have the right to walk away. If you believe otherwise, it is time for a dip in the reality pool.

No man has an erection continuously, unless they are experiencing priapism, in which case, a doctor's visit is in order.

There is such a thing as premenstrual syndrome (PMS), and no amount of dominance is going to make it go away.

A chainsaw is not a sex toy.

Your cyber safe-word is the off button on the front of your computer. Use it!

There is going to be a time when you do not feel like having sex. It does happen, so prepare yourself mentally for it.

24/7 is not a myth. 24/7 in chains, naked and kneeling is.

There will come a time when you see your Dominant or sub scratching themselves, belching, and in need of a shower. Prepare yourself for that as well.

No one understands your collar but you. Showing it off at Wal-Mart is not exactly a statement.

The distance is not insurmountable, it is inconvenient and irritating, and it will grate on your nerves unless you fill your time with other things.

Eventually, you are going to have to take those cuffs off to take the kids to the doctor. Get used to it.
Speaking of doctors, tell yours what you are into currently, or possibly be prepared to deal with social services on a regular basis.

You really do not need another flogger. What you need is a new microwave and a pair of hundred-dollar tennis shoes for your teenager. Know when to say when to the toy bag.

People get sick. People die. Use a condom, please, unless you have been tested twice in the last year, and so has your partner.

Do not walk away from your friends. You might well need them later, when your dream Dominant turns into a frog, or your submissive into to a Decepticunt.

If you want something, ask. Ask respectfully, ask in role, ask in good faith, but ask. If you do not, chances are, you are not going get it.

Just because you call yourself a slave or Master does not mean that others will agree with your definition. Be prepared to defend your views, but do not bark at others for their opinions. They have a right to them, same as you do.

Find a way to orgasm without BDSM. You may need that someday.

There are things you will not do. Trust me. Maybe you just have not been asked to do them yet.

This is not always all about sex. Do not expect to get a nut every time you play, then you won't be disappointed when it happens to you. Orgasms are nice, but not mandatory.

Your Dominant is not clairvoyant.

Forever is not as long as you might think. Sometimes, it is just until she changes her mind again.

The Mistress is not always dressed in thigh-highs and hose. The Dominant does not always have his flogger nearby. Sometimes, it is time for sweat pants and hot cocoa.

An argument is not the end of the world. Not resolving it, however, might be.

Sometimes, a fuck is just a fuck, a beating is just a beating, and a kiss is just a kiss. Enjoy it, remember it, and move along.

I hope you have enjoyed your dip in the reality pool. Wipe your feet before going back in the house, and do not drip jism on my new wooden floors.

Author: Unknown


Measuring for cock rings

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

"Drop"

Drop is the feeling people get after an intense BDSM play session. It feels like you are inexplicably sad, tired, worn out.  Drop feels like depression, with no explanation and no relief in sight. It baffles us because we have no idea how to prevent it, almost like we can’t prevent a hangover if we choose to drink too much.  We should accept that if we choose to continue with play sessions and enjoy the intensity, we may be paying for that later.  The good news is, there are ways to reduce the chances of having it, and help our bodies recover faster.

Drop happens to subs/slaves often, but there are also times when it happens to Dom/mes.  They sometimes reach “Dom/me space”, or feel a high.  This means their bodies are reacting to intense excitement.  I will write more on that later. 

Just as a side note, a Dom/me who feels that they are reaching Dom space needs to take a step back and come back to reality; because they need to be in control of themselves and their subs AT ALL TIMES during a play session.

My slave Daniel and I have been having play sessions for years now.  I have had a drop here and there since, but lately I have had one each time, and sometimes it lasts a whole day.  It was becoming difficult to manage.

All that I have been able to gather from others who are more experienced is that it happens to us because we had an adrenaline rush and now we are coming down.  I also know that what we can do is eat some chocolate, pamper ourselves, maybe a warm bath or a good movie.
 
Since it was worse this last time, and the chocolate and ice cream didn't work, I asked my psychology professor about it.  I explained the situation in general terms and asked if there was a better way to deal with Dom drop.

He explained it this way:

All drops may not be all physical-biological.  There is always a psychological aspect to it; and if there is a problem we must pay attention to it. 

Cognitive dissonance is the principle culprit, because it is possible that even though we think that what we are doing is OK, that in the back of our mind there may be some contradictions.  Our playtime includes hurting someone we care about deeply.  We have been raised to do the opposite, and at this moment we are breaking that set of beliefs in our mind.  This means that at the moment we feel it’s all right; we understand that they like pain, but later in our subconscious it may be troublesome.

If we must continue in BDSM and having playtime, then we need to remind ourselves that this activity is acceptable.  One of the ways to deal with this is communication, talk to our sub and ask how they feel.  Just hearing that they were OK with the session will help our minds settle.  Having a mini “after action review” is good for both.  And also checking on them the next day is very important; if you don’t see them, you should call and ask them how they feel.   Talking about it helps both Dom and sub/slave as well.

I told my instructor that I went through that Dom-guilt last year, but now I feel over it, I have come to terms with myself over that portion.
 
So, he continued:  If it is not the guilt issue, it could be other psychological issues.  The chemicals in our bodies change, yes but they get back to normal after a little time.  By the next day we certainly would feel a little tired, but not as blue as the time right after play.  It only takes a few hours, if at all to “come down”.  Our bodies recover fast, and the chemicals that needed to be replaced should have been replaced the by next day, after some rest.

Now what would Freud say?  That we need to find the root of the problem, and we are just looking at the tip of the iceberg.  Our subconscious holds the key.  (yes I like Freud, he made some very good points)

When we are in a play session, sometimes issues we had buried for many years come back.  We may not realize it, but they do.  You may be in a session, and you decide to use a belt on your sub for example.  It may be that there is a memory buried deep inside of you that says: “I had my dad use a belt on me that one time when I got bad grades; I hated that punishment.  Why would I use the belt on someone else if it was such a bad experience?”  You may not recognize that this thought came up, it may be sitting around, lurking in some dark corner of your mind, waiting to start nibbling at you.

It may be other issues inside, like the fear that your family would not accept you for who you are if they found out what you like.  Or maybe guilt issues because you think the Church would frown upon it.  You may have told yourself you don’t care, or that it’s OK.  But it might be your subconscious self is not agreeing with you.

If you have Drop, and it lingers for too long.   If chocolate and comfort doesn't help, you may want to look inside yourself and come to terms with what is lurking inside.

Sometimes talking it out with a good friend helps.  It is like looking in a mirror, you can see things you didn't see before.  And may I recommend a friend who is not too close to us, someone we are comfortable with, it just works better because we open up more.

This is also why it is so important to have good after care after a play session.  It also helps with recovery.  Well, we cannot fix a recurring drop with chocolate.  But chocolate won’t hurt as long as we don’t eat the whole box. 


~Sam
Jun2013