SAFETY

I have been on Facebook for a while now, and what I see going by has me concerned.  It seems after people read some S&M novels or watched porn, they want a relationship involving BDSM. 

They are desperate to find a partner for this reason, and sometimes they will take whomever seems willing or resembles the picture they have in their mind.

People who are in a hurry to jump into a relationship with a stranger with a pretty screen name and a few good “Domly” lines are putting themselves in danger.  This is not a game, this is real life and the dangers are real.  An unprepared Dom/me can cause a lot of harm, physically and emotionally.

Just recently I saw a post in a group about a Domme (female dominant).  She calls herself a Domme, but she said she will never take in consideration what the sub wants.  She said it is all about her and her needs, not the sub’s.  She said she has been playing with subs for a while now and nobody has complained.  I wonder how much of that is true, being that people talk a lot of shit online, but seeing that made me cringe.  How many people will fall for someone with an abusive nature who just wants to use people as toys? 

When looking for a Dominant, you need to ask the right questions, get to know them.  And if their first lines are “kneel before me”, run.  Beware of red flags, please.  I saw a “Dom” ask someone in a personal adds group, “Send me some nude pictures of you, and I will consider you as a sub”.  That is just rude, disrespectful and asinine!  If they want to see porn, go to a porn site.  People in that group are looking for relationships, for a partner, even at times for a play partner, they are not looking to be used and disrespected.  

 Always remember, Web cam sex is not a way to prove you are a “true sub”.  It can be recorded without your knowledge, and spread around the internet.  Nude pictures of you are not necessary for you to be considered for anything at all.  They do nothing but get the person who requested them something to use against you later.  These things can ruin your career, your family life, and possibly more.

Please take the time to read and educate yourself.  When getting to know a prospective partner, ask the right questions, take the time to get to know them.  Do not let a prospective Dom/me tell you that you are not allowed to ask him/her questions.  You are not theirs, always remember that.  They cannot order you to do anything; your safe word is the off button on the computer.  You are not obligated to answer to anyone, your safety always should come first.  Remember it is a submissive who willingly gives their submission to a Dominant, the submissive has control.  Submission is not taken, yanked or coerced; it is feely given by a submissive and it has to be out of their free will.   

I just came across a message in which a lady was concerned about her friend.  Her friend offered her submission to a man who claims to be a Dom.  There are many red flags in this case.  The sub doesn’t know the man’s real name, or where he lives or works.  She has not met him or know him well at all.  Just the online “persona”.  She blindly follows his orders and does tasks for him.  He orders her to drink her pee, among other useless and somewhat dangerous sexual tasks.  Drinking your own pee is not safe or sane.  I was so angry when I read that, he has her doing sexual tasks that can put her health in danger.  She may end up in the ER if she continues, but she protects him and follows him blindly. 

I had another friend post on a comment in a group of mine.  It was a story about a friend of his who went to a supposedly Professional Domme.  She had no idea what she was doing, hurt him so badly he has had 8 colon surgeries, and still is not back to normal. 

There are plenty of horror stories; I just wanted you all to see that this can end up in very bad ways if you are not careful.

I understand the urge some may have to be dominated and told what to do, but please use common sense.  We are all grown ass adults!  Please take care of your safety first and foremost.  He isn’t being responsible, and for all we know he has no knowledge of how to be a Dom.  A good Dominant puts his sub’s health, safety and well being first.  A good Dom takes care of their sub, discusses the sub’s limits and respects them.  Our subs are precious to us, we do not make them do things that have no value.  How is drinking her pee going to make her a better sub? How is taking pictures of herself inserting objects in her lady parts going to make her grow and blossom as a person?  How does he even justify these things?  It seems many self proclaimed Dominants roam on line trolling for unsuspecting subs so they can get their jollies at the sub’s expense.  It seems to me a cheesy way of avoiding paying for a porn site.  People are not toys and should not be used as such. 

Check their profile, if all they have in likes are porn sites and most their friends are female, run.  See if they are on Fetlife, check out what they have on that profile. 

Last notes:

Remember to look at your messenger settings and make sure the locator is off.  Never put your location information on your Facebook profile, it is not safe.  Also if using the profile to find a Dominant or partner, please keep your children’s pictures and family pictures locked safely.  Above all: NEVER go meet a stranger alone.

Write yourself a list on to what kinds of questions to ask when deciding on a prospective Dominant. Educate yourself so you can come up with relevant questions you would like answered.  Learn terms and basics of BDSM so you sound educated.  A fake Dom/me will not bother with a sub that knows what they are talking about.   If possible, find a mentor, a protector, a guide so you are not alone.

What kinds of questions do you think someone should ask a prospective Dom/me (or sub)?

~Sam

About Reliability

 You saw something or read something and now you want to look further into BDSM.  So, where do you start?  You google search just to find a ton of information and become overwhelmed.

There are endless sites, blogs, articles and such that tell you what BDSM is.  Most information sites have similarities, but which one to read?  How do you know which one is from a reputable source?  How do we know a person isn’t just making stuff up as they go? 

Take in account that BDSM is a lifestyle that people adopt; each person adopts it in a different way, so it fits their life better.  Some may want kinky sex, others may want extreme pain.  There are all different kinds of configurations for this lifestyle.

So, you could start by looking in Wikipedia, that seems like a good source.  Keep in mind that schools do not accept information from Wikipedia as a research source for schoolwork.  They require something more substantial, Wikipedia is not reliable as a source for research, but it is a start.

After that, you sort through different articles and blogs.  Those are written by someone who has adopted the lifestyle in their own way.  They tell you what it is about from their perspective, they are biased.  There is no way to avoid that, you just have to find what fits you best, and use common sense.

Then when you look through pictures, many of them are very sexualized, and some show you some quite frightening torture instruments.  Don’t be intimidated by all this, it is just someone’s idea, someone’s kink.  We all have our own, that may not be yours.  Also remember, most pictures you see on Facebook are pictures of models, posing.  Many people can’t get in some positions, or much less stay that way for a session.  It is unpractical, and unreal.

Then you eventually go looking in Facebook.  There is an endless parade of groups, and you now are seeing different terms being used, and still it seems all overwhelming.

When you pick a group to request to be let in.  I am suspecting you look for ones with higher numbers of members.  Once you come inside, please read the rules and follow them.

As you settle in and introduce yourself, you may get a barrage if instant messages of people claiming to be Dom/me.  Some may even try to intimidate or corner you.

Being a female in a BDSM Facebook group can be difficult, because inevitably there are many men who assume females must be submissive.  Which is not in my case, so I do resent generalizations.

But, seeing as you are new, and you have not found where you belong in this new world, people may try to tell you what you are.  Do not listen to just anyone.  The Dom you just met might be some teenager in their parent’s basement behind that keyboard.  Calling themselves Dom Doodlehead and trying to issue commands doesn’t make them a Dom.  Unfortunately many of the fakes immediately demand nude pictures or web cam “sessions”.

One thing to keep in mind is that if you send pictures, they will tell you how sexy you are and you believe them.  Then you may be inclined to send more, yes it’s an ego boost.  But remember; he can post those in porn sites, or worse, use them as blackmail to you later when you want to stop contact with them.

Web cam chat, many times it will end up with the dude asking you to get naked and play with yourself, with some lame excuse that he is helping you discover yourself.  I say run away!  They can record these sessions, and later use them for blackmail, or spread them all over the internet.  I have seen women, and men, crying later when they are threatened with sending such recordings to their spouses.  THINK before you do something like that. 

The best advice I can give, is when you come into a group, watch, read first.  See who is regular in there, who is respected by others.  If someone shows interest in you and you start talking, ask questions, even maybe message the Admins and ask about that person; something similar to checking references for a prospective job.  After that you can even ask that person that wanted to talk to you, if you can contact some of their friends and ask about them.

BDSM is about trust, about a power exchange, it is an art that requires dedication, love, balance.  It is something beautiful, and it is sad that people use it as an excuse to cheat on their spouses, or to obtain porn that they don’t want to pay for online.  It could be even worse, if you run into a psycho sadist that wants to hurt someone and possibly even kill someone, looking for a “foot in the door”.  You don’t want to be “it”.

Be safe, use common sense above all. 

~Sam

Instant Gratification

I wanted to share this because I want you all to understand. BDSM is not a game, and people are not toys. I have seen it one too many times; men who pretend to be a Dom, to take advantage of an unsuspecting sub. They use BDSM as a way to get laid and that is it. They use and dump people and have no regards for them. That is just the small stuff, trusting a stranger to tie you up and use weapons on you is not smart, use common sense!. I have also seen women string along the men and sweet talk them telling them they are a new sub, and have no idea how this works, please teach the helpless scared little girl. They play the men either for attention or for money. I know, it happens all the time, but it doesn’t make it right.



I also have seen many people that want an instant D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship. They want to just have it magically appear. How many times have we seen it on Facebook “I want a Dom, and I want one now!” I can almost see the women stomping their little feet and whining about it not being fair. They see someone who resembles a Dom, has the lines down pat, and they throw themselves at him. Sadly, a few weeks later, you see them back on Facebook, hurt, sad, broken. Sometimes yes, the “dating” (sexy fun) lasts a few months.



I also see Doms come into a group and ask “Where can I get a sub?” What? They sell them at some pet store I don’t know about? Are they in some unknown waiting room ready to serve you? First of all, people are not items to be “gotten”. Next, How about you tell people what makes you attractive to them? Maybe we should just start at the beginning.



The key is that, when you are going into D/s, it is no different than regular dating. You should in fact build a regular relationship before jumping into D/s. If you want a good relationship that lasts, you should first get to know each other, see if you are compatible. And yes, some old fashioned courting should be part of it. Once you have established a good relationship, then you could move on to add D/s. This takes work, and it takes time. Things that last, and are real, are worth the time and effort invested in it.



In this day and age, people want immediate satisfaction. So we have fast food, fast internet, fast everything. Let’s not lower out standards by having our D/s be the same. Fast, fun, and then gone like a shooting star.



When you plant a tree, you take the time to pick the seed you want; you plant the seed, raise and nurture it until it becomes a strong tree. Yes it takes time and effort, but in the end, you have a good tree, that has grown strong roots and lasts for many years. If you instead shortcut, and go rip a tree out of your neighbor’s yard and stick it in your front yard, chances are the first strong wind will take it down. Chances are, it could be infested, and you just brought an infestation to your home. Chances are it was dying inside, and you had no idea. It was a cheap and fast way to get a tree, but now you regret it, because it didn’t last.



I am not saying all relationships built fast won’t last. I am just saying that you are dealing with other people; treat them as such, get to know them. Women in the Personals Classifieds are not a piece of meat! Men in the Classifieds are not a source of free income, gifts and attention. We are all people, even if we are online, treat each other with respect, and use common sense. Seems with the internet age we want things now, and many people cannot distinguish the fantasy of Facebook and the reality of people’s lives clearly. Don’t get frustrated seeing your friends’ “perfect” lives. They only tell you the good parts, and embellish them to make it sound amazing. Relationships take work and they are not perfect; be patient.



Even if you are not in search for a partner, it is good to slow down and smell the roses.

~Sam

Who are you?

I am writing this for the curious about BDSM I would like to explore which role better suits you.   BDSM is a lifestyle that can be adapted to anyone.  We all have different lives and different relationships, and the BDSM lifestyle can be modified to fit.

First, I will tell you the basic personality types. 

A Dominant type is the kind of person who likes to take the lead.  Always leads by example and is usually outgoing and likes to take care of others.

A submissive type is the kind of personality in which a person loves to be of service to others.  This type of person likes someone else to take the lead, they are happy following.  Sometimes they need to be told what to do to gain direction.

BDSM is a power exchange based on trust.  Meaning that the person who takes the role as submissive would give control to the Dominant.  Of course, there is much more to this as well; these are just the bare basics.

There are people who in their daily lives have to be in control at home and or at work.  But there are times in which they desire to relinquish control to another and take a break.  Not everyone who has a dominant personality takes on the role as a Dominant in BDSM. 

There are people who are submissive all day in their lives and are shy, but they would love to take control for just a while, doing something they feel safe doing and empowering themselves.

Besides those two roles, there is also a third one: a switch.  This person is one who is flexible and can take on either role. 

So which role fits you best?  Are you the type to take on responsibility? Are you the type to lead and others follow?  How do you feel about doing that in the bedroom as well?

Are you the type who would like to take orders and be happy fulfilling them?  Are you the type who has the urge to please others?  How about in the bedroom?

Where do you think you fit naturally?

 ~Sam